Forgiveness..........
 

To forgive
Is not to forget.
To forgive
Is really to remember
That nobody is perfect
That each of us stumbles
When we want so much to stay upright
That each of us says things
We wish we had never said
That we can all forget that love
Is more important than being right.
To forgive
Is really to remember
That we are so much more
Than our mistakes
That we are often more kind and caring
That accepting another's flaws
Can help us accept our own.
To forgive
Is to remember
That the odds are pretty good that
We might soon need to be forgiven ourselves.
That life sometimes gives us more
Than we can handle gracefully.
To forgive
Is to remember
That we have room in our hearts to
Begin again
And again,
And again. ~~ Author Unknown

Alpho,

there were a few accidents today on my way home ...

in the 6 hours...there were many thoughts that came across my mime...(but he was really quiet for some reason...LOL)

amongst them was one about how we all really don't know how long we each have on this earth...(it got me to think about hip chick as well...about her limited time and yet how we all have limited time)

I am not sure if some of those victims survived the accidents or not. One of the accidents halted the traffic for almost 30 minutes...I drove by the scene and thought to myself, there was no way any of them could've survived that particular one...the car was totally destroyed...

life is unpredictable....we need to forgive whenever possible...

and you are so right, it is NOT to forget, it IS to remember...

and all those inbetweens as you've posted...

I am going to bed now and pray that I have in me to forgive all that I cannot and have not forgiven, and pray that I can be forgiven by all that have not forgiven me...

thank you, as I head to bed...

I'm glad you are home safe and sound! Forgiveness gets easier I think if we only practice it..this coming from a person who can really polish her wounds...I feel a bit like a hypocrite...but I do own it!

And you are a lovely man..proud to have you as my friend.

((Alffe)) I love this poem :hug:
I have this link saved to my computer... it is the same poem set to video with pictures and music http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/forgiveness.php

((Moi)) you are so strong and courageous and I just think you are wonderful:hug:

Oh I love that Nikki...thank you! You should post it in the Sanctuary. :hug: It's fun to sit here listening to Christmas music on the computer...now that Doody showed me how. *grin

Threads
 

Examine life's tapestry, Find yourself there. See how the threads of your life Are woven together With those of others. Threads of love and work And tears and laughter Stretch back across the years To ancestors unknown. Friends unmet. Threads newly woven. Tie your cares and hopes To familiar faces And those yet forming Whose threads must still be spun.

Joy and sorrow. Delight and sadness Are entwined in the fabric Of our lives If we could remove A thread of sorrow. Would we not risk unraveling Our joy also? Could we pull out a thread Of pain, without removing The love and compassion That are knotted to it? So.... Let the wheel spin, The shuttle fly: The cloth is whole And we are one. ---Author Unknown--

VERY BEAUTIFUL.....and so well said....

examine life's tapestry...find yourself there....

My mother and my father's marriages were arranged and they were miserable:

YET, IF that didn't happen, I wouldn't be here today...(although I don't want to be "HERE" sometimes...these days, I am often glad that I am here, the reasons to follow)

11 years ago, I owned a small business. It was one of those times that I was in transition. I didn't wanted to work for anyone, and I didn't wanted to grow up. I put the two and two together and I opened up a video games store.

It was not overly successful and I did OK...I can remember during that time that I knew that I wasn't going to run the store forever, I was searching and looking for myself and wondering about my life and what I would do...

I had a customer that would come in, he was a very nice dude but always was quiet. He worked at a local restaurant that I'd go sometimes and we'd chat whenever he was my server.

one day, he told me he was getting his webTV to get on the internet. He'd like to learn HTML and do something with computers.

He asked me if I could drive him to the Best Buy (we didn't have a Best Buy back then at the town I lived in so it was about an hour away)

I took him and ended up picking up an iMAC for myself.

I got on line that night and voila, I was on the net. The rest was history....

if it weren't for that woven part, I would've never have met so many awesome folks both on line and in person. I would've never had met Moss, the love of my life (although I never had the intention of meeting someone on the internet!!)

and if it weren't for that matter, I am not sure if I'd still be alive today.

