Sons Terrible Decisions
 

Hi,
My name is Joyce. I am a 68 year old widow. I have 6 adult children, who I raised alone most of their years, when their father died. My son is breaking my heart. He is an alcoholic, but that is not the worse of it. He is 38 years old, and has recently admitted to me and his sibs that he has never been happy being a man, and is under going treatments for a sex re assignment. He is divorced, and his 4 children are extremely upset, and most don't want anything to do with him anymore. We have all told him how we do not accept this. I am disgraced, and ashamed. At this time, hearing from his brother who he works for, of how he is acting, and he is about to fire him. I feel I do not want to see him any more. I can use any advice. I am a Christian, and want to show Christian love, but am also very saddened about this. I need some good advice on how I should treat him, or is it right for me to not want to see him anymore. As I said I am broken hearted.

Hello Joyce and welcome to NeuroTalk.

Your sons story is very similar to someone I know who is Transgender. He has been going thru sex re-assignment. I believe he only has one more surgery and is taking female hormones.

He has 3 daughters. His oldest daughter has been my daughters best friend since kindergarten, the girls are now 15 years old.

This person is very happy living as a woman. He has never felt happy as a male and at one point did drink quite often as a way to supress his feelings. She (he) is a good person and my daughter spends time at her (his) home when her daughter comes to visit.

My heart goes out to you. I know it must be very difficult for you to understand. If it helps any.....Your son is very confused and unhappy living as a male however, that does not change the core of his being. Your son has decided it's time for him to be happy and to accept who he really is.

It would be nice if his family and friends could support his decision but I know that not everyone can accept something like this.

You are a mother of 6 and one has taken a different path. Are you willing to lose your child over this? He is doing what he feels is right for him and in the end if he is shuned by his family he will continue his lives journey without his family.

I really hope you can learn to accept the new him.

There is a sexual and gender issue forum at Psych Central which is run by the same person that runs NeuroTalk (Doc John) that might be helpful for you.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/postl...oard=sexuality

First, understand that I can imagine, as a mother myself, why this tears at your heart.

Now I'm gonna give you some tough love. ;) This is not about you, and it's not a reflection on how you raised your son. He is not evil or going against God. He has a neurochemical "miswiring" and truly believes he should have been born a woman.

Please be a true Christian and show your son the love and support he desperately needs. You may be the only one he can turn to during this time of emotional turmoil. Please be there for him, and lean on your faith to deal with your own emotions over this. He needs you now more than ever.

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))),

LIZARD :)

Thank you for your input. I am besides myself, and this is hard for me to accept. I am so ashamed, and haven't even told my best friends about what he is doing.

Joy---
I think Lizard gave you some wonderful advice. I can't imagine what you and your family may be going through. However, while you may not agree with his descion, believe it is "right" or support it; I would still support him in whatever way you could.Remember this is NOT about you nor is it your doing or reflect your parenting skills and what not. More importantly though, as a grandmother--- you mentioned he has 4 children; I think its important to remember that you are not only a mother, but a grand mother. Those precious children need you and if you choose dissaciate yourself from your son, you are also, in turn disassociating your self with you grand children-- which I am sure you do not want to do. Another thing I would strongly encourage--- and this goes along with the grand children, is although you may not agree with their father's life style choice, is to not let the grand children see the way you may feel. They are going to need as much positive support as possible. I know this is not exactly the same thing you are dealing with, but my parents got divorced after I was already an adult-- and the thing that bothered me the most, was when one parent said negative things about the other. No matter if I felt what the other parent was saying was true or not true, the fact that they got me involved made me feel pretty conflicted and "in the middle of them" per say.

Hang in there !

Thank you so much. I myself have been so hurt not only for myself, but for my grand children. You are right about my trying to make peace between them.

(((Joy))) I can't imagine how difficult it must be for transgenders to admit to their family and friends what they are going through.

And of course it tears at your heart because to you this is just not normal.

It's clear to me that if you truly love your son, you need to be there for him.

The issue of alcoholism, actually, is what bothers me. My best friend is a recovering alcoholic and there were times when I couldn't even see or speak to her because of her actions. I hope your son addresses his alcoholism. That's a miserable disease and in the end could take his life from the ravages of alcohol.

Life is MUCH too short to blame yourself or him or anyone else.

I don't consider myself religious. To me, Christian love isn't any different from the love I have for people/places/things. Christianity should be all about love.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope you find it in your heart to be supportive about his decision. AND encourage him to seek help for his alcoholism. :hug: