the day Nov 6th 2009 - *TRIGGER*
 

This post may be very triggering for some members.

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The day Nov 6th 2009,





Colleen; Sitting in the computer room it was a day like all others. I was just cruising the net looking at some posting from my friend Scott.
And my Husband walked in the door.........accompanied by my daughter Marissa, who was looking very very unsettled.
My first thought was oh nooooooo Rissa what did you do?
She had her friend Abby at her side.
Kevin walks up to me and says whatcha doing baby? he had a odd look about him a nervous smile...
told him what i was up to and he said grabbing my hand ....come here lets go talk....I'm confused now as we pass Rissa he says "Abby love on Rissa for me".
We proceed back to the bed room where he sit me down on the end of the bed and kneels between my legs.......Any other time ,this would have been a good thing :):p
Not today, Not Nov 6th,
As i sit here writing this recalling the moment as if to watch a movie in my mind ,i feel shaken....and the hurt creeps up my torso, my fingers pause before me as i sit staring at this screen. Knowing where im about to go. I have never walked through this experience until now.
The news I'm about to be delivered will change my life forever.
"baby" i have bad news.............{im stiff with fear my eyes widen as i know this is beyond a teenage mess up at school or a lost job or a flat tire.}
Kevin: It's your brother.........
Colleen: what? what? what about my brother?.....
Kevin: baby.................. he is gone ....
Colleen: shaking ...WHAT WHAT what do you mean he is gone?
what are you talkin about ? where is he i strat to push him away from me
Kevin; no baby .......he is gone ...he is dead...
WHAT WHAT NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONOOOOOOOOOOOOONOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT SHUT UP NO NO NO NO PLEASE NO. get offfffffffff me get offffffff me shut up!
kevin: baby baby baby it isnt Terry terry is ok it is SeanThose words will be branded in my head forever , as if because it wasnt the brother i was closer to he didnt matter
Colleen : noooooooooooooooooooooo STOP GO AWAY GO AWAY STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE STOP NO NO NO NO NO
OMG OMG NO NO get off me OMG OMG OMGno no no no OMG NO NO MY MOM!!!!!!!!!! MY MOM MY MOM
I HAVE TO GO! I HAVE TO GO! I HAVE TO GO! ,,,I TRY TO RUN OUT THE BED ROOM DOOR kevin grabs me and holds me tight and i fall to the floor....noooooooooo noooooo please nooooooo pleaseeeeeeee pleaseeeeeee please stop please kevin please stop dont do this no!
he is hold me ......i cant move i need to go ...{my poor babies my babies ,had to hear this had to here me loose my brother had to be witness to me finding out that my brother my big brother was dead}.
why what why why what ,what happen .
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG **** **** no no on no
omggggggggggggggggggggggggg
my mom does my mom know?
omg my mom ,my mom isnt going to be ok!!!! i have to be with her i need to be home right now right now i have to go. My dad my dad my dad terry terry .{I feel so stuck}. oh my ****ing god Nooooooooo please
pleaseeeeeeeeeee let me go as kevin held me in his arms,please let me go.
Kevin: where are u goin to go Colleen? i dont know but i have to go i have to go now my mom needs me.Terry and my Dad need me!I have to go.My family alllll in philadelphia me in michigan 600 miles away, i felt like a wild animal in a trap,
I call my brother Terry
I hear his voice anwser the phone,,,a broken devastated brother crying he cant speak, he got the news at work....he cant talk we are just crying, he says im so sorry colleen i love you and hangs up the phone on me.
i call my fatehr......My poor father.....
He anwsers the phone i have to keep it togehter i have to be ok...i have to be ok....for my dad
Colleen; dad? i can hear his shaken pain in his voice the strength he is tryin to have for me... he is suffering he just lost his son.an hour ago, and he still has to be a dad to me and my brother. how do you be strong when you loose ur child?
Dad; Colleen im so sorry.{tears hurt }
Colleen: what happen!!!!! what happeennnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!tell me it isnt true pleaseeeeeeeeee pleaseeeeeeeee pleaseeeeeee
Dad; baby i dont know, he killed himself.
Colleen; tears tears nooooooooo nooo dad nooooo no no no no
Dad; i know i know i know honey im so sorry
Colleen: how , how how did he do it what did he do??????{ I for some reason dont know why but wheni heard assumed he had shot himself?}
Dad; well i dont know for sure he was just found an hour ago, But from what i understand { he starts to cry harder his voice barly understandable} honey .....he hung himself....
COlleen; omggggg omgggggggg omggggggggg

As the piece of this broken life experience came together....the pain grew and grew and grew
colleen;who found him?
dad : from what i understand he did it at the camp ground that he and Shannon had a place at.
{im now painting a picture in my head an unavoidable pic in my head of MY BROTHER ,the only words i can speak are no no no no no no}

And it just plays over and over in your head doesn't it! I'm sorry Colleen but I know your need to tell it, write it, say it. :(

One day, I promise you, you will be able to remember all the good times, the good memories of Sean without first remembering how he died. :hug:

im so sad, and it hurts so so bad so bad

(((Colleen))) Jeffrey Jackson had this to say about shock and grief.

"The shock and grief that consumes us after we lose someone to suicide is overwhelming. It feels like a hole out of which we cannot possibly climb. But these are natural feelings that will dull as you pass beyond the early stages of the grieving process.

The best thing you can do is simply let yourself feel this way. Don't feel that you have to "hold it together: for anyone else - not even for the benefit of children. If you need to talk about it until you're hoarse, then do it with anyone who will listen. If you need to cry, then cry. (in fact, think of a day in which you cry as a "good day.")

Jeffrey Jackson lost his wife Gail, to suicide when she was 33 years old..she took a deliberate overdose of pills. He described the ensuing weeks, months and years as the most difficult of his life. But he did
survive it, rebuilt his life eventually and found happiness again.

So it is possible...there is hope out there but it takes a very long time.

He said, "For the person you lost, the pain is over. Now it's time to start
healing yours."

:grouphug:s for the room, especially Colleen.

So sorry about the triggers. They do pop-up at the oddest times. Hope one day they will not hit so hard...((((HUGS)))):hug:

I just wanted to leave a hug for you Colleen. :hug:

I know nothing I can say will make it better, but I can offer at least that hug.

I'm sorry for your loss, keep talking to us okay?

:hug:

((colleen)) I am so glad you found this safe place to express yourself. I just don't know what I would have done without all these wonderful people! :hug: I read your story and was just bawling. Another family destroyed.... so tragic and I am so very sorry for all of you.

Hold on tight to each other, keep talking and sharing.....

I am still waiting on the day ((Alffe)) promises, ..... I know how hard it is to share, but it is harder yet to try to keep it in. Some times I share, and other times I withdraw into myself. I just feel no one can possibly understand.... then I read posts from people like you and alffe, and I remember, I am not alone in this pain. I can not know your personal pain ((Colleen)) but I do know the rollercoaster ride you are on...

Keeping you and your family deep in my heart, thoughts and prayers:hug: Nikki

my brother
 

Colleen
 

He was a good looking man. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I just want to add this:

A HUGE THANK YOU to the moderators of this Forum: Chemar, Jo*mar, Koala77, Kitty, mrsD with an extra huge HUG for Chemar! :hug: .... for marking the trigger.

Its because of folks like you (and the founders and members of this forum), we can share pain on our path to healing.

Thanks for allowing us to gather around Colleen.