Lost in a Dark Place! (Possible Trigger)
 

I had my spinal fusion in june of this year and after years of chronic pain I was sooooo happy to find a NS that said he may be able to help! I was feeling so good about things and I went in, had the surgery and woke up in He**!
They had many complications during surgery and they were only able to fuse 2 levels due to a swollen epidural vein and then the surgeon nicked the dura of my spine so first 5 days in the hospital I spent flat on my back....(due to bleeding into the spinal fluid) and the nurses were horrible.....they forgot to feed me, never bathed me...refused to give me pain meds (I was on pain pump and some careless nurse turned me and ripped out my central line and I had no veins to stick) and it went on and on! I had no family staying with me so I felt pretty alone!
I went home in 10 days since I told dh how awful it was there so we insisted and dh had a hospital bed set up for me...and then things got even worse.....my legs would just go out on me...I became incont........constipation sit in...I was put on Lryica and lost about 6 weeks of my life (confusion, black outs) and during that time a 19 y/o friend of my ds's gf took advantage of my mental condition and robbed us of meds, a gun, family jewery (can't prove it but she was only one in my room alone) and then just when I think things can get no worse I lost all feeling from waist to the tops of my thighs and also my left arm hand, left leg and foot....went and had a MRI and NS told me I now have Arachnoiditis....! He then put in a call to my PM advising I be put on a pain pump (that was 2 weeks ago and still no word from Pm) and then I came home and began researching the net about this condition and found out it is a progressive desease with no known cure:(
I have withdrawn from everyone....stopped posting at my low carb forum where I have been active for more then 3 years, daily....and just can't seem to drag myself out of this gloomy dark place that is my life! I make myself bathe once or twice a week....stay in bed most days, just don't care about anything anymore! I have continued reading here and at Bt....put can't bring myself to post until now and even now am not sure I will click the submit button!
I had filed for SSD in may thinking it might be possible that I could go back to nursing if fusion was a success but now I see my career is over and although the new Dx may help be win my claim, the price is awful high. sigh!
I won't lie....the thoughts of ending it all have crossed my mind....but my will to live is still too strong! I do understand there are folks out there much worse then me....but I never thought my life would go so wrong:(
Thanks for listening!

Hi Junie. I'm so sorry that the surgery wasn't successful and that you are in such pain. I'm glad you did hit the submit button.

Remember we are here for you.

Gentle hugs!


Julie

Junie...what a horrible thing to have happen to you! I am SO sorry to hear that your past weeks have been so painful for you...:(

I'm glad you hit that submit button, too. Hopefully by doing that you sent at least a teensy-weensy bit of your %@$# pain here, where everyone else can help get rid of it.

I've done the bed-thing though, and know how miserable it can be. I do so hope that you improve enough, and quickly, to at least get back on your feet some and move around better. Please keep everyone posted when you feel able.

My thoughts and hopes are with you...

Idealist

(((((junie)))))

i'm glad you had the courage to hit that submit button. i know it's hard sometimes.

you have been through a horrible and painful ordeal. pain itself can cause depression. the loneliness and dispare at the poor treatment you got would have lasting effects.

i am so very sorry that you have had all this happen to you.

besides any pain meds have you been given any anti depression meds? anyone to talk to?

we are here for you junie. my healing prayers and thoughts for you.

Curious

ps...awesome on the weight loss!!! i bet you have been an inspiration. when things are better, i bet you will post on your low carb forum...or the weight loss one here.

June,
 

Your "voice" holds hope and self-esteem. People like to help people like that. I happen to know a couple of people out your way, so I'll mention you to them. An extra bonus today only: having just had a very positive hospital stay myself, I have some extra good thoughts and prayers lying around, so I'm forwarding those along with my own.

I've been to the depression pit, too, and I learned that clinical depression (as opposed to down-in-the-dumps) is not something you drag yourself out of. It needs proper diagnosis and treatment, most experts say. I hope that you will soon be finding clues to the path that leads to a new and positive life; it will be a tough one, but in some ways can be better than the one whose script was just destroyed.

Keep us posted, ok?

Jaye
Parkinson's Disease forum

Junie, I keep returning to this forum to reread your post, hoping I can think of something positive to say to help you out of the gloom that's become your life since the failed surgery. No one could blame you for feeling the way you do at this time in your life. You've lost more than your health and I admire your willingness to share that pain here.

There is a safety net...and it's the people who "hang out on these forums". I always hope for a better tomorrow..that the promise of time will give a new prospective to the reality of today.

Please know that we are here for you...and it does help to talk about it.

Gentle hugs.

So Sorry
 

Junie.........no words.......just ((((HUGS))))

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b2...575-19-044.jpg

I am sorry if it seems like I don't care enough to post again...and that I don't appreciate all thats been said here because I do.....I don't know whats wrong with me anymore....its like I am part of the living dead.....just going through the motions of life...afraid to feel anything......I feel as though I have no one....dh thinks most everything is in my mind....accused me of inventing the Sx to go along with the Dx....little does he know I had my MRI because of the sx....the numbness that won't go away...the pain that travels all over my body (except for the never ending back pain that never leaves) ....and my sons would rather not think about it since that would mean moma may not get better, so we joke about it if it ever comes up....my extended family including my sisters (except for one) and mom and oldest son would rather not have anything to do with the family junkie....none of them even bothered to come to the hosp when I had the fusion....so its just so sad that my only link with the rest of the world is virtial friends.....I miss human contact....the feel of someone actual touching me......the only IRL contact I have is my faithful dog, a mini schnauser....if not for her I would not have made it!
Don't get me wrong...I am grateful I have this place to come to...I know I sound like a nut.....but I can't help but wonder how long a person can survive without human contact...anyone know???

(((Junie))) I hear you and I am so sorry. If only I could reach thru this screen and get my arms around you. So happy to hear that you have a dog and he has you....dogs are reasons to live...hold him close.

Do you attend church? I ask because it can be a wonderful support group in your life...loving people who show up just "because".

Please hang on....I'd get very aggresive with a dr. or two about the amt. of pain you are in. Sometimes we just have to get loud with the medical profession in order for them to hear. Do not try to be brave!!! Please call your dr. in the morning.

Gentle hugs.