sickness....despair.....apologies
 

Since August, if I logged in, that was as far as I got - logging in. I then immediately fell asleep. I would wake up hours later with my fingers poised on the keyboard. I am not even sure if I tried to do that much after September or October.

To those who have attempted (sometimes repeatedly) to reach me by phone, email, card, pm or carrier pigeon, your concerns astound and overwhelm me. I am not worthy of such kindness especially when none of the correspondence was returned.

I was not able to return your generosity. In the beginning, it was simply a matter of time. There just were not enough hours in the day. Now, I am either too numb, too depressed, too apathetic towards life or a combination of all three.

My father got sick in August and after much suffering, passed away on Thanksgiving Day. It’s a long, long story but I was there every single minute that I could be while still trying to maintain my full time job. Thank God for understanding bosses and clients. I used nearly seven weeks of vacation and over 90 hours of sick time to be there for him and we lost. It was all for nothing. I gave up everything and nearly forsook my husband and everyone else and it was for nothing. In the end, he took his last breath with me holding his hand and my head lying on his shoulder.

I am beyond devastated. I cannot quit crying. I know everyone says it takes time.....

Anyway, I am attempting my way back and I wanted to start by apologizing to those who must be wondering what they did to me for me to ignore them so. I am sorry. Someday, I hope I can try to make it up to you.

I truly am so, so sorry..... and this is all I can manage for now.

Awwwww, you poor thing. :hug: I'm so sorry about you losing your dear father. What a lucky man he was to have such a devoted daughter as you, Carolina. :hug:

I hope you will continue to post. As you surely know, there are so many caring and compassionate people here.

God bless you for being there for your dear Dad. What a special man he must have been. I hope you will tell us about him sometime. :hug::hug::hug:

Carolina,

One thing I have learned around here is you never have to apologize. We all have been through rough times and although they may not be exactly like yours, the folks here are very caring. Keep us updated and remember we are here for you. Take care of yourself. :hug:

For nothing? No! One of the greatest gifts God gave me was the time I spent caring for my Dad over his last weeks of life. My prayer that I could be with Dad as he passed was answered, and he took his last breath in my arms. I will never, ever regret those hours. It was a privilege for me, and a gift of respect to him.

Of course you are physically and emotionally drained. Give yourself some time to refill your body and soul. It won't happen overnight, but one morning you will wake up and feel "not quite as bad as yesterday", and you will know the healing process has begun.

You are in my prayers.

Carolina, I was saddened to read about your father's passing, and I am so darn sorry! I wish there was something more I could say, but please know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as always. :hug:

If there's anything I can do, any words that you need to hear... you know that you can count on me!

If you feel you owe anyone an aoplogy please try not to worry about it. I'm sure those people will understand in the circumstances.....what are friends for, if not to forgive?

Sending you love and my heartfelt condolences.....

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this right now :hug:. I really hope things get better for you soon and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I lost my grandad on the 22nd November and it is so hard for all of us. He passed away from Pneumonicosis (sp?) and some type of Pneumonia. It was so hard as one minute he was fine and the next, he was gone. If you ever want someone to talk to, I am here for you - please feel free to drop me a PM as I do understand some of what you are going through :hug:.

Take care and know that you are in my thoughts.

:hug: Carolina :hug: It's soooo good to see a post from you but I'm so sorry for all that you've been going through.

I'm so sorry about your Dad.....it's so hard to lose a parent. Like you, I spent every day with my Dad before he passed away and was with him the moment he left us. It was the hardest thing I ever did but I'll never regret it and I hope you won't either. Your Dad wasn't alone when he left this world...you were with him....and that alone is worth everything you sacrificed in order to be there for him. Believe me, I can so relate to all this...if you ever need to just talk PM me and I'll send you my phone number.

You owe no apoloogies, either. I'm just glad you posted and let us know what's been going on in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray that things will get a little easier for you each day. :hug:

I so agree with B2U, not for nothing! I had three weeks with my Dearest Grandmother. I, as you, spent every minute possible with her but I only had three weeks. I was there holding her hand and hugging her with the other when she passed. I will never forget those last few weeks, days, minutes I had with her. I also feel it was a privilege to be with her when she passed. Those are feelings / memories I will never forget.

I know you are hurting, it has been 12 years for my DGM passed and I still miss her dearly every single day. It has only been a couple of weeks for you, let time heal your heart and soul.

:hug:

sorry to hear about your Father :hug: remember he is always near you, in your heart, always

hope you get to feeling better soon

ahhhh, :hug: Carolina...

I missed you.

the pain will become less in time, I promise.

:grouphug:

we're here for you.

I'm so sorry to hear about you dad. :hug: :hug: I lost my mom around thanksgiving in '98, and the holidays are still bittersweet to me. I cried for a long time after she passed, tears are normal and a gift right now. Give yourself permission to cry right now. :hug:

And I agree with the others. It was not for nothing. You were there for him when he needed someone the most. You are a very caring individual. :hug:

Another here who spent the last moment with my Dad as he passed.

Truly, Carolina, it was NOT for nothing. He knew you were there and he knows how you feel now and I am willing to bet he wouldn't want you beating yourself up over this.

I hope you feel better soon. You are in our prayers.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

carolina,

i'm very sorry for the loss of your dear father.
you have nothing to be sorry about, at all.

i understand the need to put aside all to be with an ailing parent. to ease their way and for them to know that you love them. you were there for your dad in every way. i know he knew how much love you had for him.

and your being with him at his passing was in no way nothing.
your dad and God can attest to that.

blessings to you and your family at this time.
you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your Dear Father.:(

I'm so glad you are back with us and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Welcome Home..:hug:

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. :hug:

You are in my Thoughts and Prayers

So sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. You have nothing to be sorry not being on here. Take care of yourself now. We will be still here. Lots of good thoughts and hugs for you and yours. :hug:

Thanks so much to all who responded with words of wisdom and hope. They are appreciated so much more than you will ever know.

I don't regret for one moment the time that I spent with my father. When I was working, I thought of him all day and rushed to see him in the evening (the State Trooper can verify that - 84 in a 65!). It's just that, in retrospect, I realized that I pushed him too hard. He wanted to give up long before I would let him. The last six weeks of his life were because of me and I regret that. He suffered so very much and if I hadn't been so selfish, I would have seen that long before I did.

He would have been out of misery and been at peace with the Lord long before he was. Every single night, I just cry and keep saying, "I am so sorry, Daddy. I am so, so sorry."

I loved him so much, it hurt. I can honestly say that I have no bad memories of my father. People would say to me that in time I would remember only the good times but with my father, that's all there ever were. Good and loving times.

Now, my mom......:rolleyes:

Anyway, thanks to everyone. If you have any prayers left over, could you say one for me that I make it back just a little? If for no other reason, my husband could sure use a break.

I love you all. God Bless. :grouphug:

Carolina, please don't kick yourself for pushing your dear father too hard. If you hadn't kept loving and encouraging him, it's possible he may have gone sooner, but then you might feel you didn't push hard enough.

There's no way you need to take responsibility for when your father left this earth. He was in God's hands all along.

I pray you sleep well tonight and feel better tomorrow. Get some rest. :hug:

It's a hard position to be in.....you want them to be at peace and out of pain yet you don't want to see them go....I know exactly what you mean. Carolina, I think your Dad knew just how much you loved him and wouldn't want you kicking yourself for anything that you did or didn't do. In times like that we do the best we can. After he passed, I disected everything I had done for my Dad and finally came to the conclusion that I was wasting my energy and my Dad would have had a few choice words for me for second guessing myself...:rolleyes: Like Twink said, it was in God's hands all along. :)

Give yourself some time......you've been through quite a bit and it's physically and mentally exhausting. You've got a bunch of friends here who care very much about you. Please take care of yourself. :hug:

Thinking of you Carolina. :hug::hug:

You know, it's funny but I have had the same regrets over my mom's passing. I prayed and begged her to hang in there until I could get out there to see her one more time and then she ended up lingering for another horrible 2 months. I felt guilty for a long time and really wished she just died right at the beginning when they brought her back.

In your case and mine, Twinkletoes is right. God was in charge of that, not us. He picks the time of our passing and I don't think anyone else can really influence that.

I think your dad probably treasured having you around at the end. I know he wouldn't want you beating yourself up over it. I think he would just say thank you for all you did for him and for being there and being a wonderful daughter.

Sorry to hear about your father and all you've gone through. Take time to heal and we'll be here when your ready. Your not alone as many here have been through the same as you can see. It wasn't for nothing, he is still with you even as you heal from the loss.

I'm just a newbie around these parts, so I don't believe we've met before, but it sounds like you're a great soul. I'm glad to meet you and see you on NT :hug:

Well, it's been a week since I have posted or been on here and nothing at all has changed. I know it is soon. I know that it takes time. But, I was hoping for a little relief. My husband thinks that I am worse. I fear he is right.

I am already on ADs and anti-anxiety but I will see what other tricks the doc has up his sleeve. If he is tapped out, I will at least get a flu shot so the visit won't be a total waste.

If you all don't mind, I think I will just do a little more leaning and crying and whatever on shoulders here. I was trying not to but I really don't know what else to do and I am so desperate, I am scared.

Let's see, two more things, thanks to all who have sent cards of all kinds. They are truly appreciated. However, please do not be offended if I do not reciprocate with a Christmas card this year. I just can't. My papa only passed away on Thanksgiving and I just think it would be too disrespectful to be spreading Christmas cheer.

And two, thank you all again. I have taken bits of wisdom from all of you and it has helped me get through the day. I love you all to pieces. :grouphug:

:hug: Carolina :hug: You just lean and cry on our shoulders and do whatever you feel is necessary. That's what friends are for.....and we're right here when you need us. I'm glad you're seeing your doctor and keeping in touch with him/her. A tweak in your AD may be needed right now. But....don't expect too much from yourself. Everyone grieves differently. For some it's a much longer process...for others it may seem easier for them to move on. No one way is the "correct" way....and everyone has their own personal meter for this.

Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you're doing. Take care of yourself, okay? :hug:

Carolina, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about your dad, and I understand just how much you are missing him.

I hope you and your doctor can work something out so that you can get a little relief from the pain.

I'm glad you're back. Lean on us and cry any old time you need. :circlelove:

It's lovely to have you back on line, and please know that I've been thinking of you.

Your pain will take some time to heal, but as the others before me have already said ..... we're here for you as long as you need us. :hug:

thank you for posting and letting us know how you are.
my brother and i had regrets at my parents' passing.
i think that is a normal thing to think about.

have you considered talking to a counselor?
it might help to talk to a professional who can help you process all that has happened. maybe even a grief counselor?

i'm sending prayers that you will feel better in time.

Don't worry about not sending cards. You take care of yourself!

Check in again and tell us how things are going for you. Hoping some Christmas cheer rubs off on you and helps you feel better. :hug:

Thinking of you, Carolina, and hoping that you're doing OK. We're here for you whenever you need us.....take care of yourself. :hug: