Live free of toxic people: Article from internet
 

Hi,
I thought that I would check in and see how people manage their moods.
Here is something I ran across tonight. Some of these strategies help me.

I know that we can't follow all suggestions for healthy living but it helps me to be aware of techniques.

I keep looking for and collecting other strategies.



http://www.intent.com/blog/2009/02/2...shake-bad-mood
Some of the article is bogus but I found value in this part:

1.
2.
3.
-->>I'm pretty good at number 1.

The 8 years of something close to CBT helped. The tdoc helped me learn to stay away from other people who are less than helpful. I am pretty good at this most of the time.
I'll even go to great lengths to stay away from people -- to the point of near rudeness. The heck with them. I value control over my own moods. Hubby and I have had to each either sever ties with relatives or severely reduce contact with them. So there can be a huge cost involved, but the advantage can outweigh the down side.


-->>I'm working on number 2.
I find reading news on the internet is less bad than watching it on tv or reading it in the paper. I can read the first few hundred words of an article (enough to be informed) and then move on to a fun site.
Much of the news is repeatition anyway and not necessary to keep up with every day.


-->>Number 3 is my focus right now.
I think I can benefit from more (any) meditation and some exercise.


Can you tell that I am a little concerned about going back to work on Monday after having a week off? I am trying to prepare myself and focus on the people I like interacting with.

M.

Your topic caught my eye Mari because I deal with toxic people at work all the time. All I want to do is stay away from them but you have to work with them everyday or else most likely get fired. And in today's economy that's not a smart move.

I found this article on EHow, I spend a lot of time here. ;) I hope this helps you at least a little. I live by #3, keep my distance and close off my cubicle to outside distractions as much as possible.

http://www.ehow.com/how_4770560_deal...ople-work.html

I hope you have a good day at work tomorrow Mari. I'll be thinking of you. :hug:

Thank you Mari and Thumper.

I of course have toxic neighbors which I need to work on to make sure I distance myself. I've already given up family.

barbara

Great Thread Mari! ... and
 

Thanks Mari for those snippets and for starting this thread.

Thumper that is a great article too...

i have a bit of an issue with step 7. perhaps it is just the way it is put. many of these toxic people are in fact narcissists or have strong narcissistic traits. one of the dangers of their influence is indeed for us to start taking responsibility for their acts. changing in response to that i would see as victim behavior. i could relate to step 7 more if it was expressed as a more calculated and self-protective measure, exercised in moderation. sure, if you notice the person can't stand red, maybe don't wear red.... as often. but wear it sometimes - if it's a color that becomes!

we should not tweak ourselves only to suit narcissists. truly toxic ppl will always find something else they don't like. i see that step 7 as a bit of a never ending story. it reminds me of how a woman who is victim of domestic abuse might curtail how she dresses to go out, the makeup she wears, the friends she sees, the places she visits... to avoid the wrath of the abuser. suppose a "toxic" person resents the fact that you don't dress sexy or flirt with them? gonna start swingin' yer hips at them? YEARRIGHT. NOWWAY! i'm not sure if i'm getting across.

ok, i think there is an important point in step 7... somewhere... but... ok... "you are part of the problem" ... hmmmmm...

my issues:

we are not responsible for the behavior of another person toxic or otherwise, even if our behaviors may be triggers. a trigger is not a cause and we do not own others' triggers.

we should not give up our integrity or mask our personality in an effort to "defuse" toxic people.

Now, on the one hand, if our work demeanor could use genuine improvement (suppose we use bad language), and the improvement might seem to trigger less toxicity, by all means change that! but changes made should not be themselves toxic, demeaning, or too restrictive to us. Otherwise or we are not really improving the situation, only changing its manifestation from the receipt of externally abusive reactions to internal stress... until the toxic person finds somethin' else to freak out about and it spirals... a cycle that often occurs also in domestic violence.

Would you guys agree? Barbara, i'm really curious what you think given your experiences...

~ waves ~

Barbara I'm so sorry about your neighbors. I don't know about them but try to keep all those toxic energies out of your life. I spend most of my time removing all those toxic energies out of my home. Toxic emotions left to linger and reside in your home keep your life on hold and lead to stagnancy.

If my neighbors are noisy or troublesome rather than obsessing negative thoughts about them which only pulls their negative energies more easily into my home I will send only healing energies back to them.

Waves I totally agree with you on #7. I'll be back later to reply better. I just just diagnosed with MS in Nov and had a flare in Jan and was put on IV steroids. I put on 5lbs and can't get if off. I decided to buy myself a Wii and Wii Fit. I'm determined to do this even though I feel like a drunken sailor half the time. :o

Here is #7
 

Thanks, Thumper2, :)

I have 2 comments about this.

1.
I did have a narcissistic boss for 7 years.
And it was exactly like abuse.
My immediate group is very smart and very supportive of each other. We did our best to stay out of her way and dealt with her gingerly when we could not. We survived. Others outside my group did not. At the time, people in my group were aware that we had adopted some of the roles of children in dysfunctional families. But because we stuck together, we were able to keep sane about the whole thing. Also, my group became much less of a target for her craziness than other groups did.

My current boss is horrible but she is not a narcissist. She is just incompetent, mean, and works very hard to cover her short comings.
I completely stay out of her office and let others in my group deal with her.

I was offered her job two years ago (before it was offered to her) and turned it down. Sometimes she talks privately about how hard the job is.
She really is a moron and I am glad that I can say it here.


2.
I have noticed that a few people have exactly the same kind of bad boss no matter where they work. As they move around from job to job they take their pattern of boss/ worker relationship with them and recreate it at the next place.
So sometimes it helps to be reflective and notice if people are recreating patterns that they established in childhood. It's pretty self-defeating to keep making new people into difficult people.

M.

Hi, Thumper!
 

Dear Thumper,
That is an important point.
I work on keeping toxic energies out of my home too.
It needs to be a safe and healing place.

I struggle with keeping it clean and organized --- every once in a while I make some headway --- but beyond that, I do feel that it is a good place for me.

M.

I've got a medication hangover and can not think too good at the moment to comment much. I can put enough thougts together though to say that as someone who has been abused I tend to maybe feed into the toxic peoples's ways of triggering me to the point of reliving a type of shell shock syndrome. I am use to being appeasing to these types of narcissisits while face to face with them as to instinctively diffuse what I see as worse to come if I don't. Yea, they can see that in my facial expressions and comments I'm sure.

Now I just re read you comments Waves. I did cut off my freindship with a male neighbor of mine thinking if I didn't it would make the situation between my next door neighbor and me worse. So I did change my way to suit her which is what she wanted I'm sure to start with. I gave up and changed my behavior.

barbara

Barbara
 

Your situation with your neighbors is complex, and it is hard to tell where loyalties lie, they seem very fickle, as far as i have heard. support seems elusive at best even from ppl you were friendly with there it seems. and if that woman has influence over the others, you certainly cannot change that.

So, i would not be so quick to judge your action as giving in to what that woman wants, wrt cutting ties with your other neighbor. You do need to be very careful right now. There is an open case, threats were made, and i think it is good for you to trust your instincts.

If you are not sure someone is trustworthy especially right now amongst those neighbors, then not trusting them is prudent, not weak.

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy from your meds. Talk to you soon.

:hug:

~ waves ~

Dear Befuddled,

Those two articles were talking about healthy people dealing with toxic people.

It is different for someone who is still in the process of becoming healthy -- it might even be completely different.
You are still in recovery. Be gentle with yourself.


Mari

Edited to add:
I just saw Waves' post. She is right on.

Also, a neighbor problem is not the same thing as a work problem. We live with our neighbors.

more on step 7
 

Perhaps the author had that in mind when writing step 7. In these cases, however, the bothersome people, while referred to in step 7 as "toxic" may only be toxic-so-to-speak... to us, whereas there are individuals who are abusive or generally difficult to deal with for just about everyone in the work place. Difficulty experienced by most or everyone pretty much differentiates a "personal conflict" from dealing with a generally toxic individual.

However, between the rest of the article (including "toxic" characteristics discussed), the use of the term "toxic" in step 7, and the suggestions on altering even one's appearance... i interpreted the section ... as per my first post.

------------
However, concept-wise, I would take Mari's last bit one step further:
"So sometimes it helps to be reflective and notice if people are recreating patterns that they established in childhood. It's pretty self-defeating to keep making new people into difficult people."
I think we all project childhood roles on others and not just in the workplace, so I would say this is worthy of reflection in all our relationships.

~ waves ~

Thank you Waves and Mari.

I just try to realize how these toxic energies can enter my home and I try to keep them out Mari. If I need to talk to a friend who is upset or distressed I try to talk to her in a Starbucks or a park. Even if someone calls me and it's a stressful call, I'll walk outside to keep the bad energy outside.

I think I might have a little OCD when it comes to keeping my home clean and organized. I go on these binges where I go through everything and start throwing stuff out. I vacuum my carpet everyday, dust and clean the bathrooms all before I go to work. I must confess, and it was said on Oprah once, that people who like to see the lines the vacuum cleaner make are obsessive-compulsive. I do love to see those lines. :o

Dear Thumper,
Lines sound good to me. So what if you are on one end of the cleaning spectrum and like to see the lines. (Ignore the experts on Orpah for this one.)
It is wonderful that you protect your home so fiercely.

That makes sense to me -- that you want your home to be clear and peaceful.

M.

That's what a life coach said to me once and it's stuck in my head. :D

Have a good day and work and try to not let things get to you. :hug:

I'm off to make some lines :p

outta here
 

Thumper i hope your fitness program helps - and fwiw, i like vacuum lines too.
Mari, hope you can keep avoiding your boss effectively and work isn't being too rotten overall.
Befuddled... good luck and be careful with your neighbors.

where applicable i thank who has acknowledged me or my comments and for engaging conversation and ...

where applicable thank who has scarcely bothered to acknowledge my comments or engage in what i had to say.

dunno why i even bothered. no, actually i do know why i bothered - because i thought it was a good topic, because i cared and because i actually thought my contributions were astute and worthwhile. i also hoped for a more engaging conversation, that's part of why i bothered too. well perhaps my hopes were too high, i cared too much, or expected too much and that is bad news for me so i'm outta here.

i'm not deleting my posts since who knows other readers or lurkers could still, even unbeknonwst to me, find them illuminating.

party on without me.

Are monkeys and rabbits related?

I don't like bad memories being made in my home either. I LOVE my Dyson. :D

My home is my comfort zone. I want others to feel comfortable too. To feel at home and don't have to ask to reach in the cookie jar. :)