Pity Party
 

My mom passed 4 years ago today. I am very sad and angry at life at the moment. I don't have any children and my family has deserted me. I only talk with my half sister 3,000 miles away whom I've never met.

It is hard to be all alone at times. I hear people talk about their kids and husbands and it makes me envious. I have no family that comes to see me or call me. My half sister calls but she is so tied up with her family there is even a void there.

The whole society as a whole seems to be of one made up of people only out for themseleves. People seem to always have a hidden agenda. This is why people in love are good for eaqch other. People in love look after the other and nurture them. I haven't had this in my life for several years.

I've had a Mental Health Center turn their backs on me when I needed them the most. I tried my best to get away from the abuse of my ex with the help of the Mental Health Clinic only they would not help me. I got free on my very own and ditched the Mental Health Center. I had the Dept. of Rehab. jerk me around and stand up for Goodwill when Goodwill made my life a living hell. I had Post Trumatic Stress Syndrome from the abuse I suffered which created problems for me in itself. When someone puts themselves out there like I did when I was vulunable people take advantage of that and will walk over that person. It is only human nature as humans to be aggressive with those people who are vulunable. People will take kindness as weakness and pounce. That is it in a nut shell.

Writing this is making me feel better. The pity party is over and I am going to toughen up on society. I will find my way some day. I've still got that hope to cope it seems.

barbara

Dear Barbara, :hug: :hug: :hug:

'Sending hugs and hoping that you find "your way" as you say.
M.

Thank you for the hugs Mari. I haven't found my way yet. I have really been having a difficult time with things since Wednesday. I've seemed to lost the fight in me to face the world. I just want to retreat into a ball and stay there. I'm hoping that this will not last too long. I need to figure out what will make me happy and work on that.

barbara

Barb

You are a strong person. Find something you enjoy to do. And go out and do it.

Also you can create your own family. Not sure about were you are at
but sometimes here in our area they are looking for someone to come
in and either rock infants. That have been rejected , or help with young
children, who's parents have to work. Even though the parent is in the
hous..

Donna

Thanks Donna but that's not the solution for me. I was hoping more than 2 people would have responded to my cry for help so something would be a solution for me. It looks like though that this forum is not for me anymore as it has done very little for me for a long time. I've been pretty bad off for quite some time. It hurts me to see that I had only 2 people who even responded. Other less BP related things have started to seem to become the hot issues here. I felt like if I was drowning no one would care here. I have met a couple of 3-D people that do care about me and give me hope. But this Bi-polar forum does not do it for me anymore.

barbara

barbara

(((((((((((((barbara))))))))))))))))

sorry you are feeling down and neglected

remember many people read and care, but may not always post. sometimes words are hard...but that doesnt mean people do not care

I see a group here that truly do look out for one another and have shown a great deal of support for a long time.perhaps read through some of your old threads to be reminded just how much others do care for you:hug:

:grouphug:

I'm sorry, Barbara
 

Dear Donna,
This sounds like you are going through a stinking time right now and you need someone to reach out to you. :Heart:

Do you go to a church?
I think I remember that you go to a church.
Let them know that you need help. Tell them that you need 3-D support.
Would that work?

Is there anywhere else where you can reach out to for support?

Some people can find support by volunteering. If you find a group of people who are involved in the same things you are, you can feel connected.
I can't think of a group right now.
I know that some people volunteer at animal shelters for example.
That would not work for me.
But there are lots of other volunteer things for families and children. Would that be good?

Maybe through your church you can volunteer.
Some people find that very rewarding.

I'm throwing out ideas.

When I was by myself I used to take myself out to eat or drive to the beach or park to go for a walk by myself. Same with movies. Or free concerts. These things got me out of feeling low for awhile by filling up my time and my senses. They kind of cleared the gunk out of my head.
I don't know if that is what you are going through.

Do you need to make a change?
Do something different?
That can work.

Or, I remember that my old CBT tdoc used to advise his patients to do hobbies / sports / activities that they did when they were teenagers or in their 20s. He said that it is important for people to stay connected with an activity that makes them fulfilled.

Go find some people. I used to walk around in a mall. Even if I did not know anyone, at least I was WITH others.
Or go somewhere like a park (depending on weather) and sit and watch little kids.

'Not sure if that makes sense.
Mari

Dear Barbara,
I am sorry for not supporting you...WE jsut got our computer back on line and am trying to catch up with the other threads...I am sorry that I missed this one.
You sound very lonely and I like mari's suggestions for you to have some real life contact with people...so you can have more support.
These boards have been quiet this weekend....
try to not take that personally.
I am going to post some from a book that I am reading called the four agreements.

beth

Thank you Mari and Bizi and Chemar. I 1st reached out for support 16 days ago with this post so there were plenty of opportunities for responses. I'm sure if I took the time I'd find at least 6 to 8 responses since mine that were just chit chattering and not related to BP issues. I feel the chit chat has started to mean more to some than just giving a cyber hug to acknowledge that you hear what the person who is hurting and is saying. **edit** I've been on the BP Forum since 2004 at least and it's not what it use to be. Why don't everyone on here go out and get 3-D freinds for support for themselves? If I didn't need an online support system I would not be here.

I seem to be the least understood BP on this forum. Some may say I don't need a crying shoulder to lean into or arms to fall into because I do not whine, bi*ch, and moan like most. My kind are the kind that need it the most because after years of being the strong one when we snap we snap bad. When we are down or manic with lots of stress we get dangerous to oursleves. What outlets do a strong person have when everyone believes they will be okay without support becasue they're strong and will get through it.

I really do not belong here in the BP forum any longer for all these reasons. **edit** I usually only get the same 2 people, who are Mari and Bizi, respond to me. Thank you to both of you. I believe support should be a give and take deal and I've given so much to a lot of people and have not been given back from others as much as I gave.**edit**
Goodbye.

Dear Barbara,
'Sending lots and lots of hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Please feel better.
M.

Dear Barbara
 

I am truly sorry you are feeling so down, and that you feel so neglected by "the forum at large" as to desire to leave. Of course you do have the prerogative of changing your mind - and i sincerely hope you will use it! ;)

I am guilty of not reading all threads all of the time. Also my response style is seldom that of a simple smiley face, even when that alone might go a long way. Another thing is that it might take me a long time to compose a response, depending on what i feel or what i need to say... how easily it is shaped in my head. In my personal communications this leads to lapses where i might write frequently and off the cuff at times; at other times there may be a pregnant pause lasting weeks... perhaps because of just one thing - large or small - that has got me stuck on how to reply.

...ON FORUM DYNAMICS...

Relating to the post. A long time ago, a long-standing and still current member of this forum advised me - then a newbie - to respond only if i felt inclined and when i could relate to the post. that was how this person approached it. i considered it. i found it was a useful approach for me as well.

Simple hugs and smilies. I see many responses which, quite frankly, i do not feel show much depth. i am not judging there to be a lot or a little depth; i am simply saying that in many posts i see, it is not apparent, so i would venture that at least some are fairly superficial. now a superficial smiley face or hugs might make someone feel better, but it would make me feel like doo-doo to make a post like that. Others are not like me and may not feel like doo-doo when issuing a smiley face or hugs, even if there is not much depth or understanding... there may be just enough that they go ahead and say, this person needs a smiley face, and fire one off. And the attention alone may do the recipient a lot of good. But not everyone posts this way, and it is not a better or worse way to do things. Each poster/responder needs to be comfortable with his/her degree of depth.

Responding to none, to some - which? or to all. I used to be very cautious about responding to "priority threads" until i found that sometimes, when i was overwhelmed by time, emotional, or other personal issues, i simply could not handle more than so many... and so as not to be unfair to any one, would defer ALL POSTING. I no longer do this. I grab stuff not quite at random, but i respond to what i can respond to, at any one time, and that is it, period. Anyone is free to judge me negatively for my posting style/ethic. It is just what it is. It is necessary for me. It leaves me air to breathe.

It uses the oxygen mask principle - when flying - if the cabin pressure drops, an oxygen mask will be lowered from the compartment over your heads. Place the oxygen mask over your head and breathe normally. Always apply your own oxygen mask before assisting children or disabled passengers.

The reason for this is if you choke to death while trying to get a mask over a struggling 2 year-old, both you AND the two year old will die. Once you have your mask on, you have the time, the air, and hence the forces necessary, to restrain the two year old if necessary, ask for additional help. In order to help others, we must first be in reasonable shape ourselves.

Expressing need... and hearing need. Several years ago, had this been my thread, i might have felt pretty rejected by the lack of responses early on. It was a frequent problem for me. In discussing the issue privately with another forum member, i was also told that i had a way of sounding very nonchalant about things. (This was an observation explicitly about me; nonchalant is not a word i would use to describe this thread.) I noticed others would say very explicit things like "i need your help guys." Well, i had/have a hard time saying such things, especially over and over.

Another thing i noticed myself was that, whereas i would often let my own "needy" threads drop in dejected abandon... others who had "needy" threads would keep posting to their OWN threads, and they would then get replies while my threads kept sinking. This difference in posting style/frequency alone can make it or break it as far as getting responses.

Anyway, to sum up these two factors from my newbie days... 1) while *I* thought my posts expressed need, *others* seemed not to hear the need. The expression of need does not guarantee that it will be heard. How it is done comes into play. 2) i myself noticed objective differences in my posting style/frequency vs. that of others, differences which easily explained the relative difference in number responses received by others as opposed to by me... even when i felt horrid.

These were my experiences. I offer them as food for thought.

......


Barbara

With regard to your Pity Party thread, I shall tell you - i saw your first post, but not the second. I would have most likely responded to the second, but i did not open the thread again until now. I did not respond to the first because i could not relate to it but also did not interpret it as a cry for help. I didn't know what to say. It didn't even sound like you needed a smiley face ... i would not have been sure what face to put there... i just didn't get it. I don't feel guilty for that. It is just how it is. We don't all "get things" all the time.

As for urgencies there have been a few on the forum, including of medical character. I have yet to reply to a PM - of medical character. If i were up and on the ball with my PM's, that would be the first one to get sent. I'm not. Nor am i up and on the ball with emails. I have been IMing some and it breaks me almost every time. Now, with the work application pending, things are even tighter for me.

I have not posted about my "issues" lately, excepting the respiratory ones. That is not to say i don't have any. I do. I just don't feel like sharing. But one should not assume that just because i don't share, and i have fairly upbeat posts, that i am 100% ok on top of the world. My own oxygen mask... has a loose elastic, you could say... i have to watch myself.

I would have responded to your second message, had i seen it, because you do sound so down, even though I still I do not "hear" that one as a cry for help. However, due to the nature of the first post, and my total inability to relate to it, i did not visit the thread again... until now.

I hope you will consider the possibility that others too may not have realized how much you needed our support/responses - they may not have "heard it" in your post.

I hope you will not judge my haphazard participation, or in some way reflect it on yourself. it reflects only my own struggle with life right now.

I also want to point out that many supportive members are away:
Donna is out for surgery.
Nikko is out with back pain and upcoming surgery.
DiMarie is AWOL not sure where she is.
Pamster as best i know is working on her writing.
BJ is AWOL and last we know in a great deal of pain and post-op therapy.
Abbie was in the pit but last heard seemed in a mixed mood (worrisome!)

Except for the last, none are bipolar issues - but their threads were not chit-chat either.

Please read Bizi's Toltec thread. It gives some good insights.

Sorry for the long post. I hope to have clarified some things and perhaps lightened how you might feel about the forum's recent engagement with you in your reaching out thread.

I do hope you feel better soon. :hug: It would be good if you would share more of how you are... and as you mention bipolar... bipolar-wise too. Have you talked to your pdoc about meds... perhaps an adjustment is necessary? Anniversaries of grief can warrant a short term treatment on ADs sometimes it can help. (now you just know i had to go and say SOMETHING pharmaceutical, right? And I'm not even a Pfizer rep! :rolleyes:)

Anyway, if you keep posting, I will check in on you, ok?

:hug: ~ waves ~ :hug:

Dear Barbara,
Since you have been posting for so long you must realize that some of us have been posting for 10 years and more.
It takes a long time to create friendships.
As far as the chit chat.
This is like a family.
WE care about each other.
Being bipolar is not simply about the disorder.
It effects everything that I do.
WE talk about our lives and how we are doing.
People share as much or as little based upon their comfort level.
Not that long ago I was sharing way too much information because my meds were out of whack and needed an increase due to mania.
The meds take a while to work.
knowing what is wrong with us and doing something to help empowers us.
I have many faults and am trying new things to help myself.
I share these things with others in hopes that I might give encouragement to others to try new things as well...to try to better ourselves...to deal with our issues.
I now have hope that my life will be better if I work at it.
I can't be passive in this process.
Feeling empowered is a very important aspect that I think
we all strive for.
This leaves us not being a victim...which can make us feel helpless.
Our feelings are ours to experience...how we deal with those feelings takes practice....how we react is something that we can control.
When I was manic, I could not control my actions.
I hope this helps in some way, I don't mean to offend you.
beth:hug:

Mari said it well.

We are all human and can and do reply when able. There is no time line on this. No rules. There are times that a person isn't sure what to reply, so not, can be the best thing. Computer and time constraints.

Barbara, your last sentence in your first post was this:

Writing this is making me feel better. The pity party is over and I am going to toughen up on society. I will find my way some day. I've still got that hope to cope it seems.

It gives the impression that you needed to post, to vent and you felt better.

Posts that end this way don't always get many replies.

One thing that does help in situations where you aren't sure how to reply, is to hit the Thank You button, to let the person know you read the post. It offers support. The person knows they were heard.

The BP forum is very supportive forum. It is full of a wealth of information.

In the end Barbara, it is your choice to continue to post here or not. From the replies, your friends want you to remain. We all do. :hug:

We wish you well, no matter what you decide.

Curious

Curious, I will stay but I'm not going to put myself out there again.

Beth, you could never offend me.

barbara

Barbara
 

Just know that you are welcome here. Post as little or as much as *you* feel comfortable doing. Do try to let us know if you are in need, somehow. maybe with icons. i don't know. i wish we had not let you down but this happens. i know how terrible it feels because i have felt let down before.

You seem to have a very strong sense of fairness, which is a good quality. But it can mess with us if we start feeling "jipped." It is hard to give without expectation of return... usually there is return anyway and we may not notice we have expectations... until they are unmet... when returns are scarce, we feel let down badly. and when one is depressed, feeling let down is magnified... that is only natural.

i hope you are realizing through our posting that we do care and did not catch on to how bad you were feeling.

also keep in mind, in terms of the give-take aspect of support on the forum...

Life is seldom 50-50, but even less so on a constant basis. circumstances tip the scales one way... and then other... without any schedule or quantification. Things fluctuate randomly like the seasons... summer may be hotter than usual, while winter is mild... then another year, you get a hot hot summer and a cold cold winter, or a mild summer and a freeze-your-buttoff winter....

attention is like that. the forum is like that.

anyway, we understand you are suffering, NOW, at least. ;) in my last post i think i asked if you had considered the possibility of a med tweak... have you?

i wish you well. keep us posted.

:hug: ~ waves ~ :hug:

I also want to remind everyone not to take into account the number of Views on any thread.

Views does not mean that many people have read your post/thread.

Google, Yahoo and every single search engine out there has what are called bots or spiders. They crawl along the internet and store information. That is how people find us in searches of topics. :)

Each time those bots/spiders are around, they count as a view. Over and over.

Each time everyone checks for replies, it counts as a view.

The numbers can rack and up, compared to the number of posts.

It's just a number. It has no real meaning.

Hey you all! I am here!!!!!
Family crisies and health things going on. I read, run low on my get up and go, as it got up and went.....

BF,
Where there is a "home" and "family" we can sometimes miss ques on what is going on and a post goes unopened. But, remember we are family and this is your home, just shout louder if we don't hear the door bell. :hug: If I am not here, I am next door :grouphug:
HUGS
Di