Dear BJ 10/16/08
 

BJ. Are you OK? I am sitting here thinking about you,and I know that you are trying to cope as well as you can,and I feel for you. I know it's a difficult,and lonely place for you right now. I'm sending "Hugs":hug:your way. Have the grief councilors helped any? I hope that they have eased the burdens some,and that you realize new things. Brokenfriend:hug::hug::hug:

talk to us....
we are listening....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I haven't been back to the grief counselor yet. I couldn't stand to hear the words to get over it because I can't just shut it off. I miss my parents and my brother more than anything. I just have this empty feeling in my heart. The few hours I've slept I've been having nightmare after nightmare, seeing my brother, reliving things that have happened. I told my pdoc I'm ready for the EMDR and will see the EMDR tdoc on Monday. If I have a psychotic breakdown, it's better than living like this.

BJ
 

I personally don't like that New Phrase,"Get over it" either. It's a rude saying that sort of stomps on the feelings of the listener.

Did they say anything helpful?

Can you get some Pastoral counseling,from a tenderhearted Co-Pastor. I've been threw that,and now the Pastor has moved to the other side of the country. He was good to me,and helped out allot. It was from a Presbyterian Co-Pastor.

It wasn't from that inexperienced Pentecostal church where they( True Story!)hit me.

It was from Pastoral care,counseling,and prayer. He helped me allot over about 3 years,or more. This was more then 15 years ago,and It's hard to find good counseling. Brokenfriend:hug::hug::hug:

Dear Girlie,
Tell me about your meds.
What are you taking now?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

BJ,
You don't have to "get over it."
You do have to have people in your life.
Go back to the counselor. Ask him what he meant. Maybe you can give the counselor another chance. Explain things to him. Teach him a few things. Then give him a chance to help you.

He might end up being good. If he still stinks after two more visits or so, move on to someone else. Please make sure that you have people. You (and the rest of us) need people.

These things are too hard to do alone.

I pray that the EMDR will work for you.

Mari

I’m up to 200mg of lamictal, 40mg of Geodon twice a day and 600mg of lithium 3 times a day.

However, this week since taking the increased dose of Lamictal, I've had trouble sleeping. I fidget and/or jiggle my leg or foot when sitting and seem to be crawling out of my skin.

I just am not sleepy. Or, rather, I think that sleep, as an abstract concept, sounds really nice but I just am not sleepy. I sleep about 3-4 hours a night, and if I try to lie down for a nap during the day I can maybe fall asleep for about 10-15 minutes before the dreams start.

I also am hypersensitive. My emotions are all over the map. I feel on the edge of tears all the time, and I feel that I am just starving for positive human contact. This is a contrast to last week when all I wanted to do was hide alone in my house.

That old, "I want to go home," thought is reverberating in my head, and I know that that means I'm feeling extremely tired and sad and hurt and little.

The strange part is that I don't feel speeded up in my thoughts, speech, don't feel the pressure to talk, I’m not running around doing a bunch of stuff, I'm just not sleeping and having hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-sensitive emotions.

I found a dead squirrel in my yard yesterday and cried for about 45 mins. I always said if I could come back as an animal I want to be a squirrel. I watch them off my family room window running up and down the trees and they always seem to have so much fun. But my stupid neighbor cut off all the bottoms and they have to climb really high to get to their nest. That’s probably how this little guy died. I didn’t know what to do with him and I was afraid the ferals I feed would eat him. I went out just as it was getting dark to shovel it into a box and something came out of the bushes and grabbed it.

It's sort of like hypomania, it's sort of like depression, and I know it's possible to have a mixed state, but this is different from anything I've experienced so far.

Do you have any klonpin or other benzo to help with the anxiety issues?
something like klonipin, xanax, valium, might help you to sleep better.
I can't rmemeber if you have tried a sleeping pill before or not, lunesta works for many folks.
sorry my memory is not all that good.
Thank you for sharing describing to us what you are feeling.
I have been on emotional rides before...ususally it is when I have been manic and am coming down from that high...
yes it sounds like you are having mixed episodes which are really hard to control.
Are you taking walks, listening to music, going to a coffee shop just riding the bus around, going to a mall to get out to be with other people.
Do you have a dog park?
getting out gives you the opportunity to talk to strangers...
I wish it was easier for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Me Bp

We are here. I am in limbo at times. But I'm always reading what you
have to say.

I wish I could reach out and hug you.

Divine hugs often have human arms -
a best friends, a mate's, a parents,

And because they are
God's personified presence

it's okay to cry in their embrace,

We need him

No one else will do.

I don't have any of those meds you asked about Bizi. My pdoc doesn't trust me, it was my fault. I was hoarding and I felt so bad and finally I broke down and told her. So now I've lost her trust, but it's my fault. I know that lack of sleep is a bipolar's worse enemy so I'm going to try really hard tonight.

I can't go to mall's any more either much. I used to love it but all the noise and people walking so fast makes me feel like I have to speed up or something. That's why I go to Barnes and Noble, it's in the court of the mall and detached so I don't feel the mall pressure.

I did take Hooper to the park for a while and we spent some time in the back yard. I just don't like how I'm feeling right now, I've never felt this way before.

BJ
 

It feels lonely in those Malls too doesn't it,even though all of those people are around. I feel alone in those crowds. I feel disconnected. I sometimes feel phobias in the mall.

I love to go to Barnes,& Noble also,when I'm in town. I'm out here in the podunks where people loose cellphone service. That Verizon guy in the commercials would say "not good" out here. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Dear BJ,
Barnes and Nobles is a good idea.
I hope you are sleeping tonight.
M.

how are you doing?
let us hear from you
we are here to listen....
just thinking about you dear girlie.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

I was going to start another thread but I might as well add it to this one.

I have had my first session with a Specialist Trauma Therapist yesterday. I finally had to admit to myself that I was not coping with this on my own, and need some help. After telling her of my life events, she said there were multiple traumas, a "living grief", therefore symptoms and treatment will be varied. She warned me that I may have some weeks I may not want to go for therapy, because of what it entails, but I so want to begin with the healing process.

She asked a lot of questions in the beginning about what happened, and how I felt about what happened. Also, we discussed a "safe place" for visualization. And her final questions were pretty much about how I felt about my actions (hanging onto a lot of guilt). I phrased my perception of my role one way, and we talked about what happened, in the end phrasing it another. Short phrases were used to resolve the conflicts I had with myself. She would say the short positive phrases, I would picture that "safe place", and she would sit in front of me, and just move her arm back and forth, and I needed to follow the motion with my eyes.

After feeling comfortable and safe in my "safe place", with soothing music playing on the headphones, the next step is to delve into the not so comfortable places.

That was the scariest thing ever. With the headphones on, there was a thunderstorm playing in the background, thunder, and rain and lightening flashes. I have never been afraid of thunderstorms, in fact, I have always loved them but after yesterday I am not sure how I will feel the next time I witness one.

When my therapist told me to think of the negative feelings I have, to concentrate on the negative feelings, and how they make me feel, and let my brain do what it wants to do, at first there was just darkness, and I was very scared, she told me to walk into the darkness, and I couldn't, something wouldn't let me. I had this incredible pain on either side of my head, a huge pressure, also down the back of my neck. Then I see an image, a really frightening image, and I start to cry and shake uncontrollably. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and she told me to take deep breaths. She asked me to describe what I had seen, so I tell her, it is the exact same image that I have in nightmares. But I have only ever experienced it in nightmares, up until now. Now what is really worrying is that the image was so terrifying, I am hoping to God it is not a memory, but my brain reacting to my feelings. I don’t know how long I will need this EMDR therapy, but I hope I find the strength to see it through to the end.

My therapist is brilliant, caring, understanding, makes me feel safe, and reassures me constantly...

Anyway, that is the update, now I know what I was afraid of, and it is just the beginning. She told me I might feel out of sorts for a few days with all the memories so I'm just trying to distract myself and still trying to sleep some. But my pdoc is so proud of me and I'm quite proud of myself for going through with it because I was terrified and still am. It's hard work but I just know it's the answer.

thank you for sharing this with us.
Wow!
this sounds fantastic...really challenging/scarey stuff.
Your therapist sounds great!
Just perfect for you.
I am so happy to read about this for you.....
you can dothis,,,I know you can.
You are a very stong woman who has endured so much....
keeping you in my thoughts.
love bizi

BJ
 

Wow!!!!!!!!! It sounds like you have really got a experienced Grief Counselor,who seems to know what she's doing. I'm so happy for you. BF:hug::hug::hug:

http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m.../teddybear.jpg

This is hard work that you are doing, you are worthy of this work!
(((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Dear BJ,
This is great.
You are doing good work for yourself.
Mari

Thanks everyone. I think this is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it's been a long time coming realizing I needed help, and I accepted help. I was down so deep and I just didn't have the will to climb out. I new if I didn't do something, I'd end up back in the hospital or worse.

Thanks for being here for me and encouraging me to talk through this. I have a long way to go but it's a start. I'm tired so I hope I can sleep. I didn't sleep last night for fear I'd see that image I saw. I have to try to push it away though and go to my happy place.

I hope you sleep peacefully tonight....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

BJ
 

Sometimes the anxiety,and medicine can cause strange dreams. Just try to relax,and don't worry about the dreams(Easier said then done. I know:eek:). I get strange dreams allot. I hope that you have peaceful dreams tonight. I'm sending ((((Hugs))):hug::hug::hug:your way. I hope that you sleep tonight.:Yawn: Look at that little yarning thingamabob. LOL I hope you rest. BF :hug::hug::hug:

On Monday I am headed back to work for 1/2 day because I have EMDR in the afternoon. Yesterday I wasn't nervous at all but today after reading my CPA exam review books I started to freak out.

All those stupid voices in my head: telling me I'm not any better, I'm going to crash and burn, that I'm going to go back to working like a dog. And what will the staff whisper behind my back.

I'm worried that I have just stuffed everything back down and something is going to trigger it again and I'll be right back to where I was 8 weeks ago.

God I hope I'm well enough; I don't want to go back to being a workaholic. I don't want to forget that:

I am more important then the practice I work for.

There’s a lot more to me then being a good accountant.

I don't have to fix the problems overnight.

I'm stressing myself out just writing about it. I've been afraid to sleep for fear of the nightmares. I finally told my pdoc and she trusted me with a script for Ambien. It's only 5mg but hopefully it will work. I'm exhausted.

THis is a great report!
Remember that they make 12mg if the 5 doesn't work...it worked wonders for me.
I just read somewhere that a client tapes her tdoc sessions so that she has her voice to listen to and also to hear the positive things that the therapist is telling her.
Wonder if this would help you to be able to her her reassuring voice when ever you needed to?
bizi

I've been sleeping with a teddy bear lately Bizi, besides Hooper. :) I talk to "him" and it's almost like talking to a therapist. He doesn't answer me so he can't judge me. My tdoc mentioned this once and I thought it was silly. I practice what I want to say in therapy or to someone. Then when the time comes it seems a little easier since I already said it. I know this sounds stupid but it's been working. I had to talk to one of the partners today about coming back on Monday and I rehearsed the whole conversation talking to my teddy bear.

I am so proud of you!
read the mirror thread!
i jsut snuggle up with My Bear:o
bizi

The mirror thread? I know you have a teddy bear, I remember how upset you were when you thought you lost him :hug: Watch your email, something should be forwarded your way :hug:

the mirror....the new one I just posted silly!:)
bizi

BJ,and Bizi
 

I'm glad that the teddy bears are helping. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I'm really impressed with your talking to the therapist. I think you are off to a great start.

Keep it up.

Donna