A Life Changing Revelation
 

I know I haven't been around in what feels like forever......I have been thinking about you all.:grouphug: I have lurked once or twice but I felt I needed to just back away and stop reading so many triggering posts until I could get my head on straight.

After my last session with my tdoc I really got something.....I’ve joined the human race. It may seem like a no brainer but when all your years growing up you bought into the idea that you were subhuman, everyone was better than you, everything you did was shameful, etc....you have it imprinted not only on the brain but inside your heart. After Mark did what he did I couldn’t live up to my dad’s expectations and from that day on I despised myself. My tdoc has been telling me over and over that I’m worth it and I sort of got it in my brain but not in my heart.

Since everyone was supposed to be better than me and I was always striving to be good/perfect which of course was impossible, I continually was surprised when people did mean things, never really understanding why it shocked me. I get it now, it challenged my thoughts actually about who I am and that everyone is better.

I used to sometimes just hate the idea of human beings, how mean, etc.....that so many people just betray others......the cruelty, etc. but my tdoc kept talking about the good and bad in each of us, that people are just being people and yes you will be hurt sometimes, many times.

I really get it now, and the weight is lifted from me. I don't need to constantly try to be perfect, I don't feel betrayed by others and I do not have to take it personally. I can do good things, bad things and anything in between, I am not perfect and I am just trying to get by in this world the best I know how, like everyone else. When others fail, gossip, lie, do things not so nice, like my coworkers, I do not have to feel surprised or betrayed because humans fail. Humans have a vast array of capabilities within themselves, some are good and some are not so good. And I’ve come to accept that. More importantly I have to love myself.

I think I had lost some compassion for others. I think I got it back, and I also have a new found compassion for myself as well. I have 3 more ECTs to go and I think all my hard work is paying off. I was really struggling and was using SI as a way to punish myself. My pdoc suggested another series of ECTs and I agreed because it helped before. I hate them and hate the headaches but I’m still alive, that’s how bad I felt.

I’ll struggle with this from time to time but it is something I just got in my heart, not just my head. It puts a whole new slant on life and people.

Dear BJ,
http://bestsmileys.com/cheering/1.gif http://bestsmileys.com/cheering/1.gif http://bestsmileys.com/cheering/1.gif

It is great to hear you sounding well.
Yes, we have a vast array of capabilities in ourselves.

I'm so happy to hear that you are feeling compassion toward yourself.

M.

Good BJ
 

I am so glad to hear that you are doing better. BF:hug::circlelove::)

BJ

Love your attitude. And really love the fact you are learning to love yourself.

Way to join the world.

Donna

Dear BJ
 

I hope that you had a nice Easter. BF:hug::hug::hug:

BJ,

It is a long hard road to recovery from that kind of past. I'm glad to hear you doing so well now.

barbara

I've been doing a lot of reading and I found a great quote:

“Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live” by Dorothy Thompson

I came across a great article this weekend that I knew I was meant to read. It expressed everything that I felt to be true in my heart about life. It was simple yet concise. My favorite is #9.

http://virtual-notes.blogspot.com/20...man-being.html

I finally realize that hard work does pay off. I'm seeing the end of this long battle with the beast. I'm worn to the bone but I am worth it. I have two more treatments, 3 more weeks of physical therapy on my knee, and 2 more days until tax season is over. I've been working 12 hours a day, seeing my tdoc, going to PT but it feels good, tired but good. And Friday I'm going to the Big Apple with my church to see Jersey Boys. I've been wanting to see that for so long so I'm treating myself.

I hope you had a good Easter too Friend. I just went to church and spent some quiet time with Hooper and took her to the park. :hug::hug:

Dear BJ,
I like #9 too. Also #11. I find myself returning to things that I thought I had already learned (and mastered ) once or twice.

A big congratulations on your progress!
http://bestsmileys.com/happy/5.gif http://bestsmileys.com/happy/5.gif http://bestsmileys.com/happy/5.gif :heartthrob: http://bestsmileys.com/happy/5.gif http://bestsmileys.com/happy/5.gif http://bestsmileys.com/happy/5.gif


This is amazing. You are accomplishing big things for yourself.

And seeing the Jersey Boys in New York City is great way to celebrate the end of tax season.


M.

I haven't read # 9 or 11 yet. But I had to comment BJ you are truely
a inspiration today. I was reading something you posted to Mari earlier
and it just lifted my spirits so much to hear you sounding so good.

And to come to this thread and hear more is even so much better.

I can tell you right now I come sometimes just to see if you have posted something uplifting or sounding like you have a smile on your face.

I am loving that you sound so alive.

You deserve to live to the fullist. So do.

Donna:hug:

Awesome!!!!!! You sound so happy, so alive..and are very inspiring.
Yes, hard work does pay off.
I think many of us have been observing your progress.
What a kind spirit you are to post your "findings" along the way.
You are a giving soul.
What is SI? I'm not sure of this abbreviation.
Bottom line...you "get it." You've found compassion for yourself and others. You are willing to accept life's foibles...made peace with this.
You are moving forward. Accomplishing great things!
Wishing you continued blessings.

BJ, I am so happy to read your thread about the improvements you've made. You sound like a Very likeable/loveable person to me. :hug:

My tdoc told me to download Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston and listened to it over and over. She kept asking me if I “got it”. This went on for weeks and I wasn’t getting what she wanted me to hear. Finally one day I was sitting at my desk at lunch listening to it on my IPod and the words she wanted me to hear burst out and I got it:

I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I had a session after work that night and she was so proud of me for getting it. Now I have to, like she says, “Fake it till you make it”. She used the analogy of a glass of water. If I keep giving without refilling it will soon run dry. So I need to refill, recharge. And the biggest issue for me was all the self-talk. I’m trying to silence my harsh inner critic. When I make a mistake I’m trying to stop saying things like, "That was so stupid! ... I can't do anything right! ... What a loser!" I’m replacing these negative messages with more positive ones. For example, "I made a mistake. That's okay: I'll know better the next time."

She had me make up some positive affirmations while I was there and she told me to put them on my refrigerator, my nightstand, my computer monitor at work, my bathroom mirror, any place where I will see them every day. It was hard but she helped me write them…..I am loving, caring, and worthy of love" and "I am powerful and self-confident"

BTW, SI is self injure and I’m on day 15, haven’t even had the urge.:yahoo: My tdoc said I should reward myself for working so hard. That’s why I decided to go on the bus trip to NYC and see Jersey Boys. :D

Enjoy the Jersey Boys BJ.

You definately deserve it.

YOu are awesome, and don't forget it.

Donna

Amen sister!
Learning to love yourself...it's the greatest gift of all!

Negative self talk...no more!

Positive affirmations are here to stay!

All these things lead to great inner strength. When we "refill" our cup continously...our cup can run over.
And when it runs over...we can easily and happily give to others. Life is good.

This is the message I hope to help others with. This is the message you are learning/have learned.
I am smiling from ear to ear!

You totally rock!

Thats good BJ. You are of infinite value,and you have talents that will make the world better. It sometimes takes awhile to know this.

Deep,deep down you will know this,and it will be real. You will be standing up on the inside,and you will get to where your going.

He will perfect the good work that he started in you until the day of Christ Jesus.

We may have slumps where we don't feel like we will make it,but that is just temporary. We may have a few horrible pits that we have to crawl out of,but you will make it. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Dear Friend,
I have observed that in many ways people can indeed bring their wishes into their lives.
Keep up good wishes.

M.

Dear BJ. Thanks for the SONG
 

Dear BJ,

What a great song.
I just listened to it on youtube! :Music 2:


Here is a glass of water for you.
It helps me to visualize things.
I might have come home after that sessioin and filled up all the glasses in my house with water and set them up around the kitchen or some other safe spot.
It helps me to have concrete things like that in my line of site to remind me what I am working on that week.
Do what works for you. Maybe cut out pictures and put them on a Bulletin board.
Or draw / paint your own.

In the meantime, I like your tdoc's idea about constantly refilling the glass. Water is a good symbol because is so important to us. Our other needs are vital too.
When we are feeling well, we remember those needs and surround ourselves in abundance.
Sometimes when we are out of sorts, we need reminding and assistance with remembering what is vital for living good days. You seem on track for remembering!!! :)
M.


http://i372.photobucket.com/albums/o...of-water-1.jpg

It's funny Mari because when I did come back from that session I filled glasses of water and put them around the house to remind me that my glass is full and I can't let it get empty again. Just keep refilling it and I'll be okay. It might sound stupid but I have to do what I feel in my heart.

We've been working a lot on my trust issues. I've been hurt too many times by words, thoughts and she said I need to learn how to trust again instead of retreating within myself. I need to let people in my life, even though they will hurt me at times, I need to trust that people make mistakes, people will hurt me but we're all human and it's not good for me to put this wall up around me and not let anyone in. I'm alone and most times I don't mind. But how can you be in a crowded room and feel alone? That's what I need to work on. And it's all a trust issue and I have to work on that.

Another thing I have on my bulletin board that she wants me to remind myself of all the time:

• Trust that its OK to let go
• Trust your intuition more often
• Trust there is something better out there for you
• Trust that when you are stuck in traffic it is for a very good reason
• Trust that you have plenty of time, even if you think you are running out of time
• Trust that illness is simply your bodies ways of getting your attention
• Trust that worrying does not change the situation at all
• Trust that you have the energy and strength to carry on
• Trust that no matter how awful a situation is, there is a hidden blessing
• Trust you have a choice
• Trust the universe is there to support you
• Trust that everything is going to be OK

I've been reading a lot of the works by the Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh:

“When you calm your body & your emotions, you restore yourself, and restore peace to the world around you.”

I'm trying so hard to calm my emotions, calm my fears, calm my worries. Today, I'm forgetting about everything and going to NYC and see the Jersey Boys. A day for not a care in the world. Tax season is over, I made it through, I was commended on my work, how many hours I put in, my efficiency and more importantly to them my profitability.

If that glass starts to seem 1/2 empty....visualize it...then pour it into a smaller glass...right up to the top again. :hug:

Green Kool Aid was my fave as a kid. My mental glass is filled with green Kool Aid.

I'm glad you're back BJ. :hug:

That was a very sweet letter! I am so happy that you are feeling better! Good for you my friend. Larsy

Hello
 

Dear Larsy,
Hello.
It is good to hear from you.
M.

BJ

I love the words she had you put up.

I can see a couple of those that are true.

I know that I was ill for a reason, and I am getting better for a reason.

Next I know that when the bridge in Minnesota collapsed, I remember reading
that many people had been cursing the traffic. They were stuck in.

Until they realized if not for the traffic they would be in the water too, they
would have been traveling across the bridge. So they praised the traffic
instead.

I love it that your back.

Donna

Donna, this is wonderful. :)

I try to believe that I am always in exactly the right spot that I am supposed to be in.
Mari

BJ
 

It is wonderful to see you back, and with such touching messages. I am touched by your journey, and how far you've come...

Welcome back
here, and,
to your own heart.

I am on a journey too. We all are i guess. I feel i still have such a long way to go, even if i have come a long way.

You sound like a blossoming lotus flower... so beautiful... where you had been frozen in a deep painful dungeon.

I am glad you found your therapist to help you keep on the good road of your journey... but you are the one doing the walking, you are the one blossoming.

It so is good to see you emerging. And thank you for sharing - you bring hope.

You have brought me hope because i am at a difficult time in my life right now.

:hug:

~ waves ~

I remember when Bizi used to post here, gosh how I miss her, she always told me I was worth it, I was worth the fight. I ran away for a while to fight, to heal, to rejuvenate. I have a good team on my side and they've helped me through so many nights when I felt like it was just not worth going on.

I have a long way to go to Waves, I will stumble, I will fall but right now I'm enjoying life again. I hope in some way I can help you see your way through this :hug:

I had such a good time in the Big Apple. Jersey Boys was the best show I've ever seen and I've seen a lot. Well maybe not better than Phantom of the Opera. It brought back a lot of memories when I was just a kid and my mom playing these songs, life was so uncomplicated then. It did a number on my knee though all that walking. It blew up like a balloon so I've been trying to stay off it as much as possible.

Dear BJ,

That's great that you enjoyed the performance.

No one can replace Bizi, but I can tell you that you are wroth it. And you are certainly worth fighting for.
It sounds like you are finding what works for you.
M.

Mari is so right, no one can replace Bizi.

But you are definately worth it. And need to continue fighting.

And I just like many others have really enjoyed your words here.

Thanks for coming back.

Donna

Hi BJ,

I've been away from NT for awhile but I was reading tonight and I found this post. I was very interested in reading about your life changing revelation and I'm glad you are doing so well.

I have a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that I keep on my computer so I thought I would share it here.

Be yourself.
Life is precious as it is.
All the elements for your
happiness are already here.
There is no need to run,
strive, search or struggle.
Just be.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

:hug:

Dear Scrabble,
 

Hi, Scrabble,

I am a fan of Thich Nhat Hanh too!
I have one of his books near me somewhere -- I have not read it start to finish but I pick it up and open to wherever it opens and read a few pages whenever I think about it.

M.

One of my favorite quotes, that I have postied to my computer monitor at work is:

Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.

One of the things I'm working on with my tdoc is letting go of the past. She said I'm mentally and emotionally bonded to my past and I have to let go. It's like being in an emotional prison. Holding on, refusing to let go, unable to forgive. And if I don't let go, this behavior will steal my future. That's why I'm working so hard on letting go. It's gone, they're gone and I can't do a thing now to make things different. I only have my memories, my dreams.

Dear BJ,
This might sound weird, but I have no artifacts / no stuff from my past -- except for one box of letters from my childhood / teenager years that I received from my father when he was in the military and a best friend that I had moved away from.

If you looked around my apt, you would see nothing older than about 9 years old --except for some college books and some journals.

I have no photos, no mementos.

I have forgotten the details of the past except the overall arc. The arc is painful enough. I try not to think about it.


I have plenty to think about in the present and I have to think somewhat in the future in order to take care of basic planning (like preparing for hurricane season).

It is freeing to live in the present.
I am trying to work on that.

We each learn the best ways to cope.
And sometimes as the years go and as we make progress, we re-examine our coping ways and modify them.

You are doing well.
Maybe you don't have to completely drop the past.
But maybe you could lighten the grip on it a little.

And maybe you can find ways to embrace the present and make the present very real and important to you.

M.

The problem with me Mari I do have my past all around me and I don’t want to let go. How could you let go of the people you love? How can I let go of the memories, whether good or bad?

She told me I can deal with my pain or it will slowly destroy me. I need the courage to move on and be the whole person I know I can be. She told me that I can never truly feel the joy of today as long as I continue to process or make sense of the past.

I also have to let go of the anger. A lot of times I am so filled with anger that I feel helpless to do anything about it. When this happens I feel the anger turn inwards and that’s when I SI.

I know this won’t happen overnight. After years of having the hurt and anger bottled up inside, it’s hard to let these emotions go and allow the good positive feelings to take their place. I just have to keep forgiving and keep letting go. These emotions are terribly painful but there’s no way to heal except to go through it and feel the emotions. And I’m afraid to do that. This is when my tdoc gets so disappointed in me. This is where I’m stuck.

Dear BJ,

These are big changes you are asking of yourself.
I don't think you have to complete them all at once. Maybe take one little step. The other steps will follow.
Do you feel that you have already taken some little steps?

M.

BJ

I think you are doing them slowly. Changing the things to put them
in the past. And not near as important. When that happens sometimes
they are there but not a part of everyday life.

I think its what you are needing.

Donna

I honestly think I've made tremendous progress. Gosh I'm not where near like I was a while back. But there's these "things" inside that come and go. Maybe it's just stress. This is a terrible time period for me with Mother's Day, Father's Day and June 12th, the day I lost my brother. :(

I long for being able to get comfort from someone/something. I struggle really hard with this and most of my pain is about no comfort coming and inability to let comfort in. I just don’t know how to do it. It's all the self-loathing coming out.

I want what I hear others verbalize and I do try, I know the self comfort things to say to others but they don’t work with me. I know the fault is within me but I don’t know how to change it.

I know that wanting to change is the first step of changing, but what is the second? I do try to do comforting things - but they don’t work. The nearest I have come to comfort (I think) is when I have been in real bad emotional pain and someone here has heard me and written back almost immediately. I don’t even know what comfort would feel like. What does it feel like?

I think the ultimate comfort is having faith that everything will be okay in the end.
This takes some time...thought and experience.
I have found over the years, that a Higher Power, will bring to me individual (s) to help me, when I'm unable to help myself.
As I come to understand, that ultimately, it will all work out, I am supremely comforted.
Comfort is really all around us...we just don't see it. Sometimes we want more and aren't willing to wait for it. Sometimes it is right in front of us and we don't see it....but it is there.
Just look at some of the great written responses here.
Great books at the libraries and book stores.
Friends, doctors, religious people, teachers...people wanting to help.
And of course, inner guidance/intuition...all there to be used for our comfort and for our betterment.

Learning how to trust ourselves is the hardest act.
knowing that " I can handle what comes about" helps to build up your self esteem. Look what all you have had to handle in your life.
YOU CAN HANDLE ANYTHING...it's true.



(((HUGS))))
beth
p.s.
A friend of mine told me to hug myself.
to take my arms around my shoulders and give myself a big hug.
To do this as long as you can....it feels good.
try it.

Dear BJ,
These are good questions.
I don't know if I could define COMFORT.
Maybe comfort for some people is about feeling SAFE.
That's the best I can come up with for now.

Do you feel safe?
Do certain situations make you feel safe?
M.

comfort free association
 

comfort
flannel sheets
a cat in my lap
squooshy pillow
sweatshirt
a warm close hug
a friend's loving smile
peace
french bread
smoothness
caressing my hair
purring
breathing low
stillness
beige and brown
a real bed
a stuffed armchair
velour

it is amazing how many of those came out about "texture" and the sense of touch, huh?

the sense of touch is the very first sense developed in the womb, did you know that?

it is also THE sense, par excellence, that i use for regrounding when i start to detach from reality go numb - depersonalize - derealize whatever... as opposed to visual auditive olfactory or taste.

i don't know if this was useful BJ. it was just an idea to do a word association and then afterwards i realized this peculiarity about texture/touch being so close to "comfort" for me, apparently.

maybe you can try your own word association or someone else can do it, and see what falls out. this of course only reflects my psyche... but perhaps others have a similar... oh dear i hate to use the word... "feel" for what "comfort" means.

okkk, well... whatever... :o:rolleyes:

~ waves ~