9 years ago, I went bowling with my league. It was our 10th game, it was important. I went and I was at my rarest form. I was cracking people up left and right and I was laughing and joking and I was singing and dancing...

like a fool...

many a times that night, folks would come up to me and say to me: "Hey, I had such a great time tonight, thank you"

I'd smiled big right back at them...

I wanted them all to remember me that way....

that was the night that I was going to end it all...

I went home...and I was ready to go...

somehow, I must have left some signals privately to some very close friends:

moss, Lara, and dear Tam.

The three of them living in three different States(Lara, being from Australia, at a total different continent, actually) got on ICQ and discussed that there might have been a possibility that it was that night.

No, I didn't threaten them with anything, but I am sure there were enough signals...

so when I got home, 2 cops were at my door...

they were concerned...someone had called them to "alert" them...

I was very angry, I denied it all...

I didn't know who told them....

long story short...I found out later...but by then, I was nothing but grateful....

that tiny tapestry saved my life...that was before I had found the SOS forum..

few months later, I was at the SOS forum...

the reason why I arrived there?

The chatrooms crashed for over a week...I had nothing better to do so I started reading the forums...

and there it was..."Survivors of Suicide"

out of curiousity, I started to lurk...I learned about Pter, Alpho, mistiis(who had another name back then) reyn, scrabbly,wren, Lara, and later on Addy, doody, ducky and moss, goofy, and curious...

I read and I was very afraid to post....but I did, finally...

the first one to welcome me was Alpho...(the Alpho became our long running joke about Alpo, the dog food due to Alpho's typos. LOLOL)

and til these days, seeing these names here (and one of them besides me every night. LOL) warms my heart.

Then, the host of that SOS forum crashed, moved twice, got heavily moderated, some were banned, moved on, moved out...

then, Doc opened this one for us and then all these awesome new folks came about...

if any of those times would've gone "ka-put" it would've been ka-put

if between the last SOS forum and this SOS forum, Doc John had decided that he wasn't going to give us a home, I wouldn't be here...

I wouldn't have been to the GTG in Ga a couple of days ago.

Nobody would've come to our weeding...

Tapestries woven....

each thread came just at the right time...even when the moments seemed bleak and desparate...

some how, the threads came through and was woven tight...

to finally, a warm blanket envelops over all of us...keeping our hearts warm beneath the gentle hands that weaved it...

'could be triggering...tread carefully'
 

...I'm not sure why I am putting this here. Maybe, thinking fewer people will read it. And, yet, I feel the need to write it. Whether or not I post it remains to be seen. Perhaps, too, because healing from it taught me a great deal about forgiveness, and how beauty can be born from tragedy, and terror. Although, for me, it has taken many many years, and is till on going. I hope and pray that this will not affect too many badly.

The boogey man in the closet that I posted about in another thread on 'the elephant' .....is quite real, and I know it is for others as well. That's why I hesitate to write about it. It is fear about what power he may still have over others, and how this post could touch on it. So, this post will be in the hands of the mods., and I will fully understand if it gets deleted.

Childhood trauma ~sigh

When I was five years old I was gang-raped by a group of rogue teenage boys in the neighborhood where we lived (very poor, and a bad section of the city) I had a disassociative reaction to it. I remember very well walking down the sidewalk and looking over at them. Then all I remember is sheer terror, and everything goes black....no memory of the actual event. My memory picks up at the hospital where I was treated. I have a very vague memory of the ambulance. I still have some fear of doctors, and don't like to be touched by them. But, all things considered, I think I do well. And I am getting better.

I remember my mother taking me to a child pdoc...I remember waiting to see her, but I don't remember much about talking to her. We never went back. I am one of six children, and my mother had her hands more than full. I don't think it matters, at this point, to delve into my family dynamics. It was just very hard for all around. And, now, in the later years of my life, I know that my parents did the best that they could, or knew how to do.

Life goes on...and mine did. I never understood why I didn't 'fit' in, or why I was always so afraid. I didn't understand the constant nightmares. There was so very much that I just didn't, nor could have been expected to understand. You just keep living, day in and day out. I was such a sensitive person. It was very hard to be around people. School was a nightmare. Children can be cruel. Teachers can be even worse. Fitting in just wasn't going to happen. And it wasn't because I didn't want it to. It just wasn't happening. There was no one to talk to. I was shy, quiet, and withdrawn. As I look back, I feel I must have been depressed early on. It would make total sense.

My mother was a very brittle diabetic, my father an alcoholic. I almost hate to paint this kind of picture, because I love my family very much. And we have grown up a lot together. Maybe this will give somebody else hope that healing can, and does happen.

Trying to explain why I felt I had no one to talk to, or to turn to. Everyone around me was trying so hard to survive. Being the oldest girl, I had a lot of responsibility placed on me. Unfortunately, I could never quite live up. I was never good enough. I could never clean well enough, etc etc etc. Everytime my mother would be hurt by my dad, I would try my best to reach out and comfort her only to be rejected time and again.

Its no wonder that by the time I was 12, (and this is just a glimpse) I didn't feel that life was worth living, and felt that I had no one to turn to. This is not where I had intended this to go. Except that forgiveness has allowed me to grow, to become closer to my family, despite all of it. They grew and changed as well. And there are beautiful moments with the bad.

Back to the beginning...it was only within the past year that, with the help of a good and wise friend at Church, I experienced what real forgiveness is, and what it can do. I feel like I have been on a slow healing journey from this 'rape' for all of my life. Small snatches of experiences throughout the years have allowed me to pick it up, examine it, see how it has affected me and my life, and learn how to deal with it. It has been such a slow process. And, at first, I became very angry with this group of guys for ruining me, and my life. But, of course, they did not, nor could they, ruin all of it. My mother finally revealed to me, at some point, that she had tried to bring them to justice. But one of them was the son of the chief of police, and they got off scott free. She also told me that we had had to move because of it. I didn't remember that. But, then, she would not have told me.

I was reading some scriptures with this friend when I realized that those guys really didn't get away with anything at all. I realized that they could even be suffering from that memory right now, wherever they may be. And, I thought about what the scriptures say, and all of a sudden I was filled with compassion for them. I didn't want them to suffer, or to be suffering now, or down the road, or after this life is over, because I couldn't forgive. It just made sense to me. I didn't want them to suffer. It was really that simple. And then, healing from this really began. And I began to see more and more how to deal with how it has affected my life. There will always be a wound, or scar, but it won't infect me anymore. I hope that makes sense.

Ok...we will see if it will submit........I feel brave.....think I will lurk for awhile too......:o :hug:

dearest mistiis,

I have tears all over me...and I am shivering like crazy here...

I don't have the right words right now...

you are awesome....

and your last paragraph touched me so much...

I just wanted to send you some ((((BIG BIG HUGS))))

((Mistiis)) I sit here in awe of your strength and courage. I could guess from the bits and pieces you have told us... I can only imagine how hard this was to share. :hug:My heart breaks for the little girl in you, and I just want to wrap you in healing protectiveness. :hug:

I am not as strong as you. Though I truly do care so much for all of you, I could never share my past. I don't think it makes me particularly weak, I think it is more that I have already been through the healing process you are in now and I just can't go back. It is so painful, but you truly DO come out "whole" on the other side. The love is stronger and "purer" It is difficult to put into words.

My reason for sharing that is though I can't talk about things that happened, I do want to share something about dissociative reaction or black outs as I experienced. I am not overly religious in that I don't practice the "politics" of organized religions, but I do have strong faith and belief.

I have rarely shared this with anyone, and hope I don't make you all think I am a nut.... but you know how you said you have no memory of the actual event? Well, I have a belief that explains why. I believe that not only does God bless us with black outs when things are so traumatically dreadful... I also believe we are "taken" somewhere to help us while it is happening.

I never thought anyone else quite understood what I was feeling... In 2000, a year after my diagnoses, when I was going through my darkest time with wishing I could end my pain, this song came out. It was written by Harley Allen and sung by John Michael Montgomery .......... I think I should stop talking now, and just let those who wish to, listen to the song.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijs2iignd5Y

http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z...0beautiful.jpg

She said I know that man up there on that cross
I don't know His name
But I know He got off
Cause He was there in my old house
and held me close to His side.............

Thank you (((MOI))) and (((NIKKI))) .....I can't tell you how much your love, and care mean to me. This is just not something one can talk very easily about. Its something I have had to get through on my own, except for my friend at church. 7 years of counseling and therapy to recover from that thyroid disaster, but no one to help me with this. Well, I shouldn't say no one because, yes, He is there, always has been, and always will be. We have a very intimate relationship. Ever since I was little. I think you are right Nikki. He has always been by my side. I had no one else. Now, I have friends like you and my sweet Moi, and so many others here. And I know they will understand. I hope so anyway. This is not a pretty thing to think about or look at. If I had someone else to go to I wouldn't bring it here. But then I think about all those other people out there who don't have anyone either. And I want them to know that we are here for them. And that they are loved......:grouphug:

(((MOI))) your sig made me laugh right out loud this am.....I just love you to pieces......:hug:

(((((mistiis))))

You are amazing ... a survivor and an inspiration ... and such a warm, caring person.

:Heart:

p.s. you brought me back from 'just reading' for over a month and I finally signed in today. :)

Well look who's back! *grin

(((Scrabble))) it truly is good to see you here. I am only as strong, and as inspired as my friends....we struggle together, and hold each other up :grouphug:

((Mistiis)) I have been thinking of you today :hug: If you ever want to talk more, I am a good listener:hug:

Thank you, THANK YOU... everyone one of you who is participating in this thread... gosh, this is all so enlightening to me and I'm now going to chirp in with my scattered thoughts .... which are whirling all over the place right now....

Please, first, though, I want to tell you all that I have heard good news about LARA so check out the "Hey Lara" thread to know she's ok :yahoo:


I think everyone of us here has the capability or the courage or the common sense or the insight or whatever you want to call it....

to take what we read here.... and grow so much more!!!!

I grow with ALL , in realizing what an amazing lifeline our friendships have meant to us all... quite literally.... new or old friends.... we are always supportive .... for whatever it takes.... we have it in us!

I'm literally spinning around with happiness about you all! :sing:

mistiis,

you get triple word/triple letter plus "scrabble" bonus for bringing scrabbly out...

the word of day for all you folks is:

"AWESOME"

and that is worth a gazillion points...

was inspired to do some digging of my own today - this thread is amazing and inspiring in all ways possible: overcoming obstacles, friends coming together, staying positive, ....

*bump*

this thread originated in 2008, so many of our lives have changed completely. Hugs for the room :grouphug:

Thank you Alffe, :hug:

More hugz
 

Hugz Hugz Hugz :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Oh how true thank you
 

To live and understand the depth of this
Never in my thaught where could I pull that loose thread
I couldn't find a area in my life I would change for it is in my
ENDEAVORS I have become who I am
And I pray the Father is pleased
I like who I have become
And what is in front of me yet to encounter
In Jesus I trust
Hope
Love
Me

Thank you for being brave
 

But most of all for sharing a snippet of Your life
with the world
Brave you are
A place of true healing
Is in truly forgiving
Love
Me

This mother has reached a pivotal point
 

Stopping the hurt
I might as well have done away with myself
I am numb after what transpired yesterday
I will never forget it
My eldest struck me with the ham bone I was sending home with her for my dog
My daughter became vicious and never have I seen her so out of control
I have been a great mother to my children
After yesterday and what was said to me over monies that my children owe me over the years of helping them
And I mean in their adult life
I have tried and tried and asked for forgiveness of any pain I may have caused them in my drinking days
And let me just say
I was lucky that my children did not get killed by things that happens when one drinks
I have said all I could and showed them and taught them
Never did I see the ugliness money has caused this family to show their true colors
They are adults now
I will not reach out anymore it hurts too much to be around them
I ask my daughter when would it be that she was going to have this talk she promised me referencing to the obligation on paying me back the monies she owed
Well that was the end of whatever mother daughter relationship I have had with her
Her siblings did not like who she became and are estranged from each other
This family sicker than sick
However the fact of the matter is between both of them and what they owe me is enough to pay my car off twice
Why do I have to beg walk on eggs shells when brining up the subject
What my eldest did yesterday I will never forget as long as I live
Several years back
When Sara still lived with us
one year a gift given to her by me as appreciation for all she has gone thru and her help throughout her time as a member of the family
She made the same move her father pulled back way back to 1984
A beautiful solid gold necklace I had purchased him
A piece he threw back at me in a physical confrontation
Never did I give it back to him
It is one of the few pieces I still have and have worn it as a reminder never to make the same mistake again
It being a solid piece as is the necklace bracelet and ankle bracelet took it off yesterday handed it to me and said
"This should pay back what I owe"
I said really
You would give up what I have you as a gift with the meaning behind it killed me
I seen her father all over again
Then proceeded to say that should cover it
Never will I be paid back the money I gave my children
As they asked I gave with a clear understanding
Apparently that isn't the case
I had a very difficult time to see the kind of ugliness come out of her
It felt unnatural
Yet it REALLY WAS REAL
SURREAL
THIS IS NOT MY CHILD
YES SHE IS
WHAT HAPPENED TO HER
I ASKED IF THERE WAS ANYTHING
I owed her in ANYWAY
The answer was no
What is even sadder in the bigger picture
Cory was having her braces put on for the very first time
Arrangements were made
Big sister would be there to meet her
Well
Corissa went through it herself
Did not want to tell me her sister was not there while having then put on
This made me a little nuts
If I would have known
I would have stuck it out and would have sat through it
It turns out that technology moved up
They weren't anything like when my adult children got their braces
Another reason big sister was going in my place
Big sister is thirty five

I cannot allow myself to accept the behavior set before me and stand for it

Never have I abandon them
Never did I not help them when asked and if I could
Never did I say NO to my children
Never did I lie to my children
Never did I not encourage my children
Never did I allow another person to come into my life without the thought not the father of my children
Just did not feel right nor did I practice it
My choice
I then sobered up when they were still young
In grammar school
Damage done that only an alcoholic understands
It still is something my kids then looked forward to
Me getting tipsy
How they got over on mom
Yeah they told me the things they did
Yet even in drinking days I knew what it did
Way tooooooo much for me to now in hindsight could handle alone
And with and by the GRACE OF GOD I made it this far
And they still come looking for stuff when situations with us are not good
I have come to the truth of the fact I will never have what is owed me be understood
I have to let go of the idea i will ever receiving a penny from them and move on
I am so hurt emotionally having had a family that is divided
All over money
The root of ALL EVIL
the car is something I need
Corissa will continue her education and will need a car
I also want to change my will
My lawyer passed on
A will made before his death has Sara as power of attorney
Because my children allowed my life insurance policies to lapse
Does not leave much
However I want to leave everything of my life acquirements to go to my youngest Corissa
Any and everything
This decision was not hastily made
Just the hard true fact
I do not want a funeral
When I die
I am to be burned
Who gives a s**t if I rot
I don't
I cannot erase what went down yesterday
All because I asked when will she begin restitution
She asked me during the holidays to wait and after the holidays pass I would hear from her
And because I heard from the person I owe four thousand to
as she loaned me the balance needed to purchase it
It was paid off
But I still have this one obligation I am responsible for

When she through the gift back
I put it on Corissa and told her
Not a hand me down
If she wanted it it is hers
She understands the value of what she is wearing
But most importantly she understands why I won't sell it
I will pay off my obligation the best I can
And pray this horrible horrible situation be the end of it
I will not let my children hit or mentally tortured me anymore
This to shall pass
Never to be forgotten
I cannot force them to do what is right
What is wrong WITH ME
I KEEP LETTING THESE HURTFUL THINGS be spoken about
Nobody wants to step up to the plate
The baby and Corissa all seen what transpired upon asking her to please leave
I was not feeling well
My meds were due and was not physically up to any of what was happening
I still feel weighted in the center of my chest
Gone
out of my life is where my adult children are
No more let's call mom and torture her even more
I have officially put an end to it
So much for family I worked so hard at
Time to let go
My dog I will never see again
My son I do not want to see anymore
He has crossed to many lines
I have no one to blame letting this go
is the hardest thing I will have done
I will now call my friend and explain what it is
I am capable of doing
So hurt
So so so sad
It is just like a family of suicide
I am so tired
Now to fight the fight
Can't give up
Corissa needs me
Eva needs me
Her mother does not even want to call her at seven every night
Am I doing something wrong here too
Just what I was told
It's never enough what I do
And do on so many levels
Sad
Me

((( eva :hug:b )))

Eva I am so sorry that you are in such pain. Please know that you are much loved on this site and I pray that you will start being kinder to yourself. :grouphug:

I will try my hardest
I so cannot believe what is happening
Truly
No clue
And will not be searching
Thanks for keeping me afloat and holding on to me
So I cannot drift out to the abyss
Keep me strong
I love them so much
It just isn't so
But it is
Love

Dear eva,

This is just beyond words. Simply place all your love and effort into yourself and the two youngsters. They are the future and could give reasons daily to elevate your Mood.

Be kind to yourself, apportion blame where it belongs - not upon yourself.

Dave.

Thank you
It's so difficult
But I will
It is hard to let the lives you held
when babies
What happened
It hurts so badly
I have but no other choice
Me

You were able to get sober while your children were still young. I understand that you may still feel some guilt, and that they still may harbor some anger, but you should be very proud of yourself, forgive yourself, and not allow them to use that guilt against you. You are a good mother (and grandmother) and you deserve respect. :hug::hug::hug:

A loving mother will give of herself the best she can, but it seems like you have given to the point where you've let your children bleed you dry with no intention of repaying their debts. I'm so sorry for the stress money problems have had on you and your family. I hope that your daughter wakes up and realizes that her mother is a never-ending source of love, not money, starts repaying her debt, and gives you the apology you deserve.

At some point, you are going to have to accept the fact that your children are just never going to repay their debts. Once you've come to terms with that, you can begin dealing with the other issues that might be causing rifts in those relationships if you choose to.

Until then, as Dave said, take care of yourself and the little ones. Don't allow the others to manipulate and wound you.

I know that you are vulnerable right now, and in a lot of pain, but I also know that you are strong. Please hang in there and know that we're here to listen.

:hug::hug::hug:

Kay

Dearest Kay
It is at that point I have reached
I have called the person I owe the balance of the car
No other obligations on my shoulders
Resentment yes many
And after all trials one must as I have and you very
eloquently put it
They are not going to pay me back
This from my two eldest who both took me on a hell of a run
So yes I am at that point
Again uncharted feelings
Though
Once I make a decision
I follow through
I come for what I receive
Feedback
I take what I need
and put the rest to rest
Thank you for the wise words
Mean more then you will ever know
It's priceless
I look for honesty
This I know you put forth
Thank you very much for that
Love
Me

When one really forgives
 

It almost should be unspoken
Not a word uttered
Because one knows how badly the other
Hurts
I am so tired of crying
It too wipes me out and I don't even get a start in my day
For it has been like this for a long time
Three maybe four years now
It doesn't change much
When dealing with an addict
Such as myself
My children soon followed
I alcohol
My children alcohol and drugs
Nothing small time
Always on a grand scale
To the point of overdosing and getting the phone call
It has been like this since Christine reached seventh grade
Hell opened up
The years that followed Corissa being born with a kidney problem
This we found out when she was sick with fever at three and a half months
She almost died
Standing in the shower with her feeding her as the water rushed down our bodies to help bring the fever down
Rampid with a kidney infection
Two surgeries later and saving half of her kidney
Corissa is soon to be eighteen
Where did all those stressful days go
Over a month and a half in the hospital transferred once to the hospital where the disease specialist doctor Michael Lamacia
Will never forget him
I just might send him a card to the MAN
Christine still on a downward spiral
as all this is going on
I am in the school on top of it all
Yet she fought me all the way
With baby in tow
Christine stole the show
Then on a new road with a child at twenty two has her first seizure the years past
The hospital stays I was there always at their side
Never left them alone
Ever
I lost my job when Corissa became ill
That was the deli and house era mid nineties
Nineteen days in the hospital when she had brain surgery
By the way what the "F" was wrong with my ex-husband
He named her
Broken am I just thinking about it
Sorry I didn't cut it
For I understand no family is clear of skeletons
But
Please
Do not forget my children
It was my job
And I did it without thought
I just did
I was blessed to have become a mother
And try to do what I knew to do
I have done a heck of a job
This only they and I know
They need to step up with apologies
Not second hand apologies
They need to learn how to do the "forgiving"
The kind that does not come back and it resurface and bite you in the butt
No
And please this mommy knows every facial expression on their faces when having done a forth step over and over again
Because they did not like hearing the truth
My children have had learned behavior inflicted upon them
What the hell did I know in my late twenties and early thirties
I knew plenty
I had raised my baby sister
I was nine when she was born
It became my job
I already cooking dinner for the entire family upon coming home from school and expected to keep up with school and the English language
A little pat on my shoulder
A letter to the deputy director of the human resources for families
I have written of him briefly in my years on neuro talk
Nevertheless I asked my shrink if I could get his feedback of it
He was surprised to how well constructed
I told him it took me five days to get it just right
I was only a quater of the way in when reading it to him
Now I'm tickled he was
I don't know if surprised is the word I want to describe my initial feeling
I was hoping he would see the message I was sending
And I did not want to loose him as a reader to a very disturbing complaint towards a social worker
Hoping it gets in his work file
Picking and choosing a fight
Why does it boil down to putting one in ones place
I don't get it
It sad
It's very sad
And my personality wants to make things right
I MUST be very careful what I pick
You can't pick family
So I work with what we have

I cannot tell you if I have the heart to let what happened when Sara returned the gift I had given to her
And please this has zero to do with money
But more the reasons when I gave it
Was a terrible hurt
Never did I ever
Ever think she could do what she did
Knowing the story behind the necklace I wear around my neck
since April 1985
I still wear it as a reminder
I made it without havi g to sell "it"
As it represented much
I am floored Sara did the same
And she knows what she did
And what it would do to me
I worked hard to give my children the little I could
How do I get the place to "forgive" such hate anger so
help me
How do I tell myself
This should not be happening to you Eva
I is especially surreal
I am clueless what happened
How do you forgive
Clueless
My shrink won't accept that

I still very sorry to have a family that has scattered as they have

Nothing but pain

This heart feels the pain
It is broken into such minute pieces
Picking up the pieces impossible
Oh how unappreciated I feel
How used
Betrayed
Lied to
Stolen from
Comes from a terrible place
I cannot explain how disappointed in them
How do I forgive
As I am the one who gets dumped on
Love
Me

Dear Eva,

I had a lot of responsibility put upon me when I was young, too. I started the cooking and cleaning very young. I cared for my family members in life, and in death. We learn these roles, in our cases, the care-takers, very early.

I'm also the child of two alcoholics, and I'm an alcoholic myself (over 6mo sober now). I have learned behaviors, but that doesn't absolve me of responsibility for my own actions. I will not lay the blame for all the mistakes I've made in my life at my parents' doorstep. My sister, a year older than me, grew up in the same home and she is a very sober person. I suppose some people are more predisposed to addiction than others.
Some parents are unable to accept any kind of responsibility for how their addictions may have been a factor leading to their children's addictions. You, on the other hand, seem to be continuously torturing yourself :hug::hug::hug:

I wish that all your children could see all the good that you have done for them, all that you have given up, and how much you love them. I wish you could feel the love and appreciation that you deserve wrapping around you like a warm, soft blanket. Please try to focus more on the little ones right now- the ones who show you that love and appreciation.

It's so hard to look backwards at the big picture :hug::hug::hug:
We can make things harder on ourselves by doing it too often :hug::hug::hug:

When I read your posts, I realize how hard your life has been, and I can feel how much pain you are in. I hate the though that you may be suffering like this everyday...
Please try your best to address the issues of the past in therapy and use the forum here to talk about the past and lean on us for support…
But please try to live more in the present, Eva. The past is tearing you apart right now :hug::hug::hug:

Kay

Having the courage to let go and move on
As change continues to happen
And the world goes round and round
To pick myself up brush up a bit and continue to just do
Things have changed in very big ways
I will remain as sturdy as I can
I have no wish to be in habitual pain of any kind
I can go through life bitter at it all but I won't
It will not get the better of me
The night coming to an end
As this flare up and bad weather has kept me in bed for most my time up
Forcing myself the routine I go through every morning after I psych meditation take the meds that start a new day
Looking forward to better weather
Found a walking partner
Will give it my best every morning
Then as the weather warms I can take it into water
I tend to feel better when march hits
Yeah seasonal depression another one
I want do much to grab this mental burden and just bury it
This to o will take time
And pray it too shall pass
I will have walked away from my family for the first time
So there again
Never say never
To a better way of handeling this burden
Much of it did not have to happen
Or did it
I shall do my very best
Me