Howdy
 

Hi Everybody,

Me again... Always coming back to post when I have a problem...

We've been through the mill (my wife and I). I have to talk about it... As selfish as i know this sounds, I feel like nobody is really supporting me.

Right after Christmas my kid's mother sent him down south to live with his uncle. She essentially tricked him into it, telling him he was going to be visiting his cousins... but the uncle lives way out in the back woods, no transportation and wouldn't let him go over the cousin's house. The uncle would go to work and leave him home alone with no phone or money. His aunt called me and pleaded with me to rescue him and bring him to live with me and my wife in New York City.

My wife and I agreed, and staged a "rescue" operation of CIA proportions since the kid was underage, had no ID and we had no means of physically going to get him. We got a car service to pick him up and wired bus fare to the aunt to get him to NYC. (you don't need ID to buy a bus ticket)

We were all very excited for many reasons. I for one, with my history as a child of dysfunction - as well as my history as a bad parent - looked upon this as my opportunity to redeem myself and finally come through with a win for my son. My wife and I were really excited about it. Part of my therapy during my hospitalization last year revolved around me accepting the fact that I had a *right* to be a father to my son. I had felt because of my illness and my mistakes that I didn't have that right.

So, I/We stepped up to bat in a big, big way. I got him registered in school. We gave him a room in our small two bed-room (his room had been our office). We bought new furniture for him. We gave him a generous allowance. Everyone told him that he had a wonderful opportunity to start over. Everyone was routing for him. He received all kinds of attention and advice. We even got him into one of the better pubic high schools where he was advised to choose his friends wisely. It was quite an accomplishment because he had not completed any of his course work at his last high school.

He was sent down south by his mother for a variety of reasons: there has been tremendous dysfunction in the family and her resources to care for her other two kids are stretched thin; he is a behavior problem and has been prosecuted for stealing money ($2000) from her.

We felt that we could give him our undivided attention and we felt that since we gave him a nice allowance he wouldn't feel the need to steal.

Everything was pretty good until March, which was when his teachers caught up with me. Apparently they had only just received our contact info. We found out that he had been skipping school regularly and had not turned in most of the assignments for his classes.

We went to the school and met all his teachers. We emailed with them at least once per week. They arranged for him to attend tutoring and make up the assignments. I was *incredibly* impressed with his teachers and only wished my own high school teachers had been so on the ball...

Nothing worked. We took away Internet. We took away his cell phone. We took away his allowance. Nothing. I tried playing mind games with him where I ignored him if he had been bad, and paid attention to him if he had done something good. It didn't work.

He took items from our house, and we were told by his teacher she overheard him discussing pawning the items with another student.

My iPod disappeared. He said he borrowed it. Then he said he let someone use it and forgot to get it back.

We caught him in lie after lie after lie...

A little over a month ago he tried to runaway to a friends house. When we brought him home he threatened that he would hurt himself if he had to come back. We took him to the hospital where he spent several days. Through the hospital we got hooked up with another out patient hospital program. We had only just gotten through the intake (waiting lists... etc... ) and were scheduled for our first appointment last week.

My wife came home early from work and found him in our house with four other kids (including one underage girl) drinking and possibly smoking marijuana. My wife threw the kids out of the house. Later that night, my wife and my son had a fight in the kitchen after he intentionally threw an egg on the floor to **** her off. They started shouting and she told him to get out. He said fine and left. I let him go because I honestly thought one or the other might start throwing punches. That's how bad it was.

He never came back. The police were called/etc (they did nothing). He ended up back at his friend's house not far from where his mother lives.

The friends are nice people it seems... But my kid has them convinced that he is a "good kid" and that all he needs is some "stability". They know all the family history, so they are convinced that his issues are all our fault.

The truth is that my son has had behavioral issues since he was in kindergarten - and that his early childhood really wasn't all that bad... He had two doting grandmothers. I was not a problem in my kid's lives until much later and during their early years I was around quite a bit and things were reasonably mellow. What happened later in the lives, as a result of my illness and actions, compounded by their step-father's offenses is mind-boggling... But, I do not believe it is the cause of my son's personality which seems to almost completely lack the capability for empathy, seems completely focused on immediate self gratification...

I have to figure out what is going to happen now. The friends say he can stay with them indefinitely - which is fine with us at this point... But I wonder if he is really going to change... or if eventually he is going to get bored with them and start using and manipulating them as well... I now have to tie up his loose ends with school and therapy down here -

The limb I went out on to help him was formidable... If my probation officer had come by - or if the neighbors had called to police to report the underage drinking and the girl, I'd be in JAIL right now. Riker's Island. Not the friendliest place for a guy like me.

We warned my son about this. He was *fully* aware of the risks to me if he brought anything illicit into our home.

My feelings range from sadness to anger. I wake up and miss him. At the same time I want to kill him and think it might be better off if he got hit by a bus. I feel suicidal at times myself... At the same time I am in the process of applying to graduate school and just joined a gym near my work.

I just want someone to tell me I tried my best. I want someone to tell me t his isn't fair. I don't get it from my wife. She's devastated too. But all she can think about is how angry she is, and how much she hates my son's mother.

I'm not in a very good way right now and I just need a little support...

Dear tritone,
It sounds like you did your best.
He definately has behavior problems.
HOw old is he?
just curious....
It sounds like he is getting ready to get into enough trouble himself to go to jail.
I am sorry that this has turned out like it has...
It sounds very frustrating.
I am sorry that you and your wife are not seeing eye to eye right now.
You have been thru a lot together, it will work out.
Come post when ever you need to we will listen.
((((HUGS)))):hug:
beth

Dear Tritone,

You did your best.
In a better world, you and your wife would have had enormous support systems in place for this experiment. It sounds like his situation was bigger than anything you were equipped to deal with.

And he's not your priority. You have your own legal and emotional priorities to focus on.

I'm glad that you are still in one piece and not in trouble.

I have to run out tonight but I wanted to post to you that you do have support.
M.

:hug:Titrone,

You acted out of courageous love and that I commend you for. You learned from it and I commend you for it. You did the best you could and I commend you for it. You have my support. Hugs to you. :hug:

Barbara

Tritone

Mari, Bizi and Befuddled are all right. I can add one thing your son,
will do what he wants whether at your home or someone else's.

I personally think its best for your wife and you that he has moved on.

Remember sometimes it takes toughlove.

Donna

Dear Tritone
 

It sounds like you really jumped through hoops and then some... what more could you do? (nothing i can see.) You were optimistic and protective and nurturing and reached out a helping hand and risked your neck doing it.

I'm so sorry the "payback" was so negative. It is not your fault. Donna made good points. I am confident you and your wife can make it through this difficult time - it is appreciable that both of you have ample reason to be furious and hurt and a bunch of other things. I'm sorry your wife cannot be of support right now. I remember when you posted in the past of great harmony between the two of you, and i hope soon that can be restored.

I'm on your side. I wish you only the best.

thanks for sharing and keep talking to us here. :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

Dear Tritone,

I'm sorry if I am all wrong, but I sort of remember earlier talk about a son causing difficulty. Is this the same son?


You've written here about how important your wife and you are to each other. I hope that the both of you reach a time very soon when you are ok with each other again.

M.

Thank you for all your replies,

My wife and I will be ok. She is very hurt. She blames herself because she let herself get into a combative mode with my son - I've talked to her about it. I think (in this case) that the statement about difficult things making you stronger is true. This comes on the tail end of a whole lot of disappointments and troubles last year. We even hoped that this year things would turn around for us and be better. Its been a tough blow for both of us. I explained to her that I'm hurting too... I just haven't shown it as much. I express it in the little things... complain about little things... but the big things I'm usually pretty tough. I think sometimes I don't really express my need for support on the big stuff. She was calling and im'ing me at work with it... I finally had to say that I am struggling with this myself... Work is actually one place I can think about something else... And that I can't afford to get upset at work... On a conscious level its just about trying to make his latest situation work out, and planning for a contingency if that fails... Its a little mechanized and automatic but I have to deal with it that way right now... He is my kid, so I have to keep myself straight enough to try and make the best decisions I can... I know she isn't his biological mother... I think she understands now that we just have to dry our eyes now and move on with what is best for everyone. I told her I can deal with it alone if it is too much for her and she can just detach from it; but I absolutely can NOT be there for her emotionally, AND handle this myself... That probably sounds really cold. Let me put it a different way - I know she is hurting about this, but we need to share that. The emotional hurt can't be all her's, it is mine too. Maybe we can get better at commiserating ;-) I think its been a little personal for her because she blames herself too...

Yes Mari, this is the same child.

I had a very nice conversation with the father of the family he is staying with today. He seems to have a more realistic grasp of my son's issues than I thought. I'm hoping that because this family is not related to us, and because they are someone my son has gotten to know on his own, that it will make a difference to him. If he begins hearing the same things and being taught about the same values, boundaries, sense of property, etc that we have tried to teach him - from someone else - maybe it will start to sink in. At least he'll hear it from a different angle. One that hasn't been chosen by his parents... I also got the impression that the guy really enjoys spending time with him, and teaching him how to do things in a one on one situation... The other side of it is that they have two kids of their own, and even the *kids* - who I know my son respects - are pressuring him to be a more thoughtful person. So maybe. Just maybe...

Dear Tritone,
That helps to talk to other adults (friend's father) Your son is safe for now and that is good news.
In the mean time, you can realize that you did absolutely the best you could for him.

M.

We went up to CT for a meeting with his mother, my wife and the family he is staying with.

It was pretty difficult for us. The dad seems to have all kinds of preconceptions about us and went into a very preachy mode with us. My wife got really upset and ran out... I went out after her and then I asked the mother of family he is staying with to talk to her. She's been through the entire step mother experience before and my wife gave her a lot of information my son and everyone else seemed to with hold. Basically they've made a lot of judgments about us that aren't really fair. Its very complicated... We are just telling ourselves that at least he has a place to stay right now... and they seem interested in him... I think they are greatly oversimplifying the issues... There are so many places to assign blame... My wife may well be the most objective one of all of us... and she feels like we've been run over by a steam train. I'm caught up in a lot of guilt...

I feel pretty flat. I'm ok I guess. I don't feel impulsive or anything... I'm hoping I'll get accepted into graduate school... My wife and I are talking about doing some counseling together which is probably a very good idea...

On a positive note we stopped into see my mother who is going to be 85. We had pretty much stopped talking to her because she had gotten very abusive... but she made a very kind gesture of friendship recently, and she's been sober for a few weeks... (she is a much nicer person when she is sober)... and we had a really nice time with her.

Dear TRitone,
This sounds very difficult for your family.
If they were disillusioned about the issues he faces they will soon see his true nature that is unless he chooses to change his behavior and straighten up his act.
Maybe he can change?
I am very glad to hear that you are thinking about couples counseling....this should help things between you guys.
glad taht you had a nice visit with your mother and that she was nice for your visit.
beth

Dear Tritone,

Well that's some good news -- that your mother stopped drinking at a time when you could benefit from some decent family reaction.

As you know, these things with your son take time.
It's very much ok that they family he is staying with does not have the whole picture -- and think about it, how could they -- it seems very complicated to an outsider?
Maybe it is better if they don't anyway.
Stay focused on what is important. It does not matter what they think of you. It matters that they want to try to help your son -- that part sounds like a blessing. It is a fabulous thing that for now, your son is in good hands.

Try to take one day and one thing at a time. Things have a way of working out one way or another over a looooong period of time.

Good luck with graduate school.


M.

I'm glad your mom has stopped drinking. That is one less thing on your plate.

Hugs,
barbara

Tritone

I believe that your son needs this family he has found. And that at some point he will find his way back to you and your wife. It sounds so weird to say. But things happen for a reason.

And I know how hard it is to let someone else be the parents to him.

Just keep working on getting some time with him. He needs to find out
that life isn't always going to be his way.

Donna

popping in...
 

Dear Tritone,

i don't really have any special words of wisdom that haven't already been said, perhaps better than i would have - and certainly using fewer words...

but i wanted to stop in and say i have been reading this thread and i wish all of you the best.

in the midst of all this i was really glad to hear your mom stopped drinking and of your good visit with her. drinking can change how a person behaves and they often can't see it until they get out really, much less how hurtful they can be to others while drowning troubles in drink. The fact that your mom stopped in her elder years is a difficult one too. That is a real victory for her, and must be a relief and a joy for you.

i hope that your son improves with his "fostering" family. They do sound good.

and i wish you and your wife well bouncing back from all of this.

i hope things come full circle one day like Donna says and your son grows to appreciate you and your wife more.

take care and keep us posted.

~ waves ~

Thank you for all the thoughtful responses...

I spoke to a family lawyer we know up there and she basically said that there is nothing for us to do. We can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do... And we don't really have any power to enforce anything one way or another in CT.

He really needs to be in therapy. Ideally something very intensive and daily, or even residential. His Mother up in CT tends to completely deny everything - but he really needs it. He also needs to be enrolled in school, even if there are only a few days left... but there isn't much I can do to enforce anything from here...

My concerns were that I would be held accountable for his actions, even through he is in another state 2.5 hours away... The lawyer said no judge she's known would hold us accountable since his mother is up there and lives 5 minutes away.

So I think we are just going to let the situation alone...

I joined a gym near my job and just got through my second week of going regularly. My body is still in "uh, what do you think you are doing..." mode... but I feel better for it. I was able to get by on one less Seroquel last night. The goal is to not take it at all... I'm down to the Emsam patch and a small dose of Lithium everyday, and then Seroquel at night. It seems to be working pretty well so far.

I was on the stationary bike today and had my headphones - and I found if I listen to heavy metal music and get my heart rate to around the same pace as the music, I can close my eyes and my mind goes blank! I mean no racing thoughts or anxiety. It sounds really stupid - but I'm serious. It was like an opiate high in that respect. I thought to myself it was a few moments of real inner peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Even at home trying deep breathing something *always* jolts me right out of it and I go into a kind of "mild panic" - maybe some of you know what I mean...

So far, I deal with it by either reading, watching TV, playing music, or doing computer work - but these are more like "distractions" - my thoughts actually came to a stop today for a few minutes and it was pretty cool.

thank you for checking back in
and that is so cool about your momentary nirvana....
I think they call that the runners high???
I take .5mg of klonipin to sleep at night but am also on geodon,
I went off ambien last summer and did not sleep for about 4 months...thankfully the klonipin and the increase in geodon does the trick.
we have to sleep!
beth

cool
 

Hi Tritone,

thanks for checking back in... and...

i thought this was really WOWWWW. :D if i had a way to get my heart rate up (can't run, have no gym or equipment etc) i would try this for myself! Definitely will keep it in mind. and it did NOT sound stupid!!!! thank you for sharing that.

Take care...

~ waves ~