Ramblings
 

Hi everyone, just wanted to let you know that I’ve been lurking. My thoughts and prayers to everyone dealing with the ice and cold weather. Stay safe and warm, and it makes me thankful that I am in California where it is warmer, especially since my heater broken. I love RHMS and that Michael and I used to the Time Warp everywhere, in fact I have a set of RHMS trading cards around here somewhere, :o

More stuff going on around here. Sheesh, for someone who doesn’t leave the house, or do much of anything for that matter, a lot of stuff breaks. Last night, a tooth broke, thankfully it doesn’t hurt (shhh, don’t want to jinx it). It all started with the garbage disposal, then the oven, the power and the heater/AC broke last summer, and the car. It never ends, but it’s not like I’ve been doing much to stop it.

Then once again, the kid has taken off. He was here from out of town for who knows how long this time, but couldn’t believe at what he was seeing (me, the house and such this way) and told me that he didn’t want to watch me rot to death and split. He said he would call, but I haven’t heard a word from him. He had a few choice words for me, words I have said myself, but that still doesn’t fix anything, or get me moving. He told me I needed and intervention, I told him nobody would come. He told me that I used to be the strongest person he knew, always got up when kicked, and he just doesn’t understand that I am tired of getting up, I don’t have the energy anymore. I tired of always having to suck it up and act like everything’s great. I was strong enough at Michael’s funeral, didn’t shed a tear, held everyone else as they wept, me I was the
strong one, well, now I’m broken.

Sorry for all the bitchin, I’m just tired, I wake up from the dreams (I guess) after a few hours, then when I’m awake I feel like I’m in a panic state all the time. Ever drink waay too much coffee, or taken one of those caffeine pills? Know that jittery, guard up feeling, that’s me all the time. It’s like my mind and body have forgotten how to relax. Then on the rare occasion that the phone rings or the door knocks, it really makes me jump.

I look at myself and wonder how in the hell it all got like this, sadly I know exactly how. How could I not, I’m living it. I’ve lived everyday the same way for longer than I want to admit, and I hate it, but that still doesn’t motivate me to change anything, so I go stagnant. What does amaze me is that I let everything just slip away, it is so obvious to me that I just don’t care. So much of me has changed, I used to care what the house looked like, what I looked like, not anymore. I just watch TV until the house has warmed up enough for me, then I hop on the computer and see that’s going on. Now I’m just ashamed and embarrassed at how bad things have gotten.

OK, I’m going to post this before I re-read this or this won’t get posted. I really thank you all for being a life line for me to the outside world. Many heartfelt hugs. :hug:

(((Xie))) I wish I'd stayed up late enough last night to read this. :hug:
And I think maybe we have touched on this "lecture" before...*grin

You are stuck in an awful place....you are doing the wrong thing...and you have to find a new way. Why you asked. Because I care about you! Because you can have a life with some quality in it...some measure of happiness and pride.. How do I know this? Because your fella saw it in you, loved it about you, because you are reaching out here and because you are a survivor. :hug:

You need a plan..you need to start today...you need to do two things today...you pick them. Maybe just wash your hair or wash one window...
something...anything but make yourself do it!!

Easier said than done?? Nothing succeeds like success my Dad always told me. Don't want to?? Do it anyway....do it for yourself...do it for me...just do it!!

Ok...lecture over! I will however, want a full report. *grin

xie,

it may be hard to hear what Alpho has to said at this very moment...but I agree with her...because you are "stuck" and we care about you too much to want you to be "stuck"

while I can totally empathize with your situation and understand that you just need to vent and please feel free to vent more cause we WILL listen...

that first step is so very hard to take and start...but once that first step starts, the rest really does become easier...

please know that I am not trying to tell you what to do for I, again, understand where you're coming from so I don't want you to feel uncomfortable posting and want to encourage you to keep on posting about your frustrations...

but do want you to know that we care and that we want you to get UNSTUCK so you can have quality in your life....you're too important to get stuck right now where you are in your life...you have too much to offer...

gentle :hug:

((((((Xie)))))))

You made the first step...getting touch with your friends again and posting. :hug: That is HUGE.

Remember, when you are at the end of your rope....we have the other end. We won't let go. :hug:

The sloth moved
 

Thanks everyone for the hugs and help. Alffe, I know I’ve heard that “lecture” before, in fact I’ve given it to myself. Moi, hi there, I know everything that is said is said with a great deal of care and compassion here. Curious, thank you for your kind words and understanding, means more than you know.

OK, progress report, I picked up the living room a bit (cleaned glass tables, etc) then decided to try to pick up the master bedroom, what a dust bowl. Vacuumed, dusted and just tried to tidy up a bit around here. Also threw out a bunch of books, old magazines that I have no place to put anymore. When the kid was here he went through Michael’s office. I wanted it done, but I wanted an idea of what to do with the stuff first, not just rip it apart and move everything out. Now it’s just piled up in the living room in boxes haphazardly and I still have to go through everything to see what’s in each box.

This physical stuff exhausts me. Probably because I’m taking as good of care of the house as I am of myself, which isn’t much. Now doing little things makes my heart pound and raises my pain levels even more. I feel guilty about this sniveling, something that I try hard not to do. We were raised to “suck it up” move forward, never to be discussed again. Personal things were just not discussed, let alone with strangers.

Thank you again and may hugs, I’m going to make some mac and cheese so I eat something. :grouphug:

The "sloth" gets an A+! *grin very impressive young lady. Don't, I repeat, don't even think about tackling those boxes right away..it sounds daunting even from this distance.

I don't think you've met David yet...he'd be telling you to take baby steps and that's really good advice.

You get to put today in the win column...*whisper...I love mac & cheese.

I'll probably be in bed by the time you finish but I promise that I will be on your case in the morning. :D :grouphug:

YEA!!!!!!!!! for you (((Xie)))...I couldn't be prouder. And mac and cheese, yummmmmm, I could eat it for breakfast. Listen to our very wise Alffe, and take it in baby steps. And when it tries to reverse on you we will be here to put it back in gear...:D luv u bunches....:hug:

XIE ive really missed you girl..............welcome back ...

you have had a rockky time my friend butyour still here and thats all that matters:)


David

don't forget, at one time, the SLOTH was the largest mammal on earth that dominated all others... :D

you're not a sloth...you are in a rough spot and you have the right to be in whatever spot that you are in at your time...

and your friends will be there for you at those times to listen, to lift, to talk, to push..and you choose what path you need at the time that you need...

as your friends, we just hope that you don't choose the path of self-destruction but you'll be the only one that will be able to pull yourself out of it...we all have different views...but that's what make us all unique and we'll pick and choose what we need for the time being...

I am so glad to see you back with us...and as long as you're with us...that's all that counts... :)

(((BIG HUGS)))

Anoter day anoter bruise
 

Hi gentle people, I thought I should post before you start to worry too much. Let’s see, what have I been doing…I went for a mile walk last night, Probably more than I should have since it’s quite a steep hill (one way), and a hike. I was carving cigarettes (I know, I know) but at least they got me out of the house. So off I went to the gas station at the top of the hill. I’ve only done that once before in the 13 years I’ve lived here and now I remember why.

The “thought police” will be by this week to check out around the mobile home to make sure I am keeping it up (uhhh, no) but there were a few things that needed to be picked up or they would really blow a gasket. So I’m trying to fix the Jacuzzi cover (I may cover the damn thing in duct tape) fixed the tool shed so it closes. Just more stuff the kid was trying to help me with, but never finished…so had to go pick up after him. I wonder how long the list of “fix it’s” going to be, and which ones I can fix myself. :confused:

Needless to say I hurt, this body doesn’t do well in the best of circumstances with my neck screwed up. Add on top of that that I haven’t been moving around all that much the past few years. Oh yeah, I took a digger outside and I know I will have a couple of really colorful bruses later today. I think I am going to just take it easy the rest of the day

Thanks again everyone, special hugs to you for you kind words of encouragement. :grouphug: