Hands are tied
 

Hi everyone...I'd appreciate any suggestions/advice I'm sure someone here has some insight.

For as long as I can remember, my father has been "kind of off." In the last three to four years I have seen that more and more, he exhibits abnormal behavior. His behaviors and overall characteristics cause dysfunction in his personal life and to the family, they cause distress to himself and to the family, and his behaviors are deviant from what is considered normal in this society.

He is a 55 year old and is depressed, he has anxiety, he can't sleep without taking some pill, and when he does sleep he has severe nightmares that wake up the entire household. He is rude, aggressive, always "on-edge." It is impossible to have a logical discussion with him without it ending up in a fight. He is delusional and believes that myself and my mother hate him. He is full of himself and believes that he is the best at his career although for the last twenty years he hasn't been able to hold a single job for longer than two years. In the last three to four years he has held employment for a maximum of 4 months. He is unwilling to branch out of his current field because that is "too low." And every time he gets "laid off" he has some GRAND story about how he was unjustly fired and how he is ALWAYS the victim, and that he NEVER did anything to deserve it.

He is incredibly dependent on others for the simplest of things, such as going to the grocery store to buy the basics even though he is capable of doing it himself. He is always in fear that he is going to die a sudden death because he has heart disease, although his cardiologist proclaims that he is in good enough health to work and do what he needs to do.

He is always accusatory, he is obnoxious, he is impolite. He does not take care of his hygiene. He doesn't shave often enough; he does not care about sanitation. For example, he will blow his nose all day long (I think he's got allergies?) into the same napkin, and then use that same napkin to wipe furniture down if something spilled!

I've tried to get him to see a mental health professional for the last three to four years and every time he accuses me of wanting to exploit him and/embarrass him.

He has a history of suicidal ideation, and was unsuccessful at trying to commit suicide over 30 years ago. He has persistently explained that he would rather die, although he hasn't made any attempts to kill himself.

When I try to have a talk with him about his problems he will flip out on me, and almost always accuse me of having a psychological disorder.

I myself am a grown man, I have a university degree and a decent job and I am able to move out on my own. However, I have a mother and a much younger sibling that depend on me...and I cant support them on my income at this time. Believe me, if I was able to take my mother and brother and move out I would have done it long ago...but we are dependent on his unemployment checks to help pay the rent!

He WILL NOT seek treatment. However, he does have the potential to assault someone. For example, If I ever approach him about his hygiene he will get defensive, and in my face, and try to intimidate me by violating my personal space.

One time I approached him about his night-time anxiety bouts (his severe nightmares). He denied that he even had those nightmares, and told me that as long as he was paying the rent that I ought to be more respectful. It appears that his answers are always either illogical and symptomatic of some severe psychologically distressing syndrome, or he is just rude and obnoxious and inconsiderate?!

He is unkind to my mother, and he has a history of physically abusing her in the past...although now he doesn't do that. To my younger brother he is excessively affectionate and enjoys giving him hugs and kisses, yet he never responds to his needs and is ignorant of what he says to him about how his nightmares make him feel!

My father wants wants and wants...and is always unwilling to give give give. He takes and never returns. He expects respect and consideration without giving respect and consideration. He always gossips about people and thinks that everyone is below him.

I have since learned to never use logic when speaking to him...because he'll find away around a smart approach. He will just flip your words, and you'll get irritated, and a big fight will be the only result.

So, my hands are tied because he doesn't want to get treatment, I can't afford to move out...he can't hold a job and will eventually lose his unemployment benefits, he won't change!

I want to help him! I can't help him because he won't let me! I've found that my only solution is to get away! Yet this isn't exactly financially feasible at this time for myself, my mother, and younger brother!

He is impossible to deal with...and I'm afraid that eventually what will happen is that some argument will erupt into a physical altercation and someone will get hurt and someone will get arrested/imprisoned. I don't need drama.

Does anyone know what the heck is wrong with him? Could it be schizophrenia or some form of psychosis? And how do I deal with him? How do I maintain the peace??

Welcome to NeuroTalk. :hug:

Your post reminds me of people I've had to deal with in the past. What a difficult situation!

You need to contact social services for your mom and younger brother and get out of there. If your dad isn't willing to accept help, you all need to help yourselves and extricate from the situation.

This is terrible for all involved but you need to separate yourselves from your dad and maybe then he'll get help for himself.

I'm not a professional but it sounds like he's abusing your mom and everybody else (emotionally!)

If you stay and accept his treatment, you're enabling him to continue. Have you ever threatened to leave and if so, what did he do? Blame you for trying to abandon him?

You all need to have a normal life and if he doesn't want treatment then you should try to find a different place to live and get help for your mom and younger brother so they don't have to go back.

Keep me posted on how it goes. Maybe a suggestion of you all leaving will cause him to seek help, but from what you've said so far it doesn't sound like it willl. :( And it's too bad because it sounds like you love your dad and want to help.

I hope I'm wrong and he'll have a change of heart and get some help. :(

Well, I hope to God that he changes. We have threatened to just up and leave, and he welcomes the idea quite openly. Yet at the same time I don't think he really would like that. But, at this point in our lives...we need to take care of ourselves, because we can only do so much to help someone who persistently refuses our help. I think its about time to start working toward absolute independence and a geographical separation. Its time he carries his own burdens.

Wiz gave you some great advice. At some point you have to distance yourself from him and his abusive behavior and take care of yourselves. Maybe that's what it's going to take. As long as you keep putting up with the way he treats you he's getting the OK to keep doing it. I don't envy you the decisions you're going to have to make but wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and your family. :hug:

Try talking to his doctor, maybe he will advise your dad, give him some meds or otherwise help with the family situation. If your dad get physical or threatens the family do not hestitate to call 911. The police are usually very good at handling these situations, they are recognized as the first mental health responders, so do not be afraid to use them.

I share alot of the same symptoms as your father. Irritable, thinking everyone has an angle (which causes fights), won't go to the grocery store for the basics, can't sleep, have nightmares, overwhelmingly angry.

These aren't characteristics that I had until I went through a bit of trauma. I have been diagnosed with PTSD with psychotic features and bipolarism.

Naturally I can't say what he has, but I'd say those are certainly signs that something isn't right.

Good luck!