The search for WHY!?
 

In my quest to know why Dad took his life, I have learned things I never knew before. Each new fact tortures me. The cup analogy plays in my mind. I know no one single thing decided that fateful moment when he decided, he'd had enough. Many things contributed to his mindset. He had seen so much in the wars, he had been through so much personal heartache. I am not trying to find someone to blame for his death, but I am trying to figure out how Dad could feel suicide was the only answer.

I knew my Dad believed the cancer was back. He had lost weight, over 60 pounds. He felt weak, and complained of how he couldn't do things any more. He was tired. He had been to the doctors. Later, after his death... I found out he had been in the ER the weekend before..... I found out after, he was suppose to go to his doctors at 3pm, he killed himself at noon. He didn't wait for testing. We will never know if the cancer was indeed back. But, truly what does that matter? I suppose the only thing that did matter, is that in his mind, he "knew" it was back.......

What is troubling me now, is I recently found out that my Dad did confide to his doctor that he was depressed. Obviously nothing was done to help him. I have been torturing myself with this new found knowledge. Had I known, I might have been able to save him! I sit here now, wondering WHY his doctor didn't offer him any sort of help? I am shocked that my proud father admitted to a professional that he was depressed, yet no steps were taken. I feel, he could have been saved. I feel a compelling need to make sure this doesn't happen again. I am unsure of what I will do. But, I know I have to do something.

Bless you, Nikki, for wanting to make a positive difference in helping others with depression.

I am so very sorry that steps weren't taken to help your dear father, when he had the courage to confide his depression to the doctor. :hug: He must have had his "brave face" on, else the doctor would surely have understood that he desperately needed help. If only, if only. :(

Nikki, you are courageous like your father, to delve into this information that upsets you so. I hope that somehow it will help with the closure that is so slow in coming. Perhaps now, with your new determination to reach out to others, your thoughts will be refocused and give you the impetus to go forward with your aspirations.

I'll be very interested to know what your plans are. Praying you will find direction for your energy and comfort for your troubled heart. :hug:

Oh that elusive why question. :( That unanserable one that we all ask, and ask, and ask until we are satisfied.

I can only speculate about why your dear dad wouldn't share his depression with you. He loved you so much Nikki and knew how much you already had on your plate...I'm sure he knew you'd want to "fix it" for him and it was probably unfixable.

Keep asking dear lady....a "journey of a thousand miles". :grouphug:

I agree with Twink...you are very courageous.

((Twink)) your reply, well... it made me cry. But, a good cry.... you are such a treasure and I am so thankful you are in my life:hug:

((Alffe))... again, thank you!! I will keep on swimming ;) In my heart, I think that is one question I do know the answer to. He didn't tell me, as he didn't want me to stop him. :( I could have, and I know it with all that I am. Had I only known...............

I am not sure what I will do just yet. I do feel a strong need to let his doctor know Dad took his own life. My step mom only said he passed away. I need to think on this some.... I need to find a way to let him know what is in my heart. My intent is NOT to make this doctor feel responsible or badly.... but, I do feel he needs to know he could have done so much more. I think it would be a tragedy if I didn't let him know. Perhaps in the future, when a patient tells him they are depressed, he will take action. Perhaps a life can be saved!

I can't believe I did it :eek: I am not sure I am ready for this.... but, I emailed our police chief and asked what I could do to raise suicide awareness.... not only for our community, but to our doctors. There are signs... we may not see them, but they are always there. My Dad reached out, told a doctor he was depressed, and was ignored. That, simply has to stop. A first step.............

I also can't help but think, screw confidentiality. I DO understand how important it is!!! But, is it more important than a loved ones life? If I admitted I was depressed or suicidal to a doctor, wouldn't my Dad have wanted to know? Do I now wish, with every fiber of my soul...that I had been told he was depressed? Oh hell yes!!! It is a hard place to be, I can see both sides. But, right now the only side that speaks to my heart is, my Dad may still be here if the doctor was allowed to tell me.............

Still thinking.... still searching...... thanks for being here with me:hug:

Bravo for emailing the Chief of Police! So proud of you!!! :hug:

No matter how long and hard you search for a reason Nikkey, you won't be able to answer the "WHY" that haunts you. Each suicide is individual, regardless of the generalizations about the "whys", and there may be no way you will completely understand your father’s thought process and that’s the part that sucks.

Your journey through grief cannot be compared to another person's journey. You will grieve in your way and in your time. Grief does not have a set time limit. The only certainty is that it will take longer than you want it to. Fear, depression, anger, loneliness, despair—these emotions come and go with dizzying unpredictability. Your life is like a roller-coaster ride that you can't get off.

Stay on the ride. You can't hurry the grieving process. My grief counselor told me each time one of these emotions comes flooding back, it is a sign that you are recovering. No matter how long it has been, you still carry a portion of your grief with you. Emotions you already dealt with come flooding back at the most unexpected times. Grief's timing is not your timing. Just yesterday I was in the supermarket and saw a pack of baseball cards. It all came flooding back how Mark used to collect them, put them in binders, cherish them like they were gold. I stood in the middle of the produce aisle and suddenly I found myself absolutely shaking with sobs. Fortunately, there was no one else in that particular aisle. All the feelings, thoughts, and emotions came rushing back. I started thinking of my mom and how she’d probably be home having her nose buried in a cookbook trying to come up with the perfect Sunday dinner if she were still here. I left everything in the cart and walked out the door.

You feel as though you've been in this pit, this dark tunnel, on this roller-coaster ride, far too long. There is no microwave healing Nikkey. There's no way you can just zap it, and you're better. If there was, I’d set that microwave on high and zap all our pain away.

The holidays are bearing down on as and for me it’s an emotional land mine. The emotions you feel on those days can be as intense or even more intense than the emotions you felt at first. But try to remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there. And you will get there Nikkey :hug:

((BJ)) You inspire me:hug: I know everything you say is true..Thank you :hug:

I am not sure why I have been fighting it? But, I have put in a call to a grief counselor. :eek: I have never been to any sort of therapy. I certainly respect it, and always advise others to get the help they need. But, hmmmm... it is different to admit you need the help yourself. I have always managed all life’s tragedies on my own, with help from friends, family and God. This pain, goes beyond my abilities. My coping skills were destroyed that day, and I simply don't know how to build them back up.

This past week, has been a sort of revolution for me. I have these overwhelming feelings that I must find a way to make my Dad's death seem less senseless. I feel a need to take steps to make sure doctors don't dismiss people when they admit they are depressed. I have a need to try to honor Dad's tortured soul, by fighting, by not letting this depression slowly and quietly eat away at me to the point it claims yet another life.

I want to do what I have always done when faced with tragedy, turn it into a way to help others. Again, I am not sure I am ready for this :eek: But, I DO know the only thing that has ever helped my soul heal, is in reaching out to help others fight the battle I am. A way to turn my pain, into a positive, it brings me comfort and healing.

I am talking a lot with our police chief. I live in a small town, I learned that in 2006 there were 6 deaths by suicide:eek: I knew of 3, and thought that was entirely too many!! I found out that last year, the town formed a coalition. Their goal was to raise awareness and to offer local mental health services. The closest place for us to go is about 45 minutes away. They now have a doctor one day a week in town, and they have held two seminars at the local library.

It is a start, but it has a long long way to go. Again, it is a small town, yet, I never heard of this coalition. Another :eek: .. I plan to join the coalition and see if I can change that *deep breath* ...... I want to do so much more. Only through awareness , breaking the silence, can there be prevention. I want to shatter that silence. There is nothing here for survivors, I want to change that as well.

For the first time in a long time, I feel a glimmer of hope...........

Keep moving forward, Nikki, and turn that glimmer of hope into a bright beacon for others who need it. :hug:

Thank you twink :hug: I'm a trying! ;)

((BMW)) sent me this, I just love it. I copied it and have it right on my computer so I can see it. Thought I would share it with you. Thank you Tina:hug:
http://i349.photobucket.com/albums/q...ht/Horse-2.jpg

Dear Nik-KEY


Do they have a Samaritan service where you live.

In the UK its a free-phone number, some towns and cities have drop in centres as well for face to face talking. also free]..as not everyone likes the phone.

IF not ........and you feel compelled to help address the curse of suicide....why not seek out several like minded people in your town...seek the support of your local government office to acquire a property to base yourself.

if your town is made aware of the free supportive listening service..you will be surprised how many people call..............


from acorns---come oak trees.....................good luck with whatever you choose to do to highlight this curse in humanity.


David

I've tried to find the Why...
 

Hey Nik,
As you know, my mom did the same thing... we were best of friends, only 16 years apart. We spoke every day... sometimes 2 times a day. She stopped taking my calls one week before.

She "had" told her doctor! He "did" give her medication! It wasn't enough! Medication is not the answer to the immediate deep dark depression they are going through.

However, if her doctor had told her husband, I don't know that he (her husband) would have been able to stop her... If your dad's doctor was compelled to tell someone, wouldn't it have been your step mom? It wouldn't have been you necessarily. AND, do you think your step-mom would have reacted?

Unfortunately their generation (my mom is from the same age group) thought that mental health was something that wasn't supposed to be discussed. It was a "secret" that people weren't supposed to know about.

My step-dad told everyone that my mom died from a heart attack! Well, yes, her heart stopped beating.... but he didn't want to tell anyone that she had committed suicide! Even ME! Her own daughter! Her BEST FRIEND! I had to find out from the police department in her town! I did what you did... I investigated. I called the police to find out what happened and they told me the truth!

It's one of those sad things that until WE can get it out there how much it hurts the family... and how important it is that everyone get help... it will continue to be "swept under the rug"!

Depression is a hereditary problem! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!! Don't become one of the statistics.

I remember after my mom was gone, I was actually hospitalized for a week because of mine. I reached out. NO ONE LISTENED!!! I asked for help from my husband. I asked for help from my doctor. I asked for help from my neighbors. Finally, I took some pills myself. I knew it wouldn't kill me, but I was so deeply depressed I couldn't get anyone to hear me! I needed help and I needed it bad. When they put me into the hospital, I got the intense therapy I needed! The sad part is, I didn't have medical insurance, so no one followed up. I was left to go it alone after that.

It's a long long hard road back to the real world. I'm going on 5 1/2 years and now I'm having to file bankruptcy for all the medical bills that were created during that time.

Emotionally, I'm doing o.k.... but financially, my life is a ruin!

ASK FOR HELP! I know I'm in a lot of financial trouble, but you know what? I'm alive! I have three beautiful children who love me and four even more beautiful grandchildren who light up when I walk into the room. NOTHING can replace that feeling!

(((Nikki))) I'm not trying to shoot you down but it's too soon in your grieving to change anything..you need comforting, you need to talk about your Dads' decision...I can see you doing all of this down the road..when you have accepted what he did..when you have forgiven him.
Then you will be able to reach out and help someone else.

You wouldn't be the you we have come to know and love if you didn't want to change things...but trust me...it's way too soon. :hug:

Thank you David. I was invited today to speak with the town about the coalitions goals and to tell my story on Nov 19th. :thud: Not sure IF I can, but I am going to try. My short term goals are to get into grief therapy (first appt next week) and to start the wheels turning with the town.

My long term goals, I am not sure of at the moment. But, I do know I have a long way in my own healing to go before I could be any sort of help for those contemplating suicide. Caring for Lynn, and my own disability will limit what I can personally do also. Just that one suicide call from my Trigeminal support group I am involved in had me a total mess for weeks :eek: I'm not ready... yet

But, I can talk with the town about programs I feel are needed. I can express my concern for lack of local care, and the lack of support for survivors. They say for each suicide there is an average of 8 (close) survivors. In two years time in my small town, that leaves over a hundred survivors!!! I am sure, they feel as alone and consumed in their grief as I do.

Years from now, I might be able to aspire to do something as wonderful as the Samaritan. " from acorns---come oak trees" With healing and time, perhaps I could become a great oak. It gives me hope, and I need that now. Thank you ((David)) you make a great raincoat!:hug: Nikki

LOL, Alffe you reading my mind again? You must have been writing this as I was typing my reply to David:hug: You are correct as always, Now is too soon ... but not to soon to change anything....baby steps :)

((Seams)) Thank you for this and for your IM's. Talking with you has helped me greatly.:hug: I didn't know about your immediate after math, I am so sorry you had to go through that! :hug:I know the feeling well. It is actually very common for close loved ones to think, or act on suicide themselves after such a loss.

I was blessed in that area.... I wanted so desperately to just go and be with Dad. But, I was alert enough in "the dark fog" to know one should not be that happy thinking about dying. It shocked me enough that I did seek help. I remember clearly that moment. My Dad always said, there ain't no lace on my panties, I remember screaming to Dad to God.. well there damn well IS lace on my panties! I made the hardest call I have EVER made. I called my Mom and told her I hurt so badly I wished I could die. That I loved her and my family so very much, but I didn't think I was going to make it.

*crying*

I know I hurt my Mom with that call, she burst out crying saying you keep talking to me! Damn it, you hang on for me , your sister is on her way! She kept me on the phone till my sister arrived... she told me over and over how much she loved me. I kept saying I'm sorry Mom, I'm so sorry.... and I will never forget, she said no darling, don't be sorry, be damn PROUD!!! My sister arrived, tears streaming down her face, her body wracked with sobs, but she too didn't condemn me, she cradled me, told me she too was proud of me and that we were going right now to get me some help. We stopped to pick up my Mom and I placed a call to my doctor.

All the way their I was wracked with guilt for putting my poor Mom and sis through this hell. They insisted I had done the right thing, that they were crying because I was in so much pain, not that I had caused them pain. They said, if I hadn't reached out, and had done what Dad did, that would have surely killed them. Now, looking back, I know what they told me is the truth. It would have hurt had Dad called and told me he hurt that badly, but NOTHING compared to the pain he left me in.

I was also lucky in that I have a very kind and compassionate doctor. He had a shot ready, hugs and tissues. He kept me there for the longest time. It has been 8 months, but I remember word for word what he said to me.... I don't think I will ever forget......He lifted my face up and while holding my face and making direct eye contact said " if you had cut your arm off, you would RUN to the closest place to find help wouldn't you!? Well, your heart has been ripped out of your chest, and you are damn well bleeding to death! I am so proud of you for coming to me, for asking for help."

I was shocked that so many people were saying they were proud of me! It floored me at the time. Now, 8 months later.... I can see the strength it took to reach out. Certainly more, than had I given in.

So yes, part of me is very angry at that doctor. I imagine it cost my proud strong Dad even more to admit to him that he was depressed. Something should have been done. I will never know if the meds could have worked. I will never know, if he was given meds would that have opened a door for him or my step mom to tell me? So, I understand medication alone, might not have saved him. But, he DID deserve the chance. It is tragic, and it needs to stop!

((seam)) through your sharing, opening up to me.. you give me strength and more important, hope. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart:hug: Nikki