Trying to explain....I am not well.
 

This is hard for me to write about.
Since I tend to run on the mostly hypomanic side of bipolar it is hard for me to explain when I am "unwell".
For a while I have been running high.
I have been having a lot of fun...., have been enjoying the festivities...the christmas cruise, new years eve, my birthday and then birthday dinner surprise after that, valentines day, super bowl, mardi gras and a gala that was over the top....with my neighbor who is over the top.
Fun Fun Fun......
WE have been spending a lot of money eating dinners out. Spending more money in general....I have been less inhibited, more talkative, more friendly.

It seems that I am happy and enjoying my life but have been overendulging, have been eating nonstop have gained weight my scrubs look terrible, it is like I never slowed down enough to really see how unprofessional they looked I have to go buy new ones. sigh
I thought I was going to join a gym but that is very expensive and a commitment. Which I am terrible at making.
This weekend has been a blur.
Friday night I was so easily distracted and not paying attention that I was chatting in a chat room with someone and the phone rang and got distracted then jeff was watching a movie that I decided to watch with him and left that person in the chat room waiting for me to come back....terrible of me.
I felt so badly about it later when I returned to the computer and figured out what happened. This happens time and time again when I get hypomanic...I have to start back peddling to apologise for my behavior.
Because it is thoughtless and careless....not like myself...or is it. That is when I start to feel badly about myself,
and start to get mad and angry at myself...and then the self loathing comes up.
Yesterday I spent 4 hours with a girlfriend, we went to lunch and then a museum I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Later at the end of the day...I had already forgotten what I had done...the day was gone and I had to sit and think for a few minutes what I did then remembered my girlfriend and our outing...I had already forgotten. I was running so fast. I started reading this book on line about twilight. I was obcessed with reading I was so absorbed (the story is so good)that I continued to ignore the fact that it was getting late and I had to get myself cleaned up and do my exercises and get ready for bed and it was 1am. (Usually I take my meds and go to bed and lights out by midnight)....I sat there in the bathroom frozen unable to decide what to do first...it took me forever to get a grip and make myself do what I had to do. I had upset my routine. I got to bed at 2am....wide awake....waiting for my meds to kick in.
I feel like I get self absorbed and feel terrible about it all, like I have been ignoring Jeff.
So again I start apologizing...this is part of my bipolar and this is where I have to really pay attention and reel it in.
Jeff is not going to say anything to me about it. He concentrates on his music. I am already taking alot of meds, both my pdoc and tdoc tell me that I have to just learn how to deal with my behavior....and thus the consequences.
I have to slow myself down like I am doing and get back to reality and back to a more sane and moderate living.....
I am going to try not to beat myself up.
~sigh
bizi

Beth, may I suggest you call your doctor in the a.m.? Sometimes when high we think we can handle it on our own but in fact we often can not.

barbara

Dear Beth,

You reached out to us here.
On Monday reach out to the pdoc for help.
The pdoc can help you in real life.

M.

thank you mari,
I think I have a handle on it now...reining it in myself...it is just she has already said that I need to deal with this....that I can't rely on meds to fix my behavior.
I just asked jeff if he felt I was hypomanic and he said no.....
I can't explain my behavior last nite....it was childish, ignoring my responsibilty to myself the adult self and rewarding the child self,(escapism in this fantasy twilight book) the pleasure seeking child....does that make any sense?
bizi

Beth,
Yes, I see that you are rattled about this.

It does not make any sense to me that you beating yourself up.

You still need to call the pdoc and let her know that the past two days have been more intense in this regard than usual. Make sure she knows how you feel tonight. You can read / fax your post to her. She might not make any changes, but you need to be on record about what is going on.

Does your pdoc talk to you about adult self and child self?
Are those the things that she is working on with you?


M.

Yes we have talked about different developmental stages that I seem to be stuck in emotionally.
She thinks I am stuck in the adolescent stage......
bizi
When I get hypomanic I retreat/revert back to earlier stages of development....(not adult behaviors)

Dear Beth,

I'm sending lots of hugs and good thoughts :hug: :hug: :hug:

I hope that you feel better.

M.

dear beth
i do think you need increases in medication in periods like this. the same way with my depression but i would rather trade. yours sounds like so much more fun but they are both very dangerous. I am so afraid you are putting yourself in harm's way and don't realize it. during these times your judgment is impaired but it seems so innocent nobody takes it serious. TAKE IT SERIOUS.
WE WANT YOU TO TAKE THE BEST CARE OF YOURSELF. CERTAIN TIMES WE CAN'T DO IT OURSELVES
FONDLY
BOBBY

Bizi, it is good that you can be objective enough to know that something is wrong at a time when you can still rein yourself in - as my pdoc says that can keep a lot of trouble away.
If Jeff doesn't think there is much wrong, things can't be that bad.
Sometimes if there is an event that sends one into a high, the sheer momentum continues for quite a while, and then suddenly everything goes into a tailspin. May be you've reached that stage now.
Call and see your pdoc asap and meanwhile self observe. You seem to be good at that. :hug: