Support Groups
 

This bares repeating...


Unfortunately when someone close to us dies by suicide most of the people who provide us support are also suffering. Getting support is crucial to being able to survive this loss ourselves.

"Every member of the family is suffering and wants to be taken care of, not to serve as a caretaker, at this time"

We need to tell our stories repeatedly and people quickly tire of hearing them long before we are tired of telling them.

"Your friends, even those who care the most and have only your well-being at heart, will soon encourage you to put the past behind you. They will tell you it has been three months or six months or whatever arbitrary time limit they believe is appropriate for you to suffer, and it is now time to be over it, but you will go on believing that you will never be over it.

They are not completely wrong. Mourning is a finite process. One day mourning will no longer consume all of your life. However, the length of mourning is up to you, not some preconceived notion that someone else may have."

A good support group will provide you with understanding...and with people who care.

Quotes from Healing After The Suicide of a Loved One by Ann Smolin, C.S.W. and John Guinan, PH.D.
__________________


I attended a support group last night for Survivors of "anything" ...it's a new group and this was their second, my first, meeting. There were five of us there...two counselors. Two men were grieving the loss of their wives..one quite sudden, the other had cared for his wife for two years.
One of the counselors had lost her son to homicide...he was shot three times in our local Burger King last year. The other counselor had lost her mother last year from a sudden heart attack and then there was me.

I learned a lot about how support meetings are supposed to be run..was upfront about what I am wanting to do and they were so helpful..I'll go again next week.

More later..Mr.Alffe is hollaring for his breakfast. :winky:

Alpho,

to me, what you wrote is worth repeating itself...so I am repeating it for ya...

((((BIG HUGS)))))

My neighbor told me of a book she reads, one page at a time that helps her in her grieving.....So of course I had to have it...*grin

The introduction has struck such a cord....

"In time, we will be able to feel the spray on our face without a fear of drowning, even to savor the taste of the salt on our lips because, in addition to the poignancy of loss come the rush of love for the one we have lost and perhaps a sense that in the mystery of the universe, we still inhabit that universe together and are tied together in a love that cannot come untied."

"What is essential does not die but clarifies," wrote Thornton Wilder. And again, "The greatest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." Eventually, we will find our way through this particular "valley of the shadow," and while there may always be a tinge of sadness, there will come a sense of our own inner strength and our ability to rejoice in the life we have shared, and to look toward a future in which the loved one, though not physically present, continues to bless us."

Healing After Loss Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief

Author Martha Whitmore Hickman

************************

Going to bed with my heart a little warmer. Hugs for the room. :grouphug:

my face is "splashed"...my heart is warmed...

I guess this is my "suicide day"...have a Prevention meeting at noon and another Support meeting this evening.

I hope this noon meeting will bring news of the names of the other survivors from the survey or I may turn into a bee that stings! *grin

And I am thinking that tonight, depending on how it goes, will be my last support meeting with this group. Surviving a suicide makes you such a "strange bedfellow" that I don't want to interfere with the "normal grievers".

I won't need to explain that to those of you who "know".

Hugs for the room. :grouphug:

(((Alpho)))

we get "IT"

:)

Alffe, what do you and everyone else...you first since this is your thread....:) think about compiling a list of Support Meeting sites? Actually physical meetings, not online support?

It's a great idea Curious but it's an ever changing list as groups come and go. It will take time to post it...don't know if it should be stickied...one of my books has pages of them, state by state but it's probably outdated by now.

Suggestions???

I am wondering if it would be easier if you scan it, Alpho. And send the photos to me or curious and we can upload that as a photo.

And just post that.

And then, modify it as you go. That way, you don't have to make the list or type it out.

Sticking it might be a good idea with a weekly bump??

:)

(if you don't want to scan it, taking pictures of the pages? I know you don't have a digital, but if you mail the photos, we can do the scanning and upload the photos for you. LOLOL)

I can make one post that can be edited as needed and it can be added to the useful links and resources.

I can also check and see if phone numbers are still active. That will help weed them out.

Or if the book has a website...I can check that too.

(Alffe) I do finally understand. It's been years since that "The Ultimate F*** You" post/thread where I totally misread/misunderstood what you were saying. Thank you for your love and compassion for those of us who survived our suicide action(s). I survived--my grandmother and two cousins did not. John's 2nd wife shot herself through the heart, and he told me, after a heated discussion/argument, to go ahead and kill myself. So . . . if I didn't have this forum as a type of support group, there would be NO support.

You really have me grinning here dear reyn...Oh, you were so offended!! And I was suprised that the actual word was allowed on that thread.

It's wonderful to see you posting and I loved it that Pansy wished you a happy birthday...I haven't seen that name in a long time.

I have a lot I want to say about this noons' Prevention meeting...the chair woman asked me not to give up on her and I won't but geeze...if all those people had lost someone they love to suicide it would have a much higher priority on their agenda.

We were given a list of their goals for 2009..there were 20 of them and she asked that we rate them for what we considered priority...Support didn't make it in the top ten...I ranted a tad, reminded them that talking about a suicide loss always takes all the air out of a room. They moved it up to # three....~sigh

(Alffe) Yes, I thought you were saying that to those of us who had attempted suicide. I didn't understand that it was a quote! I felt so angry that you were so angry . . . *sigh. I'm trying harder to communicate, to explain, to ask when I don't understand, to be a responder and not just a lurker.

Why wouldn't support be at least second, only after education for suicide prevention?

Could not sleep tonight due to a racing mind. Our Prevention Coalition has their own agenda...they are very active here and have done so much good in the community. They have very lofty goals for this year beginning with applying for a couple of Grants...(those have to be in by March 1st so I understand that being the highest priority)

Every person on that board is passionate about their own area of expertise...Prof from IUSB Sociology/Psy Depts, Counselors from the our high schools, Mental Health Center, Outreach to area police for training in first response....etc.

They have never done Support Groups...Hospice has handled that for 14 years and no longer wants to as of March 1st. I am a new voice, have no degree in anything but life's experience. I appreciated being heard but I understand that is no guarantee that I won't get moved back down on that list. I wanted to get my hands on the positive responses to the survey they sent out. I didn't but the chairwoman spoke with me after the meeting was over and said, please don't give up on me..so I won't..yet. Dam! I wish I were younger. *grin

life experiences trump degrees anyday in my humbled opinion so don't sell yourself short...

but I would caution on being burnt out though..

support groups are hard in that it is hard to organize and it is hard to get people to open up and that it is even harder to keep people coming back..

and one never knows when someone is OFFENDED by something someone else said because they do NOT concur at that moment....

HOWEVER, from my own experience, I believe it is a good thing...sometimes, when people leave because they don't agree, it still helps them, it might be a few months or years down the road, but I have seen the "Eureka" moments and I have heard stories about those that appreciated the support groups years later but had left in anger or tears....

I, myself, have done that years ago...left a support group because I didn't wanted to hear what was said at the meeting, I had thought myself TOO smart and that they didn't know what they were talking about...

It was meetings about people that get angry...as you know, I was extremely angry at my father since I was a child and had some very serious anger issues...

I didn't feel "related" to in the meetings, I gave it a few shots and left in anger....

years later...I GOT it...a bit too late, but I got it and am appreciative of some of the things I retained...

You're doing a great thing but don't get burned out on this, dear lady! And know that EVERYONE will benefit from the support groups whether they stay or not, sometimes, the lightbulb turns on MUCH later...

Thank you Moi...you always manage to ground me. (that does not mean shoot me down..*grin)

What we say at the support meetings, stays there so I am hesitant to talk much about them. Suffice to say that at last weeks meeting (this is for the everything support group) when we went around the table and said who we lost and how they died...one older man had an audible gasp when I said suicide and he spent the next 5 mins trying to recover..saying things like "it's against nature"....etc. This reaction isn't new to me and I made a mental note that if he showed up at last nights meeting..I wouldn't go again. Everyone is entitled to their grief and to find comfort from the support group.

He didn't come last night and I told the moderator that I was pretty sure why...They insist that I keep coming until I can get my own group running....and I'm torn. Torn because there was a new person there last night. Someone I can certainly identify with.

~sigh

((Alffe)) please forgive my muddled mind.... if I may ask... I am wondering why you feel torn? When are you planning to start your group? Wish I lived near you, I would come for sure!!!:hug:

Right now I don't think I could go to grief therapy, I think I would have to go to an SOS group. I am not sure I could handle the gasp as well as you! :o

When we both are better adjusted, the nursing home is going to set up bereavement counseling for me, as well as hook me up with the local Alzheimer's support group. I could never go before, because who would watch Lynn? I suggested they should have adult "day care" As I am sure most care givers who truly need the help, just can't go! I think it could help me greatly and look forward to going.

Oh Nikki that's a wonderful idea..both the bereavement counseling and the
support group.

I hope to have a support group in conjunction with these Prevention people...it was their survey that went out and I am waiting, waiting, waiting for them to share the names of the positive responders.

If I have to, I'll start my own group but I'd rather have their help.

If any of that makes sense. Your mind is overflowing with enough "stuff" these days..don't take on anymore. *grin

I went to my last Tuesday night "everything" Support Meeting last night...came home so depressed that I couldn't even get on here to share.

I am more convinced that ever of the great need to have support groups..and to be involved with the right one for your particular kind of grief. All grief is not the same but there certainly was agreement in that room that we don't "do death" in this country...we don't want to talk about it no matter who died, or how they died...we just want it to be over with, and to put it behind us as quickly as possible.

And some of the counselors just don't "get it". How can you say to a woman who is crying buckets of tears that she should be over his death by now. In todays "market"...are we still that lacking in insight? :(

I did not talk at all last night...it would not have been helpful as I am a suicide survivor. ~sigh

Who would've thought that you all have taken me so far? This fall I start interning as a therapist! So I thought I'd contribute what I can on this thread.

Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Toll-Free, someone you can chat with.

Suicide Hotline for Youth 1-877-YOUTHLINE

Suicide Support Groups listed by state http://www.suicide.org/suicide-support-groups.html

Online Support Groups for Suicidal People as well as Family Survivors http://suicideandmentalhealthassocia...l.org/osg.html

I also found this interesting, you can join the AAS American Association of Suicidology if you are a survivor, lost someone, or just interested in prevention of suicide. http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/home

I can't believe how technology has changed, even the colorful graphics I've found on this page. It's definitely not what I'm used to from the good old days! Miss you all and worry about you all, all the time!! Hope each and every one of you are doing okay right now and still have the courage to keep on keeping on. :) I will be thinking of you. (thanks to ms alffe for reminding me to come back to this place every so often!)

and for reyn,

http://helenwoodwardanimalcenter.fil...brushes-21.jpg

hope you know i haven't forgotten about you! and am always worrying/thinking of you!

And Alffe, before I sign off to lunch, I thought I would comment on your last post about your group meeting. Therapy, support groups, AA/NA meetings always need to be shopped around. It is very important to find a counselor/therapist/group that fits with you and that works with your own personal style of grieving or dealing with problems. The way I see it, whoever is supporting you is like a friend, and not all people are going to be right for you as friends. I've got first hand experience with having lots of terrible friends! So it goes the same way with therapy and support groups, if they aren't right for you, dont give up but keep trying until you find one that is.

I'll get off my soapbox now. :)

You are so right Wish...hsiw..*grin. I am hoping to start my own group...it's a long story. LOLOL And I'm sorry your mood is stressed. :hug::hug: