Friend Needs Help.....She Came To Me.....
 

I'm in a predicament. I don't have the extra money to help this friend out and she knows it. Even if I did I can't say that I'd give it to her (as bad as that sounds..,..I just don't think I'd ever see it again and I can't afford to do that right now).

She needs a car. Her's is very old and needs alot of work and she doesn't want to invest $$ in something that is just going to need additional work down the road. She went to a car dealership to see if she could purchase a new car but they told her that she needed a downpayment (at least $3K) and that her credit score was in the low 400's (:eek:). If she didn't have a downpayment then she needed a co-signer.

Here's where I enter the picture. She called me last night, in tears, because she feels like she's between a rock and a hard place. Albeit, she created this situation herself by overextending herself and not paying her bills on time (or at all).

I told her I'm on SSDI and barely making it myself. Yes, I have a good car but I won't let her make me feel guilty because of it. Plus, I don't have $3K to give her (and wouldn't if I did!). I can't co-sign.....I don't have a job. I wouldn't anyway because I couldn't afford to take on her car payment which, given her track record, I would eventually get.

We ended the call with her bawling and me feeling guilty......:mad:. I know, I shouldn't take on her problem as my own. I feel bad for her, though. Her own mother won't help her because she's been burned so many times before when bailing her out.

I told her that my DS just had to shell out over $700 to get his car fixed and it's not even 5 years old. He had to use every penny he had managed to save up (for a cruise) to get his car fixed. Made him mad but he had to do it.

Maybe this is the rock bottom she needs to hit before realizing that she has to take responsibility for herself. She's 39 years old! I think that's old enough to have learned a lesson by everything that has happened to her in her life.

She tried to call me this morning already but I didn't answer the phone. I've already told her that I'm not in a position to help her. I think I'm the only person who'll even listen to her any longer. She's burned so many bridges over the years. Funny thing is, we're not that close anymore and the only time I ever hear from her is when she needs something. I know I need to just cut the ties on this friendship because it's so one-sided but I don't want to be mean. I don't want to abandon her when she's obviously in a rough spot.

What I won't do.......loan her my car (Never!), loan her money (don't have it), or co-sign anything for her (couldn't anyway even if I wanted to). Nothing left but emotional support and I don't think she even wants that right now.

I think I'm just going to be unavailable to her...for now. Am I being mean-spirited? Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

Wow, Kell, that's a tough one. Did she come right out and ask you for these favors or is she just hinting? Maybe she just needs a sounding board?

My advise is....if you want to get her off your back, is, to take her call and then give her all the Motherly advise you can give......Like, PAY your bills and keep fixing the old car, it's better than a car pmt..... She will run like the wind..:D

Smart moves, all, Kell. Earl and I were just discussing this stuff this morning. Rule #1 of lending: If you can't afford to lose it, don't lend it.

That goes for your cash, credit, credibility, property, reputation and everything.

This gal is wading through quicksand of her own making, why would you feel guilty unless you somehow contributed to it? Add to that, if you went out of your way to help her, you would be contributing to it!

I have/had a friend who only calls when she wants something. How did I cure it? I started saying, 'no', without explanation. It's your choice, you make it. Simple. I literally say, "Well, I'm not going to do that." No apology or excuses/explanation. Just put it in place and see what happens.

Oh Kelly you are not being mean spirited at all! I've had quite a few of these one-sided "friendships" over the years, they suck the life right out of you :(. You've already given her as much support as you can. I know how hard it would be for you to tell her that you need to end the friendship so maybe just ignoring her calls will give her a hint. In my experience though i've found that people like this don't really take a hint :(. I just hope she doesn't show up on your doorstep, yikes! :hug:

***running to close blinds and lock door!**

I doubt she'd show up. At least I hope she doesn't!

I've 'bout already decided to just stop taking her calls, etc. She knows my situation and that I have no extra money to lend or give. She's often commented on how "lucky" I am not to be in the rat race of the corporate world any longer. Um, yeah, I'm real lucky. :rolleyes:

I haven't lent her any money before and I won't start now. She probably thinks she can wear me down but she can't.

I have enough on my mind this weekend without her adding to it. I'm not being selfish......I just know my limits and I've hit them with her.

She offers nothing in the way of support (emotional or friendship) to me so I'm going to stop beating myself up over things that have nothing to do with me. I can't fix the world for everybody.

I bet that was my sister calling you! :p She will make you screen your calls!

You did the right thing. YOU must always come first. Clearly this woman has not been taking financial care of herself for a very long time, and isnt about to start now. PLEASE dont loan her money. As a matter of fact, NEVER loan anyone money. Always GIFT it. If it comes back, thats wonderful, but if not, there will not be shredded friendships, and or broken bridges to much loved friends.

next time she calls tell her "i hate that you are in this situation." let her vent and again Im sorry that you have found yourself in this situation" DONT say "i wish I could help, or if I was in a better spot...she will view this as an open door in which to insert comments about co signers, or a personal loan, or just use you as a crying spot for each bad choice she makes. Its NOT selfish to put yourself first, and say "im sorry you are in that situation. let me know how you make out." Let her know there are a TON of buy here, pay here type places in every city. You pay for the car on a weekly basis through their dealership and they specialize in folks that have a credit score below 650. Most folks can easily get a loan through them, as its a secured loan. if she misses a payment, they will come get the car.

Dont beat yourself up. You have made some good decisions in your life, and are working hard to keep your own head above water. A true friend wouldnt ask you to go under with them. A true friend would call to ask how you are, and may talk about a hard situation they are in, but not expect you to fix it for them. If she keeps calling your house, you may have to say "i am not willing to help you. I do hope you find a solution, but it cant be me." If she is anything like my sister, trust me, she will move on to someone else that will be willing to open that pocket book.

You are a good person. It doesnt make you a bad person that you cannot repair all of the damage she created in her own life. only she can fix what she broke. Hang in there. you did the right thing. :hug:

You cannot help her and you should not feel guilty. She "dug her own hole" and she needs to hoist herself out of it.

You are a good person but all you should do (if and only if, you have the energy to do so) is maybe suggest credit counseling. Or have her call her church, they might be willing to help.

You are a good person and don't forget it. :hug:

You totally did the right thing. Since it sounds like she could use some emotional support I'd consider that if you do value her friendship but make it very clear that is all she is getting from you.

Fortunately my friends and family don't have these problems but a friend of mine has a couple like this. They think because she works hard and lives frugally that it is ok to ask her for money. She has been burned several times before and now has a no loan policy. What is really amazing is that these same friends will make snarky comments about the old car she drives or that she shops at The Good Will. :rolleyes:

I have had loads of practice saying NO! I come from a long line of beggars, and whiners. They always throw their children into the conversation. "what about the children?! how will they get to school, the MD, the after school programs?!" I have been taken advantage of, ripped off, lied to, manipulated, and bent into pretzels with guilt before I finally put my foot down and said NO MORE! I felt guilty and upset for a long time after they would call, but with each call, I got stronger and stronger. I can say NO! in a heart beat now. I can hear the stories about "the children" and "you dont understand!" but I wont bend. As I told my sister, "if you had made ANY effort to repay me 5 cents, we could talk. years and years of help, and not $1 has been returned. When you start making good faith, honest efforts to repay past help, we can talk about future help. Till then...NOPE!

a 400 credit scores speaks huge volumes about how poorly she has managed her money for a very long time. Emotional support, or even teaching her how to budget may be helpful. Showing her how to manage money is always a great gift, but I have found that most of my family didnt want a hand up, they wanted a hand out. Dont teach me! just do it for me! they would cry.

Its so hard to say no to someone you love, and care about, and worry for, but in many situations you simply have no choice. if it puts YOU and yours in harms way, its always an easy answer.

Sounds like good advice you have given yourself.

gmi