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Dad's medical records- test results......
Ok, just sitting here crying. I have been trying to post this since Dad's anniversary last month, March 14th... but I haven't been able to......
I went to my Mom's (step mom) on Dad's anniversary. She had asked me last year if I wanted to view Dad's medical reports, his blood work and test, from the ER and doctors visits the week before. She got them in the mail, 3 days after he killed himself. I did NOT want to see them then. I needed to believe Dad had cancer. I needed to believe that he "knew" he had cancer. I needed to believe that he had taken his life because he did not want us to suffer as he had watching his brother die of the same cancer. I needed to believe there was a reason, SOME REASON, to explain how Dad could have killed himself. Out of the blue, on my visit with Mom that day... I asked her if I could see the letters with his test results. I wish to God I hadn't!!!! :Sob: Dad did not have cancer. All of his test results came back perfect. PERFECT! I know depression, and mental illness play a massive roll in one being able to take their own life. But...... I needed to believe, his mental condition was because he knew the cancer was back. Now what do I do? How am I suppose to make any sort of sense out of this? He was sober, not on drugs, and in body at least, he was "perfectly healthy". Now what? I tell people I lost my Dad to depression? I just can not wrap my brain around this. This is a man who always had a smile on his face. Not just a smile, but one that touched his eyes and made them twinkle. This is a man who served almost 25 years in the military! He was so strong!!! This man, is my hero!! For the love of God, someone tell me .... HOW did this happen??? HOW did I not KNOW??????? :Sob: :Sob: Damn..... this hurts deeply...... |
OH my darling, sorry and HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Do not have the words to say, but remember, that he I am sure did not realize how much this all would hurt his loved ones, and depression can be so bad even if good life and even if someone was happy go lucky most times in life. Sorry not sure if those were the words...Just know I am sending you many HUGSSSSSSSSSSS loss is hard whatever way it comes, and I know loss of a baby girl. I do not know loss thru suicide, so not sure how it feels, but I know it must be tough. STAY strong hun, sarah |
I'm sorry Nikki....the written word is so cold, especially when we are praying for something else. It really makes no difference (it does to you, now....I understand that it does) but really the outcome is the same. It is moments like these that I want to reach into the screen and give you a tight hug of understanding. :grouphug: We would settle for a crumb...we really aren't asking for much....just one small reason....I'm sorry.
I pray you don't read his death certificate....or have you?:( |
(((Nikki)))
Dear Nikki, you don't have to tell people that you lost your dad to depression (or anything else), you just need to tell them that you lost your dad. :hug: It's difficult for me to put into words what I'm trying to say to you right now. I really wish you hadn't read the report at all. I think it's absolutely natural for a person to feel the need to know "why" as if that will help in some small way. That's the BIG question... the one most people never will know and the one that will never make much sense at all. |
((sabi)) ((alffe)) ((lara)) Thank you :hug::hug::hug:
The anniversary was so hard, I was overcome with emotions. I blame this for my lack of thinking. I never should have read those reports. :( I am doing worse than I was. I just don't have anything to cling to now. I keep thinking, like you said Alffe.. it doesn't change the end result... that it only mattered what he believed. But, that isn't true is it? At least not for me... For me it changes everything. (please do not get mad at me :o) In my mind at least -there is a big difference between suicide for the terminally ill, and suicide because you damn well just give up. I couldn't accept that my brave heroic father could be taken down this way, it HAD to be cancer. Now I am just stunned. He didn't have cancer.... this can only mean that Dad is gone because he couldn't find the strength to hold on any longer. He hurt so severely that he could believe life was not worth living. That kills me! How could he be in that much pain, and nobody know? How could I not know? HOW is that possible???!!!!! Then I think on how all the things he taught me. We talked so many times about my disease, the pain, he told me over and over and over again...you just have to keep fighting, Never give up Nik!! Yet, he did :( And what is worse, what eats me up.. is he couldn't even tell me. Why, why couldn't he have just reached out to me? How could he possibly think THIS was the answer? How could he not know his suicide would totally destroy all who loved him? Why didn't he love me enough to hold on? I have a song playing in my mind a lot since I found out. It just sprang to mind and it is so fitting. I just cry my heart out every time I listen to it.. I would stop listening to it, but.... I would still be crying my heart out..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io1WSolwlcw Artist: Blaine Larsen Song: How Do You Get That Lonely Album: Lyrics : It was just another story written on the second page Underneath the Tiger's football score It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age They found him face down on the bedroom floor There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone... (Chorus) How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all Is better than the life that you had How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go How do you get that lonely... and nobody know Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun? Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol? Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son? Did no one see the writing on the wall? I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand... (Chorus) How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all Is better than the life that you had How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go How do you get that lonely... and nobody know It was just another story printed on the second page Underneath the Tiger's football score... |
Awwww, (((Nikki))).
I've always said I'd rather "know" (about medical things) than be in the dark. I was glad to Know I had MS, instead of the strange and unexplained symptoms driving me crazy with unanswered questions. But, after reading your post, I can see how I would rather NOT know something like that. Your poor Dad, he must have been in so much mental anguish to let it cloud his ability to rationalize and think clearly. He must not have realized how personally you and your siblings would take it, else he would not have done it. Remember, he did not commit suicide to hurt anyone. He did it (I would think) to end his own pain. It is nobody's fault. And that's what makes it so hard. It's easier to cope with loss if you can blame it on Something, Anything. But those lingering questions and "What Ifs" can drive you crazy. Honestly, Nikki, (IMHO) you're going to have to proactively seek out something to distract you from dwelling on the "What Ifs." I worry that you will never be able to move forward if you don't get involved in something that keeps your mind occupied. Didn't you say awhile back that you intended on helping with the suicide prevention? Have you done any more with that goal? It is not my intention to offend you, dear Nikki. :hug: Please forgive me if I have overstepped my bounds. I know you are a good listener and that it helps to have folks to bounce ideas off of. I assume you began this thread in order to hear back from people who know and care about you. I am one of those people who cares. You remain in my prayers. :hug: |
Nik-key
Is it possible that it was a accident? Sometimes people are over confident with a pistol,or rifle. I've looked down the barrel of a semi automatic pistol to make sure the barrel was clean. If the clip is in the pistol,the darn thing can go off if you slide the barrel back into position. I've had pistols,and high powered rifles,and if you aren't careful,a accident can happen. There are many accidents that happen in the military that don't make it to the news.
My friend who is usually careful, discharged his pistol in my apartment. A second before he did,he had it pointed at me. Then he turned his arm,and fired at the TV set. He nicked one of the antennas on top of my TV set. It was a accident. He thought for sure that it was unloaded. Well it was loaded,and he learned a big lesson that day. Four years later he became a policeman. My first rifle backfired on me,and shocked the heck out of me. Fragments of the shell went back into my thumb,and another friend drove me to the hospital. So what I'm saying is,it could have been a accident. In a firearm accident that is fatal,the person can't tell anyone what happened. BF:hug::hug::hug: |
((Steve)) thank you for trying to help :hug: Without a doubt, it was not an accident. :( ((twink)) my friend...you could never offend me... I will write more later.. I just can't right now....
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Nik-Key
I'm so sorry. I wish that I could take away your grief. Was he in Vietnam? He could have had PTSD. Something might have been bothering him that he couldn't take anymore. Something might have been tormenting him for years,and it got to big,and he was in a very weak frame of mind,and tired,and not strong enough at that point to throw it off. Bless his heart. Sometimes people will tell your most of whats bothering them,but not all. I don't think that he would want you to suffer like this.
