The elephant in the room
 

I feel compelled to start this thread, after a recent question raised on 149 wonder thread

Is this forum the right arena for those with feelings of SICICIDE?

Personally i think it is the ideal forum.....................WHY?

Because there is nothing else out there with the 'S' word in it...that draws in, desperate souls to these pages.

If this form saves one life from suicide its worth it.
I am fully aware this forum is for Survivors of suicide, and i now know the sad stories of so many individuals, blighted by the loss of a loved one, the pain and anguish, that the choice of Suicide caused.
But for those individuals with 'S' in mind ....your stories are what keep them alive, your inner pain described so elequantly, and with such sorrow may, just may... help an individual to THINK for a moment and realise that although they feel inner loneliness, despair and abandonment of their lives, that deep down their loved ones would miss them if they chose to end their life.

SUICIDE is such a dirty word and a huge ELEPHANT ........that most contemplating the act wouldn't dream of telling their nearest and dearest, of their feelings.

one....for fear of rejection.........
two........for fear of isolation
three......for fear of hostility
four....for fear of,, 'things cant be that bad', 'pull yourself together,' 'get a grip of yourself', 'how can you be so selfish', 'you have everything to live for', 'you think you have got problems' ect..ect..ect...
five..for fear of not being understood.............


So this forum is to me a partnership............

Those who have lost a loved one or friend to suicide, by their sheer presence here offer hope to those on the other spectrum of this Elephant in the room,
& those with suicidal thoughts offer,... the survivors of lost loved ones an insight into the desperation in their lives that could lead an individual to even contemplate the 'S' word.

THERE ARE ANSWERS IN THIS FORUM...........we just need to ask the questions?

a thought to reflect upon is this

The despair felt by an individual who looses a loved one to suicide is immense and lasts a lifetime.
The despair an individual who attempts or fails a suicide bid, and the subsequent family and friend rejection that they more than often receive, creates even more inner despair and loneliness.


What i am trying to address is those who attempt suicide are not often supported by family and friends after such an incident,

yet on hear they witness what their loved ones would truly feel if they had succeeded..

surely tackling suicide and the thought of it and breaking down the barriers of this word will help everyone to understand

DESPAIR IS DESPAIR..........And if we don't talk about it and support each other as human beings

we could end up on either side of this dreadful coin..........it depends on who flicks it...and which way it ultimately lands........







David

David:hug: thank you! I just wrote a PM to Mistiis on this very subject!

I too feel this is the perfect place for not only survivors to come share their pain, but, for those in despair contemplating suicide. For all the reasons you mentioned David. What better way to prevent suicide, than to witness through these postings, the hell left behind? I like to think we have always opened our hearts to those who come here in need. Through our support, perhaps one can find strength.

I have mentioned here several times how when I was first diagnosed with my illness in 1999, I did not want to live. I thought of suicide as my only way out. I was in so much pain I even went to my Minister to ask if I would go to Heaven. His answer, forever changed me. Only through the love of my family and friends...... a trip or two(or 20) to hell and back .... and by the grace of God did I survive. I not only survived, but I learned to not only accept a life filled with pain, but to be grateful for it and thrive despite it.

Through walking in that pain, and coming out on the other side I then became a support for others with my diseases. I wanted to let them know they damn well could survive with this pain. I had put suicide out of my mind. ---------Until Dad took his life.........

My Dad's death, not only made me a survivor of his suicide... but his death brought on a deep grieving I am not able to cope with, and at times have not wanted to cope with. Therefore, I know both sides of suicide. I know what it is like to lose someone I deeply love.. and I know how badly I wanted to leave this world to join him.

I have gained so much from others here, not only the survivors, but those in their own hell. David, you in particular helped me try to understand how Dad could have felt suicide was the only answer. I guess my point here is that there is only an elephant in the room, if we allow it. I think the only way to prevent suicide, is to break the silence. That IS what we are doing here! ALL of us :hug::hug:

http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l.../Horse-2-1.jpg

Courage, does not always roar... Sometimes it is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying..... I will try again tomorrow.

TIME FOR AN INSIGHT


16.02.93

I returned to work after breaking my back [2 lower vertebrae discs squashed]
i returned not because i felt 100% healthy, but for monetary reasons, debt, poverty, and the niavity that i could do something in the work place rather than sit at home and earn nothing, urged me to return,

On the day of my return i chose the night before[foolishly] to give up smoking and wore a nicotine patch to work. In i walked with a doctors note stating light duties and a mind full of enthusiasm to get back in the work saddle, i had been off work over 18 months.

upon my return i noticed my former role as foreman had been filled [understandably] but noticed very quickly the Doctors note was not given consideration. I was actually placed on the heaviest job in the factory.
It did not take long for me to wind myself up, and get very angry about the total lack of care or support from my employers and colleagues.

to cut a long story short, i left work stating a further sick note would follow, went home via a pub, consumed a lot of alcohol, and whilst my wife was in bed....practically severed my left hand............


In A+E [ER] I was treated with little sympathy, and was treated very discourteously [in the UK NHS staff see attempted suicide or self harm very poorly....time wasters..........do it properly save us a job of nursing you...attitude


A nurse actual said to me...'the only way too get on in life is to suffer in silence.'.. she was politely saying most people don't give a **** about your problems, they have their own.

I spent 9 days in hospital, my wife visited on the second day but not again...nobody else came...

My wife left our home with our then 10 month old son...her family had told her..... him or us.....

ALLTHOUGH MY FAMILY WERE INFORMED [WELL PARENTS]
NO ONE RANG...OR CONTACTED ME.


2 WEEKS LATER
My wife came home stating she could not understand my reasons but wanted to be with me...........her family remained silent much longer ....mother in law 7 months, brother in law 1 year...two sisters 2 years and father in law 26 months.........................


My father sent me a card saying hang in there after a fortnight
..i had a letter from my mother after three months, telling me to grow up take responsibility for my family and act like a man.

and a brother in law who told me i should have cut my throat and done the whole family a favour......................sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhh



Fifteen years on all my in-laws talk to me.......though not about what happened....it never happened and must not be discussed


My father is now dead.......... my mother...is happy to talk .............but not about emotional issues.........one brother talks if i phone him ..............the other 8 have not been seen or heard from since my fathers funeral in 1996.............


So for those who survive the other spectrum....life is not much easier.....the elephant is not in my room but remains in the rooms of others around me........


David

...thank you David...and that doesn't really even say what I feel....I feel very grateful for this thread. Thank you for expressing what I could not. I have been looking for a place to express just such experiences, and feelings, but have not found one that I feel comfortable in. I feel the need to connect with people who have been on our end of the spectrum. To contemplate suicide is one thing, to make a serious attempt, and survive it, is quite another. And, yes, it is a huge elephant. I was only 12 years old when I swallowed a whole bottle of aspirin. I truly did not feel that life was worth living. I will spare everyone the details. I love my family but it was very dysfunctional, and so was I. I had PTSD (didn't know it, undiagnosed, untreated. Still isn't. I'm not ready to go there yet. I won't put out here what happened, as it might be a trigger.) I went to bed that night, thinking I would not wake up. But I did, though extremely ill, as you can well imagine. Too ill to get up, too ill to talk. My mother sat at my side, and I never told her what I had done. We never went to the hospital, so I was spared that. I should have died, but I didn't. I did recover, and I never told her till years later what I had done. I still don't tell people about it. When I had to tell my new doc that I could not tolerate aspirin products, he asked me why, what happens? I couldn't say the word suicide. After much silence, I simply said, "I tried to check out..." he looked at me kind of strangely. And then I said, "I didn't want to be around any more." It was left at that. And I can't help thinking that it is affecting the way he is treating me now. My strange 2nd attempt is in another thread. I was saved from that one by a mental breakdown. Blessings can come in strange packages. The 3rd, and I hope final, is a nightmare that I am not ready to share yet. But I will. I think it will help me to finally make peace with it, and myself. And if I can do that, then I can help others. I have read that once a person has made an attempt, they are at a higher risk to make another, and succeed. I would hope, and pray, that those of you who contemplate will not make that choice, because it makes the battle all the harder. And only one who has been there can understand it. I really don't believe that it is the answer. It is a lie, and an illusion, like a mirage in a desert. We need to work to find answers. David, I don't know what the questions are. But I've no doubt they are there, unsaid. :hug: :grouphug: ...maybe, just perhaps, I am a survivor.

I often find myself sitting in the lap of the elephant in this room.... I sit there and read.

It's probably crazy but the elephant is a protector for me. Because this elephant is in the room I have learned what loved ones go through when a loved one ends their life. I know that I do not want to put my loved ones through this kind of pain... the pain that may ease but never goes away.

I know now that there are others like me... those that have struggled and fought a very long fight to beat away the demons that make us want to commit suicide.

Many walk around this elephant, some try to push it out of the room, me I have embraced it and for that I am still here. I am learning to ride this elephant now for I feel if we become friends then talking about the elephant is not quite so scary.

Well...that's just my ramblings... hope it makes sense.
:hug:for all!!
Abbie

((David)) I read this post hours ago, but I was at a loss of what to say. I still am. My heart breaks that you were in that much pain, it breaks it more that you were treated so badly by those who love you. I can't fathom it. I just can't wrap my brain around it. The hurt must be deep. I can't imagine.
I was just saying to Alffe, that Michael and Dad didn't leave any room for second chances with the choice they made. There was no hope of a recovery, no hope for a stomach pump, no hope for an ambulance to save them. I assure you, had there been a second chance, I would not have reacted the way your family did. I would have been right there, reassuring him how greatly he was loves. I would have never left his side. I am so sorry you were not given that unconditional love. *ok now I am crying.......... so I will stop

((Mistiis)) I have only summarized by saying I was in hell, I have never been able to go into details.. I may never be. Though there is no way for me to know your pain, I can say I do understand that type of pain. I am sorry you have felt it so many times. Truly sorry:hug:
"is a nightmare that I am not ready to share yet. But I will. I think it will help me to finally make peace with it, and myself. And if I can do that, then I can help others" Yes, you ARE a survivor!:hug: I wish I could say more, but I am a mess at the moment. Please just know you are in my thoughts and prayers:hug:



((Abbie)) I just love you. You keep embracing that elephant! I love the way you look at things. Your strength amazes me:hug:

Ok I am a mess, but I will be back later. I think the world of you all, and your sharing, it is so brave, you are all true survivors! Much love :hug:

It not only makes sense Abbie I am blinded by some tears here...:hug:

As you can see by my Avatar I'm now riding this bloody elephant.


the one in this room is bigger than i thought,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so far 83 views 6 replies [and excluding myself ] FOUR other people have contributed to this thread WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?


Mistiis................although I spoke of one episode..........like you ..I HAVE been there on many occasions............too bloody many too be honest....[ only now i tell no-body how i am feeling]..
Abbie.......your inner courage inspires me much like my other friends BJ.........

Feeling goofy Nik-key was right.....to others a mole hill too you a mountain...problems /feelings/emotions are, exclusive to an individual...who is any one to say they are not worthy of recognition or support..........you are a wonderful woman....don't ever put yourself down again[PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE]


My aim is to master riding this elephant and become a master Mahout.........................but i still need a leg up occasionally

.

The elephant in the room!

There's an elephant in the room,

it is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

And yet we squeeze by with, "how are you's?"

and "i'm fine's."

and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about our work.

We talk about everything else but --the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.

For you see, it is a very big elephant.

It has hurt us all.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.


Oh please, say his name,

oh please, say, _david______ again,

oh please, let's talk about the elephant in the room,

for if we talk about his death, [ or survival]

perhaps we can talk also about his life.

Can i say, _david_____, to you and not have you look away?

For if i cannot, then you are leaving me......

Alone ......

In a room ......

With an elephant.

im still alive .................i think


david









this is not meant to offend but make a serious point.........AND JUST FILL IN THE BLANKS

....love the avatar....much like the one sitting on my mantle. I think the subject is emotionally exhausting. Mental, and emotional barriers, do not come down easily. I, too, fully intend to master that beast, not just for myself, but for others. Will it be easy??? No!!!! Will I need help???? Yes.

There is definately help here to be had. It is true that my association with the people here have stayed my hand more than once. And I do need to read about it. I need to be reminded. I also need to KNOW that I do not struggle ALONE. Somehow, it makes me feel more normal, more human, more accepted. I hope, and pray, that I can help. OK...enough...