Lack of Sex
 

I've been married for about 2 years. I was only Dx w/MS about a year ago. My husband had a very hard time dealing with the diagnosis- and still has.

He just won't initiate sex anymore, and will say he's too tired if I try. On the weekends, I usually don't bother because he's too drunk. We do have sex, but it's almost biweekly now, if I'm lucky. Lately, it's been more like once a month. I'm handicapped, but I'm still hot!

I was doing a little investigational reporting earlier, and found that he has a pretty healthy porn habit raging on his computer and iphone.
So, I erased all his video clips and bookmarks.

I guess when he wakes up I'll see exactly how committed he is to his porn... I'm certainly not going to mention it.

I'm sure that he can download his "clips" and find his favorite sites again, but that's not the point. I haven't been working full time since September, or at all since February. We're in danger of foreclosure, but he's unwilling to drop unlimited data exchange from our wireless bill because of "GPS." So, our wireless bill is about $150 a month!!!

I'm inclined to just slap him around, but I know that I'm not physically capable and that it's unrealistic.

I'll let y'all know how this plays out.

Well good luck with that bag of spanners. Sounds like a deep pool of issues that need gentle unwinding and sorting.
:)

it sounds like your husband may have a bit of depression himself. With many bills looming, and his wife ill, and the threats of so many things weighing on him, he may have found an easy escape on the internet. From Face Book to porno, we CAN and DO become addicted to such technology.

Please find time to sit and talk with him. Share your heart. Tell him what is bugging you. Please be calm, and specific. Tell him you found his porno stash, and are worried that as young honey mooners, you think he should be looking to you for his sexual pleasures, and release, and not to some pictures on the internet that may or may not be doctored and photoshoped. Many of those pictures present a pretty unrealistic view of what real women look like, as well as what real women are willing to do. Remember most of these women are PAID to do things, and PAID to dress the way they do. Many have drug issues, and many more are in quite a bit of trouble with their lives, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, financially. How attractive are these women when you add a dose of reality to thier lives? Its great to just stare at them as an object, but when you provide a back story, it makes them much more human.

I hope you are able to share you hopes, fears, and concerns with this man. btw, the "average" that most amercians that are married have relations is ONCE a week. As honeymooners, young ones, or newly coupled the average is higher. My husband always says that men need sex to feel loved, and women usually say they need to feel loved to have sex. It takes some conversations, and some honesty with each other to reach compromise on everything from who does the dishes to who should handle the finances and so on.

If you are handling the finances, does HE know how bad the financial picture is? Have you sat him down and shown him the budget of how much money comes in vs how much money goes out? or does he simply hear "we have money troubles!" Men tend to be "fixers" if you lay out a problem and ask him for his help, most men get right on board.

If you find that you are unable to speak to him, or reach him, please please please seek some counsel. If you have insurance find an MD, if you dont, please speak to your pastor, clergy or call your town hall to find out which social workers in your area use a sliding scale for clients of limited income.

Hugs and prayers headed your way. I am sure you will find a way to reach him. :hug:

Pud's friend - I lov expessions and Bag of sparrows caught my attention. cadge on to yourself was presented to me by my English e-mail friend, DH and I still both use it,

OhKay, Dejibo makes sense. Marriage and intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy can make sex better, but sex is sex, you know. Your Hubby needs to talk with you, the drinking concerns me - is it and the porn band-aids for escape from his life?You can't make his makes changes if he's not on board. Porn, like sex, is more about control then having or thinking sex. You erasing hois porn is just an act that makes you feel better, he can just do it again and be POed at you.
This is a big can of wormsm, perhaps you can find some help or guidance in community. Good luck, this will not always be easy, you must bring awareness and commitment to it.

Much love and luck in handling this, OhKay....I can't add anything to Dej's great advise..:hug::hug:

My dh and I had some serious issues when I first got sick too. I won't go into all of it, it'd take too long. Let's just say, we still have some issues. But it's 6 yrs later and he's still my dh.

:rolleyes:

We've been married 25+ yrs and been through a lot of tough times - worse than a couple of bad dx's.

I'm pretty confrontational; though. And I let him know in no uncertain terms, that this was worse for me than it was for him - no matter what he thought he was going through. He could either tough up or tuck his tail between his legs and scamper off.

And also, I did not need him. If he wanted to be part of the solution, he'd better start sucking it up. Sick or not, I could deal. I'd find a way. Last thing I needed was to be sick and putting up with his nonsense. So it was be cool or be gone, buster.

I did not want to talk it out. I did not want therapy. I wanted him to grow up and be a man. I was sick and tired of being the grown up in this relationship - he is such a little girl.

:p

At least sometimes, he tries not to be so dang whiney and needy now. Sometimes. I still hafta check and be sure I didn't grow balls though.

And THAT's why I like that ol' Braingirl!

I'm the same way...suck it up and Man up or get the he!! out and let me get to work making my life the way I need and want it to be. I already had to grow the balls in most of the relationship, because of his MH issues, I had to step up and save the ship. When I needed him to step up he crumbled like a tissue in a toilet and I let him know it was MY turn and he had to get up and dance or get out.

He got up and started dancing for all he was worth and he still does. It's not ALL good but it's a lot better than it was and we work at it EVERY single day.

There's no porn allowed in my house, I have full control of the PC and he knows I mean business. If he wants it he has to get it here and if I ever find out he went somewhere else- DONE.

Thanks guys!!!

I guess I'm the one with the balls in our relationship, too. It usually takes a lot of prodding to get him to do anything on the home front. I keep him updated on the financial situation, but I think that it falls on deaf ears. I recently went over all of our expenses with him- showing him how much more we have going out than coming in. He offers no solutions, and leaves it all up to me to figure out, lucky me...
I know that he suffers from depression. Last year I was able to convince him to see a shrink and a therapist, but it didn't last long. He stopped taking the medication after about a month and a half, and within 3 months refused to go back again. I've tried several times to approach him about it, but he denies he has a problem and gets really angry when I bring it up.
I have had it out with him a few times, telling him he needs to help me more, etc. He makes small gains for short periods, but relaxes again and goes back into his old pattern.
I know that men masturbate, I'm not naive. But I don't think it's a healthy substitute for sex with one's own wife. It's a symptom of larger problems in our relationship- and it really ****** me off that it's costing us money that we can't afford to spend.
I think he's spoiled, and I agree that he needs to grow up, and I have told him that more than once.

Thanks again, guys. Sometimes it's good to get this crap off my chest- whew!

-Kay

It could be that your man is worried about sex being to much on you physically and this is his way of 'taking care of it' so as not to bother you.