Can I give up Now?
 

Time for some new pity party stuff. I just lost my father. I figured the end was near when he kept going to the hospital with increasingly worse pneumonia. The last time I talked to him I told him I’ve never seen him give up. He said he wasn’t giving up but was just tired and it was time and he was ready.

The rabbi did a great service and the funeral directors did a fabulous job. It was about 86 and they had shade, seats and bottles of water. But what was the nicest part and where I had difficulty was the part where they had marine color guard because he was a WWII vet and they gave a gun salute, played taps and presented my mom with the flag with which they had draped the coffin.

At shiva I saw a lot of people (my friends) and my Dad's friends. He was so well liked. Mom is doing OK. She goes back and forth between knowing what happened and forgetting. We shared interesting stories and I learned some scary things about his time in the Pacific. Good hint. After you bayonet someone it's easier if you pull the trigger and let the gun recoil pull the bayonet out so it doesn't get stuck.
Good bye Dad

I can’t go along with Dad that he wasn’t giving up. So why can’t I? My sister-in-law’s 70th birthday was right before Dad died and when we loaded the pictures on the computer I noticed all of the family had a picture taken with the birthday girl. I remarked on it and the reply was “well, you could have come over.” I didn’t know they were doing that. I am so sick of being treated like I’m not sitting right in front of you.

However I am good for loading, running, emptying the dishwasher and doing the boys clothes.

As for fencing I know I am breaking several cardinal sins of envy etc. As the Paralympic games are coming up I get sadder. The people selected are superb fencers. However it would have been nice to try to have a chance. Go fence in World Cups I’m told. Sure, I’ll just dip into my millions. I’m jealous of them because they are part of rehab programs and clubs where they can both train intensively and get sponsorships.

There is really no support on the home front. I just happened to choose an outrageously expensive sport. Well, do this or this or this. I have no interest in that. I work out and I cannot lose a pound. I’m 65 pounds overweight and my medications keep the pounds on. All I want to do is sleep because it makes the day pass. Who am I kidding?

no no please .hold on for a while.iknow while your awake it prolong the pain.cause the longer your awake it prolong the pain,cause your always thinking about it.when you sleep it kind of speed the day along.free of pain when we sleep.but for me it got so bad I couldn't sleep.kept waking up:(
I feel your pain we all here have been there(and still am)please hang in there:hug:

SD Fencer,
I'm sorry that you are in such a bind. Sometimes when we have a disability or chronic problem, it feels like we get left on the sidelines. That had to be painful when you were left out of the family picture. When you first begin having problems, people are interested and willing to help. When the novelty wears off, many of our loved ones don't want to talk the problem or go out of their way to make sure we are included. Sometimes it seems like they want to get on with thier own lives and not have to face the problems suffered by us. The problem is, we have to continue to live with it day after day and don't have a choice. Its probably a normal human reaction, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

You obviously love to fence, and though I don't know much about it, I can see where it would be expensive. You don't need to be the best. Try to beat your own personal best. Believe me, I'm not trying to make light of this. My "expensive sport" is horseback riding. My horse is only a few minutes from where I live, but my disability has crushed my dreams of competing in endurance riding. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been able to get to the barn just to see them. It can really drag you down, but you can't give up.

Having a disabiliy and learning to deal with it is a kind of grief. You've lost something and it can be difficult to accept limitations and find another way to enjoy whatever abilities you still have. Sleeping all day is tempting as it eases the emotional Pain of facing the day. However, if you do sleep all day, time will pass that you can't get back. Its not always easy to fight, but please don't give up on yourself. Throw yourself into the things that you can do. Opportunities open up in areas that we never even thought about. Use the forum, friends and other contacts to stay in touch. When it gets too hard to handle alone, come here and vent. It may not be the same as face to face, but everyone here can identify with your struggle, even if for a different reason.

Please let us know how you are doing. You are important.

Sam