Saying No to Mom!
 

I am in a tough position and I guess I need to vent. Maybe someone has some advice?

A little background.... My Mom moved in with me 9 1/2 yrs ago after my Dad and grandmother died. My dad went first very suddenly. Then My Mom became caretaker for my grandmother. After My grandmother died i invited my Mom to stay with me......share my home ect.

My Mom has some health issues, her meds take all of her meager social security income. She has no retirement. When she meets the so called donut hole in social security which is typically mid June each year I pay for her meds.

3 years ago she asked if her brother could come and stay with us for the winters. I said ok but, he would have to pay something. He agreed, he pays 200.00 per month. He came for a winter and never left. His health is ok.....he drinks EVERYDAY! always has always will.

I will eventually be the care giver to both of them. I am the only one they have. My siblings are useless, its all on me.

Now the problem....Mom has asked me if her best friend can come and stay with us. I love this lady, but her health is not good. I feel like I am going to be caregiver for these 3 elderly people and they will suck me dry. I fully intended to care for my Mom, I have no concerns there. I knew when I asked her to live with me it would be forever.

But I didn't sign up for all this. I am a single 48 year old woman that thought I would have a life. I feel like I'm giving up my life so my Mom can enjoy hers.

I know I'm sounding selfish and trust me I feel so guilty for it, but I can't help but feel I will take care of all 3 of them and I will end up all alone because I gave up my life to care for them

How do I say no to her friend coming to stay? My Mom has not made any friends since she moved in with me. SO for her it will be good. Maybe she will get out more and meet more people.

I just don't know what to do!!

Thanks for letting me vent!

Dottie

hi there i am sorry to hear your problem and fully understand where you are coming from,i care for my husband and my disabled child and it is hard work,maybe you could suggest that your mother goes to stay with her friend ?I wish i had a better suggestion.Do you still have your children at home ?ali

Hello Ali

My kids are grown and out of the nest. Its hard to believe they are 28 and 25. I never remarried after my divorce. I had a couple of go no where "stupid" relationships and now here I am.

Mom is going to be with me for ever. She will not live any place else. She has other options. I have made her very dependant on me. (don't get me wrong) I WANT her here.

I just didn't count on becoming the retirement resort!

Dottie

[QUOTE=jaded2nite;361821]I am in a tough position and I guess I need to vent. Maybe someone has some advice?

A little background.... My Mom moved in with me 9 1/2 yrs ago after my Dad and grandmother died. My dad went first very suddenly. Then My Mom became caretaker for my grandmother. After My grandmother died i invited my Mom to stay with me......share my home ect.

My Mom has some health issues, her meds take all of her meager social security income. She has no retirement. When she meets the so called donut hole in social security which is typically mid June each year I pay for her meds.

3 years ago she asked if her brother could come and stay with us for the winters. I said ok but, he would have to pay something. He agreed, he pays 200.00 per month. He came for a winter and never left. His health is ok.....he drinks EVERYDAY! always has always will.

I will eventually be the care giver to both of them. I am the only one they have. My siblings are useless, its all on me.

Now the problem....Mom has asked me if her best friend can come and stay with us. I love this lady, but her health is not good. I feel like I am going to be caregiver for these 3 elderly people and they will suck me dry. I fully intended to care for my Mom, I have no concerns there. I knew when I asked her to live with me it would be forever.

But I didn't sign up for all this. I am a single 48 year old woman that thought I would have a life. I feel like I'm giving up my life so my Mom can enjoy hers.

I know I'm sounding selfish and trust me I feel so guilty for it, but I can't help but feel I will take care of all 3 of them and I will end up all alone because I gave up my life to care for them

How do I say no to her friend coming to stay? My Mom has not made any friends since she moved in with me. SO for her it will be good. Maybe she will get out more and meet more people.

I just don't know what to do!!

Thanks for letting me vent!

Dottie[/hi dottie i know how you feel i too care for my husband who has post concussion syndrome and at times you feel like you are up against arock.He can be the same and its hardto know what to or say its hard when your lifes not your own.Im 42 and this isnt how i expected it to be .Maybe we both need a holiday ha ha chance would be a fine thing.All i can say is getting your mum involved with group in your area might help where shecan make friends with people keep in touch send mea message and let me know how you are getting on take care ali

Dottie I am so sorry you are in a tough position. You have already given your life to your mother and brother. YOu do not have to allow someone else in. Break it gently to your mother that you neither mentally or emotionally are able to take on another roomie.

Doesn't the woman have family of her own? Is your mother just asking this of you because they are good friends and figures it will be the two peas in the pod thing?

You already have your plate full and really don't need anymore.

I hope you can come to a decision that you are comfortable with.

Hi Dottie. I care for my husband and almost took on my mom this year when she had brain surgery. I have no doubt she has done the right thing for her by continuing to live on her own but mercy did I worry if I ended up caring for her and my hubby. I would do it in a minute, she is my mom but I also think her trying on her own is best. I knew if she came here she would be dependant on me and as long as she can do on her own, she should. Now she is happy to be on her own and all worked out.

Now, on to your situation. Number one, you know mom is going to live with you, that's a given. Your brother has me concerned in that he drinks everyday and that has to be hard on you. Maybe he's a happy drinker and it works out for you all. BUT, you are not a hotel. You need to stand up to mom and tell her you'd love to help her friend out but it's not possible with the house already booked. ;)

As a caregiver you need to think about yourself. Do not feel guilty for saying no. Did you know that statistics are showing that caregivers ARE NOT outliving their loved ones? This is because we don't take care of ourselves like we should. Instead we are using all of our energies taking care of others and put our own health to the side. You cannot afford to do that to yourself.

Follow your head on this one Dottie. Sometimes out hearts cloud our better judgement and in the end we regret or become bitter. That is not good for you or your loved ones. Caregivers can get burn out and once that happens it's not good for either side.

My prayers go out to you. I don't know you personally and can only advise based on my experience as a caregiver. Like I said, if it's my mom or my hubby's mom, I'd take care of them in a minute if need be. No question about that. Jim's brother is a drinker and no way would he ever live with us. He's abusive though so that plays a big part in my decision about that.

Do what you think is best and God will see you through it. You are in control. :hug:

Dottie, The others said it for me. You shouldn't do it & it is best.
In a 'nice' & gentle way tell your mom 'I know that would make you both happy but I just can't mom. Since uncle ___ came it's been hard. I want you both to have all you need but if ___ comes, she'll soon need help (maybe mom would say 'but she is just fine') and I can't always help 3 of you. Even 2 is hard.' Don't make it sound like "That Would Be Impossible" cuz she isn't thinking about your health & ability to care for 4 ppl ("four" includes you).

Hi Dottie,
Your Mom is very lucky to have you taking care of her.
I hope you will take some time off for yourself every now and then to have some fun( without Mom).
It seems we are always taking care of everything and anyone...

Take care of yourself.