Very Long...reason enough for giving in and up
 

I spent the past few days in Georgetown, SC with my daughter and her fiance. This is the first time I've been to Georgetown, it is also the first time in forty years I asked for my life to just end and be done with it all. I had a few peaceful moments, but then things would become so overwhelming I would have to take short walk.

We came home yesterday and I wore sunglasses so they couldn't see the tears or the despair in my eyes. I handed my daughter my laptop and told her to finish a game so I wouldn't have to talk. I forced conversation at times so they wouldn't know how hard things are. I even spoke of friends and family that died from suicide and questions bombarded the already overwhelmed mind.

There is a saying when money is gone, the wolf is at the door, well that rascal is past the door and in the house. I gave my truck back, its just a truck, the house will go next unless a miracle happens. We have three weeks to pay and then they can pursue foreclosure if they choose. Its just a house, we can live in my husband's truck if we need. He looks everyday for any type of work and will take less money just to do whatever job is available.
He has a possibility, but when that job will be open is a 'whenever' this is finished and that gets done. I'm tired, just plain tired of life, of waking up with this despair I've had for several years, even when I didn't have financial worries or health issues. I just want relief...blessful peaceful release...

I have been in worse places going through a divorce, being shot at, having to defend myself against assault, taking care of my dying mother, and many other instances. I took each instance and kept on going, this time, the despair is so raw that it is almost a physical pain. I ask God to just stop my heart, let it be done, even though I know this would put more stress on my husband. I also know it is selfish of me to even ask for such a request. He could make it, I think he would go back to Florida then, but there is no guarantee he would have an easier life. The pain of another wife dying might be too much, how selfish I am to consider such a thing.

I haven't thought of ending my life for forty years, I tried and God let me live. It would be easy to take a gun, a rope or overdose and let it be done. Our lives are not our own, they also belong to our family, friends, God and if one is honest, sometimes the devil. I've had a family and friends give up and give in. My father as an eleven year old boy remembers his mother's suicide. What kind of daughter would I be to put him through that as an elderly man? What message am I sending to my grandkids, that the easy way when things are rough is to just end it all? How would my seven year old ever understand how his Nani died? My family would forever be under the stigma that Patricia took her life. How can I do that to them?

I can't, one can find many reasons to give up and give in, but very few to stay. In this despair that is so deep, I don't want to see past anything but relief. I hide the despair, the tears and pain from family, from friends its easy. I don't see my friends unless it is an emergency and they call for me. I will not be able to do that anymore, I have no vehicle.

One can definitely find many reasons to give up, but in the end, one has to find their own reason to stay. The problem is simple, I don't want to stay but I will not put my family through unnecessary pain. Yet, I ask myself, how can I keep going with this deep dark overwhellming despair like a skinny hound in woods with no rabbits for food?

How do I keep struggling to survive when all I want is for it all to end? I have no answers, I only know that physical pain would be relief from this emotional pain so deep that my heart feels like it weighs hundreds of pounds. This stress is affecting my other health issues, and adds more despair and depression. Depression has been my new best friend for several years because of MS...I never had depression even when things were hard, until a few years ago.

One never knows what contribution you make to this world, you probably never will. The cold truth of life is we do the best we can. One has to ask themselves, Who would miss me most or hurt the worse if I left? That answer should lead to this...am I willing to put that person through a few hours, weeks, or months of what I feel everyday?

My answer is easy, I would not want anyone I know to feel for one second the despair and hopelessness I have felt for my entire life. I stay and do the best I can, and I hope you stay and do the same.

It could be worse, this too shall pass, what does not kill you makes you stronger...these are all things I repeat through it all.

It probably will get worse, it needs to get on pass and I sho nuff should be able to hold up Atlas along with all the planets. I will keep staying, surviving best I know how...

Im glad you have decided to stay Momma.:hug:

I will pray that things take a turn for the better :hug::hug:

COK, Patricia...You are the very definition of a survivor and it's a role no one asks for. I understand how you feel...I and many others on this forum have felt such hopelessness as you are now feeling..struggling to find one damn reason to get up in the morning. You know, so I won't try to tell you, what it would do to your loved ones..the guilt they would carry for the rest of their lives. It's like having ones ace in the hole taken away...
All you can do is what you are doing...continue to continue and know that nothing ever stays the same...it couldn't get much worse..how could you feel worse than you do right now? And it might get better...it probably will get better.

I only had one job in my life and I failed at it. That's a very bitter pill for me to live with but inspite of my wishing it..God hasn't struck me dead.

You have come to the right place to talk about what you are feeling..please know how much I admire you for having the guts to say it.
And remember...you have a lot of company..that black hole has sides. :grouphug:

:hug: Momma :hug:

I'm praying for you.....that things take a turn for the better. That a miracle comes your way. That the black cloud of despair is lifted.

Lots of people love you. Not just your immediate family but lots of us who aren't kin but feel like we are.

Your posts have helped me through many a rough patch, Momma. I still have the picture you drew for me and look at it every day. It makes me smile....knowing that you did it just for me. The time you took out of your life to draw that one picture just for me means alot to me.

I'm sorry if I missed it in another post, are you being treated for the depression?
Have you had a re evaluation since this feeling has deepened?

Has anyone helped you look into gov grants or any of the programs to stop or help with foreclosure?
-on your county, state or federal websites

I hope and pray this feeling is lifted soon for you.
:grouphug:

((((((((((((((((((((Momma))))))))))))))))))))))))) )
hugs and prayers:hug:

Patricia, I know it won't make your problems go away, but are you at least on an AD?

Praying for you, friend. I do hope things get better for you. :hug::hug::hug:

My heart goes out to you.
 

Dear Patricia,

Reading your post made me weep: nobody deserves to endure what you've gone through. However, like Alffe, I also saw a resourceful survivor. I also saw something I know you'll want to survive for.

When I read “daughter and her fiancé,” I thought sometime in the not too distant future there will likely be grandchildren. Oh Patricia, every grandmother on this forum will tell you that that is one joy you absolutely don’t want to miss. And you don’t want to cheat those grandbabies out of one sweet, loving, wise Grandma. All the most important things I learned in life, I learned on my maternal grandmother’s knee. I still think of her everyday and my daughter bears her name. Patricia, there is just no substitute for a Grandmother’s affection.

I understand how hard things are, but hold on for a present where you’re loved and a future where you’re needed. :hug:

Twink,Jomar...I take an AD and have since the MS decided to make depression my friend. I do believe that the depression makes things look a whole lot darker, cause I've faced many challenges without blinking more than twice and gettin on with life. This is possibly the worse.

Hockey...my DD has been married previously, my oldest grandson is 19 and I have a younger one(son's) that will be seven on the 18th. He is with me now, he stays on the weekends when he is in school. He also stays with me pretty much during the summer. How would his parents ever explain to him why I was not here, when they would not understand. I've always told my kids when things were not good, that life was still life and living it each day is all we can do...good or bad.

I just can't put anyone I know through the pain, guilt, or questions I've asked because someone decided to end it all.

Alffie...you might not have but that one job, and because of a choice you decide you failed, no matter what the circumstances. We as humans, parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents or whatever do not make that choice for anyone. In these roles, we each do the best we can and when someone chooses to end life...one can't always be there to make sure it doesn't happen. I do not consider you a failure, and would smack you for saying so if you were closer. You did not fail, neither did your loved one, it is another aspect of life, a terrible choice to make, but still life.

I thank each of your for your words of support and encouragement, yes it takes a lot for me to speak of it. I am extremely independent, never ask anyone to help or do anything...my mother used to tell me ' pride goeth before a fall.' I never truly understood that message growing up, as an adult I understand. Maybe God is trying to kick the pride out of me, I would guess He's been trying for quite sometime.:)

I have to go now, my smallest has come back in, I have to smile and play UP with him on his PS2... as I stated, how would he ever understand when I've told him that his life is so precious.

I always want to jump in and start giving advice-even when I don't know enough specifics to be able to really help, but in general, I will say: Are you sure there is no one to help you? I have stepped in and made huge differences in people's lives before once I discovered their needs. Unless you live in a very secluded place, there is probably someone around your area-that would actually find it fun and challenging to help you. Please rethink evey connection you have with people and maybe there will be someone you could ask for help from.
You probably know this about AD's, but you can try 10 kinds or more and then suddenly one will just click and you get some relief! So don't let your doctor off the hook if he/she hasn't found one that really works well for you.
:Heart: :Heart: :Heart: I hope you can feel the love pulsing out from these hearts.:hug: