So, now it is Christmas.....
 

This year, whether it is the first, the second, the third, or the tenth since our loved one died, WE, those who are or have grieved, have gifts to give to ourselves and to one another. Perhaps it is a hug or a hand on a shoulder. Perhaps it is listening without judgment or advice . Perhaps it is not expecting as much from ourselves or from others. Perhaps it is a message of hope or a word of encouragement. Perhaps it is letting yourself say or hear the words: "I love you" or "You did the best you could."

Let our gift this season be the willingness to give to others and allow others to give to you those things that money cannot buy. Perhaps your gift is allowing others to see your brokenness and to come alongside of you in your pain. Perhaps your gift is to come alongside of someone in their brokenness and pain. Perhaps....it is both.


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The Compassionate Friends November newsletter. The Healing Garden

How beautifully written Alffe. It is so true. We need to reach out to our fellowman and lend a hand or words of comfort, just as much as we need to receive these special gifts.
May you have a Blessed Holiday Season.
Linda :)

I'm slow getting here~
 

I just noticed this post tonight. Yes Alffe, I agree with what you saying. If we are giving, our minds are busy and it does help. Gods word tells us that. We are to put God first, others second, and self third. Sometimes it is hard tho. Old memories died hard. We will never forget them. Every holiday, birthday or Wedding Anniversary. I have discovered, that others don't necessory want to hear about the loved one, even in the family. I can't figure out why!
Fancylady

I agree Fancylady when you say that sometimes others don't want to hear, even in the family. My sisters don't want to be sad and sometimes I just need to.

It's been hard on me to go back to the church we belonged to as a family. This Christmas is going to be especially hard. My mother was a beautiful mezzo soprano and the choir there is so talented. Everytime they sing a beautiful hymn and the sopranos do the descant...major sniff time for me. My mom so loved hymns and Christmas carols. I'm so excited about Christmas Eve, but know I'll be a blubbering mess becaue my mom isn't there to sing and my dad to beam at her as she would walk down the aisle with the choir.

billie , i don't really understand it either. my folks had a hard time talking about my brother after he died.

for me, not a day goes by when i don't think of him. i talk about it often. even grandmonkey who has my brothers middle name knows lots of fun stories about him.

yes i miss him. yes i cry. but the memeories and sharing them bring me joy and have helped me heal. i feel like part of him keeps living in those who get to know him..even tho he is gone...but not forgotten.

and julie..bring plenty of hankies. waterproof mascara. and listen for her voice. it sings often....i hear it when you post about your sons.

Curious~
Well said! I think it is important to grieve and remember.
Billie

hey you..whatcha doing up?
(((billie)))

Curious~
 

I went to bed at midnight and got up at 4:30. I do this all the time. For one thing my dog wanted out to potty! I only sheep 4 hrs. or so all the time. I did go back to bed tho, & got a little more sleep. What was you doing up?

Billie:)

insomnia...as usual.
sorry i didn't see this. i went offline to read a book.
hope you got more rest. :)

.

But how do you grieve? Is there a "proper" way? And along with remembering comes many, many tears. Who wants to be around someone that's a blubbering mess all the time? It's the holidays and you're supposed to be happy shopping, decorating and going to parties. Why is there such sadness? Why is this the time of year when so many on the edge go over? It's a mystery to me.

bj,

we all grieve in our own way. if blubbering helps you heal...then blubber. and you don't have to be merry and happy. it does help to remember as many good and fun memories as you can. share them. silly stories.

you have sadness because you miss them. sadness because of what they are missing.

people have such a hard time right now because holiday memories are usully some of the strongest. easiet days to remember. festive fun times with ones we loved that are no longer here. but it up to us to keep those memeories live. to create new ones for ourselves and future generations.

((((bj))))

bj~ the title is coping with grief and loss. My husband has only been gone 4 mos. now. A part of me died too and in time I will get better. I don't grieve all the time. We were married 47 yrs. Just wait, you will see, if you are married. It does hurt to lose a mate. I married for life and I still could live a long time.
Fancylady

Maybe my pdoc that I fired hit a nerve when he said I don't know how to grieve. No I don't. I tried to decorate on Sunday and everything I pulled from the box reminded me of my mom so I put it all away. I went to the mall thinking that would put me in the spirit and I got angry. I thought how could everyone be so cheery. I know this is selfish and I hate being like this but the pain is real and I can't do anything about it. I'm angry at myself for being like this.

(((BJ))) Please don't feel ashamed. Everything you are feeling is normal for a grieving daughter. We are here for you...I miss you. Love, Alffe

This has been bothering me since I edited it and I have to get it out. The reason I edited it was that I said I was angry at God. I'm not though, He just confuses me sometimes.

When I was in the hospital the pdoc there said there's 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They don't happen in any particular order. When I posted that I was angry. At who? I don't really know. My mind was all over the place and then I hit bottom. That's when I did "it". And this is where I'm stuck right now. I'm sorry I said it and I didn't mean to but I was out of control. I hope you understand. :o

Good morning BJ. Nice to wake up to a post from you. ((((BJ)))

I do understand about the stages. When our son Michael killed himself I was furious...I raged at God, "Why MY son?" I was furious with Michael for making this decision....I was furious with my husband because he was supposed to protect our family and I felt that he had failed. Most of all I was angry at myself....I thought we were so close, that I knew him so well and I had no clue that he was depressed....I knew he had a bad cold. :Sigh:

Hours before he put that gun to his head, I had talked to him, invited him over for chili but he said no, he had a cold and was just going to "chill out". My last words to him were "I love you" and he said I love you too Mom. (for all the good it did)

Years later, when our Pastor asked me to become an Elder for our church I told him of my anger at God...of my raging at him. He said that when his Dad died of cancer...he went outside and shook his fists at the heavens...he said,
it only proves that we are human.

We all grieve differently BJ. The most important work is to try to move thru it and not get stuck in one of the stages. I refused to talk about Michael to anyone but my husband and that is not a good thing.

Acceptance was a VERY long time coming in my case and that included forgiving Micahel. And those stages come and go...you can think you've worked thru one and the dang thing comes back at you. Some one compared them to waves of grief and that's pretty accurate I think.

You can do this BJ....it's a long journey but you'll learn alot about yourself and your Mom on the trip. (((BJ)))

you know what is so great bj...we CAN get angry at god...and he forgives us. :)

and we all do understand those feelings. ain't it grand to have friends you can share them with?

Attachment 549

And for anyone else out there, who, like me, never made it through the stages...I think that this is normal, too.

I still do not talk to God. I figure that if he didn't even save his own son, then why could I ever have expected him to save mine.

I am very happy for those who can find comfort in their religion, but there are some of us who will never again find comfort there.

Christmas is the most wonderful season of all, and I cherish my other 5 children and my husband, but there will always be a part of me that belongs only to a sweet boy with an impish grin. He left ten years ago, but I see glimpses of him, or feel him near still.

Love to all of you during this difficult time,
Mama

I agree with you Mama.. many people never go through the "stages".
It isn't "natural" to bury our children...we are supposed to die before they do...And it forever changes something inside us when we have to do this.
I've learned that life isn't fair..good people suffer, bad people prosper. It rains on the just and the unjust.

We find reasons to go on. Thank you for the love.

I understand your grief~
 

I haven't baried a child, but mine is in prison for a chrime he says he didn't do. Now he is in a wheelchair and my last letter said someone knock him out of if & slambed him against the sidewalk. He now has brured vision, a headache,
& Lord only knows what else. They were xraying him. I ask him to call as they won't let me call him. I have had to bare this over Christmas and don't know anything. It takes forever for him to get my mail as they go threw everything. I haven't seen him in many years. He was only 20 when this happen and now is 36. I have a family member that is suppose to take me, but he hasn't filled the papers out yet. My husband would not go. It is a sad thing to have happen. If he doesn't get aan earily out, I won't see till I am 83. I just got 18 years to go and he is my only close relitive.
___
BC

(((Billie))) As you well know, life isn't fair. Hugs