posting... therapy... feel lost / stuck
 

hi, you might not realize, given i have posted here recently, but i cannot "keep up" and am feeling overwhelmed... heck making instant coffee is sometimes overwhelming. sometimes its like nothing. go figure.

i have better days and worse but the past couple have been worse. it looks like i might lose my T and the last appointment was really bad for me. He is also my pdoc and that hurt all the more, plus that's two eggs in a basket if i need to change He was the only person i could tell some things to.

i have been in fetal position a lot. but i am feeling frigid, stone-like, stunned and... unable to cry. i sleep a lot. when the pain gets too much i still have a few Zyprexa's. I can use that occasionally to get an immense amount of deep sleep. to stop the pain, you know, safely.

but i may post, or not, or sporadically or only seem to do a few threads or delete posts... i am feeling very vulnerable, so... these things may happen.

~ waves ~

((((((((((((((((((((((waves))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))


I hope you can find another good p-doc that you can trust and feel comfortable with.

Are you still on meds, beside the Zyprexa?

Get the rest you need, post when you are up to it.

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Sounds like a lot of depression.

Hugs, Nikko

Dear WAves,
we know that you care and I am so sorry that you are this stuck in that pit....
I hope that your pdoc can give you a referral for a new one and perhaps make sure that you have a timely appointment.
Maybe you could find the energy to take a warm comforting bath.
You have had to deal with a lot of changes....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Waves,
Oh dear,
I wish you were feeling better. 'Sorry that you have had a bad last couple of days.
'Sending hugs and wishes for wellness.

Mari

oh Waves,
another loss...I am glad your parents are there....maybe that is selfish of me...but I know that physically you are protected. Here I go again but I believe in golden safety nets and it sounds as if soon one is going to be thrown your way. When I cut down my seeing dr moussavian to every three weeks it lasted only three weeks...I had two separate dreams about needing him....so I can almost feel the pain you are experiencing...I can understand the fetal position...you are being forced to deal with so much overload...I don't think we can understand these things....please please hang in there...I hope that your parents are being gentle with you. You need so much gentleness. I pray you are being gentle with yourself...
Love
Bobby

Dear Waves ... you are the very essence of gentleness on this forum - you always have been, and it makes me so sad for you to be in this situation of uncertainty. While I can't know how you feel exactly, I think I can kinda guess.

Since a couple of weeks ago, I have been in much the same "all my eggs in one basket" situation myself. My friend of so many years has been with the same woman for 9 years, married to her for 5 now. She is his publisher, too. I have always been grateful that she shares him with me, that she tolerates his time spent listening to me. But that week, on one single day, he mentioned her twice in things he published, making it obvious to the world how important she is to him in his life... and I took that to mean that the dynamics of their marriage had changed during their recent vacation and that it might be the end of his being there for me. He has been responding less often lately than he did in the past, and after some turbulance of getting used to it, I have come to take the ups and downs in stride.... but while it would hurt me terribly to lose his friendship at any time, for it to come at this time would have destroyed me.

Like it is with you and your pdoc/T, over the years, as trust has built and I have lowered my defenses, I have come to be able to share virtually everything with him - and have discovered the power in having someone like that in your life.. It is a loss I could not easily live past --- and actually I am not sure I would want to live past it, for I have little hope that I could ever find that again. I was frozen in terror for days .... And even tho my acute fears have been eased, I am still on tenterhooks and will be for some time, expecting the axe to still fall.

I have, surprisingly, found myself suddenly able to do some things I haven't been able to do in almost 3 years ... like go in the kitchen and make something to eat that involves pots and pans. That involves much more than heating the oven for a frozen pizza or boiling water in the microwave for coffee or oatmeal. And while I still can't wash all my dirty dishes or scour the sink, I am keeping up with the newly dirty dishes fairly well. Baby steps.

I wish you baby steps, Waves. I wish you baby steps. And freedom from painful fears. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Waves}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

with loving caring feelings...
Teri

Dear Teri,

I too live with the fear of homelessness but I had family step in to help when I was close. I would imagine that acutally being homeless changes how one thinks about many things.

I'm sorry that you suffered and are still suffering.

A society should measure itself based on how it treats its most vulnerable members.

Mari

I forgot to mention my case mgr has left to move to Chicago, due to her husbands job, I cried the last time I was at my p-docs appt. which she sits in on. I met the person taking her place and she seems very nice.

Then prior to that my DV counsler left to take a break for awhile, I assume the job is stressful to say the least.

I really miss her, I am not thrilled with her replacement at all. I have my next appt. with her on Dec. 20th, so I am giving it another shot.

She made me feel that I should now be going to a therapist for the PTSD, but I see it as a pep talk when I go to DV. I usually feel good coming out of there.

Changes are hard to take, and losing people you like and trust in the medical world is hard to deal with.

Wishing you the best always, Hugs, Nikko

Waves,

My guess is that you cannot cry because you are in shock or it is your defense mechanism against the harsh reality. I only guess at this because I am numb and cannot cry hardly but maybe for different reasons. I wish I could help you feel better. You deserve to be happy.

befuddled2

Dear Nikko,

Oh no, a change in your support system!
I prefer things to be the same and never change, but I think you will get through this. They are on your side and have training and experience to help you.
Mari

Thanks Mari, I have no choice so I will go with the flow.:Doh:

Waves - How are you doing???????????????????????:Poke:

Check in soon if you are up to it, or email me.

Hugs, Nikko

Waves,

I am thinking about you now and wondering how you are doing.

befuddled2

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and support. you are really keeping me afloat these days. i am having trouble writing i get all head-bent-out-of-shape... there were so many responses to respond to... but basically, you seem to all understand...

I am still on my regular meds which are failing miserably, in fact i am decreasing the Zoloft because the muscle tension (and i have strained back & muscles) is too much, and i don't want to just 'cover' it with benzos. in any event i would not increase it further unless i were in a hospital. i take 200mg already. i have Zyprexa leftovers - will prob try to get reauthorized. it gives long deep sleep... long as you have several hours after "waking" then to nap slowly into full alertness. A calmer softer lighter alertness. but i can't take it regularly - too much weight too fast.

Due to bureaucracy in the state medical system, i don't know when i will be able to change docs. looks like mid-jan. I won't burn bridges, i need the scripts. i can keep countenance mostly - none of that spill my guts what is therapy for but i'll shut up now.

depression ==>
1 defer judgements
2. defer decisions

thanks all... and hugs back

~ waves ~ from a world of confusion

~

itsy bitsy replies?
 

Teri... "Dear Waves ... you are the very essence of gentleness on this forum - you always have been..." I don't know what to say. :confused: i am relieved or something. I guess i don't feel i live up to this in general, but i'm glad at least if i have been gentle with you.

Bobby - yes, I am safe... sorta. I really appreciated your wise and caring note and will try to follow. :) would like to be in touch more. everything is so hard. i am ridden with guilt and shame and uselessness.

Nikko, thanks for checking in on me... i loved the "hey you" poke. :) i am having trouble writing... just anywhere, my stuff, checklists, christmas cards - i think you might be the only lucky recipient as your envelope is the only one addressed! :o i am blocked at the start and end of things. thank goodness three years of not-exactly-what-turned-out-to-be-CBT was so helpful with that :rolleyes: not!

Befuddled2 - thank you for thinking of me, and letting me know. I can cry again now btw... i think it was too much and shock altogether. thing is, either i can't or i cry in fountains lately... sometimes hours and hours... to exhaustion and more, yet it is agitating. the last time it was that bad is when i took the Zyprexa. deep sleep and no pain for a good long time... but not final.

Mari... thanks for the note of wellness, and the hugs.

Bizi... you are a comfort. and i could use a warm bath i think. and my parents have a tub! :)

~ waves ~ sends hugs back to all of you

Waves,

It is nice to hear from you. I wish I could just say a magic word or something to help you feel better. I do know that one day the sun will come out sort of speaking.

befuddled2

Dear Waves,
I appreciate your staying in touch here, especially when the effort is great.

I am confused about whether you want to drop the pdoc/t or whether you have to. It's ok if you don't clear that up really. I get that you are having doc as well as bureaucracy issues.

I worry about having meds. Please tell me that you have refilled the Zprexa. It appears it is your good emergency med.


Yes, defer .....the same things they tell us to do when manic.


Waves, I have a sense that you might be putting pressure on yourself (Or I could be again misreading...not a surprise).
......I generally do better without pressure and am still learning how to keep the pressure close to none.

If sleep is the best thing, then sleep. And take the Z.

I hope that you have some good days (or less bad days) here and there and that those glimpses can help you hold on to hope.

:worried: and :concerned:
Mari

Dear Waves,
I think you are a wonderful woman and wanted to give you a hug this morning...for me afternoon for you....
((((HUGS))))
bizi:)

Waves,

Sounds like you are having an awful time of it at the moment but it will pass!!

Hope you start to feel better soon!

Take care of yourself, sorry I can't be of more help! (((Waves)))

Boxer

Mari
 

Thanks, the bureaucracy, besides the usual, is important to safeguard my exemptions.

No i have not filled the Z script because it requires: 1. a script (mine is expired), 2. special state authorization for coverage (mine is expired).

pdoc change is not imminent (Jan, even Feb). I intend to use our full T session on the 21st for a psychiatric/pharmacological consultation. When he is done farfle-farfle-pipik-ing i will ask about Wellbutrin, which worked well for me in the past. Also he will write a new script and i will ask him to put the Z back on it.

don't worry too much mari, though i appreciate it insofar as caring... i will be alright i think. worse come to worse, i do have a leftover referral slip for a psych visit... so i could go to ANY state-sponsored-clinic, but i need to sort some things out first. there is always ER and i do have 2 parents around most of the time even if at times it is uncomfortable. they don't always get it, but when it is evident (crying fountain etc) they have been very kind. and gentle.oh yes, tons, tons. to be alive, to take care of myself, ailing parents... to be self-sufficient, contribute to society... more i care not to discuss here. I too need to learn how to manage pressure. I think it is an inside thing.yes, they do. i saw a beautiful aurora the other day, and my african violet flowered a second time, despite the move. it handled it well. well that makes one of us :rolleyes: :confused:

thanks for writing to me. i hope you are well. i frequently wonder how you are keeping with your own transitions... including hubby-acquisitions.

take care, keep in touch

~ waves ~

magic
 

Thanks Boxer, your caring post is probably more help to me than you imagine.
thanks bizi, and back atcha!
:o I wish i could for you too, and Nikko... and Teri... and... i haven't read all threads/posts. But maybe some universal magic will touch you, and me, and all of us who are suffering.

~ waves ~

Bobby everything is so hard. i am ridden with guilt and shame and uselessness.
I don't understand it but you have to start giving an honorable role to being bipolar and know that is your life's work...some how you have to look at it as a gift....after all you were given it and you didn't ask to be bipolar....you were given so many other gifts as well but right now bipolar is reigning...maybe you should start a blog and start writing down your thoughts and poems and open them to the public. I can help you with the first page to try to get it higher on google....I don't think that will be pressure for you....somehow a running journal that might benefit others as well as yourself might do you well...
I know the feelings of guilt shame and uselessness but now I rarely feel them.
I lived with them most of my life. Once I was diagnosed, my feelings towards myself started to change big time. Like Job, how can I face the powerful forces of nature?(I can't remember them) but being bipolar is one. It would be pretty arrogant and boy I don't want to suffer from arrogance...that too I suffered from practically all my life. Don't fight being bipolar! Honor it as the major force in your life...accept it as a divine gift....let it be your friend...
you are safe now....focus on that...take this time to heal...Attie did by not fighting it or putting shoulds on her back. She had just as severe a case as we if not more severe....maybe she has a tougher skin though...
Love you
Bobby

Dear Waves,

I'm not sure what an aurora looks like. I guess I have never seen one. I do get impressed when I see a sky phenomenon like a double rainbow or even a sunset.

Your african violet is a good story. The only other person I knew who could grow african violets was my grandmother. You are touched with a gift.

I'm relived to hear that your parents are gentle even if they don't get it.

As far as hubby continuing to bring home junk, I don't know. I'm waiting for technology to change. Soon we might not be able to buy DVDs to shelve. Maybe we will have some other kind of delivery system for movies. I have the same hope for books, but ebooks don't cut the cake yet. But then, what would hubby collect? Spices and teas. We have those too.

My hynontherapist and my toddler steps into buddhism are helping me to just "be." Back in August, I started sporadic chanting and went to two meetings but then I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself by tying to make chanting a daily thing -- can't do that yet.

I am trying to see my role in the world differently by realizing that I am not here necessarily to accomplish anything. I think that "striving" was the wrong path for me. My military father and religious/ocd/anxiety ridden mother taught me the "constant striving to do better" bit very well.
I have been unlearning that lesson for awhile. And still looking for the path btw. When I was a teenager, I imagined that once one did find the path, that she would have already reached fullfillment and would not have to go down it.

Sorry to ramble here.

Waves, you are not alone.



Mari

Waves- check in.....we are all here for you!!!!!!!

I know Stop this roller coaster...............I want to get off, I am spinning.

:Head-Spin:

How I and many others must feel at times.

To boot a bad time of year for many.

Check in or I will have to come and get you..........:Dancing-Chilli:

Hugs, Nikkooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I find the sunsets:Speechless: so soothing. The mountains:cool2: peaceful.

I miss the ocean, I think that was so beautiful
and calming.:Bow:

:Zzzz: I am so fatigued, I got to get out of this.

Hugs, Nikko:Music 2:

Waves - check in please....................getting worried....


hugs from all.............................Nikko

Dear Bizi,
That is an inspiring picture. Thank you.
Mari

Dear Waves,
Just thinking about you and wanted you to know that I care.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi:Heart:

Surprise, surprise... thanks guys
 

Bizi, thank you. i am crying right now... i am so touched. i feel so undeserving. i feel like i'm making a mess of everything.

Mari & Tritone I did read your posts on BT, but each time i go to answer i cry ... and freeze up. May I just say for now, that far from ignoring you, I really appreciated your words and understanding. Tritone thanks for straightening me out on the offhand comment. A lot of "normies" would probably have told me to take a pill and quit with the hissy-fit (one of many these days). but here i am, and also will respond at BT and check in there because i really want that forum to pick up again.

Teri, i post a little in depression too - they all moved back to BT after the crash. you may want to repost your recent posts on the BT depression, or if you prefer i can do it for you.
...................................

SYNOPSIS i am still in very very bad shape. The mixed part of the depression is worsening... or maybe it is a sign of coming out of this? one can hope. :Sigh: Still crying waaaaaaaay much and wretchedly. if something on the street somehow "touches me" i end up crying walking along the sidewalk and don't even care. Not ONLY, but i'm likely to flip off anyone who has something to say about it. As with the crying, I can fly off the handle big time for every little thing. Sarcastic comments, screaming at people... what a freakin' mess.

With that, I now fear i've scared you all off, in case i bite back. As with BT where i feel responsible for scaring ppl off... even tho i know for a fact some ppl are away, or sporadic posters.

Going out is hard - I force myself 1ce or 2ce a week and collapse in between.

regarding therapy/therapist/pdoc let-down, I have decided to hold off changing, for now. I will just have to keep my guard up more... that will have to be the course of action. Sadly, the most important thing I need to/tried to discuss with him is S and the flash impulses, and the backdrop. because if you can't tell your pdoc??? I have not addressed the interruptions/phone issues with him yet; i couldn't handle a "no" right now.

I have thought about going inpatient, but having done so once here, i don't think it would help with this. it helped in the previous situation, but this is different. they don't do group or individual therapy, for one.

well i have written lot more than i thought i could. my verbosity outdid my tears i guess i needed to.

bizi bizi bizi... thanks again. i somehow felt shut out and its like you just unlocked the door is that crazy or what...

my heartfelt wishes to all of you who are struggling... i have to go now...

:Heart:

~ waves ~ in an emotional centrifuge

Dear Waves,
ahhh sweetie,
I really wonder why you felt shut out/???
I tried to go thru the recent posts and still can't figure it out.
You have always been a supportive member and one of the family!
You still are and we worry about you!
I so wish that you were feeling more grounded...having your whole life changed sounds so hard and know that this will get better....you will adjust.
You sound so depressed and a bit manic too...agitation etc.
I am here if you want to chat.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

bump for waves....
((((HUGS))))
bizi:grouphug:

Thinking of you Waves...