Ok.......I'm angry
 

I spent 5 hours yesterday at my family’s graves and talked to them. I put this stupid little resin rock on Mark’s grave but did he see it? For that matter did anyone see it, does anyone care? No he decided to take his life, to ruin our family. My mom and dad and Mark are with God and I’m left here to wonder what went wrong.

I have been angry from the moment I saw him hanging in the bathroom. I am angry that he chose this route. Yes he was probably very ill -- but it was free will that allowed him to kill himself. I am angry that he left me here to try to console myself and I loved him so very much.

I am angry that he was so selfish to not think about his family. We always thought about him. Now we, no I, am left to think about him everyday with pain and despair.

So, yes -- I am angry. It hasn't lifted much at all. Although most of the time I feel sad and filled with angst. The anger has not subsided -- and everyday it actually seems to grow. When I have to lay down my head at night and cry myself to sleep, or when I kneel at the graveside all alone as I pray he is safe and I will see him again one day.

I am angry that I can't show my anger or resentment. I am angry that I have to try to be strong. I am disappointed that I couldn't save him all those years ago.............I am angry that he didn't want to save himself!!


You asked me if I wanted help, so this is a cry for help. I don't know where to turn, no one understands. I hope you do.

I don't have it in me to use the angry symbol because normally I don't get angry, so I'm just using the sad one.

I am not a pro or have to much experience with this but ..I can say It is good you are angry ,good you can say you are angry.
It is not fair that mark decided to leave you and his family his life the way he did. It is not fair that he didnt want to or know how to fight or find a better way to face his issues. You deserve to be extreamly angry... ****** off..
It is importion to let these feelings come to surface and come out on paper in posts to us...let it come out in safe ways like you are doing we are all right here. we understand the anger and live with it ..our own anger . It hasnt lessened because there is a lot of it and it needs to be expressed. that is importion BJ and it is good you are able to share it with us. It is okay to feel this way we all do! you need to feel angry. It is a first step a long step and after some time passes and you let the feeling come, face it find ways to safely express it you will move past it.Not that the anger dissappears but you move past it.
It is NOT fair and it is not right and you deserve to be angry.
all i can do right now is say I am sorry and offer you a hug :hug::hug::hug:
I wish i had some wise words and answers for you but i dont . just keep facing your feelings and share with us we will all help you.
I am glad you shared and I know when others come by they wil add more advice and better words then I can. because as a family we all help each in our own way the best we can.
and you are part of our family we love you! we are here for you always any time for anything. so let it out. Please keep talking and sharing your feelings BJ

Of course you're angry...he changed everyone's life without thinking what it would do to his family....there is just no understanding it BJ...we will probably never know why...even tho he left a note...it sounds like you still don't know why. He had everything to live for and threw it all away.

Someday when you are able to forgive him and to accept the unacceptable..your anger will quiet down but you aren't there yet. :grouphug:

Admiting that your angry is a big step. Five hours is a very long time to spend at the cemetary...can you still talk to your priest? :hug:

This notion of free will is relavant....
WE all get to decide what actions we take.
WE have the freedom/right to determine our lives.
It is our responsibilty.
Everyday we choose what we will do.
I think you are making great steps.
Expressing your anger here ....is a huge step.
now the hard part is to actually tell your therapist about this anger.
To say it and own it is very powerful.
Telling the truth is exhausting and freeing.
Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us about your anger.
Remember, your meds are essential right now, please take them as prescribed.
much love to you
bizi

He totally knew what's left with suicide. He knew the pain because he felt it too. Yet, he completed it without a good bye.

What is the question? Am I angry? Hell yes! Am I angry at Mark? Am I angry at my predicament or circumstance? Well, I would certainly not choose this but here I am. Do I feel responsible for inaction, mistakes or unrealized complicity in what happened to Mark? How could we have known, he seemed like a normal kid, not a care in the world. I'm angry at a world that preaches acceptance and offers little. I am unaccepted now more than ever before and that makes me angry.

Maybe my anger is misdirected or a cover for my own guilt. I don't think that for one second but I suppose it is possible that I can’t see the trees for the forest.

I guess I’m in a mood after what the grief counselor said, that’s what ticked me off…..move on. I try to avoid this stuff but sometimes it's just so big and I am glad I have a place to spew it all - where understanding abounds - that's what I long for most.

Although he’s is in a much more peaceful place -- I am selfish and want him with me. We could be weak together and nobody would be the wiser.

And yes I’m angry at my dad for what he did to me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the son you always wanted even though I was the one who used to get up at 5AM and be Mark’s catcher so he could play for the NY Yankees one day. I’m angry that you felt it necessary to take it out on me for not living your childhood fantasy and sitting in the Yankee dugout. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your son, I'm sorry I was ever born.

I Would NEVER call you selfish nor do I think you are a selfish person! :hug::hug:
I am not sorry you were born Bj None of us are sorry you were born.I am sorry how your dad treated you .I am sorry how others actions have hurt you and sorry that you feel so badly. but I AM GLAD AND THANKFUL YOU ARE HERE!!!!!!!! I am greatful you are sharing and fighting and reaching for some light ,reaching to make it threw all this.
I pray you are taking your meds Like bizi said it is important to take them when you are instructed to and not skip any . and share your anger and feelings with you doc. it is hard but a little at a time just a bit at a time. you can do it. we'll help you. we are here for you :grouphug:
I pray your time today is lined with a bit of sunshine and some healing.
Love you BJ

(((BJ)))....I don't know about your grief counselor....but to tell you to 'move on' just does not sit right with me. To suppress what we feel is to cause more 'dis-ease' Getting in touch with your feelings, expressing them, and not feeling rejected by it, is essential to healing. And that will take time. I hope your future sessions go better. Please know that you are not rejected here, and please keep expressing. It is so important! I hear your pain...:hug:

Dear bj girlie,
When do you see your individual therapist again?
I know that the group therapy is not your thing...do they have someone to talk to one on one there?
I am so sorry that this is so hard.
Really wish I could take your pain away.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

(((BJ)))...just to let you know that I am thinking about you...:hug:

BJ,

I am so glad others have the wise words to say to you..

I have been trying to find the right words and I still can't...

but wanted to send you some ((((HUGS))))

perhaps you might be too numb to feel them now or don't want them...

please save it in your reserve bank and take them out whenever you need it....

I do want to say this...I think we have every right to anger...

and we need to express it and let it out, otherwise, we'd explode...

the trick will come to how to not to let our anger take us down with it and destroy us in the process...

that's the part that I have no insight toward...but for me, it's about posting and venting and letting it out...

perhaps for you to keep on posting about your anger...it would help you...

hope so...

:hug:

(((BJ))) I also can't find the right words. Please know that I care.

Much love. :hug:

I know there are no words but thanks for trying. I can’t think what to say either. Maybe if I wasn’t the one to find him hanging there this would be so much easier. I thought he was just taking too much time, we shared a bathroom and sometimes this happened. We had this unwritten rule to never walk in. But I yelled for him to hurry up and there was no answer. I finally opened the door and saw him hanging there. He was such a fanatic about his baseball uniform and hat. His hat was still on straight even though his body was lifeless and blue. I just can’t get that image out of my mind.

I’ve been going through my mom’s belongs these last couple days because it’s always been too painful for me to do. I found something that's had me in tears ever since I found it. My mom lied to me; Mark did leave her a note. I kept the note that Mark left to me because I didn’t want to hurt her, I didn’t want her to think that he knew what he was doing. But she knew all along but never told me. But now at least I know why my dad hated me and did the things he did to me. It's just a hard pill to swallow right now. I wanted the truth and I got it.

This all must be so hard to deal with....
I can't even begin to understand the family dynamics that you have been put thru.
It still doesn't make sense why your father was so cruel to you, how does that explain it now that you found out that your mother had a note also?

I hope that you are getting in some walks with hooper girlie...
the weather must be getting cooler for you...it is here and we are in the south....
keep posting, keep talking venting...
we are listening....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

(((BJ))) See? You were not the only one 'keeping secrets'. At least let go of that guilt. You were all trying to protect one another.

I think a lot of us hold images that haunt us. I do. But the one image I can think of is nothing I can change. It happened. It's part of my past. When it comes to me, I block it as fast as I can and move me and my mind in another direction.

It's hard not to live in the past, it takes work to move forward and also to live in the now.

As you heal, I hope you'll be able to block this image as well. Work with your therapist on this. Just sharing with us is huge. It gives us a chance to take some of your hurt away. :hug:

BJ
 

I'm glad that you are posting. The anger that you feel is repressed anger,that is coming up to the surface,and it can be expressed,and healed. It is good,and healthy for you to uncork the anger. Let the anger come out. This will be healthy for you. I found this out one day myself about me. I let anger come out,and I felt relieved for short periods of time. Brokenfriend:hug::hug::hug:

Yes, Brokenfriend is absolutely right. It's good to release the anger. You've got to get it out. Holding onto anger can be destructive to us, so letting it go is a good thing! You are doing great sweetheart! :hug:

Longing…is an actual physical pain, the longing for the one who passed by way of their own hand. I can close my eyes and feel Mark’s presence, feel the way he would look at me with that big grin that said he was tickled that we were brother and sister. We always wanted to be together; at least that’s what I thought. What he wrote in that letter to my mom tells it all and I’m sure she showed my dad. My dad wouldn’t have turned away from me or abused me like he did if she hadn’t.

Yes, you’re right Doody we all tried to protect one another. Now I am left as the only one in the world with those memories, no one to share them with, no one to say " do you remember when we...."

So what do I need to forgive my brother for, for completing suicide, for hurting me, for hurting our family? I was talking to my priest about it and I said if my brother was sitting beside me, right then, and I said to him that I forgave him, he would say “What for? This is my life, my choice, my responsibility, my decision to check out! And if YOU have a problem with it, then see a shrink!” I absolutely know that is what he would say.

So I've been questioning myself if I honestly even believe in the concept of forgiveness, really and truly. Sometimes in my adult spiritual life I've had to sit down and get quiet with myself, and honestly question myself about exactly what it is I do believe.

So.......this is just beginning, an effort on my part to struggle with the concept of forgiveness, to decide to forgive for my own sake.

I've never particularly like the idea of acceptance either. I am much more comfortable with the word reconcile.

"More than one soul dies in a suicide". I can’t remember where I read that but truer words were never spoken.

BJ
 

He was not thinking right before he committed suicide. I don't know what your Mother thought. She was probably grieved,and didn't know what to do,or think. They may have tagged the blame on you,but nothing could be further then the truth. It was((Not!))your fault. I'm so sorry that all of this happened.

It is very traumatic for you. It sounds more,and more like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,and not only grief,but also rejection.

As far as forgiveness,when Jesus was on the cross,and people betrayed him,even his apostles,He said Father forgive them,for they know not what they do.

I believe your parents knew not what to do. They where human. We all make mistakes,and unfortunately hurt others.

That is always a part of a emotional healing. Forgiveness. It will also bring peace,but by all means let the anger out. You may need to let the anger out before you can work on forgiveness,but please keep it in the back of your mind to forgive.

I don't think anyone really meant to harm you. It sounds like there was allot of hurt,and tragedy in your family. I think that they all had their own troubles,and it was not your fault.

God's yoke is easy,and his burden is light. This heavyness is not from God,and He wants your heart to rest. He wants you to be at peace. None of those things where your fault.

Not only Veterans go through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I love you. You keep hanging in there. Let the anger out. Please keep it in the back of your mind to forgive. It's a delicate process for the heart to do. Brokenfriend:hug::hug::hug:

This my friend is beautiful.
bizi

:hug: BJ
sometimes I think forgiveness is more for me then for the person I am forgiving, I meen the pwoer and controll that blame and guilt has on me is horrible so in order to shake off that ugly power and gain some controll back I forgive the other person. then i feel more in controll the guilt kinda drops away a little bit slowly and surely it drops bit by bit and I feel much better after a while. because i have decided to forgive and that in itself is very healing and helpful.
your whole post is beautifuly spoken and Thank you for trust and for sharing and reaching. I hope thing are getting better at your day apts. Have you gotten to see a grief councilor yet? I pray so. Keep sharing with us and your doc , group and take your meds and eat healthy make sure you get your rest too.
we love you so much BJ. your a great friend and a wonderful family member here. You are smart kind and have a huge heart. I am glad you are here and that I have gotten a chance to meet you and become a friend! Many Blessings at you BJ.
Sending positive healing prayers for you.:hug::hug::hug:
:grouphug::grouphug:
:grouphug:
:hug:

PEACE
BMW

((((((BJ))))))))

BJ
 

How are you doing tonight? I hope that you are doing OK. BF:hug::hug::hug: