Wy would someone do this? Espeically someone who loves you?
 

Why . . . not wy. . . I was so upset I didn't see this until I posted it. . .


I don't think it was directed at me, there would be no reason, but today my partner so severely pruned all our rose bushes that they may die. My big blooming Carefree Delights and my round and lovely Pink Meidilands are gone! I can't even bear to look out the front door right now. . . it is so ugly out there. Why would she do this even though we have books that say not to cut them back until winter? She knows better. All she could say is she couldn't work around them . . . so she trimmed them.

They are gone. . . the one sight I could count on every day. . .

I have never screamed like I did when I looked outside. . . she came running probably expecting to see my arm dangling and bloody or a huge spider devouring my foot or something. . . I really freaked. The one thing I could count on daily to be bright and beautiful . . . and now they are gone. I really flipped out . . .

Am I being too sensitive. . . . or should I worry that she wasn't thinking straight when she went beyond trimming, and took almost all the foliage and all the buds and blooms off of our roses? I am so depressed right now. . . .

Hmmm...
If she knows how you love seeing the roses out the window...
and she didn't even mention wanting to trim them ...???

either she got very frustrated at the bushes and cut them wayyy back out of anger at the moment
or she was being passive aggressive... about something else:(

I am sorry this happened to you ...In my 41yrs of marriage I have seen my husband do some pretty amazing and sometimes hurtful things.
He really can get inconsiderate when ill, or highly stressed.
On a daily basis he is a nice considerate guy...That was a major reason we got together and have lasted this long.

I think stress can make a person do things they would not normally do.

When I get stressed I tend to yell and it is over... he acts it out.
When he had a terrible boss years ago, it was hard living with him sometimes..He'd be so distracted at home and lose his normal self at times. He has always been a quiet type, and I have tried to open communication skills for him and it did work some.

I don't know what else to say...I can only come at this situation you are having from my own experience and point of view.

We all get stressed in different ways. We are all human and show it sometimes. Or having a bad stupid gardening moment (gardeners not prone to do) or a shout- out, passive aggressive? Talk.

I don't know how long a relationship you two have, or how long at this place, with those roses.

First let me tell you, they will probably live.


I know, that is NOT the point though.

My dh and I have an agreement about the yard though - he stays on HIS side of the land scape timbers, and I stay on MINE.

:D

If he weed whips off the top of my flowers, he knows I'm gonna tell him WHAT. And I don't mess up the grass. It's about respect, not the lawn.

I don't think you're being too sensitive. I think those were YOURS and if they were in somebody's way, somebody should have asked what to do about it, and not just hacked them to bits. Somebody owes you an explanation and an appology.

If her car was in your way, would it be okay if you just rammed it with yours? I don't think she'd think so!



:eek:

WE have cooled down and discussed what happened, and she truly did not relate the time of year to the trim she thought they needed. I reminded her that these two roses are different because they don't require that they be so groomed as do hybrids and teas. And yes, they probably will survive. . . .

It is the loss of the foliage and blooms at a time of year they are their best. . . I am still amazed how much pleasure I get from these easy-care roses. I will miss them. I know the biggest shock was based on the fact that within the last week I had remarked how very beautiful they had become and how much I enjoy them. There was no ill will intended.

Go from here and see what happens. With DH I have found out the hard way I must be very explicit in everything, l leave nothing/ no stone or subject unturned. No gray areas. "Do NOT touch my roses. Problem? See me first. As a team we'll figure it out."

I would think DH was lying if he said he didn't know now was wrong time to trim. Anyone who doesn't know beginning of summer is wrong time to trim shouldn't be trimming. Even I know that and I know not to weed, I always don't ID correctly. JMHO.

I was of the same mind, but I'm glad you said it first. That is the MO of the passive/aggressive. They don't confront you. They don't engage if you confront them. They just use all the gas in your car, and if you call him/her on it, "Oh, did I? Gee, so sorry! It won't happen again." Only it does. Or next time, they *accidentaly hack all your roses down.

"Well how was I supposed to know you don't cut them when they are full of flowers, in mid July?"

Yeah right. Like a 5 yr old doesn't know that.

:rolleyes:

That's the very definition of passive/aggressive behavior.

Ask me how I know - 25 yrs with one. They are like the jealous little dog who can't speak, and so she pees on the carpet to get revenge.

They are like the spiteful, spoiled children who doodle *I hate Mommy* because they've been sent to their room.

Sorry, but I think your friend is going to keep exhibiting these behaviors. Doing your laundry and accidently bleaching or shrinking things. Things will go missing, and she won't have a clue where they went if you ask her. If she makes some mistake, she will always have some great explaination, some justification.

Even you will feel it's you're fault - you are too sensitive. You must be. Everyone else thinks she's wonderful, don't they? She never says an unkind word in front of others, I would bet. She's charming and nice. So it must just be you....

You know, I really hope I'm wrong. But I saw myself in your post. 25 yrs + of *Why did he do that?* then thinking, *Why am I so sensitive* when he had some perfectly rational excuse.

I always thought it was me.

People who love you, real friends... they don't need all the excuses and rationalizations.

maybe she has ocd

I definitely understand...I spent all day before it got sooo hot cleaning my rose bed...one rose bush is from a hundred year old bush that belonged to my gggmother, I rooted that bush!! Now...my DH did not put the pinestraw nor any covering over the ground that he said he would...the grass has taken over.

I can't even see the danged roses when I look outside...my grandson dug up those bushes when we moved from Florida to here...if I lose so much as one danged bush...somebody is gonna need bail money. He says I didn't say he needed to do anything...:eek::eek:
Sometimes, we all do things a lil bit revengeful, even if we don't realize it...:Oops:
I would send you a flowering rose bush if I could...:hug:

Another Quote: When someone shows you who they are- believe them!- Maya Angelo. This situation is classic narcissicistic aggression barely covered in' gee, I didn't realize...'. Time for therapy with someone who understands boundaries very well. Have your own behaviors lately done something to take away, or kill -off a valued object/feeling of hers? This is unskillful communication at it's worst. Pretending it is unintentional is less than honest and allowing this is likely to give tacit approval to continue this game. With no resolution and possible escallation. Good luck, see someone soon for clarity, alone if you must.

Learning how to refuse to abandon oneself for any reason or person, no matter how much love is there between you is essential to ones health on all levels. Call it self love if you will, but no one can do this for you, after youv'e grown up, other than yourself. And no one can teach others how to treat us as we deserve if we refuse to honor ourselves and show self esteem and self respect for what we value. Gettting clear on boundaries is the adult solution.

Getting angry is the adult version of a response to a wound for a perceived wrong. Getting simply hurt and confused is the child-ish version of confusion over who is responsible for the wound. Which would you prefer to adopt? One makes oneself and others responsible adults, with shared issues but clearly defined boundaries eventually identifiable. The other makes only oneself responsible or the carrier of the feelings alone, with the other somehow not responsible. The victim perpetrator dichotomy is always falsely simple to fall into.

If what you truly felt is perhaps reflecting what she has been feeling,( but has no idea of how to express more skillfully). Then the more adult of the two is more empowered to seek solutions on how would you address these shared wounds, and boundary voilation issues more honestly and effectively?.

Boundaries are the key to all healthy interactions. they dispel confusion and bring sanity to relationships. It takes work and time, but if it is done with intention, anything can be resolved eventually. Read David Richo HOW TO BE AN ADULT for great primer well writen.Good luck to you both. Tingly toes

Sages
 

Wow! Brainbegone and Tinglytoes you two should have your own TV show or at least an advice column in a major newspaper. I'm serious: you are two smart cookies. One would be hard pressed to find a psychology PhD with half your insight into human nature.

I read your posts and kept thinking, “there's my husband” - right down to the empty gas tank. Seriously, he pulls that one all the time.

I wonder if people's passive aggressive tendencies become even more pronounced when their partner is sick or injured? I mean, they’re frustrated, but it wouldn't do to be seen displaying unmasked hostility against someone struggling with peripheral neuropathy like lefthanded.

Lefthanded, were you ill when you met your partner? Has your condition deteriorated while you’ve been together? There’s no doubt that serious illnesses and disabilities can strain relationships. The divorce rate for people with my brain boo boo exceeds 77%. (I hope you’ve got room for me on your virtual couches, Brainbegone and Tinglytoes.)

Good luck lefthanded and I’m sorry about your beautiful roses.

Tingly - :cool:

Right on the head about the immature responses. It's also a less confrontational approach, easy to back down if the disagreement gets too heated, and that person often gets cornered into being the one who appologizes, as if she/he is at fault for feeling hurt to begin with.

:rolleyes:

The hard part about doing counseling with these people is that they fool everyone else, they tend to tell the *truth as they see it*. They're often charming, and twist reality to suit their own perceptions.

When confronting my p/a friend, if I'm upset about the empty gas tank, he turns the topic to the fact that he washed the car. It's got nothing to do with what i'm saying really, but it makes sense to him.

The only way to deal with these people is to learn their tactics. Keep them on topic. It's not about the car wash, it's about my 3/4 tank of gas! What about that?


As soon as I started getting tested, my dh took off for a week - on business, he says. Two years later I found out, he went to meet up with an old girlfriend. He never admitted to that, i found out from my son.

Over 20 yrs of marriage, stayed with him through all his problems, and I have one health issue and he's ready to bolt?

I have since become a LOT more aggressive - yes, that is the word I'd use - in managing my life, my relationship. It's not all my way or the highway, but I am adamant about respect. I don't need him, and I'm not afraid to leave and he knows that now.

After everything I've been through, very little scares me - and being alone does not scare me at all.

I think the spouses start to wonder about leaving. but long term, maybe it's the sick ones who realize life is too short to deal with their mates. At least, I feel that way. I'll stay if it's good for me, but not out of any loyalty or guilt. When it's not good for me, if something better happens for me, i'm outta here. Life's too short.

Maybe, just maybe she didn't realize it and screwed up. I've screwed up plenty of flowers and stuff in my garden and sure in the heck didn't do it on purpose. And time of year to trim, transplant, etc.? Shoot, I've been known to ignore that and my garden is just fine. lol

They will grow back and if they don't ask her get you new ones for next year. It is special to you but in the grand scheme of life it really isn't worth causing tension in the relationship over. I am sure she meant no harm based on what you said about talking it out. If my Jim yelled at me about a bush I'd look him straight in the eye and tell him I am very sorry but it's not worth us being angry with each other. It's a plant and can be replaced or come back to life. :hug:

The rose bush is very pretty. It looks very similar the the Rose of Sharon plants that we have were in the area where I live. If it is, it is a very hearty plant and will come back just as beautiful as ever. Maybe, think positive.... it will probably come back even thicker than ever after being pruned.

I hope it all works out for you!:hug: