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MelodyL 07-30-2010 04:40 PM

My friend can't get into rehab
 
Okay, I really need some help here.

My friend is a 59 year old woman who drinks 2 bottles of wine EVERY NIGHT until she passes out.

She hit bottom last night and I finally got her to admit to herself that SHE NEEDED TO GO TO AN IN-PATIENT FACILITY.

She agreed, she called up a place Called Endeavor and she told them her story and this is what she was told:

"That's ALL you drink"??? Have you ever been arrested for DUI? She said "no"

Do you have suicidal thoughts? She said "no"

Other questions were asked, and she answered honestly.

She was then told:

"you DO NOT QUALIFY for in-patient rehab". "go to AA"

She just phoned me, she doesn't want to do the out patient thing. She wants to get away from some people that are detrimental to her mental health and she wants to get clean and sober and do the 30 days. She does have insurance but this facility said "No, you do not qualify", "Go to AA"

So what else can she do?

Are there any in-patient facilities where she can go for the 30 days. She can pay whatever her insurance won't cover.

I cannot believe that she has come this far and she finds an in-patient facility near where she resides and they tell her 'YOU DON'T QUALIFY".

What if she went to her local hospital re-hab ward, and announced "I am tired of drinking myself to death, I need help".

Will they help her? Or does she actually need to have an DUI, or suicidal thoughts under her belt?

I'd appreciate ANY advice.

I told her just now "Go to AA" and she does not want to. I cannot do anything about this but I figured I'd ask you guys.

Thanks much

Melody

Jomar 07-30-2010 06:24 PM

I think she can just go to check it out an AA meeting, maybe she will like it.

Getting away from her problems at home temporarily might help- but in the long run she needs to address those issues and find other ways to deal with those problems.

Just because she gets sober away from home doesn't mean those issues & people at home will disappear.

There should be private facilities she can go to, I don't know if Ins would pay or how much..
She could call the Ins help line and ask how is the best way to get help.
Or her doctor should know and maybe needs to rx a detox/rehab place.

It is a health issue - maybe it is time for her to disclose it to her doctor for help from that standpoint.

I'm assuming NY area - ny alcohol rehab
http://www.google.com/#hl=en&source=...0bee69b5aae820

MelodyL 07-30-2010 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jo*mar (Post 680514)
I think she can just go to check it out an AA meeting, maybe she will like it.

Getting away from her problems at home temporarily might help- but in the long run she needs to address those issues and find other ways to deal with those problems.

Just because she gets sober away from home doesn't mean those issues & people at home will disappear.

There should be private facilities she can go to, I don't know if Ins would pay or how much..
She could call the Ins help line and ask how is the best way to get help.
Or her doctor should know and maybe needs to rx a detox/rehab place.

It is a health issue - maybe it is time for her to disclose it to her doctor for help from that standpoint.

I'm assuming NY area - ny alcohol rehab
http://www.google.com/#hl=en&source=...0bee69b5aae820

No, not New York. And the lady on the other end told her "I do screenings and you'll get the same results if you call any other in-patient place". You do not qualify".

My friend was also asked "Do you cut yourself, do you hurt yourself, how is your health? She was completely honest and said "All my blood tests are normal, I never cut myself, etc. etc. She was honest?

The lady said "You do not qualify for any in-patient rehab, this place is not for you"

I just told her "you indicate that you want to stop drinking but you want to stop on YOUR TERMS, RIGHT??"

She replied "I have got to get away"

Lots of stuff going on.

I'm pm'ing you.

Thanks much

Melody

MelodyL 08-15-2010 04:38 PM

I'd like to run something by you (and all the people here).

I'm asking these questions because I don't drink, never have, so I have no idea what is the correct behavior in situations like this

My friend has told me she has decided to quit. I have been supportive. It's been 5 days. She phoned me yesterday and explained:

"tomorrow will be the real test, I'm going out to dinner with my husband's family and later on we'll be going to someone's house where they have been fermenting cherries in vodka and they'll be all this drinking".

I said: 'People ferment cherries in vodka, what do they do when the cherries are ready?" She said: "Oh, this is a once a year thing, and we always get together and we "KNOCK THEM BACK".

Since I had idea what she was saying I made her fully explain.

They have shot glasses, and they are sitting around a table, knocking back these cherry vodka things and they, of course, have dips and chips and whatever on the table.

I then asked her "you've been to these occasions before and you've joined in"

She said 'are you kidding, I've knocked them back with the best of them".

I said (and this is where I don't know if I was right or wrong), I said "well, do you think this might be a trigger for you?"

She said" 'Going out with these people (who drink all night, but obviously can handle their liquor, well, I have to go to these occasions, I have no choice. Everybody drinks, but they can handle it"

I said: "Well you are going out to dinner first right, what you ordinarily drink at dinner?" She said 'oh, I can drink glasses of wine"

So I said "you've been sober for 5 days, do you know what gift you have given your liver?" She said 'I take in everything you tell me, I process it and I learn from it". She then said "I'm not saying I'm never going to have another drink, but I don't like passing out every night, I mean, what does it do for me"?

I said "don't tell ME this, tell YOURSELF this. It's all about you, and your choices.

Oh, by the way, she went to ONE AA meeting two weeks ago. She was at the bottom obviously and I told her "You need to go to AA, if you can't get into any rehab"

She went to ONE meeting, decided that it was not for her, and she won't go back.

I said "that's YOUR decision".

Now here's the next question I have for all of you.

Her son is an alcoholic. For many years. She would go there and she would drink her bottles of wine till she passed out, and he would drink his beer and god knows what else they drank.

But now, she's been sober for 5 days.

She told me last night. I have not drank anything for 5 days, but I went to my son's house, and we went shopping and he asked me to drive him to the liquor store as we were passing right by the store" She said: "I'm not drinking, but I can't stop you, you have to stop for yourself".

THEN WHY ON EARTH DID SHE AGREE TO DROP HIM OFF??

She waited, he got his stuff, and then she took him home.

Isn't this enabling? I have not brought this up to her because it leads to more talk about drinking, and I don't want to always be her EAR every single night, so I changed the subject.

But I just want to know. Was I supposed to say something to the effect:

"Listen, you have decided to do the best you can by stopping drinking wine every night, but you didn't do your son any favors by driving him to the liquor store, even though it was on his way home. If he wanted to drink, he could have gone out AFTER you drove him home"

This is what I wanted to say but I know that she would have said: "but we were passing it anyway"

As I type this, she is at the house where everyone is knocking back vodka shots full of fermented cherries. Hey, it's her decision, if they all gang up on her and they all say "Cmon, have some".

This CAN'T be healthy, right?? Even if it's the custom of their country, this CAN'T be a healthy thing to do. Knocking back cherry vodka shots??


We went over this scenario. I explained that every single time I went to a party, or a wedding or whatever, people were always trying to get me to drink, but because it was never MY thing, I never had a problem saying NO!!

But she's never been in this kind of a situation before.

So I compared it to what I'm presently going through when friends and neighbors try to get me to eat stuff with sugar. I used to be morbidly obese and ate myself to being diabetic. That was a long long time ago. I lost the weight, I grow my own food, I'm controlling my blood sugar and you couldn't get me to eat crap if my life depended on it.

So when I go somewhere and there's coffee and cake and brownies, and STUFF, and someone approaches me with a plate, I just say "no thank you", and when they push, and say "Oh come on, everyone cheats, have a piece, I just quietly say "no thanks, I'm a diabetic". That usually shuts them up, But not always.

You have NO IDEA how people like to sabotage other people and I do NOT understand this. I have one woman who says to me "Why can't you just eat one piece of cake, it won't kill you, it's only one piece".

Then she'll go on and on and tell me about her brother who got so sick he had no appetite so we better enjoy what we eat now because someday we might not be able to eat anything.

This is NOT my mind set so I don't feel the need to eat stuff that is not good for me.

Try explaining this to other people. They don't get it.

See, I just want to know if I said the right things to her.

Thanks much

Mel

Leesa 08-17-2010 05:57 PM

You're exactly right, but ya know what? She doesn't want to stop for ALL TIME. She plainly said so. She said "she just doesn't want to pass out every night." She still wants to drink. :rolleyes: So there isn't a darned thing you can do about it. She hasn't hit her bottom yet. Unfortunately, some peoples' bottoms are very deep. :o

And you were correct about what you could have said to her regarding her son. Of course she's enabling him. But misery loves company too. She might just have him as a drinking buddy at times. Who knows? She would HATE it if he quit and she didn't. :eek:

When she loses everything, gets arrested, loses her home, husband, money, etc., then she just might want to quit drinking ~ IF she lives that long. I don't want to tell you how many members of AA I've seen go back out, and then hear that they died. :( Lets hope shes not one of them.

Thanks for all your help in trying to get her to SEE. God bless. Hugs, Lee

MelodyL 08-17-2010 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leesa (Post 686093)
You're exactly right, but ya know what? She doesn't want to stop for ALL TIME. She plainly said so. She said "she just doesn't want to pass out every night." She still wants to drink. :rolleyes: So there isn't a darned thing you can do about it. She hasn't hit her bottom yet. Unfortunately, some peoples' bottoms are very deep. :o

And you were correct about what you could have said to her regarding her son. Of course she's enabling him. But misery loves company too. She might just have him as a drinking buddy at times. Who knows? She would HATE it if he quit and she didn't. :eek:

When she loses everything, gets arrested, loses her home, husband, money, etc., then she just might want to quit drinking ~ IF she lives that long. I don't want to tell you how many members of AA I've seen go back out, and then hear that they died. :( Lets hope shes not one of them.

Thanks for all your help in trying to get her to SEE. God bless. Hugs, Lee


Hi Leesa:

Thanks for the warm words. Here's an update. So far, she is staying sober. SO FAR!!! She says "I asked myself a question last night. I wanted to go out, go into my car, and go to the liquor store (like she usually did), and buy some wine". Then she said "Why do I want to do this?, do I NEED to do this?" And she said to herself "Drink your seltzer". And she claims this is what she did.

I happen to believe her, because I speak to her every day, and she's been blasted every time in the past BUT NOT FOR THE PAST 8 days or so.

Will this continue? I have no clue. But I did warn her a few days ago. "Your husband might try and sabotage you and yell at you (they don't have a good marriage). I covered all the bases because I know that it could take ANY trigger that could set her off.

Sure enough, last nigh, they had a fight and he turned to her and said: "Why don't you go upstairs and have a drink?" I replied "Remember??? we talked about this, he's still mad at your for all the time you DRANK. Do you expect him to thing it's ALL DONE??"

She said "I know, I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS FOR ME"

I actually of course have no idea if she's done with the booze. I told her 'you can tell me you've quit, and then go and sneak but the only one you're hurting is yourself, and she said "I know".

I'm amazed that after years of passing out at night, one can just get the courage, guts and fortitude to just "give it up"

This is possible???

I always thought that when one has a drinking problem, and one drinks EVERY night until they pass out, and even drinks during the day, that one CAN'T quit by themselves alone, that they have to go into de-tox, and follow a program. At least this has been my assumption.

Anyway, I do thank you for your help.

Take care,

Melody

julia4 01-26-2011 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelodyL (Post 680480)
Okay, I really need some help here.

My friend is a 59 year old woman who drinks 2 bottles of wine EVERY NIGHT until she passes out.

She hit bottom last night and I finally got her to admit to herself that SHE NEEDED TO GO TO AN IN-PATIENT FACILITY.

She agreed, she called up a place Called Endeavor and she told them her story and this is what she was told:

"That's ALL you drink"??? Have you ever been arrested for DUI? She said "no"

Do you have suicidal thoughts? She said "no"

Other questions were asked, and she answered honestly.

She was then told:

"you DO NOT QUALIFY for in-patient rehab". "go to AA"

She just phoned me, she doesn't want to do the out patient thing. She wants to get away from some people that are detrimental to her mental health and she wants to get clean and sober and do the 30 days. She does have insurance but this facility said "No, you do not qualify", "Go to AA"

So what else can she do?

Are there any in-patient facilities where she can go for the 30 days. She can pay whatever her insurance won't cover.

I cannot believe that she has come this far and she finds an in-patient facility near where she resides and they tell her 'YOU DON'T QUALIFY".

What if she went to her local hospital re-hab ward, and announced "I am tired of drinking myself to death, I need help".

Will they help her? Or does she actually need to have an DUI, or suicidal thoughts under her belt?

I'd appreciate ANY advice.

I told her just now "Go to AA" and she does not want to. I cannot do anything about this but I figured I'd ask you guys.

Thanks much

Melody

If she still wants to go to rehab she should call her insurance company. Usually they will have specific facilities they have a contract with. She should understand though, that rehab is not "a place to get away". Its not a retreat, and it is very hard work. If she doesn't like AA, there are many other things she could look into(moderation management, Rational Recovery). You are a good friend to care so much, but the decisions have to be hers. Just continue to be supportive. Good luck

dovecottage 04-12-2011 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by julia4 (Post 738681)
If she still wants to go to rehab she should call her insurance company. Usually they will have specific facilities they have a contract with. She should understand though, that rehab is not "a place to get away". Its not a retreat, and it is very hard work. If she doesn't like AA, there are many other things she could look into(moderation management, Rational Recovery). You are a good friend to care so much, but the decisions have to be hers. Just continue to be supportive. Good luck

I wemt to my local hospital and told them I was drinking too muc which was leading me to having bad thoughts and severe anxiety. I went directly to the hospital re hab where I remained for 28 days. I received therapy both group and individual inaddition to attending AA meeting per day I have stayed sober and continoe to live a sober lifs. Good lucj.. Linda

MelodyL 04-13-2011 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dovecottage (Post 761814)
I wemt to my local hospital and told them I was drinking too muc which was leading me to having bad thoughts and severe anxiety. I went directly to the hospital re hab where I remained for 28 days. I received therapy both group and individual inaddition to attending AA meeting per day I have stayed sober and continoe to live a sober lifs. Good lucj.. Linda

Wow, way to go. Kudos to you.

Unfortunately my friend never did stop drinking. She chose a FORCED way to stop. She is also overweight. Last week she had Vertical Sleeve operation in which they remove 85% of your stomach.

It's a MUCH more severe operation than the lap band. She will not be able to eat anything more than a protein shake and some jello for quite some time.

When she told me she was doing this I said "but since you can have liquids, why won't you think you will still drink"?

She said: "oh no, you can't drink alcohol, you'll throw up"

So it's been 7 days since surgery, she can't eat, (don't really know if she's doing the wine thing because after all IT'S A LIQUID).

But at least she did SOMETHING.

Thanks so much for all the replies I got.

And kudos again to you for what you did. May you continue your sobriety.

I myself battled weight gains and losses for most of my life.

I finally got that under control.

Best thing I ever did.

Take care

stevem53 04-17-2011 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelodyL (Post 685425)
I'd like to run something by you (and all the people here).

I'm asking these questions because I don't drink, never have, so I have no idea what is the correct behavior in situations like this

My friend has told me she has decided to quit. I have been supportive. It's been 5 days. She phoned me yesterday and explained:

"tomorrow will be the real test, I'm going out to dinner with my husband's family and later on we'll be going to someone's house where they have been fermenting cherries in vodka and they'll be all this drinking".

I said: 'People ferment cherries in vodka, what do they do when the cherries are ready?" She said: "Oh, this is a once a year thing, and we always get together and we "KNOCK THEM BACK".

Since I had idea what she was saying I made her fully explain.

They have shot glasses, and they are sitting around a table, knocking back these cherry vodka things and they, of course, have dips and chips and whatever on the table.

I then asked her "you've been to these occasions before and you've joined in"

She said 'are you kidding, I've knocked them back with the best of them".

I said (and this is where I don't know if I was right or wrong), I said "well, do you think this might be a trigger for you?"

She said" 'Going out with these people (who drink all night, but obviously can handle their liquor, well, I have to go to these occasions, I have no choice. Everybody drinks, but they can handle it"

I said: "Well you are going out to dinner first right, what you ordinarily drink at dinner?" She said 'oh, I can drink glasses of wine"

So I said "you've been sober for 5 days, do you know what gift you have given your liver?" She said 'I take in everything you tell me, I process it and I learn from it". She then said "I'm not saying I'm never going to have another drink, but I don't like passing out every night, I mean, what does it do for me"?

I said "don't tell ME this, tell YOURSELF this. It's all about you, and your choices.

Oh, by the way, she went to ONE AA meeting two weeks ago. She was at the bottom obviously and I told her "You need to go to AA, if you can't get into any rehab"

She went to ONE meeting, decided that it was not for her, and she won't go back.

I said "that's YOUR decision".

Now here's the next question I have for all of you.

Her son is an alcoholic. For many years. She would go there and she would drink her bottles of wine till she passed out, and he would drink his beer and god knows what else they drank.

But now, she's been sober for 5 days.

She told me last night. I have not drank anything for 5 days, but I went to my son's house, and we went shopping and he asked me to drive him to the liquor store as we were passing right by the store" She said: "I'm not drinking, but I can't stop you, you have to stop for yourself".

THEN WHY ON EARTH DID SHE AGREE TO DROP HIM OFF??

She waited, he got his stuff, and then she took him home.

Isn't this enabling? I have not brought this up to her because it leads to more talk about drinking, and I don't want to always be her EAR every single night, so I changed the subject.

But I just want to know. Was I supposed to say something to the effect:

"Listen, you have decided to do the best you can by stopping drinking wine every night, but you didn't do your son any favors by driving him to the liquor store, even though it was on his way home. If he wanted to drink, he could have gone out AFTER you drove him home"

This is what I wanted to say but I know that she would have said: "but we were passing it anyway"

As I type this, she is at the house where everyone is knocking back vodka shots full of fermented cherries. Hey, it's her decision, if they all gang up on her and they all say "Cmon, have some".

This CAN'T be healthy, right?? Even if it's the custom of their country, this CAN'T be a healthy thing to do. Knocking back cherry vodka shots??


We went over this scenario. I explained that every single time I went to a party, or a wedding or whatever, people were always trying to get me to drink, but because it was never MY thing, I never had a problem saying NO!!

But she's never been in this kind of a situation before.

So I compared it to what I'm presently going through when friends and neighbors try to get me to eat stuff with sugar. I used to be morbidly obese and ate myself to being diabetic. That was a long long time ago. I lost the weight, I grow my own food, I'm controlling my blood sugar and you couldn't get me to eat crap if my life depended on it.

So when I go somewhere and there's coffee and cake and brownies, and STUFF, and someone approaches me with a plate, I just say "no thank you", and when they push, and say "Oh come on, everyone cheats, have a piece, I just quietly say "no thanks, I'm a diabetic". That usually shuts them up, But not always.

You have NO IDEA how people like to sabotage other people and I do NOT understand this. I have one woman who says to me "Why can't you just eat one piece of cake, it won't kill you, it's only one piece".

Then she'll go on and on and tell me about her brother who got so sick he had no appetite so we better enjoy what we eat now because someday we might not be able to eat anything.

This is NOT my mind set so I don't feel the need to eat stuff that is not good for me.

Try explaining this to other people. They don't get it.

See, I just want to know if I said the right things to her.

Thanks much

Mel

This may sound kinda blunt, but Ive been sober in AA for 21 years

Your friend hasnt had enough yet


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