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HELP have a son about to be 13 - school refusal
Note---I copied this over from Children's Health Forum so that more people might read and help Lisa.... :) Abbie
From Lisa: My son will be 13 in October. Diagnosed w/Anxiety two years ago when we had him hospitalized for school refusal, as well as loss of interest in any activity outside of our home. Had a good school year last year, little to no anxiety. This year, moved to middle school (many more kids, larger building), will not stay at school. Refuses to go w/o mom or dad, and when we leave building he follows. Has only been to a couple of classes since the start of the school year four weeks ago. Has always been advanced academically, has always had a lot of friends, and has always done very well in any sport he tries. We are working w/counselors and he is now on Lexapro which we have been titrating up. Still no school. We keep taking him, he now stays in the building with out a parent, but for only one period where he sits in the guidance counselors office the entire period, because he cannot make himself enter the classroom. We are at the point of feeling like his anxiety has become a crutch, and he won't try to fight his anxiety. He is in enrolled in a day hospital where he receives therapy daily for the half day he is not supposed to be in school, along w/med checks and group work. My husband and I are losing our patients, we feel he should be much further along by now. He needs to go back to school. What else should we do? We only allow him computer time (his favorite thing) if he goes to class, which he hasn't had in about three weeks. It doesn't seem to be enough incentive. Perhaps we should take away all privledges until he complies. we were giving him video games for going into the counseling center without grief each day. HELP! Lisa |
There are online schools if he is really having a problem adjusting to things.
At least he could be getting his lessons done until things are figured out. Or it may be just less stressful for him to learn this way. One is Connections Academy - free just like a public school -only online. http://www.connectionsacademy.com/ |
this was MY LIFE EXACTLY when i was 13. i refused to go to school, i would cry and beg the whole ride there and refuse to get out of the car once i got there. i had also moved to a new school and was very uneasy about the whole process. just like your son if i was forced to be left at school i would go to the councilors office and cry until they made my parents pick me up. it was very hard for me because no one understood how i felt. i still to this day have problems eating in crowded restaurants and the like. and im 24 now. i took effexor when i was in high school. im not sure if it worked or if it was just the threatening from my mother that i would end up at school at juvenile hall if i didnt attend school. i was also seing a psycologist 2x a week for an hour each session. i was so frustrated and confused and it just fueled the anxiety further. i couldnt leave the house but i wouldnt let anyone leave me alone at the house either. i dont know what to tell you about how to fix your sons problem i can just tell you he is not the only one. this is the first ive read about someone just like me and it has helped to know im am also not alone. i wish you the best of luck and just know that it is 100 times harder for your son than you can even imagine. please be patient with him. its really not something he can control. i wanted to be normal just like the other kids my brain just wouldnt let me...and it still wont. now thinking back, i think there is something about being in a confined space where you know you are not in control of the situation. you have to ask to leave the classroom and there is a chance the answer will be no. for me when i loose control of the situation im in, i lose control of myself completely. there is no way to fight anxiety within yourself when it gets to a certain point. i dont think he is using it as a crutch. just speaking from experience. but there is a point where it seems hopeless and you accept that that is just the way you are and no one will understand no matter how well you explain it. if you have any other questions you can contact me directly *edit*
My son will be 13 in October. Diagnosed w/Anxiety two years ago when we had him hospitalized for school refusal, as well as loss of interest in any activity outside of our home. Had a good school year last year, little to no anxiety. This year, moved to middle school (many more kids, larger building), will not stay at school. Refuses to go w/o mom or dad, and when we leave building he follows. Has only been to a couple of classes since the start of the school year four weeks ago. Has always been advanced academically, has always had a lot of friends, and has always done very well in any sport he tries. We are working w/counselors and he is now on Lexapro which we have been titrating up. Still no school. We keep taking him, he now stays in the building with out a parent, but for only one period where he sits in the guidance counselors office the entire period, because he cannot make himself enter the classroom. We are at the point of feeling like his anxiety has become a crutch, and he won't try to fight his anxiety. He is in enrolled in a day hospital where he receives therapy daily for the half day he is not supposed to be in school, along w/med checks and group work. My husband and I are losing our patients, we feel he should be much further along by now. He needs to go back to school. What else should we do? We only allow him computer time (his favorite thing) if he goes to class, which he hasn't had in about three weeks. It doesn't seem to be enough incentive. Perhaps we should take away all privledges until he complies. we were giving him video games for going into the counseling center without grief each day. HELP! Lisa[/quote] *edit* |
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I went through this school phobia, anxiety/panic disorder last year with dd 12. I had a child advocate assist me in having a IEP and home bound from last March through June. NO WAY was she going to the middle school. She would not even attend her gradution to middle school. In August I finally found an online charter school that was an excellent program I felt comfortable that she would be given and individualized program. She had an IQ done also at the home school, then placements at the Charter school/ There are no meds, she refuses. But has asked if they really could help her and resolve the sadness and anxiousness. She has to be pushed to get the school work done, as she does not sleep properly she can be up all night doing school work at 4 am, finishing at 10 am. Structure is not strong. She does like school though. Subjects have hard cover books, Books on CD, a link on the study pages for that day linking to the reading work. They have a teachlet to present the subject topic, there are work problems and questions, a movie short, then there are Live lessons twice a week with her class for an hour with each teacher. Tutoring is available. The lessons are recorded to re-watch or if they are missed she can view one later. Homework is put in a drop box email, or mailed in. There are quizes, reviews and test on sections. Also, reports and hands on projects in science, social studies, Art. If kids want to do a foreign language, play a recorder in group sessions, clubs, etc to keep the kids connected, but less invasive. The kids can or don't have to use microphones to talk to class and teacher. my dd will not use it. They provide the lap top computer, text, work books, envelopes to mail, Gym is botha health course and Connections approved activities. Anything from dance, karate, YMCA, Yoga, they even ahve Yoga pretzels the kdis have guides with. Even walking a mall, outside path documentation is approved in PA. You or another adult are the Learning coach. The older the kids the less you are needed. But when the kdis finish work, you OK and approve the submitted item. Self paced, and the best part, it is free. The amount the school district would receive goes to the charter school. We are using Connections Academy. Commonwealth Connections is the PA center. www.connectionsacademy.com There are psychologist, counselors for the kids, at least 25 school organized group activities across the state for the kids to get together. They specialize in special kids too. The Bullies and lack of compassion, teasing dd because of her giftedness and shyness just made her feel hated. They teased, took possessions, and tormented her. She could not handle it being sensitive and the sadness with the loss of her sister. The relief I have had in not fighting over getting her to school, not being threatened with truancy when there was an emotional issue going on, this has been a heaven sent answer. I do hope though by 10 grade year she wants to go back, or do partial days, just for the socialization. Now she is saying she wants to be an English teacher....in an online school, and take college online. She has just started after a year to go out. I had her in a photo club, adults and few teens, take her to lunh meetings for the business association where they love her input. She is not staying in loungers now, she is putting on casual pull on's with make up and doing her hair at 13 1/2. Her hair is below her butt and natural curly beige color. She does need more physical activity, but a year ago I was lucky to get her out of her bed. I know the stress you feel and helpless to figure it out. I did it by researching, having my dd try the program, write an agreement. I only wish I had made a more structured school day. She will do good for a while and then be up afraid to fall asleep again for weeks. The school year is ending, she has a few research projects to complete. Math work is advance Algebra 8th grade and she is only a 7th grader. Too much stress even if she tested ready for it. Algebra is crazy formulas to retain. Hugs to you di |
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I also hired her a tutors in some of her subjects. This gave her a confidence boost. She is now very happy, looking forward to her future and enjoys schools. She is now 14. I highly recommend you get you son a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist who specialised in adolescents. Good Luck. |
Also the thing is if he is very bright as you say. You might look into the school system putting lots of his classes on a computer. And then working it out with him were he goes to say two classes.
Also remember that middle school is the hardest years. Donna |
I know this is a very old post, but....
Any child with OCD or anxiety issues who refuses to go to school should also be evaluated for Asperger's Syndrome. |
6 year old who refuses
I, too, have a child who refuses to go to school. He is 6 years and in the past month it has been extremely difficult to get him to school. The mention of school makes him pale, he hardly touches breakfast, he refuses to brush his teeth, we fight with him to get his clothes on, he takes his favorite stuffed monkey and hits himself in the head with it. By the time we arrive at school, he freezes and starts crying. While waiting on the teacher , you can see him draw inwards as though he is hiding in a shell.
We are currently working with a conselor and psychiatrist who pushes getting him back to school and has placed him on Visteril for anxiety. We are also working at obtaining a 504 plan but will have to wait one whole month to get it started. I realize the importance of school, and he is allowed to do his work at home, but I wonder if there is any negative consequences in pushing him too hard? We have used punIshment in the past and have taken everything that he values away but it does not phase him. What kid doesn't want to play video games? |
Hi there Momof2bys2gls.
Welcome to the NeuroTalk Support Groups. I'm sorry to read your son is having such a difficult time right now. I totally understand how worrying it is. Just my personal feeling, but I think that if a child or even adult person is really anxious then no amount of punishment or removal of special items is going to make any difference. I have an anxiety problem myself and it's quite terrifying when I'm forced by other people to do things totally outside my comfort zone. On the other hand though, I often push myself outside my comfort zone to help myself. Hard for a 6 year old to do that though. Give him lots of love and hugs and you're doing the right thing having him see a counsellor I think even if it helps you all as a family to see there will be an end to this for your son. I went through this with my own son although he had some other issues that were affecting his enjoyment of school. i.e. Asperger's Syndrome and a tic disorder and some other things (including OC behaviours), plus he was taking a medication for a very brief period of time which seemed to make him more anxious. School became a battle zone... not a safe environment. He was also being bullied very badly! I would wonder if something has happened at school for your son to become so anxious all of a sudden? I'd talk with the teacher/s and other staff who have contact with your son at school. I'd also think about any new things going on at home? If you have a new baby or have moved home and he's started school around the same time... gosh heaps of things. My son was helped a lot by a psychologist dealing with his school issues. He used to draw and make sand paintings and this seemed to allow him to express some of his feelings in a tangible way, rather than verbal. I agree with the previous poster from last january JKelton who suggested that a child with school anxiety issues be evaluated for OCD or AS. I wish you all the best. Keep posting and let us know more. These sites may not be totally relevant to your son, but I shall post them just in case they offer some advice for your particular situation. e.g. http://www.thebalancedmind.org/learn...eslie-e-packer Quote:
PsychCentral Control Back-to-School Anxiety By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx78.htm PsychCentral Separation Anxiety Disorder SYMPTOMS By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on August 7, 2006 |
The mom that is posting last about the 6 year old. Sorry I can't get
that long of a name correct so didn't try. But I agree with Lara, I would not be taking away things. I do not think it will help. I also wonder what happened in the last month, to make school worse for him. If this was gradual and it then got worse it makes more sense. Or if he was in preschool, and had problems during the winter, it might also. I would then wonder if its got something to do with the mornings not being daylight as much. I would see if taking him to school later makes a differnce also for one thing. You can work this in the 504, to take him say at noon, and then do the afternoon. If this seems to work you can then try increasing the day. donna:grouphug: |
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I experienced this with my son while going through the primary to secondary school transition.IT WAS HELL!!!!!!!!!!!He was so unhappy at the first choice of school and the Special Educational Needs department was lacking compassion to those children with needs to say the least. We gave it a good shot after bouts of EXTREME crying/temper outbursts and full blown aggression/resistance to attend school. We persisted with the school for 4 months until the day that my son came out of school and said......." I don't trust them!". That spoke VOLUMES from a child with learning difficulties and a severe speech and language disorder! After a discussion from a very arrogant/non compassionate lead member of staff I took action and withdrew him from the heartless school. After 2 months of home tutoring and a frantic search for a school appropiately adapted to meet his differentiated academic and non academic needs including compassion/speech and language therapy/ social skills etc the goal was achieved.:D He is now fully happy in his new school environment, has less academic pressure but is strongly encouraged to achieve HIS personal best.... not just meet school targets. The right school has to be found, and your child knows when it's right! If they struggle than compassion/patience is needed. LISTEN to your child........... Sometimes a change is needed.:winky: Best wishes to all out there who are experiencing this sort of struggle, I know how extremely stressful it can get! xx |
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Possibly ??????? ( NOT OFFICIALLY, I'm just suggesting) 98% of kids just go with the flow and adjust to new situations/change. If there is an issue.................. than there may be an ISSUE! And NOT one to be ignored!! LISTEN to your kids. Complaints DON'T come from nowhere. |
I don't know if this thread is still active, but my 11 year old son has the same problem, except that he's fine once he gets into school. He has temper tantrums and completely loses any emotional control, and it's a battle every day just to get him to school; if I can get him out of the car, he's OK, and has a good day, but every day is an exhausting battle just to get him ready for school and then on the way. He's very smart but just can't handle the emotional anxiety of going to school. We know there's no bullying going on, and have the support of the Child Study Team, and are seeing a child pyschologist as well, but for some reason his anxiety just skyrockets when it's time for school. He just started Lexapro, so we'll see how that goes. Will gladly listen to any suggestions.
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Welcome Argylge
Hope I spelled it correctly. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. I am not sure I can come up with any clues to help. But please feel free to keep talking to us. We will try to give you ideas. I don't know if you try different ways of getting him to school. Like someone come get him. If this would work. Donna:grouphug::hug: |
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