i am so exhausted
 

i have been spending most of the time in bed watching msnbc and cnn. even reading the internet is a big effort. Yesterday I tried to stop smoking. I am looking at smoking as a big problem and not worth it. I don't know if i can continue. I still feel snowy is a part of me so although i am depressed over his death i feel he is so close.
my appetite is gone. on friday my housekeeper brought me more soup and i offered to pay three times. she works so hard. I am so blessed. My friend came over that night and we had a lovely time. He is dealing with a lot of family problems but it doesn't show. We talked about them and i tried to be supportive. On Sunday another blessing my dear friend called and invited me out to lunch and we had great conversations. She also has family problems and i tried to be supportive. These days it is easier to listen than to talk.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
I am glad to hear that you have some wonderful people in your life.
They care about you.
I wish I could tell you to stop watching tv...but I can't do that.
Quiting smoking is a very hard thing to do, maybe you could jsut cut back....
It was cold here this morning 39....burrrr!
I bet it was cold there too.
(((((HUGS)))))
Lets snuggle to keep warm!:hug:
bizi

I'm glad you have lots of folks who give you support. That helps soooh much.

I hope you are able to give up your habit. You'll feel so much better! :hug: Keep trying!

Dear Bobby,
I wonder if the exhaustion is part of a depression-type thing happening.
Be gentle with yourself. Find more tasks to do that make you feel better (or at least less bad) like connecting with people -- if that seems to be working.
Mari

i am still not smoking. i am still just watching msnbc and cnn. my network of friends is very small so I am basically isolated. Last weekend i was very lucky.
I feel so stressed and I still feel so relieved about snowy but i realize i do feel pain about his loss. right now i have the urge to smoke but it passes. I just have to wait til it passes. I guess it is something else to occupy my mind.
I hope i can read soon. the exhaustion is probably from depression..rats
Bobby

Now if I could just apply your strong willpower every time I had the urge to eat!!! :o

Dear Bobbi,
Good job on the not smoking.
I hope that you get some relief from the exhaustion.
Mari

I am sorry that you are exhausted....wow, you are trying to quit smoking....this is a huge thing...good for you have you ever quit cold turkey like this before?
bizi:hug:

yes i have done it before. a friend just wrote me and said the first two weeks are the hardest. i am chewing a lot of nicorette gum. before i just went cold turkey. the gum is helping. i still have impulses to smoke though. i can't just cut back. that has never worked for me.
I was really upset by your post Bizi. If only you could feel what a special person you are....you have a passion for helping people and being compassionate....what a beautiful trait
Bobby

Great news on the quitting smoking, I am a smoker, wish I had the will right now to quit.


I hope you start to feel a bit less exhausted as the days go by.

You are very lucky to have a good support team of friends with you, that's so important. Hang in there, thinking of you!!!!

Hugs, Nikko:hug:

it is so nice to have you back. you have been sorely missed. I still don't have confidence about giving up smoking. My friend said it gets easier after two weeks and it has been less than a week. It just became too big a problem and too expensive.
bobby

When I quit once, prior to my c-spine fusion, I used the nicotrol inhalers, its a little plastic case, inside is a plastic small cigarette type device and you have your nic cartridages to replace when the one in the cig is used up.

It did work for me, but I had to quit prior to the surgery, so I had no choice, but that was the best way for me. It is a prescription, at least it was.

Worth a try, just a thought.

Good Luck......Hugs, Nanc:hug:

today i haven't had any nicorette gum yet. it is such a psychological addiction. today i am really having a hard time. For the past several months i wake up very frightened of everything.
Bobby

Make sure you drink lots of water Bobbi. It flushes out all the toxins. You can do this :hug:

Have you changed meds recently that you can attribute your panicy feelings in the morning..or when you wake up?
Some people have panic attacks in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.
Do you ever have that?
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear Bobby
 

I'm sorry that you are feeling bad. I have gone through a period of time where I had panic attacks immediately after waking up. I forgot how long it lasted. It didn't last to long,and it went away on it's own.

Don't worry. You will be OK. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I'll be your cheer leader if you want
 

Bobby,
You are doing great. Each day on this journey is another good day for new you:
Here is something I found on a UK site about how the benefits of quitting smoking are immediate:

http://www.myonlinedoctor.co.uk/quit-smoking.html

You may be right that the addiction is more psychological then physical. I am pulling for you.

Mari

thank you Mari. that was a good incentive. I do feel physically better but the psychological addiction is still there. I tell myself that if i start again I will feel ph6ysically worse again. I still have an unopened pack in my apartment. I wish i could look at it as poison because I think it is poison, poisoning my system.
my fears when I wake might be related to depression. My friend said that since the prozac helps, maybe I do not have enough prozac in my system and need to tell the dr to up the medication. I don't know if he will do it. I see him on the 18th.
I finally was able to read some yesterday. I don't know what is going to happen once the elections are over. I put so much energy watching the news about it. So much is repetition. Obama makes me optimistic.
I had a nice time again with Kent on Friday. He is so sweet and bright. He usually brings me flowers and always wine. We order chinese food. I usually don't feel bipolar or worry when he is over.
I worry so much of the time.
Bobby

You can do it!!! I know there is a pill that Dr;s give for people giving up smoking, yet I can't remember the name, it actually helps them to stop, and I guess it is like an anti-anxiety, at least that is what I would think.

Good Luck....stay the course.........

Hugs, Nikko:hug:

the pill is chantix(sp) i think but it can lead to suicidal thoughts etc...not good for a bipolar. I am fighting more the psychological addiction. I don't know how long that will take. As i said my friend said it took him two weeks before it got easier.
Bobby

I am so glad that you have kent in your life.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Bobby,
I don't know about you, but this election has really taken up my life.
It's no longer just in my head. I can feel it in my body.
I've ridden the ride since about Jan 08.

I'm ready for it to end. I'm beyond anxious about it; I am totally involved in it.
I'm going to do some "self-talk" (word that my tdoc likes) and tell myself that after the election I can let go.
Let go of that.

I cannot imagine how consuming this can be with cable television.

'Hoping you feel better.

Mari

Dear Bobby
 

Are you feeling better? I'm so sorry that you've been exhausted,and have had a problem with quitting smoking.

With the shorter days,there are allot more people depressed out there. I hope that you are feeling better. BF:hug::hug::hug:

i am feeling so much anxiety and depression right now. It is beautiful outside. I know i should go out but.....
I am the same way Mari...what an addiction....here we are supposed to eliminate stress from our lives.
I put my hand on my heart a lot when i think of Snowy. I think his death was very stressful and I am probably feeling pain. It is also stressful giving up smoking. I am hanging in there and reinforced by feeling physically better. This morning was the hardest yet. I thought it was supposed to get easier but i guess the election has added so much tension to today. I keep the tv on all night which i shouldn't. I feel as if i am one big blob of fear. I might call my friend in Israel for support. She might have a good idea what to do with the fear. Also yesterday another friend sent me a link to the Jewish view of charity. We had gotten into a minor discussion on socialism and Obama. The article was so fantastic. It again was a blessing. I am just blabbering on....i wish the fear would go away. It is so painful and uncomfortable.
Bobby

You have been under a lot of stress, and once today is over and the tallies are up, you will feel better. This is a hard week to stop smoking.
You are worthy of this hard work.
Know that.
((((HUGS))))
love bizi

thank you Bizi
I think I did have a break through but i haven't incorporated it yet. Kent's son has a mental illness. When he gets depressed he becomes psychotic. The other day I felt so much compassion for Chris. Then I realized I have a mental illness. I guess I still haven't accepted it. I realized I should feel compassion for myself. I don't hold high standards for Chris but rather just hope he gets relief from his illness. I don't expect things from him in his actions. He is handicapped. Then I realized again how still I put so much pressure on myself and am so self critical. I think I should be doing things that are really out of my control. I should be comforting myself and just do what i am capable of doing without putting stress or judgment on myself.
I have to work on this. I have to work on compassion for myself and I guess we all on this forum have to take the leap and start feeling compassion for ourselves rather than making the situation worse.
How can you feel mentally ill when your mind works?
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
I was struck by your mention of compassion again.
It's important. I'm working on it. I want to be better at it.
Mari

that is really great Mari....I am glad you picked up on it. it makes sense doesn't it?
I have been so lonely during this period...I am so happy about the election and so terrified about the economy. I feel so isolated.
Bobby

((((((((((((((((((((((((mymorgy))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))

Thinking of you.;)


Hugs, Nikko:hug::hug:

that is really sweet. i have been so depressed this week. kent isn't coming over tonite but he said he would come over on monday.
i have such high hopes for obama...but not enough to drag me out of this depression
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
Isolation is hard.
I'm sending you good thoughts.

My anxiety about the country went away about three or four days before the election.
I fell asleep sitting at the computer while I was reading about the election. When I woke up I felt different about the election. A wave of energy had come over me and after that I FELT that everything regarding the election and the state of the country would be all right. . . . hard to explain, I know. .. . .
Basically, I felt that I could stop expending energy on this and let Obama and his team and others in power handle this.

I'm reading less news than I was.
And when I read it, it can barely hold my interest and I end up clicking on something else.
It's important to me. But I don't feel like it is about me anymore.


=-=-=
There is a cool picture going around of Obama saying:

EVERYONE CHILL THE F*** OUT.
I GOT THIS.

http://www.gamer20.com/forums/thread/4049/
It's reasuring somehow.

Mari

Hi,
How are you feeling today? Just checking in on you, thinking of you.

Nikko:hug:

thank you Nikko
that is great Mari
I wish i could feel that way....I still have been feeling isolated depressed and fearful. I can't seem to handle anything. Today i was able to cry a little over Snowy. I used to tell him I needed him. Now he isn't here anymore. I am still not smoking. I am not eating much. I am hardly reading. It is such a mixed period for me. I wish i weren['t so fearful or at least understood why i was so fearful.
Bobby

I am sorry bobby,
What does your tdoc or pdoc say about this fear?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

i haven't mentioned yet. I will bring it up at the next session.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
I could be way off but I wonder if part of this is from the withdrawal from cigarettes (both physical and psychological).

I knew someone who stopped smoking cold turkey in her 60s. She had a hellish 30 days when she did this "detox." All she did was sit in her chair and feel miserable for about a month.
She did not even realize why she was so down until she started feeling better.

She was not on any gum or patches or anything like people do now a days, but I imagine that any adjustment to the system- - like stopping smoking -- can temporarily be extremely uncomfortable.. . . just some ideas. Maybe you are experiencing a completely normal but difficult reaction.

Any kind of exercise would help.
Vit C maybe too.

In any case, I hope that you feel better soon.

Mari

Bobby
 

I sending (((Hugs))) your way. I had a really bad time getting off a sleeping medication a long time ago. I don't know how I got through it,but I did.

I'm sorry that you are having a bad time. I hope that you feel better soon. BF:hug::hug::hug:

thanks BF and Mari
Maybe it is partially to do with the smoking. Even though i wasn't enjoying it that much there was a comfort to it. Now that i lost Snowy and smoking, besides finances on paper my world seems all shook up. Now that the election is over, that is another big emotional void.
Again I am so relieved that Snowy is no longer suffering a poor quality of life. I am relieved that Obama got elected! I am relieved that i have been able to stop smoking so far and have been losing weight.
I just wish i felt better
Bobby

Bobby,
I wish that you felt better today.

Snowy was good for you and you were good for him.

Mari

thank you Bizi and thankyou Mari
Snowy was very good for me. Iused to tell him all the time i needed him and now i tell him why didn['t he take me with him. He was so brave and noble.
It is such relief he doesn['t have to put up with his poor quality of life. It was easy to let him go. It still hurts so much. Physically I feel so much better now that i am not smoking. A big problem has evaporated. The physcological addiction since hasn't left. It was at the stage where it made me feel physiologically so bad but it was still comforting.
Last night kent came over and brought the most beautiful flowers. I told him I missed him and he told me he thinks about me all the time. I couldn't believe it. He said if his mother goes to Hong kong he will see me more often. She is supposed to go on the 16th but still can change her mind. Her health is so poor but she is so stubborn. He and his siblings are hoping she will stay there and accept care there. She will not accept the much needed help she needs here.
He is so kind to me. He is also so much and knows so much. Last night among other things he was telling me about all the achievements of Cuba.
As usual, I could hardly sleep at night. I moved around from the futon to the floor to the couch and spent all day in bed.
Bobby
I am now taking B Right, a b complex and b12