Broken
 

I'm just so broken. My mind won't let me be happy, no matter how hard I try. I was at my roommate's graduation party, around a bunch of people, including my one-and-only friend who I haven't seen in over three months, trying to be social. I could barely get my friend to look at me, it was painfully obvious that she didn't want to talk to me. Then she and a couple other people started talking about the great time they had getting blitzed last night.

I tried to drink with them, I tried to talk to them, I didn't let it show that I'm a social outcast, I didn't let anyone figue out that I'm desperately depressed. I still don't fit in. Not even the only person to ever make me feel loved even cared that I was there. I was so uncomfortable that I couldn't sit still. My stomach was churning. I only had one drink and I threw it up.

I couldn't stand being around them, I pretended that I didn't feel well and left. If my friend was paying even a little attention she would have realized that something was wrong with me, but I doubt she's even noticed I left yet.

I'm too broken. I can't stand it, I can't stand life. I can't stand knowing that the only person I care about doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't even fit in with people I know. It's so hard to take even the tiniest "posative" steps, and when I do it only makes my life harder to bear.

I came to type here because you are the only people who will ever talk to me, and you are the only people who will ever care at all about me. I need someone but no one is willing to sacrafice their happiness to be around me.

God, I want it to end. I can't see how I will make it through the night. I can't see how to make it through tommorow, and I certanly can't imagine how I can stand to suffer through my new job...

Please God kill me, make it stop...

I'm too weak to survive this life. There is almost nothing going on in my life, and it's still too overwhelming. I can't help but feel like nothing is worth the huge effort of trying.

What an awful way to feel Lonely1. I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug. :grouphug: "The antidote to depression is to surround yourself with people who care"....now where to find those people is the question. You are looking back not forward..those people are not your friends and they have proven that over and over.

I'm sure I have suggested this to you before...please try volunteer work.
Either at a nursing home, a homeless shelter, the humane society .....
they need and would welcome your help and it's a feel good situation...what goes around, comes around.

Only you can change your life and you are worth it!!! :grouphug:

Maxine disappeared! *grin

Alffe gave you wise suggestions as always hun, please listen to her and try to do it...

Volunteer work sounds perfect to me. You will meet lots of people...

It seems to me that you are in the wrong group of "fiends"...

To be honest, if they dont talk to you, THEY are the ones who seem wrong and weird to me.... you are sweet, funny, smart, care about others, listen to others, help others... so... I dont think it is you who is doing "bad" things or things wrong... So...

Please hun, look to other direction... :hug: :hug: :hug:

Hi Lonely 1, Just 1 minute at a time, 1 breath at a time,1 prayer at a time, and pretty soon time will have passed and this sad time with it. Be sure that there is a plan that is special for you, it just has not been made plain to you at this time. Sometimes when i am at my lowest, I just talk to God, he understands, always listens and always is my friend, even when I feel so very alone. My prayer for you tonight will be that the minutes pass quickly, and you will feel the love and caring from your friends here, the ones that understand and get you. Peace to you, my friend, Lisa

Hi Lonely1 .... :)

I understand your feelings... (at least to the best of my ability);)

It sucks when people we believed were our friends turn around and walk away without ever saying goodbye.

I like Alffe's thoughts about volunteering.... For some reason I get the feeling that you would be GREAT with kids!!!!

I was wondering if you ever thought about volunteering with kids???? Maybe a local YMCA, or Boys and Girls Club, or reading to kids at a local library.... or helping with a local church's vacation bible school???

These would be a great way for you to get out and meet new people.

:hug:
Abbie

Thanks all for the posts, I can't type much now, I have to go to bed. I haven't slept very well for a couple of day; I'm too sad to relax. I have to get up early tomorrow and go to one job, then as soon as that one's over I have to go straight to my second job. It's my first day there, and I'm not particularly looking forward to it.

I'm not feeling to well, kind of nauseous and dreading the day to come tomorrow.

I'll be back to type whenever work is over...

And work is finally done, all 12 hours of it. Now less then an hour til bed, then I get up at 5:45 tomorrow and work for eight or nine more hours, and the same every day til the weekend, where I still have to get up early, but i only have one hhour of work each of those days.

(Alffe) I don't think I have time to volunteer anymore. :rolleyes: And even if I did have real friends, I would never be able to to anything with them because I have to get up early every day.

(Blue) Only one of the people in that group was a "friend". The rest were people I hardly know at all. That's why I figured it would be good for me to try and socialize with them. Clearly, I was wrong. And my one "friend," well, if I don't call her I'll probably never see her again. I'm easily forgetable you know. :o But I'll probably get really depressed sometime and call her, then she'll feel guilty and invite me to do something like we did in my first post, then I'll be filled with false hope, and of course it will just end the same way (or worse), and I'll be worse off then ever. I Know it will happen exactly this way but I will be powerless to stop it. *sigh

(Lisa) When I was little, my mom taught me to say prayers every night. But at some point, for some reason, I forgot for years. But maybe a year after my depression got really bad, I was reminded and inspired to start by, guess who, my one and only friend who no longer cares about me. Ironic. Anyway, talking to God really did help for a while, but you can only pray for the same thing so many times before it looses all meaning. I still pray every night, but I don't think it helps much anymore.

(Abby) Hmm... I don't know how much good I would be aroung kids; although it's true that I can tolerate people less and less the older they get, (or at least until they're over thirty). I guess it doesn't matter though, seeing as I still don't have time for anything but work and sleep.

I'm still not sleeping well at all, but the uncomfortableness of a new job has overridden some of the bad thoughts. They'll be back as soon as I get used to my new schedule. :Sigh:

Before this post gets anymore humongous or rambling, I better end it. I'm sorry I can't stop myself from posting the same thing over and over, but this is pretty much all I ever feel. Thank you all for the posts and thoughts.

You ? Easily forgetable ?? HA !!! You made laugh with that one... I think about you ALL the freaking day and you think you are easily forgetable.... ??? :rolleyes: You are wrong.. SORRY ! :hug: :winky:

You dont have to say prayers of you dont remember them... God understands our sentences... phrases, thoughts, songs, etc... SO ! just talk everthing you want, say everything you need to... He will listen than understand... :)

xx