Dating after toxic relationship
 

I don't know if I picked the right icon for trigger warning so here goes: this post contains mentions of body image issues, eating disorder and an abusive relationship. It's not graphic but it is present. If any of that is a potential trigger for you then please exit the thread.





I saw there was a dating thread a page or two back but thought it better to start my own. I'd say I don't know where to start but the beginning would probably be a good point. I dated this man I'd been friends with since we were 15 for two years and it was the worst mistake of my life. As friends, we were great and even when we dated, in the beginning. For the first 8-9 months everything was wonderful. He was sweet, considerate basically everything I could have asked for in a man, but then he changed. Compliments turned into thinly veiled criticisms and suddenly I couldn't do anything right in his eyes. I was too needy, whiney, fat, unmotivated and countless other things I can't bring myself to repeat. He refused to see I was terrified of exercise because I didn't want to risk a relapse in my eating disorder recovery. Couldn't see how happy I was to have gained the 20-30 pounds I needed to stop feeling like I was freezing when it was 80° F out. That I wasn't needy for wanting to hear his voice a single time when he'd go somewhere for work. I wasn't fat for weighing barely 115 pounds. Nor was I in any way unmotivated for never having actually worked. I just couldn't get out of bed most days due to extreme exhaustion, achy joints and a few other things.

You know what hurt almost as bad as the emotional abuse? I found out toward the end of the relationship that he'd been cheating for 18 of the roughly 24 months we'd been together. I can't say I was surprised but it still hurt an unbelievable amount. It's been 10 months since the break up and I only started dating again two to three months ago. I met this man that I really like but I'm scared. He's smart, kind of funny, likes a lot of the same things I do and he really listens to me and takes a active interest in what I'm passionate about.

There's just a couple issues. 1: I'm frightened he'll turn out to be the same way my ex was. 2: I can't read him the way I can with others. He's already said he likes me but I don't know. I'm trying not to doubt everything but I feel like I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship anymore.

Sorry to dump this on y'all but I just didn't know. This has been eating away at me for a couple days now. Mods, sorry if I posted in the wrong area.

Hi Bright Eyes,

When someone damages us and destroys our faith in Humanity, it takes a long time to recover.

Yet, your new partner seems to be trying to live up to your expectations, and only you will know when you are ready to fully trust again. Have you explained the previous situation to your new partner? Maybe not everything at once, but the body image abuse issues would give him a good insight into how you have been hurt, and how difficult things are for you.

Perhaps it is no bad thing that you cannot 'read' him fully, a little mystery allows a longer time to get to know each other deeply.

Finally, always remember the heart and mind are resilient to mistreatment in the form of broken relationships, especially when there is another to take it's place. Trust will come again.

Dave.

It takes time to really learn about anyone, if he is worth getting to know for the long term, just go slowly , it can take 2 years or so to really know someone... so don't jump in 100% until you are sure...

I guess I just didn't expect it to hurt as deeply and intensely as it has.

The...whatever it is I have with him seems to be going okay. I'm a touch hesitant to refer to him as my partner or use the word relationship considering how new it is. He did share something extremely personal recently that helped me understand why he seems closed off. It made my heart hurt for him, but it's a step in the right direction. No, I haven't told him about the body image issues or abuse yet. I know it's something I should address sooner rather than later, but there's still that small part of me that thinks he'll hate me and consider me damaged if I bring it up. Rationally, I'm aware that if he does react like that then he's not worth having in my life anyway but fear of this sort is rarely logical.

Mystery does appeal to me and while I can't help feeling even more drawn to him because of it, I'm also scared witless by that. Not being able to predict how he'll react next puts me on edge.

I'll keep that in mind and try trusting one day at a time until I'm given a good reason not to.

That's true. I knew my ex for over five years before we started seeing each other and he still managed to reveal a side of himself I'd never thought existed. Yeah, I'm really trying not to get attached too fast.

Go S L O W L Y......I thought I knew my ex husband...

There are hints that people give off of their true natures.

1)Men who abuse/belittle service people (waiters, waitresses, store clerks, etc) by being pushy, rude or critical of them... are to be avoided if you want a considerate partner. These guys will often call others idiots, or stupid or worse to make themselves feel superior.

2)Men who tease excessively children, pets (dogs and cats), and laugh while doing so, are to be avoided too. Men who abuse animals are sadistic and should be avoided at all costs.

Often potential partners can summon up some nice acting for YOUR benefit, but they often don't keep it up in the rest of their lives, so if you witness disrespect to others or animals, LISTEN to that as a warning for yourself.

About 70% of narcissists are men, so this is a common trait. These guys are only interested in themselves and what YOU can provide for THEM. They will turn on you with anger and sometimes cruelty or violence if you disappoint them.

It takes a long time as others have pointed out here to discover the hidden traits of some men. I had the misfortune to have a father to teach me first hand how interpersonal sadism occurs in a home situation. So I have zero tolerance for this in my adult life.

Very wise words MrsD.

I need to forward that to my daughter. Age 20, in love, and I'm wondering "oh Dear Lord, what happened?" She has fallen in love, so best to let it take it's course.

Meanwhile I just need to avoid pounding my head against a wall. Gives me a headache, and doesn't do anything to improve the wall. :p

My wife just thinks I'm too Polly Anna in nature, always the optimist, but have to admit.... Boyfriend gets tossed out by Dad. Moves in with Mom (divorce parents) and she tosses him out after a month. Doesn't seem to be able to hold down a job due to "everyone else is a idiot". Yet my daughter feels sorry for him, so he is moved in with her. Deep breath.... deep breath...Meanwhile she is talking with her friends, as they don't seem to like the new guy...

For Bright Eyes.... best is to keep the fellow as a friend (if possible) and just realize he isn't the one....