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-   -   My Mom (https://www.neurotalk.org/coping-with-grief-and-loss/54648-mom.html)

Earth Angel 09-20-2008 05:28 PM
My Mom
 
I lost my mother by her own hand on September 11th and I thought like everyone has told me that it would get easier for me to handle my emotions but I can't. I loved my mom so much. She was such a loving, caring person much like myself. Her and my dad divorced in 2006 and she was never the same. She tried to keep working but she couldn’t stay committed to the job, she would think about things and would end up getting sick and go home. She'd just sit in her apartment and feel alone, all the while I was at my job. She had good days and bad and I saw them all. I just never thought she would actually kill herself. We had talked about suicide before and she told me her faith in God would not allow her to do such a thing. I knew she was getting bad because I had to leave work several times because she would text me goodbye. I got her help, took her to talk to someone but obviously it did not work. Her last words were "no more pain, please don’t hate me" that she wrote on a little piece of paper and left it by her nightstand.

I can’t help but wonder if I was the one to send her over the edge. I was diagnosed with optic neuritis in 2006. I was put on steroids and after several weeks it cleared up. Since then I’ve had several more attacks. Recently I’ve been having coordination problems and I have pins and needles feelings in my legs and arms. I went to my primary and she ordered an MRI. The MRI came back with something and I was referred to a neuro. Then my mom was gone so I’ve never gone. She needed me, I couldn’t have MS. Is this why she gave up? I’ll never know.

I know she wasn’t happy and I keep telling myself that she’s not hurting anymore. But I am an only child and I just feel like no one understands the hurt I am feeling inside. Am I just supposed to go on with a happy face and mask my true feelings inside? I don't want to bother others with my sadness but I feel so lost. I just need an escape and hopefully writing here will help me connect with others who do know how I feel. I miss her everyday, every minute, every second. It hurts my heart to think that she felt so unloved.

Chemar 09-20-2008 07:50 PM
Hello again Earth Angel

even tho I have posted to you on the Community Feedback forum I just wanted to leave you another (((hug))) and say how deeply I feel for what you are going through.

Please dont blame yourself. I am hoping some of our SOS members will stop by here too, and please do also consider posting on that board
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

my prayers are lifted for you.
with deepest sympathy
Cheri

Koala77 09-20-2008 07:53 PM
I'm so sorry.:hug:

My brother-in-law lost his 16 year old grandson to suicide last week, so I can well understand some of the emotions that you're going through.

Please follow the link that Chemar gave you, and come over to the Survivors of Suicide Forum. That's the forum where others in the same position as ourselves get together to support each other.

Earth Angel, please don't blame yourself. From what you wrote I believe you were a loving daughter, and I daresay your mother would have been very proud of you.

DM 09-20-2008 08:01 PM
Hello earthangel. To me, it sounds like you were a wonderful daughter. Please don't blame yourself. I lost my dear Mother last year to an awful disease that took her all to quickly from us, so I know the loss you feel. But, we just can't wonder what we could have done different.

Please know that you have many friends here.

Alffe 09-20-2008 08:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earth Angel (Post 372422)
I lost my mother by her own hand on September 11th and I thought like everyone has told me that it would get easier for me to handle my emotions but I can't. I loved my mom so much. She was such a loving, caring person much like myself. Her and my dad divorced in 2006 and she was never the same. She tried to keep working but she couldn’t stay committed to the job, she would think about things and would end up getting sick and go home. She'd just sit in her apartment and feel alone, all the while I was at my job. She had good days and bad and I saw them all. I just never thought she would actually kill herself. We had talked about suicide before and she told me her faith in God would not allow her to do such a thing. I knew she was getting bad because I had to leave work several times because she would text me goodbye. I got her help, took her to talk to someone but obviously it did not work. Her last words were "no more pain, please don’t hate me" that she wrote on a little piece of paper and left it by her nightstand.

I can’t help but wonder if I was the one to send her over the edge. I was diagnosed with optic neuritis in 2006. I was put on steroids and after several weeks it cleared up. Since then I’ve had several more attacks. Recently I’ve been having coordination problems and I have pins and needles feelings in my legs and arms. I went to my primary and she ordered an MRI. The MRI came back with something and I was referred to a neuro. Then my mom was gone so I’ve never gone. She needed me, I couldn’t have MS. Is this why she gave up? I’ll never know.

I know she wasn’t happy and I keep telling myself that she’s not hurting anymore. But I am an only child and I just feel like no one understands the hurt I am feeling inside. Am I just supposed to go on with a happy face and mask my true feelings inside? I don't want to bother others with my sadness but I feel so lost. I just need an escape and hopefully writing here will help me connect with others who do know how I feel. I miss her everyday, every minute, every second. It hurts my heart to think that she felt so unloved.

I'm so sorry Earth Angel....I know just how you feel and of course you blame yourself. It goes with the territory when someone we love chooses to end their life. We feel anger, guilt, and terribly rejected. It's a roller coaster ride of emotions. Our only son killed himself years ago and it changed our family forever.

Please know that we are here for you...and that all of your feelings are normal feelings for someone who is grieving a loss of one so loved.

Warm hugs....:grouphug:

Nik-key 09-20-2008 10:29 PM
((Earth Angel))
 
I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your Mom. I wish I could reach through
this computer, hold onto you and tell you, this isn’t your fault!! If I could
encourage you to do one thing it would be to keep talking about your feelings.
Everything you are feeling, have felt and will feel, you need to share so you
aren't consumed in your pain. Talk with your doctors as well, there is no shame,
in fact it takes great strength to ask for help.

I know how profoundly you are hurting. The whys and what if’s that haunt you.
I know because my Dad took his life in March of this year. I am still in horrific
daily pain. I will never recover wholly from this loss. Please do not be so hard
on yourself, it has been such a short time, you most certainly can not
be expected to "handle your emotions" It has been 6 months for my family,
and the healing is just starting for us.

I have lost many I loved, I lost my only baby, my husband is now dying....
but nothing has compared to the grief of my Dad's suicide. Until you experience it,
you just can't understand the full impact it has on the "survivors" left behind.
As other have suggested, please consider coming to join us in the SOS forum.
There you will meet others who have survived this loss. SOS has been a Godsend
to me. I don't think I could have survived without their love and unconditional support.
Let us try to help you. Hold your hand while you go through this difficult journey.
My thoughts and prayers are with you:hug:Nikki


please see this link in the sos forum Chemar started for you
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread54651.html

Brokenfriend 09-21-2008 06:34 AM
Earth Angel
 
I lost my Mother last year. Please don't blame yourself. I know how deeply a person can feel alone. I know the grief of a sudden death. I understand the void that is felt. I know the other feelings involved. We are hear,and you aren't alone. Let the false guilt go. The MS is genetic,and you did not chose it,and it's not your fault,and it's not fair. Let rest,and peace fill your heart,and bless your heart. Brokenfriend:hug::hug::hug:

Spanish Moss 09-21-2008 11:45 AM
((((EarthAngel))))))

There are many of us here who have walked in your shoes and understand the terrible grief that is made worse when the one we love makes the choice or gives in to the impulse of talking their own life.

Please let us help you heal from this tragedy and pain. Come here and talk to us and vent and cry and express all the normal emotions you are entiltled to have.

The SOS forum is especially made for survivors like you and me and others.

Please accept our warmest welcome and hugs.

Nan

DMACK 09-21-2008 05:31 PM
Earth Angel



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7hDnKtc9oM

:hug::hug:

David

Fancylady_2006 09-21-2008 07:10 PM
Earth Angel
 
My Sympathy goes out to you.http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j1...4e5f447man.gif Please except big hugs from us all.
Fancylady~

Gazelle 09-21-2008 07:20 PM
It gets easier???? You lost her Sept. 11th for crying out loud. You haven't scratched the surface of easier yet. GRIEVE!!!! GRIEVE!!!! You're entitled to that.

A friend of mine did the same type of thing. I tried, intervened, got him help. He was angry at me for awhile and then said that he was touched because I was the only person who cared enough to WANT to get him help. Two weeks later, he killed himself. And I felt exactly like you--like I hadn't done enough, that what I did may have set him off, etc. But you know what? I didn't. I was there, tried to be a friend, and it didn't work. His pain inside was too overwhelming and he did what he felt he had to to end it.

You can drive yourself crazy with questions. You can make yourself feel horrible with guilt. But you were there. You loved your mom. You tried. Sure, maybe you could have done more, but would that realistically have made a difference? You'll never be able to answer that question. I couldn't. And now I know I won't ever be able to answer that.

You need to grieve. You need to fully explore your loss of your mother. And you really shouldn't blame yourself or any physical problems you're having right now as the potential cause of your mom's death. It's bad enough that you may have a disease like MS, which in itself causes you to grieve initially for all the things you could lose yourself. You don't need to pile blame on it too.

Come to the SOS forum. There are people there who understand exactly what you're saying. Who are willing to listen any time you are ready to talk--even if it's just spewing memories of your mom out there. People will listen, understand, and brighten your day.

It's ok.
You're normal.
This hurts.
This sucks.
But you're not to blame.
And that is ok.
Your mom loved you.
That's what counts.
Her last words were for you.

Hold her close.
Get angry at her for doing this.
Then forgive her.
Remember her love and the happy things.
But grieve first to get to that point.
That's how you heal.


:hug::hug::hug::hug:

kalamity_jane 09-23-2008 10:18 PM
I can't say much about this on the boards, coz it hurts and i been there too, but i know the hurt and guilt you are feeling so please...feel free to pm me if you need ok?

Please just know first and foremost you are NOT to blame for anothers reactions or decisions, even your own mother ok?

Much Love and hugs,
roz
xx

steash 09-26-2008 07:19 PM
unloved
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earth Angel (Post 372422)
I lost my mother by her own hand on September 11th and I thought like everyone has told me that it would get easier for me to handle my emotions but I can't. I loved my mom so much. She was such a loving, caring person much like myself. Her and my dad divorced in 2006 and she was never the same. She tried to keep working but she couldn’t stay committed to the job, she would think about things and would end up getting sick and go home. She'd just sit in her apartment and feel alone, all the while I was at my job. She had good days and bad and I saw them all. I just never thought she would actually kill herself. We had talked about suicide before and she told me her faith in God would not allow her to do such a thing. I knew she was getting bad because I had to leave work several times because she would text me goodbye. I got her help, took her to talk to someone but obviously it did not work. Her last words were "no more pain, please don’t hate me" that she wrote on a little piece of paper and left it by her nightstand.

I can’t help but wonder if I was the one to send her over the edge. I was diagnosed with optic neuritis in 2006. I was put on steroids and after several weeks it cleared up. Since then I’ve had several more attacks. Recently I’ve been having coordination problems and I have pins and needles feelings in my legs and arms. I went to my primary and she ordered an MRI. The MRI came back with something and I was referred to a neuro. Then my mom was gone so I’ve never gone. She needed me, I couldn’t have MS. Is this why she gave up? I’ll never know.

I know she wasn’t happy and I keep telling myself that she’s not hurting anymore. But I am an only child and I just feel like no one understands the hurt I am feeling inside. Am I just supposed to go on with a happy face and mask my true feelings inside? I don't want to bother others with my sadness but I feel so lost. I just need an escape and hopefully writing here will help me connect with others who do know how I feel. I miss her everyday, every minute, every second. It hurts my heart to think that she felt so unloved.
i bet your mum never felt unloved, you were there.
lost? maybe? but loved of course she was.
i found this site a year ago when my dad died but i discovered a world of support and friends
i have spent the last 25 years hiding my mums drugs, she's found them/hid them 7 times. she also spent 10 years in a locked ward for her own protection. she's out now, dad's not here and i still have her drugs.
if i can give any advice it's just to talk.
there's always someone on here.


still looking for answers.

hugs
steash

Doody 09-28-2008 04:07 PM
(((Earth Angel))) Are you still here? I hope you know that people here do care. :hug: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread54651.html

thsweetpea 10-17-2008 06:29 PM
I feel your loss!
 
My mother passed on 10/29/08 she was only 68 but had a love for Vodka and it doesn't mix well with blood pressure medicine. We found he in the bathroom, either getting ready for bed or just getting up.
Once your done with the insurance and lawyers were do your feeling go now? Everyone expects you to be strong! But even thought she had her faults, I miss he voice on the phone and the house still smells like her.
I can't talk to my friends, their tired of my grief, I'm not over religious so I don't have a priest.
I feel I have so much left to say....but to whom do I say it to?
My chest hurts, my eyes have so many tears to cry, but I have to return to my life and job and go on.
I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here?

Love, miss you mom!

TEC49 05-13-2009 12:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earth Angel (Post 372422)
I lost my mother by her own hand on September 11th and I thought like everyone has told me that it would get easier for me to handle my emotions but I can't. I loved my mom so much. She was such a loving, caring person much like myself. Her and my dad divorced in 2006 and she was never the same. She tried to keep working but she couldn’t stay committed to the job, she would think about things and would end up getting sick and go home. She'd just sit in her apartment and feel alone, all the while I was at my job. She had good days and bad and I saw them all. I just never thought she would actually kill herself. We had talked about suicide before and she told me her faith in God would not allow her to do such a thing. I knew she was getting bad because I had to leave work several times because she would text me goodbye. I got her help, took her to talk to someone but obviously it did not work. Her last words were "no more pain, please don’t hate me" that she wrote on a little piece of paper and left it by her nightstand.


I can’t help but wonder if I was the one to send her over the edge. I was diagnosed with optic neuritis in 2006. I was put on steroids and after several weeks it cleared up. Since then I’ve had several more attacks. Recently I’ve been having coordination problems and I have pins and needles feelings in my legs and arms. I went to my primary and she ordered an MRI. The MRI came back with something and I was referred to a neuro. Then my mom was gone so I’ve never gone. She needed me, I couldn’t have MS. Is this why she gave up? I’ll never know.

I know she wasn’t happy and I keep telling myself that she’s not hurting anymore. But I am an only child and I just feel like no one understands the hurt I am feeling inside. Am I just supposed to go on with a happy face and mask my true feelings inside? I don't want to bother others with my sadness but I feel so lost. I just need an escape and hopefully writing here will help me connect with others who do know how I feel. I miss her everyday, every minute, every second. It hurts my heart to think that she felt so unloved.
Earth Angel,
I am sorry for your lose. God bless you and give you the strenght you need as he did me. Its a place in you that God can dewell and bring you through. Its been 9 years this month sense my mother past away. I can tell you this, day by day by day things will change just as it always has and always will. Love is ment to last forever and I am so glad that theres no love greater on the earth than that of a mother/father for a child. Let yourself progress as GOD gives you strenght and wisdom. Don't be affraid to remember the good times and the bad, all relationships have them. Sometimes I just have to fall on my knees and cry out to Jesus and some how he always brings me through, and he'll do it for you. Hey, You can be OK! GOD Bless You! I am a good listener.

TEC49


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