When do you hand over the responsibility to the child (gf)
 

As parents of young children with Celiac disease or other intollerance, it is easy to be firm about controlling what they eat. But at what age do you have to let them decide? And if they want to "test" the foods that make them sick, do you "let" them, or do you stand firm with that "control". What keeps this from turning into a huge control issue when they are teens/preteens?

I trust Bean 99% to make the right choices, but I can't help but to wonder where those lines are. For example, if she wants to try to eat gluten, and I know that gluten will make her neurologically and physcially ill, I would be a neglectful mother to let her do so. But if I don't ever let her try gluten, will she sneak it, hide it, go behind my back to test these things out on her own? Would it be better if I left it open from the get go (well not from infancy, but you know what I mean).

This is not an issue we are dealing with at all, but just one I am curious about. I know some of you have older children and you may have more experience here. If you have had trouble with your kids (older kids) sticking to their diets, what has helped? Do they just get tired of being sick? I know we all have a degree of what we will tollerate. For example,I may splurge on a piece of lemon pound cake while on vacation, even though I know it will likely make me sick. I weigh out the time spent ill vs enjoyment factor, and as an adult, I can make that choice, but what about children?

And do these rules apply in the same strength for Celiac vs Gluten Intollerant?

What is bringing this all up is a friend's daughter who is sneaking some foods she shouldn't be eating and the questions on how to deal with that. And it has me questioning if how we deal with gluten in general is the best approach or if there is room for improvement?

I started when they were about 5. I risk saying that as I may end up eating my hat in the near future... but they do very well with it... gluten... that is.

I've always said to them, "It's your body and you've got to take care of it."

Candy is harder for them. They will refuse candy that they are not sure about when it comes to gluten but if it is a gf candy like skittles or an areo bar (even though it has dairy) it is too hard for them to refuse.

This year I've got a little bit tougher about it as the errors over the years have made it quite clear which reactions are related to which foods. We do very little refined sugar as we find that it affects behaviour and quibbling becomes apparent very quickly. So the deal is that if they have some, they can't make me regret it or the next time the answer will be negative. There have been times I've had to follow up on it and I feel badly - I don't know why though because it's really not hurting them when I say, "Gee too bad you can't have this treat today because last week there was too much trouble."

When they were younger, it was harder to stick to my guns about those things though... As they get older, it gets easier because I know that they have more control of themselves and can 'choose' their behaviour more.

For example, dd is now 9 and a couple of weeks ago I caught her teasing her 7 yob, "Friday I'm getting candy and you're getting none and I'm not sharing mine with you." I overheard it and told her she just lost her Friday candy. I thought I would feel badly about it when Friday came around but I didn't because she's 9, I guess.

Also, I no longer tolerate outbursts as a result of diet issues. If they're not feeling up to par or socializing well, then they are to remove themselves and go to play/do schoolwork quietly on their own. It is not acceptable for them to aggravate eachother and disrupt the whole household as would happen when they were younger and we were newer to the diet (still isolating which foods were causing which issues).

So I guess, my final answer is that it evolves with age. If they were mentally challenged my answer might be different though.

I've heard this letting go of/taking on of responsibility compared to letting go of a compressed spring. If you let go of it suddenly, the spring will fly out of your hand in any direction. That would be rather like the situation you would have if you wait until your kids are grown, ready to make their own decisions on their own. But if you release the tension on the spring very, very slowly, it will just lay there in your hand at the end. So try letting go of a little responsibility by sharing it, maybe. Say, "If you think you 've maybe outgrown your gluten sensitivity, or you think it won't bother you as much now, don't try it on your own, or sneak it. Come to me, and we'll try it together." And then let her try a little, and the two of you together monitor whatever reactions she gets to it, so that you can help her come to the right decision, that it just wasn't worth it.
Mind you, I've never had a child with any kind of food sensitivity, so feel free to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about! :D
Hugs, and sympathies,

Familly responsibility
 

It was when my boy was 10 that he said "Mummy, our gluten problem affects the whole familly, you do not have the right to cheat because we all suffer"

Two years later, I need to let them take some responsibility in making their decisions '12 and 14' but it is socially so difficult. Sick and suffering, or sorry and silly. Grow up France!!!!!!!

What worries me is that the cause and effect is not always obvious. In my case, the fatigue builds up over time. In my son's case, first the tummy aches, then the behavior issues built up over time. I've also read (and don't even know if this is true) that teens often experience a "relaxing" of GI symptoms for a period of years which can make them believe that they can eat gluten. I don't know the answer, but we keep a GF/vegan house and always take snacks with us. This is life as we know it, and my 7yo has yet to question it. We talk about putting healthy foods in our bodies and not eating foods that make us feel bad. We haven't experienced any "fitting in" issues yet (except for dh and me - LOL). I too am interested in hearing from folks with older children that were raised GF... :)

Beth is 10 and has be GF for 2 years. Samantha is 6 1/2 and has been GF since 2 1/2. Samantha used to be easy. If I did not give it to her, she would not eat it. She had not had most of what others were eating anyway since we were organic eaters before. So, she had never had Oreos, rice crispies, etc. Lately, it is harder. She wants more to be like her friends. This is odd for her. She usually does not want to fit in. I think there is the influence of one friend that I may request she be separated from next school year. Plus, since being GF for so long, her symptoms are virtually none at this point with little exposures. She was getting a DH like rash on her face but that has stopped.

Beth is harder. She was in school when she went GF and her symptoms are neurological. She knows what she is missing and doesn't mind being b*tchy to us. She claims she feels ok. So, she cheats some.

I am having to have them more reponsible for themselves before I am ready. I work fulltime and due to the B12 thing I am still working on, I am exhausted all the time. And, unfortunately, some of the people who are "helping" me out, seem to think cheating sometimes is OK. (I am dreading my talk with my mom today - YooHoos and cookies for snack yesterday, not GF cookies.) So, now I am coaching the girls to not only ask if it is GF, but can they read the ingredients or have them read to them (Samantha does not read yet.) Someone assumed corn crackers at Panera were Ok since they were corn.

Sorry, I am trying not to rant. But, because of my less than perfect health right now and the fact that I cannot possibly control their diets like I used to, the girls are having to step up to the plate. It is not going as well as I would like it to. Both girls want to cheat sometimes. I am trying to point out that more than likely, I feel like I do because of gluten and dairy. They are getting it. Now to make caregivers Get IT!

Michelle

We learned when my younger son was about 1 year old that he was severely allergic to peanuts. It was hard letting him go on play dates and he learned to always take his epipen with him. He did have a few unexpected exposures to peanuts and he actually became afraid to eat a snack at school. When we learned he had to be gluten free (he was 7) he was able to relax a bit because many of the foods that "may contain peanuts" were now off limits anyway. He learned to bring his food everywhere. He just turned 12 and in the past year we have learned he has delayed food allergies to dairy, soy, legumes, citrus and eggs. He can still spend a day out and about with his friends and fend for himself. He was thrilled a few years ago when he realized he could buy just one apple at the grocery store. He may end up eating salad, fruit, chips and some candy if he buys his lunch but he is very educated for a young kid. We sometimes laugh about the comments/questions others ask with regard to food. He has heard things like "Oh this does not have wheat--it is only flour".

My 15 year old daughter has been gluten free for 3 years and is in many more social situations where she has to make decisions regarding food. She plays a sport every season in high school and the girls always have team dinners the night before a game. We rotate houses for hosting the dinners so I always send out an e-mail at the beginning of the season telling the parents that she can not eat gluten and that it would be nice if they could have fruit and or a salad without crutons so she can eat something along with her team mates. Sometimes she comes home starving from these dinners and other times the parent has prepared something she can have. Then of course there are times she has made the wrong choice. One night she said she had salad and meatballs. I said that meatballs were not gluten free and she said "but we eat them at home". I explained that I make them from scratch using crushed cornchips or cereal as a filler. Another time a parent made soup and bread. One loaf of bread was gluten free but there was a mix-up and my daughter ate the wrong bread. Two days after both of these incidents my daugter was very fatigued (as in can barely get up off of the floor fatigued) and extremely thirsty. She is just beginning to see a cause and effect. We will probably do a gluten challenge on her this summer but I doubt that she will put herself through it after a couple of days.

I think that both of my GF kids have friends that would also watch out for them. I do not think that they would be tempted to sneak a gluten food on purpose. It is nice to see my daughter and some of her friends cooking some GF brownies or making sushi together. As kids get older some decide to become vegitarians and others may be lactose intolerant or on a diet so making food choices because of medical reasons does not stand out so much.

--Judy

DISCLAIMER: Many of you know that I don't have kids...so my thoughts on this may not carry any weight.

I think it has to be done slowly over time [I like the spring analogy]...just like any other responsibility [food or otherwise] they are given. With age, maturity and guidance/teaching they will handle it. It may not be perfect, it may not be like you the parent would do it...but those are the baby steps that they have to make. I suspect there will be some "falls" before they will be fully able to stand on their own.

What's the difference between eating NGF food, doing drugs, drinking alcohol? All of those things are something that you are not supposed to do. All of them are bad for you. Ideally you don't want your kid doing drugs, drinking alcohol [or eating NGF food], but how are you going to stop them from doing it? You're probably not. That's where training and knowledge comes in. Hopefully as a parent you've given the child enough of it, so they are better equipped to deal with it when the time comes. [I'm talking generalities here. I'm not saying they you aren't educating them :)]

Wow, you all have some great ideas, experiences and insight.

Michelle, that sounds so frustrating with the caregiver situation. Even the most well intentioned family members have made mistakes in the past here. It took us all a long time to really find every hidden gluten, but it is much nicer for all of us now that we all get it.
I hope you have a good talk with them!

Al, you bring up a good point that is similiar to this. Alcohol. My daughter said "I'd like to try a sip of wine". She is 6, so she is not supposed to be drinking. Understood, but I was not sure what the best approach was to this. If I sternly tell her to never drink cause alcohol is bad for her and yada yada yada (but then she can drink when she's 21?) I fear she will just want to sneak it to taste it and such. But then if I did give her a sip of wine, I don't think that would make her less likely to sneak it as a teen.

I agree that responsibility should come with age and maturity. There seem to be so many facets to these questions and answers, though. It can be hard to know what to do, as a parent!

I know when I was growing - we were allow to have a sip of beer or wine from our parents glass. We always had it in the house. We could've easily had it. It was just something that we knew we weren't supposed to do [or there'd be hell to pay if we did]. I never drank in high school for the same reason stated in previous sentence. Plus I was in sports and it wasn't allowed [that didn't stop some people however ;)]. I was raised in a single parent household from the age of 9 or 10. My Mom ruled with an iron fist - we didn't call her "The Warden" for nothing' :D There were countless times that "opportunities" were presented to me. Again - I think it goes back to education, guidance and how we were raised. Now...I understand that was then...this is now. Now is A LOT different than then hehehee

You'll do fine!! So will DD :D