Maybe I'm not that special!?
 

A couple of you guys may remember me from a few months ago. I posted here for a short while.

I've been a stranger for the last couple of months because I've been busy with school and trying not to be a scatter-brained blithering idiot. I'm afraid I'm a failure at both.

The last time I posted here I left thinking that I could beat the odds and show everybody what I could do. I had started Ritalin and was hoping that it was just what I needed to help me get through school.

Fast forward to now-- I'm on amantadine and off of the Ritalin, the wonderful medicare prescription drug plan won't pay for Ritalin because my diagnosis is TBI and not ADD/ADHD.

I think I pretty much blew my chances of getting into the language program
I was wanting desperately to get into at school.
All because I can't seem to stay focused if something is going on while I'm trying to concentrate. While giving my final presentation today in sign language, this girl in my class kept talking. I totally forgot what I was saying and blew the whole thing. My professor(who's deaf) was oblivious. At the end we were to grade ourselves with a rubric. I totally refused, I was so upset at myself. I left. Unfortunately that was the last class before they decide who is accepted into the language program.

This professor had told me I needed to work on not getting so distracted. I thought I could beat this TBI thing. I thought if I just worked harder than the other students, spent more time on homework, and wanted it more-- then I could willpower this thing away. I can't make it budge. Damn I'm mad standing on the edge of this cliff!
Sorry so long.

Phyxius,

Don't get so down on yourself. This was beyond your control. The work-arounds and accommodations that most of us use for distraction issues are counter to your objective. I can't imaging you using ear plugs to block the background sounds.

You professor is totally ignorant of your struggles. It would be interesting if while you were signing to him, he had to also see a sign conversation going on in behind you. Maybe then he would have a better understanding.

You can no better ignore the distractions than a torn water filter can deliver finely filtered water. Your brain's filter is broken. I have been living with this symptom for ten years. I have tried all kinds of ways to overcome it. Even when I can overcome background noise, it is a haphazard skill. I can be doing great and then suddenly find my mind off on a different trail.

I do not drive because of this. I can drive safely the vast majority of the time. It is those uncontrollable times that are the risk. I never know when they are going to happen.

Take this as a great lesson about who you are now. You tried your best.

Maybe you can still find opportunities to help the hearing impaired without the translator certification. Maybe you can study some specific area of history and become a docent for a historical site or museum. Having signing skills does not mean you would be signing all day, but would be the go-to docent for the deaf groups.

BTW, My wife is training to be a Census worker and had the same problem trying to listen to a lecture. There were some talkers near her that made it all but impossible to follow the lecturer. And she does not have any distraction problems.

Stay strong.

My best to you.

Mark,
I think I'm more angry about how I handled the fact that I got distracted after the fact than I am that I got distracted in the 1st place. I don't know I'm just beside myself about all of it.
I was just hoping that this would get better. I have been working with a physical therapist on learning to walk again. The distractability has even affected that. Believe it or not, walking can take concentration if you are learning it again. I lose concentration,end up stepping on my feet, my therapist telling at me to pay attention, and me hanging on to the bars for dear life and the therapist holding on to me.

Phyx,

Has your PT done any electrical stimulation? Research says that is can help your brain become aware of your muscles. The issue you are dealing with is due to dormant neural cells. They can be stimulated from either end, the brain or muscles. By stimulating them at the muscle end with artificial electrical stimulation, the brain cells get a jolt. The brain cells then look for that signal again. The more TENS the brain receives, the more it looks for those signals.

Even massaging your legs causes them to send signals to the brain. You have three types of signals. Touch (pressure, temperature, and pain), position, and action. The action signal goes from the brain to the muscle. The others go from the extremity to the brain. Pushing these last two to the brain may be helpful.

I am not surprised that you are struggling so with distraction. If your brain still has so much healing to do in the motor control which is very simple compared to psyche (thought), it would sound logical that the psyche brain cells have even more work to recover.

btw, Your getting upset is a normal symptom of mTBI. You will be ahead if you anticipate over-reacting so that you can try to avoid the triggers.

Hey Mark, I have noticed that if I hit my legs with my fists they work a little better for a few minutes. There must be something to that. My therapist hasn't done the TENS unit. She does use pressure at different times when my tone gets bad and my feet wants to turn under and do other strange things.

Have you ever heard of being unable to manipulate or control one's extremities without seeing them? This is where I get in trouble. I have to be able to see my legs to move them better. When we're practicing the walking, If there are other people's feet walking beside mine, then I can't tolerate it because I can't tell which feet I'm supposed to be moving. You ever heard of that?

time is on your side
 

Phyx,

time is on your side, rushing to get over any injury can,t help things, the door to the program you wish to complete is not shut, I know when your young it seems that, things have to happen when they are supposed too, but us oldies ,know they seldom do I am upset that your doctors have not helped you more, in giving you the time you need, don,t be hard on your self, the tortoise and the hare springs to mind
or Robert the Bruce

you will get there in the end

Phyx,

Has you heard of horse therapy? It can be very helpful. As you ride the horse, your brain starts to think you are plodding along. It recognizes this motion and awakens the walking systems in your brain. William Schattner of Star Trek has a foundation that promotes this therapy. There is an association with a web site at: http://www.narha.org/ The link to find a local Therapeutic Riding Center is: http://www.narha.org/Centers/FindCenter2.asp

The nerves you need to stimulate are called proprioceptive nerves. They tell your brain what position that part of the body is in. I have a problem with this nerve system occasionally. It used to be chronic. If I wanted to move my arm a little bit, as I started to move it, it would go ballistic and fly across my body. This was usually when I was in bed. I would start to roll over toward my wife and my arm and/or knee would end up flying at her.

In my case, it was likely due to some inflammation in my neck/brain stem/occipital lobes. Once I learned the body/neck positions that aggravated this inflammation, it became a rare event. One of the other symptoms was when I would lose sense of my body. It was like I was a head on a body that did not exist. There was no sensation of where my body should be.

This same nerve inflammation causes Central Sleep Apnea. My body stops pulling breaths, until it hits the critical mass of CO2 to cause me to jerk back into breathing. My father had Central Sleep Apnea for over 30 years. It slowly robbed him of his mental capacities.

How is your sleep? Do you wake up refreshed or tired? Do you feel sleepy during the day?

As vini said, you have plenty of time. Slow down and try to enjoy the process of recovery. The improvements may come slow but they will come. You will be a better person for learning to wait on your body.

Equine therapy can be very helpful. My daughter was a very active volunteer at a therapeutic center prior to her injury. It's been the perfect volunteer job for her with her love of horses and helping people.

About 4-5 weeks into my daughter's recovery, she had a major setup and started to tremor and stutter. She was really a mess. The doctor at the time (and it was the only good thing he did), allowed her to get back on a horse at a walk in a very controlled environment. After a couple of rides, her stutter greatly improved and within a couple of weeks was completely gone. Either being allowed back on her horse helped reduce anxiety or the motion of being back on a horse, helped her nervous system kick back in. I think it was more the latter, but I could be wrong.

Vini and Mark,
Thanks for the words of encouragement.
I haven't heard of the horse therapy before. I like the sound of it. I love animals except reptiles like snakes. There's a little boy at my rehab center that has a therapy dog. He's a beautiful red dog-- maybe an Irish setter. Every time he's there I want to pet him and play with him but can't because he's on the job.
I think the horses would be really cool.

You know if insurance pays for such therapy? Is it considered therapy? I really need something to look forward to right now. School was the thing that got me out of bed everyday(what little time I spend sleeping). Now with the realization that it's too big a task for me, I need something to look to.
I hear people all of the time say "if it weren't for my children" or "if it weren't for my husband or wife, I would have put a gun to my head". Up until a couple of days ago the only thing I had was the hope that I could gain a career at the end of hard work in college. I don't have the kids or the spouse to hold on to.
When people say those things to me I feel like they're saying: "wow, I can't believe you're still here. I would be sooo gone if I were you. It's not like you have people depending on you being around."

Phyxius,

I think most people feel like giving up at some point, tbi or not. I hope no one means they think you shouldn't be around, coping the best you can, because you don't have a spouse or children. If they do, don't listen, they are nuts or seriously misguided! Your worth is not based on your output or ability to perform, it is inherent in you, even when you're injured and struggling.

Things change over time. Maybe you can find something more manageable, but of interest or value to you to focus on during this recovery period. Mark suggested volunteer work using your skills. I'm sure you could come up with some other great ideas. One of the hardest things for me is accepting my limitations and working within them, and I'm not dealing with challenges of the same scope as you, or many others on this forum. Even so, this isn't easy, it really stinks. Personally, I really, really hate not being able to do what I want, how and when I want. Patience is not my strong point, but I'm learning and doing better over time. Sometimes life throws us curves that change our direction and the way we look at things. It's not always a bad thing.

Vini made a great point, it may take you longer than you planned to complete college, that doesn't mean you won't do it, it may be on a different time table. That's okay, try to be realistic with where you are right now. You can re-apply to the program later. It seems to be a common theme on this forum, trying to do too much too soon, because we all want to be like we were pre-injury, then we are reminded that we aren't, and suffer setbacks and discouragement.

If we accept where we are and work with it, things are less depressing than when we try to hold ourselves to a pre-injury standard. I don't mean giving up on trying to get better, but working within the parameters your brain and body can handle right now, while you work at healing. Be nice to yourself.

I hope this ramble makes sense and that you can find a therapy horse program, that sounds incredible. Hang in there and don't give up!

Best wishes,

Becca