I give up.
 

I seriously can't take this anymore. I haven't been fine since my symptoms showed up in September. I've been hiding in my room like a hermit, shutting myself off from the world...and I'm not seeing any results.

Every day, I wake up and it's something else...some different uncomfortable feeling. It's not just anxiety and PCS symptoms I'm dealing with, it's psychological stuff too. I can't even explain the way I feel everyday...I don't know how to explain it. I wish I could just have some typical PCS symptoms, that would be great.

Right now, I'm all screwed up...I could barely put together some macaroni and cheese. My brain feels like it's completely shut down and I've gone mentally retarded. I had horrible chest pains earlier right around where my heart is, my face feels hot, I've got pressure in my head and neck...but the physical symptoms isn't what is bothering me, it's the psychological, uncomfortable, just not right feeling I'm having.

I didn't even do anything yesterday...or the day before. I stayed in my room and occasionally posted on here...I just laid in bed. That's pretty much what I do everyday...and I still don't feel right. I had a few good days at the beginning of this month where I felt "almost normal". It was great...but that doesn't happen much. That's actually the first time I've felt like that since the injury.

The only thing I can think of that might be making me feel like this is blood pressure. They say you can't tell if you have high blood pressure though...it has no symptoms. So I don't know.....my heart is beating so hard (not fast, just hard and weird) right now its rocking my body as I lay in bed. I'm starting to get delirious.

I don't know...I just give up. I can't take care of my son like this.

I might be going off to the psychiatric ward here pretty soon.

1. I am so sorry that you're having to suffer like this. Nobody should have to go through that.

2. I am spending my days pretty much the same day you are spending yours: sitting in the dark by myself, listening to audiobooks, posting on here, "reading" posts via my text-to-voice software, etc. I can't even look at the screen briefly without two pairs of sunglasses and a transparent yellow plastic cover over my screen. I can't read, can't watch TV, shouldn't drive (but do so anyway because I have no choice), can hardly listen to any music, can only have limited conversations with people, etc.

3. Before this happened, I had already been suffering from sometimes crippling OCD for 15 years--and nothing I have dealt with since my brain injury has come close to being as excruciating and agonizing as my severe OCD episodes. I also had chronic fatigue syndrome for 10 years before acquiring my brain injury. I have dealt with both of these conditions primarily by myself; I have been isolated for the majority of the past 12 years.

4. When I got my brain injury (by being rear-ended while sitting at a red light), I was 4 months away from defending my dissertation and getting my Ph.D, which I had been working on in poverty for the past 8 years. Before that, I had already nearly had to drop out twice because of the OCD and CFS. Now I can barely read or write because of the light sensitivity and dizziness, and still haven't defended my dissertation. My career is in pretty serious jeopardy.

5. Despite all that, there are many, many reasons for me to go on living, and there will come a better day in my life. Five years from now, I will be in a better place and will be so glad that I didn't give up. You are younger than me, and have A LOT of life ahead of you. Chances are excellent that you will recover at least most of what you have temporarily lost due to PCS, and will be able to go on leading your life and perhaps accomplish great things. So you absolutely may not give up. You owe it to yourself and all the other people you will help in your life to keep fighting and never give up.

6. I'm going to post soon about James Stockdale, who was a POW in Vietnam for seven years and endured unspeakable suffering, including 2 years of solitary confinement. After the war, he went on to become Ross Perot's vice presidential nomination and wrote several books.

7. Nothing I said in the above post is intended in any way to minimize the awful suffering you are now enduring. Many people will never go through anything as difficult in their entire lives. You will not only survive it, but will come out on the other end a better person than you would have been without it. Many people who never endure suffering end up being selfish and unable to empathize with others--as we discussed in your post yesterday.

8. Be strong, love yourself, and endure your pain with courage and dignity. A better day will come, my friend.

Nick said <They say you can't tell if you have high blood pressure though...it has no symptoms. >

All you need to do is take you blood pressure when your symptoms increase. Didn't you order a BP home kit?

Have you asked about getting some blood pressure meds, propanolol, etc.?

I was ordering one online but the transaction failed....not enough funds. I'm going to get one from Walmart when my Unemployment drops on my card this week.

I missed the appointment on the 31st last month because I couldn't even get out of bed. I haven't felt good enough (long enough) to schedule another appointment and borrow my mom's car. Nobody has time to take me to my appointments.

I'm getting a car hopefully this weekend....then I could take myself next time I have an okay day and feel up to driving.

nwsmith

You definately need to take the bp. Its possible that a lot of
the problem has to do with this. I had bp problems, and when
put on a medicine it cleared up that particular part of the problem.

I didn't even know I had a problem. Luckily it showed up almost
immediately. After I almost fainted.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

My fellow hermit (Pete),

I'm sorry to hear your living pretty much the way I am...it's not the business. Thank you for spacing out and numbering your reply, too.

Your light sensitivity sounds pretty vicious. I, too, am struggling with light sensitivity...as you can see in my signature. I'm not sure it's as serious as your's, but it's pretty bad. I have my computer/laptop screen turned all the way down...and when I'm in the dark room, that still doesn't help. My smart phone is on the lowest setting as well. I'm going to have to try that transparent cover over the screen thing. You described it pretty good in a prior post...it's like when your taking a nap and someone comes in and turns the lights on suddenly...lol.

Are you able to work?

What kind of OCD were/are you struggling with? I'm dealing with some extreme OCD myself...I don't even want to talk about it in public, maybe I'll PM you sometime about it?

Thank you so much for the encouraging words...It truly, truly means a lot to me. I'm sorry it took me a minute to respond - I've been screwed up all day and just barely pulled myself free of that uncomfortable, debilitating mind-state.

Dmom3005,

Yeah, I'm working on it...I had an appointment with a NP who was really great to me the last time I seen her. I completely missed the appointment the 31st of last month because I wasn't even well enough to get out of bed. I'm hoping that the majority of these strange feelings and mind-states I'm put in are blood pressure related...and the medicine will do me justice.

Sorry to hear you went through something similar, glad you got it under control.

Thanks...:)

You sound very much the way I felt through most of November and December and January. I was seriously depressed. I mean, SERIOUSLY. I assume you've seen a psychiatrist? Seeing a counselor on a regular basis to talk to someone? Do you have a friend who can come hang out with you a couple days a week in the dark?

It sucks. It really and truly sucks. I am just starting to come out of it now after a med change and a lot of really horrible days. Hope you see light at the end of the tunnel soon.

Hi...yeah, I haven't really been depressed this whole time...mostly just anxiety and just slight depression. Now, my symptoms are starting to get worse...for some reason and I'm doing EVERYTHING right now....I'm avoiding arguments and stress, I'm spending my entire day in a dark room, I'm eating 3 meals a day (might not be the healthiest foods, but yeah), I'm taking vitamins, my stimulation is very minimal...No TV and limited computer time...I just don't get it. I could understand if the symptoms stayed the same, yeah it takes time to get better...but for it to get worse? It doesn't make sense.

THAT is what is making me depressed...that would make anyone depressed.

I tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy...I became a space cadet after his first question. I'm not very good with conversations and keeping up with what people are saying...I get overwhelmed easily and just want to hide in the room away from everyone. I talk to my sister throughout the day, just small talk here and there...and I text with my ex-fiance. That helps me feel a little bit more alive. It doesn't fix the problem though :(...

I'm considering a med change here pretty soon.

Are you playing video games on your smart phone?

When I play very simple games on my Android tablet, it will wipe me out.