Finally Sorted Things Out With Friend
 

For over a month, I've had a houseguest, staying in the tiny cottage on my land.

She's an old friend, dear to our hearts, and we're helping her in her desperate time of need.

She's in the midst of a very painful mess in her 2-decade-long marriage.

Every day, for hours, she comes to visit, and details the latest installments of her husband's perfidies and reprehensible behaviour. (She's in constant phone and email contact with "back home")

While visiting me, usually in there somewhere, she begins to cry, and starts talking about killing herself.

well, yesterday, I'd finally had enough.

Here's what I said to her:

"Look, my daughter attempted suicide the day after her 16th birthday... she took a massive overdose of Fioricet, nearly died, was in a coma for 3 days, and barely made it."

"It took a DECADE of hard work to put her back together into a happy, fully-functioning adult, with a joyous life, a fulfilling relationship, and much hard work to heal the emotional trauma in our family."

"Because of all that, I don't want to even THINK about finding you at death's doorstep, or deceased."

"So, I would appreciate it if you would please STOP talking about killing yourself on a daily basis."

"If you're serious, then you need to go get some help, I am not able to give you the support you need at this time, I am too sick with MS."

"And if you're just being dramatic, or "joking" about taking your own life, well, I'd really appreciate it if you'd STOP, because it's not an appropriate way to describe your anger and misery, and if you're "joking", well, it's NOT friggin' FUNNY!"

She apologized, and said she wasn't seriously contemplating suicide, and said she'd stop saying things like that, and that she didn't know about my daughter.

:hug:

I hope I handled it right.

:o

You are a dear friend for taking care of her. Engaging her in a conversation about what she is thinking and feeling is a good thing....but..
the fact that she's is able to talk to you, to tell you how desperate she is, is something that you need to encourage her to do.

Talking about what your daughters attempt did to you and your family is also good. She should get professional help but I'd tell her that you are always willing to listen to her. I'd also ask her how she plans to kill herself....does she have a plan?

You are my kind of friend Cayokay. :hug:

yes, Alffe, I told her I'd ALWAYS listen to her, and love her dearly.

she confessed that she didn't realize that talking about suicide was so terrifying and painful to me.

and she said she wasn't REALLY going to do it, had no plans to do it, and was very sorry for talking like that, in not understanding how it was making me feel.

I'm still not 1000% sure that my friend isn't really thinking about suicide, as she is certainly in abject pain and hurtful misery (her husband brought another woman into the marital bed while my friend was abroad, and has now moved in with the "other woman")

but Alffe, we had a REALLY good long talk afterwards, and we both felt lots better.

:grouphug::hug::grouphug:

thanks for your support.

Oh (((Cayokay))) you are simply an amazing woman and I'm so glad you are here. What a good friend you are. I ditto everything Ms. Alffe had to say.

Much love. :hug:

I am glad you were able to have a heart to heart with your friend.
I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you. It sounds
like you are doing everything you can.. listening to her - being open
and upfront - and guiding her to professional care. Everyone should
be so lucky to have a friend that cares so much:hug:

thank you for the shoulder, guys...

I have a hard time saying what I really think when it's important...

I mean, saying it RIGHT, with clarity, and honesty, as I worry too much about hurting feelings. and misinterpretation.

it's something I'm working on...

:hug:

my pal is busy with my hubby in the kitchen, making wontons from scratch, and she seems in a much better place emotionally.

thank you for letting me unburden myself.

:grouphug:

Oh I think you say it just fine! How did the wontons come out? *grin

the wontons came out GREAT !!

they were the appetizer for the stir-fry dinner, served with sweet hot pepper sauce, yum!

:hug:

Glad things are going better for you and your housepest, er I mean houseguest. ;)

Yes, I know she's a dear friend, but even so, she's so needy and that can sometimes wear a friendship thin.

You must be a very very patient person. Bravo for you, Kay! :hug:

housepest, yeah!

I'm about one eighteenth of an inch from tossing her out on her kiester.

she left the gate open all night, because she came home too drunk to close it properly...

and I could have lost some of my flocks (200 birds) or the open gate might have allowed entry to a wildcat or neighborhood dog, which would kill my birds... I'm very very angry about this.

and she has brought strangers to our farm, which makes me uncomfortable.

I'm tired of worrying if she's going to kill herself, and leave us to deal with the problem... I'm just too freakin' tense about it... and even though I asked her to STOP saying that she wants to die she's still mentioned it twice more, after our conversation last month.

I have a rule, no shoes inside my house (because of all the free-ranging birds, and concomitant caca), and she wears her shoes inside, even though I've asked her not to... and tracks in dirt and ***** all over my newly scrubbed floors.

she takes the last cup of coffee in the pot, and doesn't make a fresh pot.

she slams the microwave door.

she passes gas loudly, and laughs.

she has drunk all my beer (I keep a case for guests, not freeloaders!)

she walks in, and uses everything, messes up the counters, tables, and linens, without asking, and without cleaning up after herself.

she *tells* me what to do, instead of suggesting, when I'm working.

she's loud, boisterous, rowdy, obnoxious, rude, crude, vulgar, and annoying... and she swears a lot.

at first it's funny, but after a while, it gets to be a serious drag.

she knows I can't risk getting sick, but comes over anyway, sneezing and coughing all over this morning.

she doesn't push her chair in, clear her dishes, or wash anything.

she doesn't empty her ashtrays, or contribute work to our farm. (except ONCE, she helped pluck a couple of chickens, but I had to RE-DO all her work, because she has blind spots in her visual field.)

yet she eats two or three meals a day here (on my Social Security pittance!!), she's cooked only twice, and she hasn't paid any rent.

a few times, she's chipped in for a tank of butane, and bought groceries (mostly snacks and treats, not staples)

she's eating me out of house and home, and I don't NEED another dependent needy CHILD to raise, I'm 51 years old, and too sick with MS.

two months of overhearing her frantic and painfully LOUD phone calls to the North, and her constant abrasive presence, and I'm about to go BATSH*T here.

she's so moody, tearful, and angry, that I can barely ASK her to do anything (like be quieter, or contribute) without her getting all upset.

she cannot take a hint, she simply doesn't GET that when my door is closed, that means I wish (or NEED) to sleep, be alone, or concentrate, or am busy.

plus, my husband and I are newlyweds, and it's a total drain to listen to every single tiny detail of her ugly divorce, or financial problems, and especially, to have to hear her make ethnic SLURS regarding the woman her husband has taken up with.

racism of any sort is unacceptable to me.

so, housepest status it is, Twink, and I've friggin' HAD it with her.

:(:mad::(

So, NOW WHAT??? :confused:

Can't wait to hear the next installment of this ongoing saga! :D

YOU GO, GIRL!!!

I dunno, Twink.

I'm thinking maybe I need a nice long nap.

:hug:

and a big hug or two.

here comes Excedrin Headache #666.

:D

Excuse me..I must have misunderstood you. This is a friend? Oh you have much more control over your temper then I do dear lady. I'd show her the door and caution her about letting it hit her in the ****. :rolleyes:

Alffie, I've been taking it all with a MASSIVE grain of salt, because she's so miserable, and forlorn, I've tried to assume she's just lost in that hideous stage of grieving and denial, and is just blind to how her actions are affecting us.

and she's always sorry... sorry she left the gate open, sorry she forgot to close the window, and it rained on my futon, sorry she didn't know I wanted more coffee, etc etc etc.

plus, she's really really smart, widely read, and a world-traveler, now working on a guidebook, and before that, was a photojournalist in warzones like Bosnia and Sarajevo, and Guatemala, so, she's tough, strong, witty, wild, and wonderful.

but right NOW, she's in an emotional toilet, and I don't know how to get her OUT of it, and it seems like she's irritating me much more than bringing pleasure (stimulating conversation, politics, archaeology, feminism, art, architecture, and photography) there's hardly anything she can't discuss intelligently, and skillfully,...

so yeah, she IS my friend, but right about now, that friendship's in serious jeopardy.

:(

what if I toss her out, and she goes and does something horrible?

:mad:

so you see my dilemma?

:confused:

Well you are a dear good friend to her but you cannot let anyone hold you hostage to the threat of suicide. She sounds like a neat lady before it all hit the fan...does she pray? Has she read The Shack? Hugs for you. :grouphug:

(((Kay)))

Here's what I'd do... http://home.mchsi.com/~njp/emoticons/plantpull.gif ... and then a little bit o this ... http://home.mchsi.com/~njp/emoticons/kick.gif ... and finish with a little bit o this ... http://home.mchsi.com/~njp/emoticons/seeya.gif

Yer friend seems to be doing a lotta this ... http://home.mchsi.com/~njp/emoticons/ignore.gif

Tell her aloha ... http://home.mchsi.com/~njp/emoticons/hula.gif ... then go outside and continue merrily with your ... http://home.mchsi.com/~njp/emoticons/garden.gif

It kinda reminds me of my best friend who is a recovering alcoholic. Way back when I took her and her 2 daughters in many times. Watched her vomit blood in the morning, walk to the freezer, and commence to suckin on a new bottle of vodka.

Then it started wearing on me really bad. She kept digging herself deeply until she was impossible to be around and I asked her to go home. We didn't speak for almost a year. Only then did we speak because she ended up in a hospital for treatment and I took her daughters for 2 months.

The lady needs to quit taking advantage of you and go home and if she doesn't have one, needs to find one and go there. Your health and sanity are too important. She's taking huge advantage of you.

I see why you're worried to ask her to leave but...as we've talked about before in some instances...if she's going to do herself in, she's going to do it. :(

And right now I'm berry :mad: at her!

I have some great ***** kickin boots and be there in a moment's notice if ya need some help. :hug:

Sheesh, you must have salt grains the size of bowling balls! How do you DO it? *shaking head


What does your dear husband have to say about this? Surely he must be sick of her by now???

okay, she's announced that she's leaving on Tuesday.

:D

we're generous and loving folks, Twink, but I don't think that my husband gets it that inflation has SKYROCKETED around here lately...

Belize inflation highest in twenty-five years!

Friday, 24 October 2008

The cost of living in Belize jumped nearly ten percent between August last year and August this year, according to a hot new survey by the Statistical Unit of Belize. That’s the highest increase recorded in the last 25 years, fuelled by run-away inflation topping 17.9 percent.

http://www.reporter.bz/index.php?opt...k=view&id=3118

we just can't *afford* to be housing and feeding someone, especially when they're an emotional drag as well, and not really contributing work or money...

:sigh:

OK....on Tuesday, the party begins! :D It'll be potluck.

:D;):D

well Twink, partly because she's an old dear friend, partly because she has MS (although a lot less progressed than mine) and partly because we operate a non-profit msg board together, (hubby, me and her) for expats.

part of why hubby and I get along so goshdarn well, we're both mellow, laid-back, and busy with our shared dream of sustainable farming.

but TWO MONTHS is a leetle beet LONG for a housepest, EVEN if they're in a cabana a hundred yards away, especially if they're always over HERE, sitting around, bemoaning their ruined life.

:o:(:o

but two more days, yeah, I can handle that...

potluck, Alffe, THAT's funneh !! considering the state of the economy, that's the only way to go nowadays!

:grouphug::hug::grouphug:

I think you should have a party on Tuesday! It's election day and exit day all in one!

http://f370.mail.yahoo.com/ya/downlo...Inbox&inline=1

Great idea Sandy...what cha gonna bring? :hug:

well, let's hope for a graceful exit on *both* ends, San!

:D

She's leavin on a jet plane....

Yippee!!!! And ya didn't even have to kick her in the tushie! :hug:

Hold that potato salad! I've got ten pesos that says she'll develop a new crisis by Tuesday. Betcha she prolongs her stay. Any takers? :D

yippie-ki-yay !!

bring on the tater salad, Twink!!!

:D

I'm bringing the soda and chips and dip and hotdogs!

well, she's gone.......

now, I need a nap, for about a month.

:D

geez, it was like being a mom again, with a needy and troubled teenager!

always having to listen, and be supportive.

yes, I'm good at that, but it's difficult to keep it UP for weeks on end, ya know?

:o

also, I'm gonna enjoy being able to leave the bathroom door open, (one extra thing to do when one must hurry, wah!)

:D

Kay pleae accept my apologies for not seeing this sooner, your a doll and a hell of a friend and your are absolutely right about what you said to her. Hopefully your efforts wont be in vain and you also have a house guest free house for a while:hug:

What? She's GOne? Just like That? *sniff

Did she say, "Thanks for Everything"?

Did she say when she'd be Back?

And finally, Where did she GO?

I'm stunned. And relieved for you.



Psssst: make sure you keep the doors locked! :rolleyes:

ah, Twink, she has a house of her own to go to... she says she just didn't want to be there alone......

she said "Muchas gracias" and expressed much gratitude, and apologies for being so difficult, and listened quietly when I explained the reasons why we couldn't house and feed her anymore.

and she says she'll send me some money to defray the utilities and consumables.

she mentioned swinging back by to visit, on her way out of the country, I politely discouraged that one, lol!

I love her to pieces, but if one can barely STAND, it's difficult to prop someone ELSE up, yaknowwhattimean, jellybean?

:D:p:D

I don't think she prays... but I encouraged her to read Eat, Pray, Love, and other uplifting books.

thanks for the hugs, Alffe.

:hug:

in the "Exit Lecture" I also mentioned that it *galled* me when she went to local fundraisers and charitable functions,and donated lots of money...

I said "If there's any deserving CHARITY around here, it'd be US, like contributing to the household bills, perhaps?"

I'm supporting this entire FARM with my paltry SSDI, guess she didn't realize......

:confused:

and I left out one thing... she CHEWS her icecubes from her glasses of water, chomp chomp chomp... I was almost ready to perform a ceremonial disembowelment upon her after an hour of THAT...

:D

and she brought over a BIG bag of the guesthouse linens on her way out.

all the towels and bedding are left for me to wash, hang, fold, and put away.

:SIGH:

:rolleyes:

What can I say....you'll get your reward in heaven. *grin

And I'd forgotten that my mother in law used to chew her ice..irritated the heck out of me. :D

Eat, Pray & Love was good....but ohhhhhhhhh The Shack!

"Exit lecture" LOL! I'm so glad you did that. Good on you!

What a great friend you are. Your generosity will come back around, don'cha know? :hug:

thanks, Doody!

:hug:

I believe in paying it forward, backward, sideways, and all around.

:cool:

I've been helped in the past, in dire circumstances.

:o

but I was always low-profile, low-key, grateful, helpful, pitching in, and never assuming nor taking advantage.

:winky:

and certainly NOT for 9 WEEKS...

:D

Wow Kay,

You put up with a lot, and I'm glad it came to an end. :Crowded:


*hiding my glass of icecubes behind my back* :lookaround:

aw, honey!

the chewing isn't a problem, really, I usually wouldn't mind, but I was doing the fine work (plucking pinfeathers takes concentration) and I guess I was annoyed because she helped with the easy part, and then took cig breaks, and crunchy-crunched right next to me... for like, twenty minutes.

:D :hug: :D

a little bit of follow-up, for all of you concerned folks at NT...

my erstwhile houseguest finally emailed me...

I've been worried because she completely dropped off the radar, and nobody's heard from her among our circle of mutual friends.

anyway, the gist of the email is, she's gotten some HELP, medical, counseling, and antidepressants.

I'll be praying for her, and hoping the meds and therapy work.

y'all are welcome to pitch in with prayers as well.

:grouphug::hug::grouphug:

and youse guyse ??

thank you very much for all your support for ME...

I couldn't've been NEARLY as helpful to my friend-in-need, without you all backstopping and supporting ME in turn.

:hug::grouphug::hug:

You'll reap your reward someday for all you did for her, Kay. :hug:

Sometimes I think we're being tested....just to see what we're made of. Who knows....maybe one day when you least expect it she'll come into a windfall and think of you first when she's trying to decide how to
spend it!! ***yeah, right!!:rolleyes:

You'll reap rewards just for the goodness and kindness (and oddity :D ) that you share with this board. :hug:

I'm glad your friend is okay! Smart lady to do what she is doing.