Lifelong depression
 

I'm 19, and while growing up, I had no friends. No real ones, anyway. I started self harming when I was in kindergarten. Everyone I have ever opened up to about that have turned away and simply thought I was lying to get attention.
So, now, I guess I'll just post it here, hope someone for once will actually care and not scream 'attentionseeker' in my face.
I've got anxiety, social anxiety, major depressions, OCD, etc., and it all started in kindergarten, when nobody would talk to me because I was 'different'. I'd have spasms, and people didn't like me for that. It continued till we got to school, then people started being a bit more friendly, until some of those kids started befriending me only to find out my most embarrassing secrets and exploit me in front of the whole school. I still can't trust people. They ruined me. And so did my teacher. She always pulled me up as a bad example, no matter how much work I did. She just didn't like me.
The ball has, since then, kept rolling, and my only comfort has been dogs. Now, for some reason, dogs aren't good enough. They don't make me smile anymore, and I'm afraid to admit this to anyone. My own dog have saved my life so many times just by coming into my room when I have been about to take my own life, when nobody else would answer my calls. It feels like my life is already over, and maybe it's for the best, but I can't help but think there are so many dogs out there that need me to stay and I feel obligated to stay and suffer through all that's coming. And the worst part is, I know it's coming. It always is.

I don't mean to whine to strangers, it just feels nice to get it all out in the open for once.

Hi my friend. I know exactly how you feel. I've suffered from severe depression since I was about 4 or 5 years old. My favorite place was in my bedroom, with the lights off, sitting in the dark, playing music. Even at that young age, I listened to Frank Sinatra sing his ballads. My parents didn't notice I was depressed -- they were too busy getting drunk.

I didn't get treatment until I was in my early twenties. Then, I went into therapy, and that was the best gift I could have given myself. :) It even included a 2 wk stay in a mental hospital where I signed myself in because I knew I was very very sick. Even that was very beneficial to me! I stayed in therapy for a very long time.

If there is any way for you to get into therapy, I would advise it. If you cannot, PLEASE see your medical doctor. He can help you too, by putting you on an antidepressant. Yes, I know that most people don't want to take medications, but there are those of us who HAVE to.

You may have "clinical depression" which is where the hormones & chemicals are lacking in the brain and have to be replaced by the antidepressant. Only a doctor can diagnose this. This is what I have, and I'll be on meds the rest of my life. Talk to your doctor -- you'll be glad you did. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee ;)

It's better to get it off your chest, even if to a group of strangers, than to pent it up more and more. :hug:

I don't know when exactly my depression began in my life, but it's here to stay.

I agree with Leesa, about therapy being a gift that you can give to yourself. It's a non-judgemental environment, with privacy laws, on top of it all.

Many have trust issues with others, and therapy is a step in a better direction, if you are open to it.

You reached out at a good point, when you aren't finding joy in what you found joy in, your dogs, then it's a sign your depression is sliding...

Hang in there, keep us posted on how you are surviving :hug:

I've been there, where it feels like nothing is ever going to get better and will most likely only get worse. I think most of us have been there at some point. When you're deep down in that pit it's impossible to feel like you could ever get out of it.

I've been depressed since around 10 and despite my mom harping on me (that's what it felt like anyway) all through my teens and telling me I was depressed, I didn't actually admit it to myself or anyone else until I was 18 or 19. It was one of the best things I ever did though. Treatment can take time because you often have to try several medications before you find the right one for you, but give it that time. You owe that much to your dogs at least (they've put a lot of work into training you), even if you don't believe you owe it to yourself.

And I understand being in pain and having people not believe you. I have a chronic pain condition that can only be diagnosed by ruling everything else out. Imagine a burning sensation so bad that they only way you know you're not on fire is because you can't see any flames, imagine routinely waking up in the middle of the night (on those occasions where you actually get to sleep) having to check to make sure that you're not on fire, and then having a doctor tell you you're making it all up to get drugs. It took me 4 and a half years to get diagnosed with RSD.

But the important thing is that a good doctor will believe you. If a doctor tries to accuse you of attention seeking don't be afraid to walk out and find a different doctor. There are enough of us out there that struggle with self-harm (I'm one myself) that you can find help. You aren't alone.