Trying to survive Dad's suicide....
 

I am always open and honest with my doctors. How can they help you if you aren’t? When I made a plan after Dad took his life, I called him and told him. When I had to place Lynn and knew I was losing the battle, I called him. It isn't easy reaching out. But it is better than the alternative!

"People can not help you if you are not willing to help yourself." Dad taught me that. Drilled it into my head from early childhood. And, "Always take responsibility for your own actions, never quit, never be afraid to ask for help."

Yet, he didn't. He let his pain consume him to the point he thought taking his own life was the only option. He didn't reach out, he didn't seek help. Part of me is very ****** at him for this.

If he cut himself badly, he would go get stitches... if his tooth was killing him, he would go to the dentist.........yet he was losing the fight for his very life, and he did nothing. He didn't call his doctor, he didn't tell his family, and the most hurtful and core cutting.. he didn't tell me.

We were so damn close. When I was diagnosed with my nerve diseases, it hurt so badly I just wanted to die. I knew I could not survive with this pain for the rest of my life. I didn't want to.

Dad and I had long talks. Many tears were shed, our souls connected at a deeper level. I still remember to this very day what he told me then... part of it was...."You can't give up Nikki!! NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!! I need you, don't give up! Stay for me, Stay and fight! I will help you, I will always be here for you to lean on"

I believed him. He was my Daddy, why wouldn't I? Yet, when he had these same thoughts, when he hurt so badly he just wanted to die, he didn't tell me. He didn't stay and fight. I stayed and fought just as he asked me. Yet, he didn't stay for me. He isn't here for me to lean on. He isn't here at all.
He destroyed my world.

He destroyed my family. March 13, is my oldest brothers birthday. Dad killed himself the next day. Instead of planning a family birthday party for my brother- as we always have every other year of our lives... this year ALL we can think about is March 14th, the day Dad killed himself. My brother will never have another happy birthday. NEVER! Nice gift to give your son Dad :hissyfit: My family will never be whole again. Dad's suicide has effected every single aspect of our lives.

Do I think suicide is selfish? Yes I do. I am sorry if that offends some of you. But this is a safe place to express our feelings. Right? Now, knowing the hell left behind for the loved ones to try to survive, suicide will never be ok in my eyes. I know what suicide does to those you leave behind. How can that ever be ok??!! Now, I personally feel... suicide is not only the ultimate F you ((Alffe)) But I also feel it is the ultimate selfish act.

Am I saying I don't understand the thoughts? Hell no! I get it! I have been there more times than I care to admit. I was in so much pain I wanted to die. You know what? I am STILL in that pain to this day. I will be for the rest of my life. But, I am still here fighting. I understand pain, I understand depression.

I guess what I am trying to say is, as with any other affliction or illness, one must seek help to overcome what haunts them, depresses them or makes the thought of suicide so appealing. You can't wish these problems away. Just as cancer needs chemo, depression (etc), needs medical attention as well. I am depressed as hell. All I can feel is grief multiplied by more grief.

I'm not going to just sit here and wish to die. I am not going to just sit here and do nothing! I called my doctor. This is the same doctor who treated me for my breakdown after Dad's suicide last March. I told him I was not suicidal, I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

When he saw me he said " Look Nik, I am really worried about you. You are talking in monotones, you are shaking uncontrollably, you lost 12 pounds in one week, how about we take you to the hospital for some testing?"

I agreed. Among other things, I found out I have dangerously low serotonin levels. My doctor has put me on SSRI’s (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) In the information he gave me and the research I have been doing, it makes me wonder what Dad's levels were.

I can't help but think, had he only reached out, had only sought help... we would now be planning my brothers birthday party, instead of trying to figure out how to survive the one year anniversary marking his suicide.

I sit here just as stunned as I was last year. My Dad killed himself
WHY??!! WHAT IF??!! :Sob: :Sob: :Sob: :Sob: :Sob:

dear nik -key
 

dear nikkey,
when people pass away,
when it is an accident they are very depressed - yet usually no blame is in the thought of one who dies in an accident?
my boyfriend since age 10 drowned at age 19,
I was heartbroken, he was swimming under the influence
of alcohol, I never felt I must forgive him, because he died that way,
and I have known at least 3 people I knew that took their lives violently
and it is something in your Dad's mind in an instint of desperation,
perhaps
he was sorry - but you cant stop the chain of events -once set in motion
- please forgive him everyday until the answer comes to your heart,
forgive them for they know not what they do?
peace to you dear one...

Dear Nik-key
 

This is Steve. I'm so sorry that you are grieving. I know the pain of grief. Both you,and BJ are going through a similar thing. I'm so sorry. I know that It's real. I know that you are very sensitive,and it's going to take some time for the grief process to subside. I'm a very sensitive person too. You will get better. It will take time,but you will get better. I'm very sorry that your Dad felt that bad. We cannot fathom the depth of his desperation. It may remain a mystery,but you must go on.

I love you. A person so lovingly missing her dad. You are very tenderhearted,and valuable here,and now. Let not your heart be so troubled. I hope that you feel some peace tonight,God given peace. Please hold on,and this grief should subside,and you should feel a bit better as the days,months,and years go by. BF:hug::Heart::heartthrob:

((tena)) ((steve)) you are both so sweet and I thank you for reaching out to me.:hug: I know you all just want to help, and I am grateful. :hug: I wish I could find the peace and comfort you speak of. I have searched, am still searching, but it is nowhere to be found.

They say God is closest to the broken hearted. Dad use to say, the trouble is, the broken hearted were in too much pain to see Him. That is where I am right now.

It is hard to forgive Dad. I loved him so much, it pains me deeply to be this angry with him. It pains me that I can't forgive him. Yet, how can I, when I see the wreckage, the hell he has left behind?

My family is falling apart.

Not one day has gone by that one or all of us is not sobbing.

Everyone who saw him, is traumatized for life.

Even those who didn't, might as well have, for the nightmares that keep them up.

I can't see snow, without seeing HIM in that snow.

I can't see snow without violently throwing up.

Every single one of his children is now severely depressed.

Two of his children who never had suicidal thoughts, now do..

All because of the pain their father inflicted upon them.

And that is just SOME of the hell he left his children in, plus there are many other lives he destroyed, his wife, his siblings, his grandchildren......

How can one justify ending one persons pain, when it leaves so many others in a living hell?

I am raw, maybe too raw to be posting.

nik,

I wish I know what to say...

Tena and Steve said it well...

keep venting it out...

(((BIG HUGS)))

PS, Raw is good....Raw is honest...Raw is true....keep it as raw as you like. There's always the options to delete or ask the mods to remove it later...

Thank you ((Moi))

I just sometimes worry it is too raw for others to read. I sometimes worry I will offend attempters, or be a trigger to someone. Yet, I don't know where else to express some of the hell I am feeling. *sigh

nik,

I know where you're coming from but I have to ask myself this question.

IF it is NOT so raw, would any of us be here??

If there are those that do not find the subject of suicide RAW and powerful and emotional, perhaps they just DON'T understand it?

my personal feeling is that if you can't talk about it here at the SURVIVOR of suicide forum when you are a survivor, WHERE would you talk about it?

Let it out...there are great options to utilize here and there is always that delete (or asking the mods to delete it later)

But I think by you talking about it bravely, you'll help many....

I'll be around for a little longer....keep talking...

Well hell, now you got me to crying again. It is good, to not feel all alone. Thank you:hug:

I have much I need to express... but just can't right now. But I will be back, I need to be here.

Thank you ((Moi)) for helping me through this night.:hug:

no sweat, nik...

as I've read, your seratonin level is low....and you need sleep, my friend...

when we're in this state, it's easy to let our minds wander and get us into all sorts of trouble....

especially to those us that get triggered easily....

I'll be around a little bit longer....

but I know you'll be OK cause you'll be back to let it out if need be...

and I am sure the night crew like K77 and Jo*mar will watch over you...

((((BIG HUGS))))

get some sleep if you can...

moss always asks about you...we love you, dearie....

nik,

you may not find this helpful, but Kahlil Gibran's poetries always are so soothing...and while I know that you're angry at your dad...

this poem is FOR him...from me....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Death
Kahlil Gibran

You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.


In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?


For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?


Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

well, I am off to bed...

((((BIG HUGS))))

will be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers...

nik, it's OK to feel angry, and get as angry as you can and need to....

but...don't HOLD on to it too long, OK?? (I get into the "I get so angry at my father and then I let it go and then I get angry again modes". And as time goes by, I feel the anger less and less each time...I'll probably do this for the rest of my life, but it does get easier....I hope that'll happen for you...)

(((Nik-key)))

thank you ((MOI)
so glad U were here again
and to ALL
for 'being there" for NIK
& who knows how many others
these sharings
ALL these words, will touch .....
i'm deeply touched,
crying again...

((( NIK)))
your words , all you share continue to touch so deeply-- RAW real Honest -- you have helped me so many times...
wish i could tell you how much ... and how to get 'thru' all -- pain, losses, more... so much....
so many times... wish i knew how to help you.... wish that you weren't suffering so much....
pray for healing, Peace and more, you so deserve..
wish i could say , do more ....
take care

praying for BEST
for ALL

I am really in tough shape today, 1 week from today. I can't see through the tears but had to try to express my thanks to you dear ((pono)) such a moving post. I know how much pain you are in, that you would reach out to me, means a great deal. Much love my friend:hug:

((Moi)) the poem is beautiful. I will try to find the right mix, to feel... but not be consumed by those feelings. A hard thing to do. I feel I might simply explode for all the emotions running through me.

I need to dry my eyes and go visit with Lynn.... I will try to be back later.

Love to you all :hug:

Nik-key...i am wondering if the chat room here would be a good place for you to have real time interractions with many members here....I really have been helped by it...I am there now, and would encourage you to try it soon!

have a good visit too!

((Drea)) thank you, I tried... went in and left before I could even say hi. accck. I have only been in chat one time, I didn't see one for SOS. I would feel odd talking about these emotions with others. I guess I feel they wouldn't, or maybe couldn't understand. Its a good thought though, maybe when I feel stronger, I will try again. Thanks:hug:

please try again..it is amazing how we all come together, as support for one another. all of us are dealing with heavy hearts and it's easier to hold ours up when we all do it together....take care :grouphug:

:hug:

Just hugs Nikki. Lots and lots of hugs.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Awwwww, Nikki. :hug:

You have so many burdens heaped upon your frail shoulders. I'm so sorry for all that worries you. They are legitimate worries, but still ... so much for you to bear.

I don't have any helpful suggestions or comforting poetry to share. But know that you remain in my daily thoughts and prayers. You are loved, my dear friend. :hug::hug::hug:

Nikki, I want you to know that in chat, there is a way you can private chat with just one person that you choose, if you want. And the names of the rooms don't mean anything. Sometimes it is "Dog Chat". Now I wonder who brings up that subject???

And I can ask Doc to make a permanent room if y'all want.

:grouphug:

hi nik,

I hope you got some sleep last night.

This is such a tough and raw subject but I bet you are opening eyes and stopping folks that were thinking about "IT"

(((BIG HUGS)))

:grouphug:

(((Nikki))) Waaaay to soon to feel anything akin to forgiveness, or to feel acceptance....now that cocoon is wearing off...the one that has protected you from the reality of what he's done to you all. And anger takes center stage. ~sigh

Like you, my dear neighbor is facing the one year anniversary of her son killing himself (March 12th). I had an email from her saying that she'd gone to get her hair cut and the stylist asked her how many children she has and she lost it completely, broke down sobbing in the chair. :( Of course then she felt terrible for the woman who couldn't stop apoligizing.

Suicide is an awful, awful legacy to leave your loved ones. :(

Keep talking to us Nikki...that's why we're here. :grouphug:

I have been sitting here for a full two hours, staring at the screen trying to put to words the torture my mind is in.... I can't.

((Alffe)) I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo relieved to see you here tonight. You ground me:hug: I know that you know, and I don't feel so alone. Your poor neighbor, I think of her all the time. Even more so this week. :( She is blessed to have you in her life, as am I:hug:

I really appreciate all the hugs, support prayers and love from ALL of you :hug: I don't know how I would have survived this year without you:hug:

I feel so full of overpowering emotions..... and yet I feel empty at the same time. Such contradictions to be feeling simultaneously.

I'm not suicidal. I will never to do to my family what Dad has done. It is not even a option to think on now. I hurt like hell, I don't want to be here. I truly want nothing more than to end Lynn's hell and go with him.

I wonder sometimes, if people can look down on us from Heaven?

Sometimes, it pains me to think of how devastated Dad would be if he could see the pain he has inflicted on all who love him. I wonder how it must effect him, to see that he has destroyed my life?
His families lives....

Other times I think, everyone says you can't feel pain in Heaven... and then I think, now how unfair is that? His pain has ended, yet look at all the pain he has left behind. Then I feel guilty. The very last thing I want is for Dad to feel pain.

I talk to him all time. No two conversations are ever the same. At times, I cry, rant and scream at him. Other times I beg him to come take me with him. Still other times, I whisper words of love and let him know he will always be my hero.

Yet, every conversation always ends the same ..... no matter how mad I am, I always tell him how much I love him. Then I fall apart. Then comes the question that I know in my heart and soul will ALWAYS haunt me.... until I draw my very last breath, I will always ask.....WHY Dad????? Damn it WHY????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It isn't as simple as asking why he killed himself. That why, is a loaded question.......

Why didn't you let me know?

Why didn't you call me, instead of pulling that trigger?

Why didn't you give me a chance to help you?

Why didn't you let me at the very least say goodbye?

Why didn't you reach out for help? (like you taught me!)

Why didn't you stay and fight? (like you taught me!)

Why didn't you love me enough stay?

Why did you pick the day after your sons birthday?

Why did you shoot yourself right outside the front door?

Why did you make it so we had to see what you had done?

There are many more whys too personal and graphic to post.....

Even more haunting than the whys, are the WHAT IF questions...

It is the what if's that have the power to destroy ones very soul. People say you can feel your heart break. I am here to tell you, you can also feel your soul breaking.

Nikki, please know that you are on my mind, and in my prayers.

I'm glad that Lynn is settling in and the move is causing you a little less pain. We understand some of how you feel, but what we do understand is how strong you have been Nikki. Things will get better. The worst is over now, and Lynn will settle more, and soon your visits will be enjoyable instead of you leaving every day with a pain in your heart.

He's in a safe place now Nikki. Please know that you've done the right thing. It's what Lynn would have wanted. :hug:


Also...... we, your friends, know that you have an anniversary date coming up soon and please remember that everyone of us here will be there to hold your hand, and to dry your tears. We will loan you a shoulder to lean on should you feel the need. We will listen to your words of woe if you have any of those to say. We will hold you in our hearts and we will hold you in our arms. Even if there's distance between us in mileage, there will be no distance in love.

You will get through this Nikki, and we will be here to help you do it..

We care Nikki. We are all here for you. :hug:

My heart goes out to you, Nikki. You must be a very strong person. I admire you.

Dear Nik-Key
 

I feel your pain. We are on earth to bear each others burdens,so what you are doing is bringing healing. Anger is part of the process of healing,and I don't think that you will have it very long.

It's good that you are not pinning it up in yourself. It's good to get these things out in the open with us who care about you. I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. BF:hug::hug::hug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXHFIuW64S4



David

God this subject is so hard so distressing...............give us all the strength to support and not judge...............because all plans in theory are made by you...therefore all anger.......and ..un-answered questions should therefore come your way, for yoUr wisdom and explanation.............

ps:....... remind ME why you dropped free will in our laps.......and was this just A sick get out clause?

dont worry YOU.... all........... under freedom of speech...............i can question god....nature........and Science....why?............because i have FREE WILL = BESTOWED BY GOD... to make the right and/or wrong choices........................................

i just pray the 2 footprints in the dust beneath me are you carrying me again lord........................................

((Koala)) Thank you for the lovely post and for remembering Lynn:hug: I DO know you and everyone else is here for me and I appreciate it greatly:hug:Thank you too, for you help earlier today, meant a great deal to me dear friend:hug:

((Barbo)) ((Steve)) thank you:hug:

((David)) God and I are not on speaking terms at the moment. But, I do thank you for the video.:hug: I have always understood what you are saying about free will and choices.

I also understand suicidal thoughts. I personally think it is normal to have these thoughts. I imagine most of the population at one time or another has had them. Major or traumatic events, chronic pain, etc..these things lead to depression, and these thoughts, if left untreated lead to suicidal thoughts. It is a vicious cycle.

As much as I understand having the thoughts, it is completely different when one actually takes their life. I don't expect anyone to understand this. Unless you have lost someone you deeply love to suicide, you can't.

As much as I understand free will and choices......Through my pain,
I can only see Dad's choice was the wrong one, and a very selfish one.

I don't judge others on a whole. It is something I take pride in. But when someone does something, that greatly impacts MY life, like Dad's suicide... I figure I damn well earned the right.

His pain has ended, yet he left every single person who loved him in insurmountable grief.

He thought to end the hell that was haunting him. What he couldn’t see….
Is now, a new and certain hell, lives in every single person he left behind.
A hell, he inflicted upon us.

How can anyone rationalize that is ever ok?

How can one justify ending one persons pain, when it leaves so many others in a living hell?

As you can gather, I am not in a good place right now… I think I will leave before I say something I shouldn’t

Nik-key I'm seeking information. You said that your dad was outside the door when he pulled the trigger. Are you sure that he wasn't murdered,and made to look like a suicide. If this bothers you please,please forgive me. This crossed my mind earlier when I was reading one of your posts.

My favorite Uncle was murdered when he was locking his Supermarket door. He was leaving. It was reported that three people came up to him,and they reached around his back,and put a gun to his chest,and pulled the trigger. When I found out it was a horrible shock. He loved life,and was even in WWII,and injured in Italy,but survived. My dad was in WWII also,mostly in the islands.

I was around twenty when my uncle was shot. They think it was the rowdy people who he kicked out of the store earlier. This left something like a void in the family. It's been there for many years,but the grief subsided. It left a big mystery,and why did this happen?

Again,I was just wondering,since he was outside the door,and not inside from what I could interpret that you said. I hope this doesn't upset you in me asking this question. BF:hug::hug::hug::Heart::hug::hug::hug:

((Steve)) I am sorry to hear of your uncles horrible death, it must have been very hard on your family:hug:

I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would hear myself say this, but...
I wish to God he had been murdered.

Edit* because that sounds so harsh. I wish more than anything that Dad was still here with us!!!
But, of the two... being murdered, or killing himself. The pain, would be less if he had been murdered by someone else... other than himself.

But, no... there is no mistake or question, Dad killed himself, with his own rifle.



http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l...ey-crying5.gif

Well I just could not hit the thanks button on that post. (((Nikki)))
Mr.Alffe was so sure that someone had killed our Michael because "he wouldn't do something like that." And my neighbors husband said the exact same thing about their son. The police were kind enough to "investigate"...and it was a kindness because there was no doubt about it.

The woman moderator at that support group I attended, did have her son murdered and she said some of the same stigma suicide survivors feel, accompanies a murder...people "wonder" about who your family member associates with....etc. ~sigh

The questions and anger and sadness and what-if's remain, although time has dampered the volume. (in regards to my husband and brother)

I pray that you will feel the love and support that is here in this place and that is there in your "real" world just when you need it.

I ache for you as I read your posts and their responses.

How tragic for you and your family. How awful that you must continue to endure the acute pain that Act inflicts on the surviving family members. That final decision. I just shake my head in wonder. I marvel that he would do that when he was SO loved by you and others. He must have been in such personal pain at that moment and not thinking clearly.

I have no doubt he regrets leaving you suddenly and prematurely. If he has caught a glimpse of all the anguish he caused, I'm certain it haunts him. How could it not? Who can count how many times he has wanted to take you in his arms and say, "I'm so very sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"

I pray you will be comforted by our loving Father in heaven. I pray your anger will diminish so that you CAN be comforted. I pray that you will get so tired of carrying your heavy burden that you will finally allow Him to help you. I pray that you will feel that special peace that comes when you allow Heavenly Father back into your life. And I pray for Lynn to adjust to his new home away from home.

May God's choicest blessings be upon you and others who share the pain of losing a beloved one. :hug::hug::hug:

((Alffe)) I know. :hug:

The police chief is my brothers life long best friend. He was the first on "scene". Dad lives in the town right next to us, maybe 15 minutes away. He drove to the school where my brother works to tell him in person. I think on that, how hard that must have been for him to do. I will always be grateful for his compassion and support.

Then my brother came and told me. I didn't believe him. I kept screaming NO! NO!! But in my heart, I knew. Hysterical and in shock, I was hitting at him, yet he still picked me up off the floor. He held me and through sobs kept saying, it's true Nikki, God help us it's true. God that scene STILL plays in mind so clearly! Torturous, in slow motion.

I did have to call my Mom and ask her if it was true! She and my step sister where home when he did it. They heard the shot and ran out. I was hysterical and in shock, I HAD to go to his house. I knew he was dead, yet at the same time, I couldn't believe it. I still can't. I needed proof. I got it.

I then had to call 4 of my 7 siblings. Damn but those were hard calls to make. How do you ever tell someone something like that? And over the phone no less. You know you are just about to destroy their world... and you are not there to wrap them in your embrace.

Telling my sisters was the hardest. I could only speak one word at a time. In my pain I could not dress up the truth with kind words. I was in shock, I was sobbing and I told them flat out, Dad just killed himself........

My poor sister, my twin who lives with me... She was out of town with a friend.....after I told her she kept saying he did not!!! it was an accident. It had to be an accident! *sigh. She did that for the longest time. She knew the truth, but it was too much for her mind to take *sigh

It is too much for any mind to take :Sob:

.................................................. ........................................

((Moss)) I DO feel the love and support here, it helps me tie those knots to hang on:hug:

((Twink)) your post was beautiful, moving, and made me cry. Not always a bad thing. :hug:

Much love my friends:hug:

Nik-Key
 

I'm so sorry. Many hugs. Many hugs. Lots of hugs. I pray:smileypray:for angels to be with you,to help you through this emotional crisis. I'm so sorry. I hope that your despair eases up a bit. I hope you feel better soon. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I lost my sister in law to suicide back in 99. It was the hardest thing to wrap my mind around, which I still don't get it. The harder part was telling my kids and trying to explain the unexplainable to them.

My nephew (same family) was murdered last year. That was also a very difficult thing to tell my kids. He was a young 22 at the time and was shot in cold blood. Yes there is a stigma with that too as to questions such as who he hung out with. He did not know the punk who shot him.

So while both deaths were very difficult to deal with, when it came to my nephew we had someone to be angry at. Hard to explain as I was mad at my SIL but in a different way...Sue

You put it so well Sue...how to explain the unexplainable. I lost a son to suicide and he left an eight year old son of his own behind. That's one reason I was so angry at him....I understand that you don't "get it"...it's a common reaction I get from people.

Why on earth would someone "choose" death when there's always the hope that things will change, improve.

I don't believe he "thought" about it...he just acted impusively but of course I'll never know for sure.

I'm so sorry for your losses. :grouphug:

sue, I am so glad you finally let it out...((((BIG HUGS))))

nik, see the doors you've opened? :)

((((BIG HUGS))))

to everyone :grouphug:

Moi, it was the right time...Sue

:hug::hug::hug: nik :hug::hug::hug: