In the throes of it...
 

"It is hard to believe, when we are in the midst of heavy grief, that any good will come of this. We may resent any such suggestion - as though someone is trying to offer a palliative too soon, trying to proffer a "bright side" when the whole world is darkened.

It is true that we will never be "cured" - never restored to the being we were before. But we will not be forever bereft. A larger world will present itself, a picture whose frame has suddenly expanded, leapt out, to include more than we had known. And in the expanded sense of our own world will be the presence - and the absence - of the one we love. A more shadowed world, perhaps, but a more luminous world, too."

*********Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

When I read this passage in the daily mediatations this morning I thought about something moi said to me...about wanting to know more about our Michael and what he was like...interests...etc.

In the hot tub, under the stars last night we got to "remembering"...it's amazing how much you remember and how much you forget. I loved being asked Moi, thank you! I'll work on it. *grin

Remember not only what you lost,

but let your heart be warmed by what you had.

dear woman,

when i first read this, it brought tears to my eyes...

whenever you're ready...i am all ears to listen about those wonderful memories....

:hug:

(((Alffe))) thanks again, for sharing 'meditation' and your thoughts....

yes, its is amazing how much can forget but also how much remembered.....


for me, right now, in the midst of that heavy grief -- too many painfull memories haunt & taunt.... it is hard to believe that any good will come of it...
'absence" casts dark shadows in my world,
know will never be cured, or 'restored"- as it was before
but believe that healing can occur

possibility that a 'larger' world will present that includes more , than known before, is also hard to believe right now too... but HOPE it can & will

Blessings

Quote..."for me, right now, in the midst of that heavy grief -- too many painfull memories haunt & taunt.... it is hard to believe that any good will come of it...
'absence" casts dark shadows in my world,
know will never be cured, or 'restored"- as it was before
but believe that healing can occur

possibility that a 'larger' world will present that includes more , than known before, is also hard to believe right now too... but HOPE it can & will" unquote

Pono...that day will come when you remember the good times and you will cherish those memories. You will heal from your anger and disappointment and from the loss. There is no time table for how long it takes on the journey of grief...we all are different. It's hard to care about the flowers pushing up even though we know we are supposed to identify spring with new beginnings...the rebirth. And then too the Easter season is just around the corner and all that joy we know we are supposed to be feeling.

What you need to do is just what you have been doing. One day at a time with the knowledge that you will "get there" and that you aren't alone..we are right beside you and it's ok to stumble, to cry, to ask why.... :grouphug:

Uff.... Im here with my kleenex......... Thanks Alffe.

That's what Im trying to realize everyday... Day by day I try to believe that so I can be happy....

Thank you.

Pono: You just described how Im feeling right now.... :( Ah... Breathe.

it is a day by day and even moment to moment process...
. . trying to deal with Losses, get thru the pain & grief, and more ...

while it is hard to believe , from this view here now, that a larger world will present that includes more
i too 'fighting' to maintian that hope

good luck w/ yours....
Blessings

(((Alffe)))) :hug: thanks again

this Journey...getting thru...this process..of grief, Loss, so painfull....hard

yes, it is difficult to really 'care' or see the beauty & messages of the flowers, of spring-- for me doesn't feel like season of Rebirth....
but every beginning has an end; and every end a beginning.... yin/yang of Life...

i do feel there can, will be 'healing' --- i'm so grateful that you, and others, are here reaching out with Love
'reminding"
i do feel very alone.... and get stuck in emotions, pain, more... that i don't understand or can't 'see' right now...
you are an inspiration , and 'proof'
thanks
Blessings

I understand pono that you feel that you are alone...that you get stuck in pain and emotions..I too was stuck for far too long because I refused to talk about my feelings. Try to remember that the antidote to depression is to surround yourself with people who care.

We care...a real life hug would be better than this one I leave you but mine to you is very heartfelt. :hug:

((Pono)) I hear you loud and clear:hug: Keep talking and sharing dear friend. We are all here for you. I am here for you:hug:

God, how I wish that day would come! Thank you for sharing this ((Alffe)):hug:
I too would dearly love to hear about your beloved Michael:hug:

I honestly don't know why this is proving so difficult for me to do but I'm finding it somehow very revealing and I think moi knew it would be. :confused:

Have I made him bigger than life? Has he become my life? Would sharing him with you somehow diminish him for me? I still can't believe that I sent Mistiis his picture and he "became a Christmas ornament" ...:o

I think I need to work on this........

You don't have to if you don't want to Alffe. :hug:

It's hard to write about a person who has died. No matter how. If we post something negative..does it tarnish them? To me no..it makes them more human.

I loved my big brother. Idolized him. But boy howdy did I not like the way he treated girls in high school. We were close in age..so yep..he dated girls in the grade above me. Broke many hearts..on the same night. :eek: What a dog. It made him who he was. Gave me something to trease him about when he "grew up".

It is HARD, isn't it? :)

you don't have to write about it, dear Alpho. As curious said, it is hard. Good or bad.

but, sometimes, we get so consumed about thinking about the bad, that we tend to forget the good sometimes.

So, it is the THOUGHT itself that counts...

I think that's what Pter did...he made us all THINK...posting about it, well, that's another story and we're all different about how much or how little we all like to share.

You don't ever have to post about it, Alpho. But, I am so glad you thought about it. (And did tell me about it and it made me smile. :) )

~~~~~~~~~~
and thanks for sharing that bit about your bro, curious. :)
~~~~~~~~~~

in the grand scheme of life, it's all good....good or bad....as long as there is a balance...

((((BIG HUGS)))) for you all

Revealing...
 

is this work never 'done'?? this.. Process... of Grief... more 'touched"... in these posts, replys, but this really got to me..(((Alffe))) :hug:
don't know how to express and may be saying 'wrong' things again in 'wrong' place, or??:confused:
see now, that in my Grief pain. Losses... i 'latched' onto your post/words here and unitentionallly 'hi jacked' .thread... sorry...:o
your words, sharings help me to 'see' so much... that is hard

HOPE -- that "somehow" .. revealing .....
Blessings...
and more 'good tings' :hug:
(((Alffe))) whether you choose to keep 'private' or share.... more ....
know this work is revealing.. much...

thanks
...

(((pono))) You know that I hope to be a part of a survivors support group here in my town so I have been trying to get my hands on the "latest" information regarding grief...and surviving. I had so looked forward to attending a lecture last night ..the presenter was a psychiatrist and her talk was Confronting Grief; A Psychiatrist's Perspective.

Words fail me! The only thing I learned in that hour talk was "suicide is considered a complicated grief". I knew that before I walked in the room.
Oh, and I learned the MDD means Major Depressive Disorder. :wink:

And then my newsletter came from the support group in Wisconsin and I'd forgotten that it was the rememberance issue and that Michael was "in it" and I cried some happy tears.

One person wrote of their loss..."His life is not defined by the way he died or the day he died, rather by the days that I knew him."

Isn't that so true! :hug:

((Pono)) you didn't hijack a thread dear one:hug: You saw a post and had a reaction to it, that is why we are here!!:hug::hug:

I must admit, I had the same reaction as you to our ((Alffe's)) post. It will never be over. I know that.

But ((Alffe)) brings me such hope. For the one days, the some days... when the pain still there, never forgotten, is not so consuming... when I will be able to think of my Dad, the man he was.. and not just about how he died.

But, even without a death being suicide, the pain is always there. Your loss is so fresh ((pono)) added to so much other pain, physical and emotional.. it is beyond difficult, can feel almost impossible, to feel you can handle the weight of so much pain and grief. You can sweetie, you truly can:hug::hug:

We are all here to help you:hug: I am here, and I love you:hug: Keep talking and sharing, it is healing in it's own right. In all the replies we all send each other...It also, helps spread the light of hope:hug: Much love, Nikki

i truly believe talking about grief is the way to grieve...........its a process that has to come out either verbally or physically..............

That latter is violence or illness .....the former can be Anger, Guilt, Sadness, Remorse, or a combination of all.

until you experience grief...........you never know what will come out..........but it will one way or another...........

Alffe you have used your grief to fight a cause, and fight you do...and with extreme conviction ..........your Michael would be so proud of his Mum.

When we grieve we exhale feelings..........Empathetic people pick up on these feelings and help us heal............those with no empathay sadly await their own grief to restart the cycle.
Alffe remain the messenger you are.....for ever.......please...........

David

Oh David, now you've brought another woman to tears! What is it with you....*grin I think Mrs.David is a lucky lady. Thank you for the kind words...I'd like to think that Michael knows it's "because"....:grouphug:

Pter also had such a way with words...


"The eyes of a parent of a child whose death occurred due to suicide are eyes I have always had great difficulty looking into. I have found little difference here in the Forum. Your posts were ones I had great difficulty reading and I rarely responded to them. Why?...because there is a very thin line between a negative or positive understanding of words. My straight to the core manner would be unproductive for a person whose inner core had so recently experienced devastation.

I believe your son's death was an accident. I do not believe for a moment, having been his age and having walked in his shoes, that he understood that his solution would allow him no chance for further solutions. It was an accident. It is not just okay to say your son died due to a shooting accident...it is correct. The momentary action of a gun disallowed him the recourse of reaction with thought. I pray I haven't hurt you. "PTer

***************

And that made it possible for a lot of us, to begin again. The power of words..it still amazes me.

(((alffe and mralffe)))

I remember.

P.S. Edited to add. Weird you mentioned pter today.
I was in my kitchen and I had the tellie on and they were playing really old songs intermingled with the new ones. They played The Rainbow Connection.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fu...ideoid=2997986

:) Some day we'll find it,
The Rainbow Connection.

Edited again to add ('cause Im hyped up and can't sleep lol) that I wished we'd called the social chat The Rainbow Connection. However, I figured so many wouldn't really understand what that meant. The Lovers, The Dreamers... and Me.

I love that idea Lara...but Pter would have used this...http://kids.niehs.nih.gov/lyrics/rainbow.htm

And if we named it The Rainbow Connection..bluemajo could use her rainbow picture and maybe we could somehow have the song stickied and we'd show those Stumble Inn guys a thing or two....:p

I love the rainbow connection!! What a great name for the social chat.

For those who don't know the words....

"The Rainbow Connection"


Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.


Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.


All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...


Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.


Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,
La laa la la laa dee daa doo...

Thank you ((Lara)) what a great boost to my day:hug:

Thanks Lara and thank you Nikki, I never really new all the words to the song.

From some of the pm's I've gotten, I've confused some of you. *grin
PTer did not post that to me, but rather to a mother whose 16 yr. old son killed himself with a gun and she wondered if it was wrong of her to tell people it was an accident.

Michael was 31...old enough to know better however Pter insisted to me that it was an impulsive act..that had he but waited, it would have passed. And I found comfort in thinking that.

:grouphug:

My dear friend ((((Alffe)))). I love you. :heartthrob:

Thanks for that other link, alffe.
I couldn't find it when I went looking

:hug:

BMW LOVES this :Good-Post:
thanks everyone...
oh and Rainbow connection :circlelove:
two thumbs up

PEACE
BMW

I needed to say, I LOVE YOU GUYS !!!!

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug::hug::hug::hug:

:grouphug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZFkXQKCuBc


Walk towards the Sun[or Rainbow] AND all of lifes shadows will always remain behind you............................................... .....................:):):)


David

Thanks for that rope, David, think I'll just grab onto it.

Bless you, Alffe... for sharing Pter with us :Heart:

I wasn't around much in those days...

xoox

I have to ask how Sparkle is Addy.....:hug:

I have to bump this up.....

Well, my sister Sparkle is doing good... thanks for asking! :o good grief... as I just realized that had I answered this post in 2009 - I would have had a much different answer.

She manages to keep the suicide demon at bay despite some life rockin' experiences in the past 2 years. I think life has given her pretty tough "opportunities" to grow and I'm very proud of her. That said, she drove me freaking nuts :eek: when I lived in the same town as her during 2009!

She is very private so its difficult for her to participate here. She has no interest in this since those experiences we had back in the day. We both respect each others decisions as to why I've continued here and she hasn't. :hug:

And all THAT said... where is pono??? or Niki!!!! and our dear Moi... how you are all missed.... so to read your wisdom once again is so beneficial... reminds and warms my :Heart:

and dearest Alffe... :hug: I learn more from you every day - by reading, again... what you wrote before...

:grouphug: