A Question of Faith
 

Soon, my Grandma will be gone from this world. I have never questioned my faith before, but watching her suffer from the cancer and broken hip these last few months has been trying. Suddenly, I find myself less sure there is something more after this life. Why is that?

Is it just that this seems so unfair to put a good and loving woman through so much? She watched her only child (my mom) die of cancer, was victimized financially by her son-in-law, and started down the road of dementia. She finally moved in with us and we were just really in a rhythm of living together and having fun and making memories and she falls and breaks her hip. Then, the other shoe dropped and she was dx'd with small cell lung cancer. She hasn't had a normal moment since 1/17. Why her? She was always so loving and giving.

I have always been so close to her and she is my last elder relative and I don't think she will be with me anymore by this time next week. One part of me hopes she won't be (so that she will be at peace) - another part can't bear the thought.

I guess maybe it is losing my last elder relative that makes me so scared of not ever seeing any of them again. I never thought I would be the oldest living member of my original family at only age 39!

She keeps talking to my Grandpa (he passed away in 1994). I really hope he is here talking to her. That gives me a little hope. I guess I still have faith, but I'm a little scared that it is not as strong as it once was.

Hugsss hun, and know those feelings of faith questioning are so very normal when going thru watching someone you love hurting in pain and dying... truely normal feelings. As you said also being the last or oldest in your family..too.

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS and love ya, sarah

I understand you clearly.... I have had those thoughts more than once in my life.... I mean, why ? why do we or the ones we love have to suffer ? why those who were so good, so charming, so lovely have to suffer ? is that fair ?? why God permits this ?
I have questioning that several times....

I think there are pretty good books out there that talk about this and that can explain it way better than I could... hehe

One good book that had been recommended to me is one called like that, "why ?"

I want to read it.... perhaps it can help you too. :)

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(((hollym))) I am sorry you are going through this. It truly is normal to question the way you are, when facing such loss, especially when there is so much pain and suffering involved. I think we tend to blame God a lot of the time when it is not God at fault, but, the folly, and uncompassionate nature of man himself.

Are you utilizing hospice for the care of your loved one?? There may be ways that her suffering could be alleviated with the proper care. My prayers are winging their way to you and your loved ones.....:hug::hug::hug:sssssss

((((((((((((Holly))))))))))))))))

I think we have all been at that point of questioning why? and where are You, God?:o

A book that really ministered to me is "Where is God when it Hurts" by Philip Yancey

RBC ministries also have some great free download booklets in their Discovery series and one that touches on this is here
http://www.rbc.org/bible-study/disco...8030&Topic=874

I will be praying for you and grandma....that she will be at peace and not suffering anymore and that the Lord will wrap you in His Love and reassure you.:hug:

Oh, I'm so sorry Holly. I hadn't realized your dear grandma had broken her hip.

What you're going through right now, I've been through similar experiences with my parents. The cancer, the broken hip, the dementia.

I have some strong thoughts/opinions on the Why? subject you are struggling with that I will PM to you.

Bless you for looking after your dear Grandmother. :hug:

:hug: Holly :hug:

I know what you're talking about.....and I totally understand the way you're feeling right now. It's completely normal to think about all these things. There's no way for us to comprehend or understand the enormity of it all......so we have faith. It's hard sometimes, especially when those we love are hurting. It's hard to watch someone we love go through tough times.

You're doing a wonderful thing for your Grandmother. :hug:

Thank you, everyone. I guess the thing that bothers me is that I have really never allowed doubt to creep in. Faith is believing without proof and here I am desperately wanting proof. That just feels wrong. I talked to my pastor about it and he told me this was normal right now.

I just didn't go through this when my mom died - maybe because she was on the other side of the country and I never went through the day to day part of it. The last time I saw my mom alive was before it got so bad. That is how she wanted it, but my poor Grandma had to watch it day after day.

The hospice organization is wonderful, for the most part. I'm quite a bit less than thrilled with her nurse, though. The aides have been great and there is plenty of help with supplies and meds. For some reason, though, I am struggling to really take advantage of everything they offer like volunteers. I have always had trouble asking for help. I just always figure we are doing OK and so we should leave those resources for people who really need them. I don't like to take advantage too much.

just want to send you a hug.:hug::hug: Hang in there Holly.:hug:

Holly, IMHO you NEED to talk with somebody. The Hospice volunteers are wonderful for that.

Have you considered requesting a different nurse? One that you are more comfortable with?

When the higher-ups changed our aide's schedule, we told them we didn't want to lose her and she was able to continue coming.

Such a difficult time for you. Thinking of you and remembering you and your dear Grandmother in my prayers, dear Holly. :hug:

Holly,

I'm SO sorry to hear about everything that you, your family and grandmother are going through right now!:hug: Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and if you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here for you!

I also understand the 'Why' subject that you are dealing with now! My nanan suffered from Progressive MS since she was 38 years old and I always thought it was unfair that she had to deal with that and kept wondering why she had to suffer from all of that. She was the best grandma ever and always helped people and it was SO unfair that she had to deal with everything that she did during her lifetime! She passed away when I was 6 years old and whilst it was so very hard for all of us, I now know that she is at peace and is no longer suffering.

When I was 12 years old, I developed RSD (which is similar to MS) and went through the whole 'Why' situation again. I was really angry that I had been given RSD at such a young age and that I couldn't have a normal childhood. I still ask the why's but not as much now as I have been having input from my Psychologist.

When I was diagnosed with RSD, I also felt very sorry for my mum. She had been caring for my nanan since she was 13 years old so never had a normal childhood either really and I feel as though she shouldn't be dealing with all of this and should just have time to herself to be able to do everything she wants to. She is always telling me that it is OK and not my fault but I think I will always feel really upset for her.

In November last year, my grandad passed away at 68 years old. I went through the whole 'Why' situation again and still do sometimes. My grandad was great and so caring - everybody loved him. He was always raising money for Cancer charities, the hospital that diagnosed me with RSD etc and I thought it was very unfair that he died so young.

I guess my point is that all of these feelings are normal even though they might not seem like it now and that you aren't alone - I think all of us have dealt with the 'Why' situation at one time or another. I know that people say that God gives illnesses to good people to test them but it still seems unfair sometimes - especially when there are all sorts of criminials out on the streets and nothing ever seems to happen to them. I guess we will never really know why good things happen to bad people.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this and please give your grandma a huge hug from me! I'm thinking about you all at this sad and difficult time!:hug:

Praying for peace for you and your Grandmother Holly. I've also had so many times when I asked "why?"

Thanks everyone again. I'm struggling less with faith right now - maybe I'm just too tired to think it through anymore! You have all given me some peace and reassurance that I'm not being a bad Christian and for that, I'm so grateful.

I posted this on my other thread on Social Chat, but it applies here even more...
 

I had a total epiphany this morning when I was in the shower getting ready for church. I do my best praying and thinking in the shower! I think it was all the prayers and thoughts from you guys and I really feel God sent me a big dose of peace today.

I just realized what I would have told anyone else who was going through this. None of the decisions that I made about Grandma's care could possibly affect the outcome. This is up to God and I now realize that He has determined the course of things.

How could I possibly think that I was responsible for altering the course of her life? He will take her according to His plan and schedule whether or not I decided to do more or less chemo and whether I decided to do more PT or to not put in the feeding tube.

If He wanted her sooner, He would have taken her then. Who was I to think that I was influencing the course of things? I'm kind of chuckling at that thought now. I'm just here working through it one day at a time and hopefully doing an OK job of taking care of things for her. So, really, I now believe that everything is as it should be.

I was sitting in church listening to the readings and since this is the season of Easter, everything is still focused on Jesus' death and resurrection. In one of the readings, there was a line that read "to do whatever thy hand and thy plan had predestined to take place". This was from Acts 4 speaking about how everyone and everything had come together against Jesus in order to crucify him - it was predestined. This was so comforting to hear in a way. The disciples could no more stop or change what was to happen to Jesus than I can do anything to change what will happen with Grandma.

The Psalm today was the 23rd Psalm which is always so peaceful and visual to me. I love the imagery of the green pastures and still waters and of course the most comforting line to me is "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me".

I do not believe in coincidences. I do believe that these readings, the Psalm, and the sermon were all reinforcements of the realization and feeling of overwhelming peace that I had earlier in the morning. I needed to hear those things at this particular time. I feel very OK now.

how very encouraging to read your post this morning Holly:hug:

God's perfect timing is so amazing!!:Bow:

Hi Hollym,

I am so glad the Holy Spirit spoke to you today. God is amazing and his plan is divine.
My mom and aunt where both wonderful christian women. I had the honor to be with them when they passed. The days that lead to them going home were long and I was tiered. I read the Bible to them for what seemed like days.
I would read about the streets of gold in heaven. I can't even begin to imagin what God has in store for us. Our journey here on earth will be well worth it when we see Jesus.
I read somewhere that to present at the birth of a child is to wittness a miracle to be with someone who passes is an honor. I do believe that is what you are going to experence with your grandmother. Hold tight to the hand of the Lord and he will give you strength. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME Philipians 4:13[/B] :hug:

Just wanted to thank you all and let you know that Grandma is at peace. She died at 11:32 last night. We had called hospice to come over because she was really struggling to breathe. Yesterday she was really totally unresponsive all day, but I know she could hear because she did react to sounds. At one point I hugged her and stroked her face and told her it was OK to go. I told her to say hi from me to my Mom, Grandpa and Uncle Doc when she gets there.

I just can't quite believe she is gone now. I walk past her room and she isn't there. I miss her so much.

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((((((Holly)))))))))) may God comfort you and help the ache of the loss to be softened with precious memories:hug:

((((((((holly))))))):(

Imagine the celebration in heaven!!!
God is with you to strengthen you, equip you, help you, comfort you and LOVE you, he will carry you through.
The arms that welcomed you grandmother into heaven are the same arms that hold your heart today!!
May God comfort you in your time of need!
Sherrie

((((((((((Holly))))))))))

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God is amazing isnt He ?

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May God be with you.

Darlene:hug:

You are amazing! You did a good thing to take this wonderful woman into your home in her hour of need, and didnt pass her off onto the care of others. You kept her close to your home, your heart, and your faith. You allowed her to pass with dignity, and grace. Thank you for not sending her away to be surrounded by stangers during her last days here on this earth. Please know that God does things in his time, for his reasons, and we need to trust that he will do what is best for all of his children. He loves us all, and doesnt want to see anyone suffer or in pain, but sometimes tough or rough roads teach us lessons that cannot be learned from smooth sailing. I am sorry for your loss. Grandma's are special, and she will live in your heart forever.

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(((hollym))) keeping you in my prayers as you walk through this loss and grief. May the angels uphold you, I know they do grandma, and will you as well....:hug: :)