With the good report of his good physical condition,maybe something was bothering him that he thought that he could be treated with medication. Years ago I became very upset,and depressed,and I had a EEG. The test showed that there was nothing wrong with me. I was discharged from the hospital with no answers. At that time I wish that they did find something wrong in my EEG test so that they could treat it,but they found nothing,and I went home thinking what am I going to do now? I knew that what I was feeling was real,and they couldn't find any answers. I felt a strange feeling about it all,and I had many,many negative feelings,and no answers. I'm sorry that he came to this point where he felt totally tired of it all,and maybe he hit his breaking point. Some Veteran's are haunted by something in their military career,that they can't seem to talk about. The burden could have been slowly building,but he may have wanted to stay stronge,but he hit his breaking point,and broke into pieces. I hope that you feel better soon. BF:hug::hug::hug: |
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Sadly, it is possible to not know. It is possible to smile and be normal on the outside and not show what is going on inside. I know, I did it. I was seeing a Psychiatrist who was also my therapist and she had no idea how deep I had really gone nor did my family. I was asked many times if I felt suicidal and I always said no. I put on a happy face and tried to be normal on the outside for everyone. On the inside....darkness and emptiness. I didn't want to leave that place and I was on medication. Your dad was strong, his thinking just became irrational and fuzzy. It's soo difficult to think clearly when that happens. Nik-Key, you can't blame yourself, you had no way of knowing. It's not your fault :hug: |
Those feelings, unfortunately, can become a deep dark 'secret' and as Snoopy said, easier to hide than you might think. I am not proud of the fact that I do it, and can hide it from anyone, but it is a fact. One that I am trying to change. I was saved from my attempts, somehow, and I sometimes feel guilty about it. I am very sorry that your dad wasn't. I don't understand it either, I wish I did. All I know is we have to work harder to try to help those who can't talk about it. It is just too easy to hide. All we have to do is look at all the pain around us and the people who are trying to cope with suicide from all angels. Love you Nikki....like our dear Alffe says....time....a lot of time.....:hug::hug::hug:ss
understanding and love....:grouphug: |
The people you leave behind "will experience: sudden loss, sudden pain, and sudden grief. There is a difference between natural and unnatural death. The one we can bear and learn to live with because, as we become aware of death through the natural death of someone we know and love, we come to accept our own deaths and hope to approach them with grace and dignity. But with unnatural death, with sudden death, with suicide, there is no time to prepare for this loss. We are caught cold. And we are left with questions, questions no one can answer for us.
After the fact, we wonder and we wonder and we wonder, "What if?" we ask. "If only?" we ponder. "Couldn't we have had just one more hour or one more day to talk you out of it?" "Isn't there something that could have been said or done that would have made all this pain and agony unnecessary?" We wonder. We wonder.... In a word, none of us is prepared for sudden and unnatural death. Accidents that kill people are tragedies. Suicides, by comparison, are double tragedies - because, of all sudden deaths, they could have been prevented." Suicide, The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett ****************** Mistiis you are the very definition of a survivor...you are surviving your own thoughts and you are sparing your loved ones this nightmare of being "left behind". :grouphug: |
((steve)) ((snoopy)) ((mistiis)) ((alffe)) Thank you all so much :hug:
This is so damn hard!! And I am sure it will be all jumbled, but I am going to start rambling here.. trying to get some of this pain out so it doesn't consume me. Please Please know.... I would never intentionally hurt any of you. This is just me, speaking from my heart, trying to share my raw pain. I know it is such a difficult topic to talk about. But we must keep talking....... I didn't sleep at all last night. I was tormented and full of emotions. In my thinking and searching for those illusive answers I tried, very hard... to be fair to my Dad, the man I love so deeply. I do understand completely how people hide their pain. I do it every single day of my life. After my diagnoses, the pain was so intense it brought me screaming to my knees. I couldn't hide it if I wanted to. With time, I learned to find ways to cover it up. Right or wrong I thought it a sign of weakness to show my pain. I absolutely hate for anyone to see my cry. It is something I avoid at all costs. It is my pain, and it is extremely personal to me. At first my coping skills were very primal, when the pain and attacks were to the point I just couldn't stand it another second, I would try to distract myself from that pain, by creating a new pain. I can't tell you how many times I have broken toes kicking things. eeek Rarely does it reach that extreme now. The pain is still great, but through the years I have learned better coping techniques. With that, also came my better skills at hiding my pain. Today, people say things like, your disabled? You look great, I never would have known. Silly people, I am sure you all know the type... the ones who think if they can't see your pain, if it isn't wrapped up in a cast or bleeding.. it doesn't hurt, you must be fine. It doesn't bother me now though. It means success to me. I have hidden my pain. There is a saying I like, strength is no more than how well you hide your pain. My point is sharing this is.. I get it. I totally understand the want and need to hide ones pain from the world. But, I am not talking about the world. I am talking about my Dad. We were so damn close. We saw each other every single week at least once, often much more. We talked on the phone all the time. I have never lived more than 15 minutes from him in my whole entire life!!! He was the first person I called with good new. He was the only person I wanted when the world was cruel. He would give me one of his bear hugs, the kind that lasted until you pulled away, so tight, so protective. You just KNEW you were safe. You knew you could survive anything! It wasn't a one way street. Dad also came to me. We shared everything. Or .. so I thought. His smile could light the world. It certainly touched my soul. God I could just sob thinking of all the laughter, the good time and bad that we shared. He was more than a dad.... he was my very best friend. My rock. My soft place to land. My hero. That he could have been in so much emotional pain that he saw killing himself as the only option... has the power to destroy me!!! It just cuts me to the core thinking of the pain he must have been in :Sob: That he couldn't or wouldn't tell me, is the worst injustice ever dealt me. It rips me apart that he didn't reach out. I know many feel it was his life, it was his right to end. I do not believe that. Please, understand I say this in pain. I feel he had no damn right to kill himself. He had no right to leave this total destruction behind. I am so torn. I want to remember all the love we shared. The laughter the tears. I want to remember him as he was, my hero. I absolutely hate having any bad thoughts about him and I am ****** at him for making me have them. Curious' words yesterday... forgive the person, not the action. That really hit me. Thank you again curious :hug: This is what I am now going to strive to do. I believe with more time and soul searching I can forgive Dad. I will never forgive the action. I will forever be torn apart that he was in such insurmountable pain. But I will never forgive his act. Never. I know his pain must have been unimaginable. And it just kills me to feel this way.... but I can't pretend I don't. As much as I love him, I still think he was so very selfish. Perhaps with time, I can seperate the man from the act. So it wont kill me to think of my Dad this way!!!!.... I can instead think the act was selfish. ((twink)) you asked if I am still involved with the coalition. I am. With placing Lynn in February and Dad's anniversary I haven't gone to the last few meetings. But I keep in contact by email and I plan to keep trying to make a difference. This is where I truly, truly, hope I do not offend anyone. I have a question. How, can we as a society bring suicide out of the darkness.... if those suffering do not reach out? I keep thinking about this.. I don't want to!! I just can't help it. If Dad had only reached out, he would still be here. I would not have let him go. I would have moved Heaven and Hell to help him. But, he didn't give me the chance........ I feel completely robbed. He stole so much from me. My family is destroyed. We now have pain so great we can't imagine how we are suppose to live with it. His suicide didn't stop the pain... the pain has now spread to each of us left behind. Such a conflict of emotion I feel. Love and anger. Guilt yet resentment. I know only one thing right now. I NEED to make some kind of sense out of his senseless death. I just don't know how :( .…… Yet. :hug: For all of you who post, or just read here... those of you who have so much pain in your hearts..... who fight and fight to find the strength and hope to hang on...... Please, reach out. You would NOT be a burden to your family or friends! I assure you, it would have been my greatest honor and privilege to have help Dad. YOU are the whole world to someone. Find that person and reach out!!! I still feel, and perhaps always will.. that Dad just did not love me enough to hold on. Allow yourself to love enough.... to hold on. :hug: Allow yourself to be loved enough... to help you hold on :hug: :hug: |
Nikki, if your dear Dad had been thinking rationally and clearly, I have NO DOUBT: HE LOVED YOU "ENOUGH!" :hug:
I'm glad you are able to separate the Act from the Person. Concentrate on the Person and the happy memories. Let those good times bring peace and comfort to your troubled heart. :hug: And I'm glad to know you are still involved with the Coalition. :) |
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I have been married to a very wonderful man for almost 28 years and I have put him through a lot yet he is still standing by my side inspite of everything. I was first dx'd with PTSD in Feb 2004 after a traumatic event that shattered my world. My mental and emotional pain was so deep I could not cope. I went internal. I could not even share what I was feeling with my husband who was/is my rock, my hero, my safe place. I could not share my pain with the only person who has stood by me and I know that caused him great pain. I will be eternally sorry. I journaled daily, it was so ugly, full of pain and hate - pain and hate that was hidden from everyone. I was writing good bye letters to my children, to my husband and spewing all the anger and hurt that had brought me to where I was. I just want you to understand your dad did not mean to bring so much pain to you, he would not want you to be in so much pain. His pain, whatever it was, consumed him and he was no longer rational. I am positive he loved/loves you and will always be by your side - talk to him, he can hear you. I hope and pray you can find a way to be at peace :hug: There is a song "Back of my Heart" in my sig line. It explains how I have felt and maybe that was how your dad felt...I don't know. |
((snoopy)) honest from the heart sharing, could never make me feel worse.:hug: Thank you for caring enough to share your deep pain with me:hug: It means a lot. Truly.
It does help. Every single post anyone has ever written here, helps!! I am still in too much pain to be able to see through it, to the place where I still know he loved me as much as I thought he did. One day I hope to find that peace. I now know Dad suffered from PTSD as well. He had all the classic signs. I just wish I had known how to read them :( ((Snoopy)) thank you for sharing your song, very moving:hug: Rips me up that Dad hurt that way.... ironic in a twisted sort of way, that by ending his pain, I now feel that way :( I am sorry for all the hell you have had to endure. Never lose sight of the miracle that through all that pain, you kept fighting. You might have wish to give up, but you didn't. True courage. Stand proud :hug: I am so thankful you are here to share your story.:hug: :hug::hug: |
Just thinking as I try to work through my own suicidal tendencies, and thoughts. I am the type of person that would be the first to help someone else survive and not to make that awful decision. But when I am fighting it myself, I implode, that is the only way that I know how to describe it. We love fiercely other people. But, I think, when depression and suicidal thoughts hit, the implosion that takes place makes it difficult to 'feel' that other people really do care that much and love us. I just don't think that at that point we are able to feel the love, or absorb what our loved ones would want to give. And, we don't want to add a burden by sharing the pain that we feel. It is hard to realize that that is exactly what we need to do. Thinking in that moment of deep pain keeps us from being able to 'see' what we will do to the ones that we love, and who love us. But, that is me, and what I am beginning to see about myself. It's just *amm hard.
Bringing it out of the closet??? I am still working on that one. When you walk into a closet and close the door, opening it again seems to be the hardest part. Why would we want to share darkness??? And that is what it looks like instead of an illness that needs to be treated. Just my random thoughts.......:hug: |
People cannot help you if they don't know how you feel. :grouphug:
I've always loved this: I don't need to be right, but don't make me wrong. I don't need a teacher, a critic, or a judge. I need freedom to say how I feel And a friend who will listen....just listen! :grouphug: for the room. |
I really love that Alffe, spoken by one who has 'been there' and understands very well. It is soooooo true....:hug:
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((pono)) thank you for you PM dear friend:hug::hug:
((Mistiis)) I love you too dear friend:hug: And I thank you for sharing your pain with me... I am so grateful you find the courage to keep fighting and fighting :hug::hug: I have been doing a lot of thinking..... I am trying to understand how this could have happened.... I am trying to be "fair" to Dad.... I keep thinking back to my disabilities. It just killed Dad to see me in so much pain. At first I could not hide my pain, and I remember Dad just holding me as I screamed out in pain, sobbing for all I was worth. I also remember him crying right along with me. How deeply it effected him to see his little girl hurting so. My whole family was effected. I use to say the first thing I feel every day is pain, the second is guilt. I hated being the cause of so much pain to my loved ones. Due to that, I tried desperately to try to hide my pain, from even Dad and Lynn. The two people I felt closest to, were the ones I tried the hardest to hide my pain from. I didn't do it to hurt them, I did it to try to spare them. Reading your posts over the past year.... ((mistiis)) ((david)) ((moi)) ((abbie)) ((bj)) ((snoopy) ((blue)) ((steve)) and many others I can't recall at the moment.. please forgive me.....:hug: But through sharing your pain, the way you feel when the monster grabs you.. I can't help but wonder if Dad didn't tell me because he was trying to spare me, much in the same way I was trying to hide my physical pain from him. I think about how I shared with him in the beginning of my pain journey how I didn't think I could live with this pain, how I didn't want to. How I begged to God to take me. I remember our talks so clearly, him telling me to keep fighting , to never give up......... I also remember how his beloved dog was in so much pain, that he wouldn't make it to the vet, and out of love, Dad had to shoot him..... I remember Dad re-telling me that story a few years back, after he watched his brother die a slow painful death from cancer, after losing his Dad and Mom in that same year ...that he prayed at night not to wake up the next morning. How he wished someone loved him enough to shoot him. I remember so clearly.... my reaction to that statement... the pain I could not hide knowing my Dad was in that kind of pain. I remember holding him, telling him over and over how much I loved him, how much I needed him.... and repeating the words he had told me not 3 years before that... Dad, you have to keep fighting.. you can never ever give up.... I remember holding him as we both cried....helping him through that dark period. seeing him daily, encouraging him to seek professional help. I remember the day he told me he was ok. That he had come out on the other side and for me not to worry anymore.... Now I am thinking......... perhaps he never was better at all... perhaps like me trying to hide my physical pain to spare him.... perhaps he hid his emotional hell... to try to spare me and all who loved him. Obviously, he wasn't better.. or he never would have reached the point of being able to kill himself. It was a good 3 years before he took his life that he told me about wanting to die...... and only God knows how long he had felt that way before he even found the courage to tell me....... How long he must have fought and fought and fought.:Sob: :Sob: It came to me last night, another sleepless night, that Dad taking his own life, by no means made him a coward. He fought as long and as hard as he could. I will forever wish that he had reached out to me..... but I found a bit of peace..... I know Dad better than perhaps anyone on this earth. I know he would never - ever purposely hurt me. He loved too much to ever knowingly be the cause of so much pain. Tragic, his death could have been prevented....... he could still be here with me now. Hiding our pain, is clearly, never the answer.................. |
WOW!!! Such an incredible insight dear Nikki. Now, if we can just find that key that will help us and others to feel 'safe' sharing that pain, even with the ones we love the most. I think it lies in love itself. What we don't seem to realize is that when love is there pain is not a burden to the one that loves us. But, it is hard to get that principle. And it does take someone who really does care and is not just spewing words. :hug::hug::hug:ssssss
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Depression?
THE SILENT KILLER One person's MOUNTAIN is another persons MOLE-HILL David:hug: |
nik-key quote ;Hiding our pain, is clearly, never the answer..................
__________________; As you said yourself you tried to hide your physical/+/emotional pain from both your father and Lynn...........why? ................ to shield them from the inner pain that you at the time were experiencing...............staying silent is not the answer......... .but a human trait we all share is............protecting those we care for............ Seems an odd statement...because suicide causes a multitude of distress.........but in our darkest hour as humans we still think of others .............sadly some think taking their life will rid them of the secret burden they carry daily........yet cannot share.......because the only ones who would listen..............are the ones intrically involved in their lives...and will therefore suffer most from admission of fear/sadness/grief/depression/loneliness... Imagine telling the one you love.........................daily i feel totally lonely........... Soul destroying for the person hearing.........the truth for the person airing a view................... is it easier to be silent then and not offend..................or risk..........destroying a loving relationship.......by explaining even with that person in your life.....life itself is a daily struggle....a lonely ..isolated world///// It is easy to see why many choose silence.....................its not right/or/fair.............but its understandable. David |
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When I was growing up I seemed to attract bullies. I grew up to be 6'4". I was talk,and skinny,and the bullie type where after me for some reason. I had problems with the people at work. Now I have family issues. I just don't understand why. I don't even walk out on the door step,looking like I'm hurting. I act like I'm OK. I'm always acting so people will stay off my case,and not pick on me.BF:hug::hug: |
Dear BF. (((hugs))) This is something I understand. I really believe that our personalities as sensitive people make us vulnerable and other people sense that.
In observing the animal world I have seen small sickly birds get picked on by the stronger ones, and not just one but usually serveral. The bird was not sick just vulnerable because of the heat. It is a real lesson. Those who are vulnerable do get 'picked' on by those who feel stronger. It is unfortunate in our world today that there are more people who will take advantage of vulnerabililty and exploit it rather than those who will try to help, protect, and nourish the vulnerable to gain some strength to fly. It is just an unfortunate truth. We do have to learn to protect ourselves. And I think it is even more difficult for males than for females. A man who is very sensitive is seen by other males as being weak. This is so unfortunate. Because it is really so very beautiful, and something which this world needs more of. You have to be very brave to express your vulnerability without allowing yourself to be exploited. It is a real growing process. And it takes a lot of time and some knowledge about yourself and how to go about it. You hide your pain because others see it as a vulnerability. Being able to transform that pain into strength and being able to conquer the fear of mis-treatment by others, is also a very long learning process. You know how you can touch on that love and inner strength that you have while you are in prayer and with inspiring music? That is the place we need to be. But, it is hard to maintain it. And that is because there are issues from the past that need to be dealt with. I am going to send you a pm my friend. Many :hug::hug::hug:sssss and prayers winging their way to you..... There is reason to hope. :grouphug: I have to say again, that sometimes, in our darkest moments, are when the greatest changes and miracles can take place. And please notice that I said CAN......the potential is there. The choice is ours..... |
Nikkey, I am sooooo sorry about your Dad. It's hard to understand why people do the things they do. I feel sure he didn't want to hurt anyone. When I was misdiagnosed with Hodgkins, I became suicidal, and finding out that the docs were wrong didn't help for a long time. It's possible that in your father's mind, he was still holding on to an earlier worry or fear, for himself and the rest of you, too. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but you have to believe that your Dad really loved you, and this was about him, not you. I wish I could say more...:hug:
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(((holding you dear Nikki))) and praying....:hug::hug::hug:sss
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Thank you all so much :hug: :hug: :hug:
((mistiis)) Quote:
((David)) I understand what you are saying David... you are right I tried to hide my pain as well. It helped no one, and brought me further into depression. Obviously, the same happend to my Dad. Quote:
I hear over and over it is not my fault Dad killed himself. But, it is - in part. I own that and I must try to find a way to live with it. He hid his pain well, no doubt. But I can't help but think there just HAD to be a way for me to know. That I didn't, will eat at me until I draw my last breath. Nothing good has ever been gained in hiding ones pain. IMHO. The one suffering sinks deeper and deeper........ and your loved ones around you want nothing more than to be your life line! REACH OUT! That is the only answer. ((Rich)) Quote:
I am trying very hard to remember this was about him... but it is so hard when it is my heart breaking and my world crashing in around me...*sigh |
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