Saturday 9-23-06
 

Hi, John. What kind of pain flare are you battling with? I hope it's not too bad. I think pain is a lot harder to ignore at night, when there are few distractions, and depression definitely seems to have more sway over me then. You're right, it's a vicious cycle, and very hard to break. But you've got the right idea. Do what you can, when you can, and feel good about whatever you accomplish.

It's good that things are starting to come together for you. I've been on a slow upswing myself, and it's been nice. I hope you keep feeling better, and that you can kick this latest flare's butt. Take care...

I am ehxausted as usual today. I was supposed to go to a FD class today, but I only had two hours of sleep last night. I got off work at Midnight and didn't sleep a wink last night. I had to be up at 06:00 AM to drive an hour and fifteen minutes. I feel like such a failure. I had a patient that almost died on me yesterday because she lied about the amount of perscription painkillers she had been taking. She passed out when I gave her a wimpy dose of medication and we had to haul her back in the bed and start another IV and give her meds. She ended up being admitted. I will loose my job for sure now. I will have to fill out an incident report and I will get fired. I don't care anymore. I shouldn't have become a nurse in te first place. I am not competent enough. Everything I have learned has flown out the window. I am stupid to begin with and this is the icing on the cake. I am totally useless. There is nothing that I can do right. I also will be kicked off the FD soon, because I refuesed to drive the engine in the course to get my driver's license.

RG, why would you say such a thing? You're not stupid! At least you've never sounded that way to me.

No matter how long we work at something, or how hard we try, we are still going to have days, weeks, or sometimes even months when nothing seems to go right. If a patient lies to you, that's not your failure. From what I hear, stuff like that happens quite a bit in the medical profession. Not even a brain surgeon can read minds to tell who's lying to them.

It sounds to me like you want a profession where you can help people. Being a nurse, being on the FD. Those are both pretty noble callings. Don't sell yourself short. There's a lot of people in this world who depend on givers like you. Hang in there. No slump lasts forever, and this one won't, either! It'll all come back to you then. :)