I'm Sick of All of This...
 

I am truly sick of all of this and wondering how much worse things can actually get.

This weekend on Saturday morning, we got a call from my grandma saying that my grandad had collapsed and that he wasn't breathing and that she thought he had passed away and that she didn't know what to do. My dad immediately rushed round to check on them both whilst my mum called an ambulance.

The person on the phone to my mum called my dad and told him to start doing CPR to try and get his heart beating again whilst the ambulance arrived. The ambulance arrived pretty quickly and they started doing CPR also and told my nanan and dad to go and sit in the kitchen out of the way.

My dad called and asked my mum to go to my nanans house so she did straight away. The ambulance crew were working on my grandad in the house for about half an hour and then they finally got my grandad into the ambulance. They said they had got a little heart-beat but not to get our hopes up as they thought it was from the drugs that they were giving him. My mum took my grandma to the hospital and my dad came round and checked on me.

The ambulance even had a police escort them to the hospital to try and give my grandad the best chance of surviving. When the ambulance arrived at the hospital, they rushed my grandad straight into the ER and started doing treatment and CPR on him.

Unfortunately after an hour of trying to get my grandads heart back beating, they had to call it a day and my grandad passed away.

My mum and dad came and picked me up and rushed me straight through to the hospital. I was SO upset and in such great shock when they told me what had happened.

The Doctors allowed us to go and see my grandad and that had to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. Seeing my grandad laid there with tubes hung out of his mouth was heart breaking and me and my mum, dad and nanan burst into tears. My nanan kept shouting to my grandad telling him to stop being stupid and to wake up .... it was too upsetting to see so I went out of the room.

By the time we got out from seeing my grandad, most of our family had arrived. The nurse gave us all a book to read about what to do following a bereavment and explained a few things to us. It is believed my grandad had a major heart attack but because it came on SO soon, they are having to do a post-mortum to rule out everything else.

My nanan found out today that the funeral is going to be next Tuesday (a week tomorrow) and they are having a service at the church and then they are going to the crematorium and then having a small dinner in the local pub near where we live.

I am SO upset and angry at the moment. I wont eat (my nanan literally had to force me into eating as I hadn't eaten for 28 hours), I wont talk hardly, keep crying, can't sleep as everytime I close my eyes, I see my grandad laid there etc. All of this just seems like one big nightmare, I keep hoping that I will wake up and everything will be OK but I know it wont be.

I wish I could turn the clock back, there are so many things I wanted to say and wish I had done differently but I know I can't do that now.

Me and my mum wrote a verse today for the local newspaper and it made me cry as it is SO true.

This is what we wrote:

We never got the chance to say
One last goodbye to you
To let you know how much you mean to us
But we are sure you knew…..

No dad could have been better
No grandad was more fun
The times we shared were precious
Your smile brought out the sun

You’ll always be here with us
Forever in our thoughts
Sleep well dear Dad and Grandad
Thanks for the joy you brought

If I could say one thing to all of you on the forum, it would be to tell your family and friends how much they truly mean to you and tell them often that you love them. I didn't say this often enough and had to learn the hard way and it is SO much harder than you could imagine and I don't want any of you to go through what I am.

I wish my grandad could come back, I love him so much! He was the best grandad you could ever wish for. He used to make cards and everyone thought it was silly but he loved it and it brung such joy and pleasure to his face. I really want to continue making the cards as it is what my grandad would have wanted.

Well, I better go as i'm crying again. I know I should be strong and that my grandad wouldn't want to see me like this but it's so hard to do so.

(I know this isn't really about RSD but I knew you would all understand probably better than anyone).

Dearest Alison....

Big gentle hugs coming your way! My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

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:hug: Ali :hug: I'm so sorry for all that you and your family are going through. It's so terribly difficult to lose a loved one. I lost my DH seven years ago in much the same way....very sudden and no advance warning of any kind. It just rips the rug right out from under you.

You're right.....we should all let our families know how much they mean to us each and every day. I never say goodbye to either of my boys (be it on the phone or in person) without telling them I love them. And they do the same with me. Unfortunately we all know just how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away from us.

You're fresh into this grieving process, Ali....don't expect too much from yourself and please don't punish yourself. None of this was your fault. Everyone has their own way of grieving....no one way is better than another. It's all very individual and personal....so if you feel the need to cry, then cry. If not, then do what gives you some comfort.

You and your family are in my prayers. :hug:


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Hi Ali
 

I'm so sorry about your granddad. Its awful to lose someone so close. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Take Care

Laraine:hug:

Ali,

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. My girls lost their grandfather the same way. I know it is so very hard to go thru. Just remember that he knew you loved him. As a parent and a grandparent, I know I'm loved, even tho I don't hear it everyday. Please keep eating and taking care of yourself. The last thing your grandfather would want is for you to suffer more then you are. Honor his memory, but honor his life even more. Grow to be the beautiful young woman that you will become, and do it because of him, and in memory of him.
take your time to grieve. He will always be with you, not in body, but in memories and love.

PM me if you want.

Hugs
Mary

Hi Ali,
 

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through.

My two Grandson's were about your age when Bill passed away 2 years ago last Friday. My biggest concern was getting them through it. I hope that your Mom and Dad can help you with this as I believe they will.

Dustin took it the hardest. He was 13 and Devin was 12. They still carry a picture of him on their cellphones and even a picture of his dog which died about a year after we lost Bill.

Just about a month ago they put a song on the phone by Cheech and Chong. He loved those two and the boys watched those movies with him.

It does get easier but it takes time but I think as much as you loved your Granddad you will always have him in your heart the way the boys do Bill.

My heart goes out to you and your family in this time of grief.

Ada

Sorry for you loss
 

Ali,

Please know that you and your family are in my prayers. Do not dwell on what you wish you had said or done. There is no way that you should put yourself on a guilt trip. I am sure that you loved your grandad with all of your heart, and trust me he knew that!

Remember the many wonderful memories of the time you had with him. There is nothing wrong with being sad (we all have things that we wish we could have done differently) but don't let anger fill you with negative energy. You need to eat to maintain your strength, so please do the right thing.

Take care,

EJ :hug: :grouphug:

Awwwww, Ali, sweetheart. You are such a precious jewel -- I'll bet your grandfather knew that. You are so loving and giving, even though you have your own plate full.

I am glad you are going to continue creating cards, because you know your granddad would approve. The poem you and your mum wrote says it all. If you hadn't said who wrote it, I would have guessed you borrowed it from a greeting card. It's perfect. :hug::hug::hug:

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for you!
 

I am so sorry for you! You poor thing! I am 34 and still have my grandparent's (on my mom's side) and know how much I love them, that I can't even imagine what this is like for you!

Hang in there and please let me know if you need to talk/vent/etc...........


:hug:Erin:hug:

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

We really do need to act more like the lives of we and ours are tentative. It won't really make it easier when people die probably.

I'm sure you'll find the strenght to get through this.

Best wishes.

I'm so sorry
 

Hi Ali
My heart goes out to you and your family. Let yourself feel the emotions, do what you need to in order to get through this time. We are all here for you.
Here's what happened to my sweet grandpa, my dad:
I lost my grandpa as well, it will be 4 years this December the day after Christmas. He went in for surgery (hernia), We all knew if he was going to have an operation his chance of survival would not be strong because he had a heart attack years before which damaged a good portion of his heart.He developed pneumonia, it was the longest week of our lives. He was more than a grandpa, he did everything a dad would do for their child. He never put his needs first always others. I miss him so much. I made a collage of photos and hung at the funeral home and to this day it hangs on my wall.
I also made a video with photos to music of my grandpa, the photos have everyone in the family in various parts, it was my way of coping. Everyone copes differently. If at some point you would like to learn how to this I'd be happy to explain it. This was a great form of therapy for me. I made copies of the video and gave them to family members. My grandma is so thankful for it, she watches often. I even have a part with his voice on it.
My father in law passed away when he was 55 from a massive heart attack as well. Life is very hard Ali but remember all the good times, your grandpa knows how much you love him. If there's anything I can do please let me know. I want to reach out and hug you, tell you everything will be OK and it will sweetie, time is what you need and please give yourself the time to cry and laugh to reflect on the memories.
I was also given a poem by someone at the services, here it is:

Some things I would like to say.
First of all to
let you know I arrived I ok.
I am writing this from heaven
where I dwell with God above
There are no tears or sadness,
just eternal love.
The day I had to leave you
when my life on earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me and said
“I welcome you.”
Then God gave me a list of things I had to do and foremost
on that list of mine is to watch over and care for you.
When you think of my life on earth and all those living years
because you are only human they are bound to bring you tears.
Do not be afraid to cry it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, if there was no rain.
When you are walking down the street with me on your mind,
remember I am walking in
your footsteps-----
just a half a step behind.
And when you feel that gentle breeze
or wind upon your face,
that’s me giving you a great big hug or just a gentle embrace.
And when it’s time for you to go from
that body to be free
remember you are not going
but coming here to me.
I will always love you,
From my home way up above.

Many hugs and love Ali...:hug::grouphug:

Summer

Sorry
 

Ali,

SO sorry for your loss- yes you are right - we all should tell the people we love how we feel,,,My thoughts are with you

Love,
Debbie

Thank you all so very much!
 

Thank you all SO very much for your kind words and prayers, it means SO much more than you could ever imagine at a time like this.

I'm still not eating hardly, it is 5pm over here in the UK and I have only had a small bun today. Everytime I try and eat anything, I feel really sick afterwards. I was supposed to have my PT appointment today but just didn't feel like going so my mum cancelled it ... the nurse called us back and said she was so sorry to hear about my grandad and that it was fine to leave PT until I felt better (as long as I did my exercises daily at home!!), she said that the main thing is that I drink plenty of fluids and that I don't push myself into doing things as I don't want to end up in yet another, serious flare!! I am so glad they are being understanding.

My nanan got the results of the post-mortum yesterday, my grandad didn't suffer from an heart-attack, he passed away from Pneumonicosis and Bronchial Pneumonia, which caused the heart-attack from being down the pit. They are now having to do an inquest, all of this seems to never end.

I'm still really upset. I had to write a letter to my grandad today (the corener and my nanan wanted all the grandkids to do this) and it was SO very hard to do. I kept crying everytime I wrote anything down. I also have to find a picture of me to put in my grandads coffin and we are to take them down when we go to see my grandad on Monday at the Chappel of Rest - I don't know if I want to go yet as it was too painful the first time.

Stacie - I love the poem, thank you so much for sharing that with me! I would love to learn how to create a CD with all of my grandads pictures and music once the funeral is over, that's a great idea. I don't have that many pics of my grandad, it's a shame really but I have a few that I would love to use.

Thank you all so very much for your kind words, it means a lot and I have shown my nanan this thread and she was overwhelmed and says thank you all.

Love,
Alison.

:hug: Ali :hug:

Thank you for the update....I was wondering how you and your family were doing. This will be a very difficult week....what with all the arrangements to be made and company that never seems to end.....please rest when you can and try to drink plenty of water. I didn't eat well, either. Actually I didn't eat at all for several days......it's not the best thing to do but sometimes it's just impossible to eat. As long as you're getting plenty of water you'll be okay...just don't let it get out of hand.

You and your family are in my daily thoughts and prayers. I know it seems like it'll never get any better but it does.....slowly. Give yourself time and don't try and do too much. Same goes for your Grandmother. Let others help where they will. I learned real quick that everything doesn't need to be done my way or by me! :o

:hug: :hug:

Ali,
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, hon. I know how hard it is to lose a grandparent. I was too young to really understand when my grandfather passed, but I've lost both grandmas since I've been an adult, and it doesn't get easier.
My heart goes out to you, and if you need to talk, I'm always here.

Ali, holding you in prayer. :hug:

Hugs to Ali, AlisMum & nanan. So sorry for the loss of your dear one. :hug::hug::hug:

Hi Ali, I am so glad I checked into the forum. It has been quite some time. I am so sorry for you and your mom and nana's loss. This is the hardest thing in life to do but if you look around you and watch very carefully some beautiful things will unfold during this time of saying good-bye. Your grandpa was no doubt very proud of you and how strong you are in life. You must have given him so much. Your love has not boundaries. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Take very good care of yourself. ---jo

Ali :hug: my apologies, for the delay on my condolence on your loss, I am so sorry, remember no matter where someone goes they are always close to you in your heart and never leave

(((Ali))) I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa. It's hard losing our grandparents. Holding you close. :hug:

God Bless you Ali and your family. Your Grandad will never be far from you. Just know that he is always near. Feel his love and presence each day. My love and prayers....Diana

Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers, it means so much more than you will ever know at a time like this :hug:.

This week has got to have been one of the worst weeks of my life. On Monday, we went to see my grandad in the Chappel of Rest and that was SO hard, he just looked normal and I thought he was just going to jump up and say he fooled us all but I guess it was wishful thinking unfortunately.

Tuesday was the funeral and that was SO very hard. Even just seeing the coffin on the street made me start crying and when the curtains closed in the crematorium, I just wanted to stand up and say that was my grandad and that they couldn't do that to him.

My RSD is flaring at the moment also, probably from all of the stress and upset and also from some of the additional walking that I have been having to do. I try and go to my nanans every day to keep her company, it's so hard when I don't feel like doing anything but I NEED to do it. My nanans coping pretty well, although you can tell she's so upset, she says she is better when someone is in the house with her as it takes her mind off things.

My leg is rotating out to the side more now, I see my PT's next week hopefully so will see what they say and if they can suggest anything that may help. I've lost 3 and a half lbs in the last week - I need to lose weight but I never wanted to do it this way!!

Thanks again for your kind words, they mean a lot and i'll keep you updated.

You are not alone
 

Ali

Thanks for the update. You sure have been through a lot. You've been in my thoughts so much lately. I know how you feel and what you are going through. The loss of my grandpa is very much in my mind. I know people say time will heal but you will never forget.
Remember all the good times you had with him. I don't know if you believe in the afterlife, the poem I posted to you earlier on this thread is how I feel about the loved ones I lost. In the summer of the year my grandma passed away there was a butterfly fluttering around for about 45 minutes, this blue butterfly was the same blue eyes my grandma had. It was a quiet afternoon and I had gone outside to unwind and next thing I knew this butterfly kept fluttering near my patio. It brought tears and a smile to my face.
Sometimes signs like this happen when you least expect it.
I'm here if you want to talk.

Take care of yourself Ali, stress is not good for RSD...I know you know that. You are more educated than I am on RSD.

Just know you are not alone sweetheart...:hug:

Ali, I am so sorry for your loss,
 

Dear Ali, I feel as though I know you. I am so sorry for your pain, I lost my Mother 4 years ago, this august. The recovery is hard. But something I read above is so true , I cant remember who posted it so sorry for that- but it is true he will never be far away. I have felt the comfort of my Mother many times during diffucult times she is always near. I imagine you too will feel that closeness as the pain changes.I try to remember the good times - private talks, special moments,and fun times. It can be the smallest thing and then I feel as though she is near. You and your familly are in my prayers. Im so very sorry for your loss Ali. CZ

Thank you so much Summertime and CZ for your kind words - it really helps knowing that people are here to listen and understand although I am so sorry that you both have had to lose your loved ones and that you have had to go through the same thing as me:hug:.

It's so hard trying to cope without my grandad but I know he will always be with me and is always looking out for me. It's so strange going round to my nanans house and realising that my grandad wont be there - I always used to look into my grandads chair and I still do it now.

Last Thursday, I had a pretty scary experience. I was in my bedroom on my computer and all of a sudden, everything in my bedroom kept moving. I told my nanan about it and she said the same thing happened to her on exactly the same day. I'm not sure if it was just my mind and wishful thinking or whether it was actually my grandad coming to see if I was OK but it did scare me quite a bit! My nanan also said that the other night she couldn't sleep and was laid in bed and she felt someone sit on the bed and it scared her also as when she opened her eyes, there was no one there.

I'm dreading Christmas. It will be the first Christmas without my grandad and I think it's going to be so hard on all of us. My grandad used to always love Christmas, he was like a baby when it came to Christmas! My nanan said she doesn't want to put her tree up but we're going to as I know my grandad wouldn't want us not to at least try and have some fun.

We should get my grandads ashes back sometime this week. My grandad always said that whenever anything happened to him he always wanted putting in the garden so that is what my nanan is doing! My mums also ordered a rose bush that is named after my grandad and my grandma is going to get a bench for us all to go and sit on and remember my grandad by.

I've been trying to go and see my nanan every day - it's pretty hard trying to go round when I don't feel too good but we have to go and keep her company. She has 6 kids but not many of them have actually been to see her. My nanans daughter (my aunty) has only been to see her once and when she came, she kept getting everything of my grandads and asking if she could have it. My grandad was always the soft one but my nanan said she isn't going to let her walk all over her this time. My uncle even had to pay for the flowers for the crematorium for her because she wouldn't pay for them! She's told my uncle that she will give him the money soon but I doubt she will. She got £2000 off my grandad for a new kitchen and he never got that back either. At least my nanans been careful though and has told her that she isn't getting anything of my grandads.

Thanks again for you all being here to support me through this rough time - you will never know how much it means to me. :hug:

Hi Ali

Im sooo sorry to hear about your gramps. Sometimes things seem like it is the end of the world, but it isnt it just feels that way.

I lost my gramps suddenly too, and even though it has been almost 20 years now I still miss him. It was real rough because my gramps died, then one year later my dad died. Life seemed empty for a while there.

The one good thing is I know they are not in any more pain, and that one day we will be reunited. I know they look in on us regularly, and that they are proud of us. You see, they arent really dead, they are more alive than ever. ;)

I sure hope you get to feelin better, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. :hug:

So very sorry for your loss, Ali.

Hey Ali :hug:

Sorry about your granddad. I've lost all my grandparents now. My dad's parents were more like my mom and dad than my grandparents. Grandpa has been gone 23 years and grandma for only 2 now. I miss them both terribly! You'll always miss him but with time, it will get easier. The 1st holidays are tough without them. I believe you have the right of it to put the tree up and go on with christmas. The best way to honor someone's memory is to celebrate their life and do the things they loved best.

You and the family could do something special to celebrate as well. Something like....getting some air dry clay and making a special ornament for him, set up a spot on the mantle or under the tree even....like a "altar"...only word I can think of to describe it. Put a couple of candles (if it's on the mantle,use electric candles or a small strand of xmas lights under the tree) a photo of him, a bit of holly or mistletoe, a favorite object he had. Anything really that's meaningful to all of you and him. Just a few ideas for you and the family and maybe that'll spark some idea in you as to what to do. :)

My grandpa loved christmas himself and I always think about him more at this time of year. I also try to honor his memory in some small way every year too. Oh....you could, maybe not now, but over time, write down your memories of him, things you did together. "Interview" your nanan about their life together, special times, hard times, the day they were married, etc. Write it all down then put together a scrapbook with the stories and pictures in it. Not only would it be a keepsake but something you could share with your own children one day.

I'll be thinking of you and your family and wishing you easier days ahead.

Hugs,

Karen

Ali,
I am so sorry to hear about your grandad. It is very hard to lose the ones you love. I can tell you one thing that I really beleive "even though the one you love is gone there are two things to remember: 1. They are never really gone 100% because you have the memories and the love in your heart and that is something no one can ever take away from you. 2. He knew you loved him and he is in a good place right now. God needed another good angel and he decided your grandad was the angel he needed so he took him. God only chooses the good people when he needs his angels and it sounds like your grandad was an awesome person and God seen that so he decided it was his time." It sounds like your grandad meant a lot to a lot of people and you all need to remember the good times and remember he is always there even if you can't see him. He can see every move you make and he will be one of your gaurdian angels forever because we all need a guardian angel sometime. JUST REMEMBER HE IS ALWAYS WITH YOU AND IS NEVER GOING AWAY! If you ever need to talk you can always talk to me. Take care and remember you have a lot of friends on this site that would do anything they can for you. Don't give up.

Sincerely,
Tracy(Screwballpookie)