Suicide as an option?
 

I had a horrific experience yesterday. I am ashamed and still feel like killing myself...but have promised fiance(marc) I won't. I was at a doctors visit as usual every second tuesday and she told me I was failing her rehab...I was not following her instructions and that I am in a self esteem crisis. I am sorry but do you tell a patient you believe is in a self esteem crisis they are failing rehab...but no judgement was said.....I was in so much mental pain, physical pain and had had it.

I came home dropped my bags, ran to the bedroom for the emergency stash of meds and locked the bedroom door and began counting pills to put in my mouth. I was crying and couldn't see them so it took a long time. Marc was panicking of course and b/c the door was locked he bashed it in with his shoulders and took the pills from me and pulled them out of my mouth. I called him every swear word there is known to man/woman and kept at it punching him (of course wth my tos arm) and yelling to get the pills back. I beat the **** out of him and he just kept telling me he loved me and it was okay we would be okay....I didn't believe just wanted to end the suffering of almost 7 years of hell and damn insurance cos. and workers comp...you all know. I had had enough....but I took every piece of anger out on him I bit him I kicked him I yelled at him I punched him and he jst kept telling me he loved me. He said he understood but I had to stop. I couldn't. I threatened to call 911 and tell them he was beating me up to get my pills back......it was REALLY REALLY BAD.....PROBABLY WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Thank GOD I have an angel named Marc who loves me and protected me but I am so p/o'd at the doc for making me feel worthless, uselss, jobless, hopeless.....any more lesses????? I'm sure you all know them.

I wish I was dead it would take away my pain my suffering and my stupid waste of a life....Marc says I am here for him...do I believe that??????? i don't know....all I know is my fiance is black and blue from me punching and kicking him and he still loves me. He took my anger and let me rage but took the pills(and rightly so) and saved my life. He is an angel. I love him with all I am but I am still depressed and p/od at the doctor...Marc is coming to next visit with her. I can't believe she made me feel so hopeless and useless and like such a failure that she made me want to kill myself.

I know this is a very personal post and I ask that you all respect the hell I have been through. I know you will. You are my guiding light.....of which i could use a lot of right now........

words of wisdom appreciated......reasons to live.......

love and hugs to you all with tears in my eyes,
Victoria:(

I always look for your posts to read. You make my suffering with TOS more bearable and make these boards more special.


Hugs, You are a blessing to me,

Bill

Hugs Vic Hugs

Ok I took some deep breaths so I don't go off bad mouthing that dr...:mad:


Do you think you were in a vulnerable place already when she was saying it?
Or was it the way she said it?
accusingly, judgmentally? or it all just made you feel really put down?

She needs to be made aware of how she impacted your emotional state, but I don't know if telling "all" would be wise...something might backfire if the pills part is mentioned..

[end the suffering of almost 7 years of hell and damn insurance cos. and workers comp...you all know. I had had enough...]
I think you are right that everything had built up and it just exploded at this time.
I hope as you get through this you will again see the good that is you.

Reasons-
Marc must be a very special guy, and he sees the specialness of you.
I think you are a very special person too, even though I haven't met you in real life:).
You have passion & compassion, I can see it in your posts.:grouphug:

musings...
Something that never fails to fill me with awe and wonder -
gorgeous sunrises and sunsets with those bright and soft colors that change with each moment

the clear spring days when the grass is the bright green and the sun is warm and bright

Waves endlessly and rhythmically washing on to the sand at the beach, the ocean reflecting the colors of the sky or clouds.

Walking along the beach just enjoying nature.

I hope you don't mind but I going to put the trigger icon on the post, for others that might be affected by the topic.


Also if you'd like to, or anyone, feel free to visit our SOS {Survivors of Suicide} forum- for anyone that needs to talk or share feelings about it.
a great group of folks there.
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

hugs
 

some people should not be in health care. you have been so caring in your posts you have helped a lot of us. please hang in there.

hey, don't pay attention at the doctor! They usually are stressed because of the loads of the patients they have to see plus some people have much worse character and can easily deeply offence anybody who would be more sensitive then the rest. You should be really hapy to have so wonderful person as Marc and forget about the cruel doctor. Next time Marc will stand for you and everything will be allright! :)

thank you
 

thank you all so much for the support it really means a lot to me to know you are all here for me despite being so far away!

love and hugs to you all.....:grouphug:

Sweet Victoria, your posts are always a bright spot - even this one.

Sometimes I find myself in that dark place. I feel hopeless and tired and inept. I can only imagine that you were there when this Dr. decided to use very inappropriate words with you, her patient.

Chronic pain has a sidecar: depression. But us medicated TOSers risk our lives adding psych meds to the mix. It works well for some. For others (me) it does not. Counseling and Group are what helps me get thru these dark places.

You are so lucky that Marc was able to save you. My hope is that when he goes to the appointment with you, he will take this woman aside, show her his wounds and RHEEM HER A NEW ONE. Then calmly come back into the exam room and observe while she APOLOGIZES to YOU. After that, Marc should write a letter to your Ins. Provider (if you have one) or the Clinic and detail exactly what happened. Coming from a Dr., it should be treated with respect. (I smell 'lawsuit', don't you? :Deliberate: )

Vicki, suicide is never an option. Even in the worst of it, your suffering serves a purpose. Others see it and gain from it. (or if you're a religious sort like me, you offer it up for the salvation of souls) Like Jo said, there are glorious sunsets, sunrises, colors, nature... all this you'd miss out on if you weren't here.

Please keep on fighting the good fight!
Anne
(coming off of 24hrs of 10 pain)

St. Padre Pio: "There is a price for souls. Someone has to pay for them."

Good Afternoon, My Friend
 

How r u doing today? I'll call u in a few.

You have good advice from great TOS patients here. What would we do without everyone who knows what we go through, the disregard professionals put us through, the insurance company crap, & the pain? What would we do without NT? We have found the best of best friends & support known right here.

Check your FACEBOOK. I sent you universal awakening strength. Do u remember the conversation we had last night? Do u remember how important YOU are in this world? Do u remember the story I told you of Tooley loosing his engineering job to Neuropathy, being disabled & finding a new awakening? No meds in his hernia op! Just think what we can do for ourselves & others, my friend.

I have a couple of ideas & will send you one to help you begin to make little personal changes, its a new day, new awakening of the rest of your life.

We ALL support & LOVE you, my friend. :grouphug:
Cyndy

Hey vic,

i have been offline for last few weeks due to bloomin laptop crashing out on me...

so sad that this is the first post i have read after my time away - you are NOT a waste of space!!!! From what i can see there are many, many people on here who have benefited from your guidance - me being one of them. Your kind words, help and support have got me through some tough times the last 6 months for which i cannot thank you enough!!!

You believed in me, i believe in you and you need to believe in yourself....if this woman is prepared to make you feel that way despite knowing the ins and outs of your situation then maybe she's not worth your time!


hugs, hugs and more hugs
tracey

love
 

i love you all more than I can say. you bring light where there was none, u bring hope whre there was none. You share your joy and peace with me and try to make me whole again. Slowly I am coming out of the fog and will hopefully get some stuff delt with my psychologist this afternoon. I'll be frank and tell her all. I am tired of pain tired of being tired of pain.....

I pray I look for guidance.......I have all of you my little email angels!
for this I send you all my love! xoxo
V:grouphug:

hey I do not know you from here, I do not have same illness, but have much pain!

I just wanted to give you HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs

and know that many are here for you and your honey sounds wonderful!! Hold on tight to him, let his love help you thru this time.

Know that suicide of course is not the answer, if you need to you may want an apt. to talk to someone, that can always help. Sorry the doctor set you off...more hugssssssssssss,sarah

darlin' I feel your pain. :grouphug:

About 4 years after my accident in 2000 I came to realize in the darkness of the painwrecked morning hours, when it was just me, my dog and my pain, I didn't want to live like that. Suicide was an option. :o

And like you, I'm very sorry for the life-altering experience I could have done without. As far as I'm concerned, God could have taken those 7 years and minused that from my future date of death and not put me and my family through this. I would be happier that way. Now realizing this was scary but my reality.

Can't say I've changed my mind about that thought process even now going on 2 years with a very tolerabe situation.

I do look at the medical profession with skeptism - they deserve it - assholes!!!

I have even thought, this forum wouldn't know if one of us - God forbid - did go out that way. My thoughts and prayers to all of us, for strenght and healing.

I don't find much peace or pleasure even now. I do look at everything differently after my experiences walking down the dark, long and lonely TOS highway. Unfortunately, I think it exposed a reality I didn't want to know about.

I find comfort in God's word, that he will not put no more on us than we can bear, but I still don't like it.

I think everything came to a head and yes, you've been through too much. Thank God for Marc.

Together we'll heal. I do enjoy your posts as I seem to enjoy posting. Don't know if my experiences has helped anyone.

It won't always be this way. :hug:

"I had a horrific experience yesterday. I am ashamed and still feel like killing myself...but have promised fiance(marc) I won't. I was at a doctors visit as usual every second tuesday and she told me I was failing her rehab...I was not following her instructions and that I am in a self esteem crisis. I am sorry but do you tell a patient you believe is in a self esteem crisis they are failing rehab...but no judgement was said.....I was in so much mental pain, physical pain and had had it"

You need a new dr! I seldom read here either...lost a son to suicide so of course I always have an opinion about it.

Jo gave you the link to the SOS forum and there are stickies at the top..good place to read if you get in trouble again. Your fella sounds like a keeper. :hug:

This whold thing sucks......I had a voc rehab person throw me way under the bus in a deposition because she said I didn't send apps for 10 jobs a week. I didn't TRY....Well everythng's on the internet now and I typed and typed until I got tendinitis of the finger-bursitis and inflammation of the rotator cuff-but she spent a whole hour and a half with me-and was an expert on my case. The last one to come in and of course the most informed one to choose my WHOLE future!!!!!Well, well, well, guess what? I'm set to have rotator cuff surgery in about 6 weeks. I can hardly lift my hand to write, and the one interview I went on I found myself.......*****!!!!!!....I just wanted to settle and be done with this-it's been since Mar of 2003.

Victoria
 

I bet you had a FABulous time tonight "Scrapping" with friends. Keep up the left sided brain waves. Your doing GREAT, my friend! And remember, "LOOK FORWARD". There is a whole wide world just waiting for you to bring all your energy, creativity & intelligence. Love to U & Marc! :hug:

thanks again guys
 

You are all so amazing. My heart swells with the love I feel through the computer and yes i can feeel it. I did have fun scrappin making ATC's and had fun. Life is getting brighter want to shop at Costco today of course for scrappin stuff. I am glad I had the apt with the psychologist and she made me feel more whole...but was not looking myself even yesterday so put on my glad rags and make up and went to the crop. I am so glad i did. It is amazing what contact with the outside world will do for you.

I feel more energetic and am looking up wedding dresses again....so I guess I am feeling better.

Much love and also God has been in my mind a lot....I did question if he'd forgive a suicide for this reason but now I question if he will forgive those thoughts. I WILL be at church tomorrow and have just started going this month...wedding and all....so wanted a good chruch home to have. So will fnd comfort in our hymns and the sermon.......hope it ties in with my woes....

Again thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart and soul for all your support and kind words. Marc is so sweet he just holds me and makes me feel better....I love him with all of me...he is part of me now and has seen all my ups and downs. He KNOWS...if not understands the pain......

love to you all and may God bless you all for your thoughts of my comfort
Victoria:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::h ug::hug:

Vic - I am just sending you lots of love and hugs and all my support. :hug:

Dear V -

That is one thing that I miss so much -

Church. Haven't been able to go for five years.

Many years ago, when I was well, it took me about 12 churches to find one that fit my beliefs (read a church's mission statement, some of them are kind of shocking), and the leader's intellectual sermons, the LOVE, and last, but most important for me, was the MUSIC.

I used to love losing myself in the church's music...

So God bless you for seeking out a church again, and I hope, finding SOLACE, LOVE and acceptance...another "family".

I reached out today, to someone here at TOS, as I was at the end of my rope...I think I'll post it.

Love to all.

thanks Tam
 

Hey Tam,

thanks....you'll be in my mind tonight as I go to the Shrove Tuesday pancake dinner at the church...no need to cook!!! Yeah and time to prepare for lent! I am giving up swearing believe it or not....I am sooooooooooooo bad and will try to give it up for good it is a horrible crude thing and I want to better myself....I guess that's what has come of this mess.......and this is what I have decided to give up......I'll miss my words.......lol....

I hope you are feeling welll Tam and God bless you and may you be feeling as best as you can. I'll say a prayer for you in the church tonight!

Much love and many hugs,
Victoira:hug::hug: