table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see


carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum


balls.





2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt


scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.


You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who


cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're


going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat.

Enjoy

it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's


Christmas!





3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of


gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of


your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.





4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk


or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?


It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.





5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control


your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat


other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?





6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New


Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.


This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the


buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of


eggnog.





7. If you come across something really

good at a buffet table, like

frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position


yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before


becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.


If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.





8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,


if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always


have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor


Day?





9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the


mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have


SOME standards.





10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party


or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread


tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.





Remember this motto to live by:


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of


arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but

rather

to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,


totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride