Really, really depressed
 

Got thru my b'day though 49 brought with it the reality of some day in the not too distant future being totally alone, mom turns 80 tomorrow & is in ill health - don't know what will happen to me when she passes.

Mom had a tile floor installed in my room on Saturday, easier with the walker & wheelchair. My service dog weighs 11 pounds & due to the fact I cannot always walk her she has been paper trained as an alternative. But after the new tile floor was put down Esperanza decided mom's living room rug made a better bathroom than her pad on the tile floor. Now mom won't let her out of my room unless I am taking her OUTSIDE she cannot go with me to the kitchen, dining room etc. She is very attached to me so I cannot leave her alone long without her barking.

I RARELY leave the house; no place to go & no money to get there, have not been out of the house since Monday. I have been trying to put things away that were moved to put the floor down. With mom's new rule concerning the dog Esperanza & I are basically in my room 24/7 (I leave occassionally for a few minutes at a time she never leaves). This is accomplishing NOTHING. Esperanza & I are just getting more & more depressed. I cry all the time. Esperanza no longer plays with her toys & once a loving cuddly dog she no longer wants me to love & hug her. She has gone from a fun dog that loved life no matter what to be as depressed as I am which is pretty bad. Esperanza has so often been my only reason for living I really do not want to give her up but told my mom tonight that after the holidays I am going to start talking to people I know & see if anyone can give her a good home. She is my life but it seems that love is not enough.

On top oof all of this found out I am losing my home care next week. YES I AM STILL ELIGIBLE BUT PEOPLE SUCK! Medicaid said they sent me a form which I did not receive they REFUSE to deal with my neurologist because his staff is IMPOSSIBLE. I won't make an appointment with him because his staff is IMPOSSIBLE (looking for a new neurologist). Another agency I deal with AGREED to call neurologist & try to intervene. The office told him that I WITHDREW MY RECORDS FROM THE OFFICE & FIRED THE NEUROLOGIST AS MY PHYSICIAN. I NEVER DID THIS! The last conversation I had with them I called on a Monday afternoon after the doctor left & wanted to leave a message. They REFUSED to take a message saying that I had to call back the next day JUST TO LEAVE A MESSAGE - I told them this was RIDICULOUS & in almost 50 years of seeing doctors NEVER heard of such a thing - have had NO CONTACT with doctor or office since. I called the office to find out what was going on they REFUSED to let me speak to the Office Manager or the doctor. My GP WILL fill out the paperwork BUT he needs the last paperwork (517) for home care & a blank form. Medicaid REFUSES to cooperate so that I can get these things BEFORE the date of service cut off December 16. Once my home care is DISCONTINUED it is a whole rigamorole to get it reinstated so I AM SCREWED!

Between being confined to my room, fear of aging, fear of losing my best friend (Esperanza) & now the home care/ neurologist mess & the MS getting worse seeming by the day I JUST CAN'T COPE.

How do you hold on when you feel there is no reason to hold on?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. Finding a way to hold on isn't always easy. Reasons are different for everyone. Are you going to be able to see a different neuro soon? The living arrangement I can't really offer advise on, as we all have very deep reasons for wanting to stay where we're at, or for wanting to move. What do YOU want to do?
I hope things start to get better for you soon. You'll be in my thoughts :hug:...

hugs and prayers. :hug:

I hope you are able to talk to your mom, and your neuro about getting better care. it sucks to be dependant on others for stuff.

:Heart: (((((PEG))))) :smileypray:

Happy birthday to your Mom. I'm sure she's got alot on her mind, too, since she is also in ill health. Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? Maybe tell her what you expressed in your post (nicely)? Nothing will ever get resolved if nobody talks. I'm not sure what kind of medical issues your Mom has but remember you mentioning that she was driving around New York City......that's pretty impressive at 80! I couldn't do it now and I just turned 50! :o

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you both have valid concerns. Since you have time and it's not imperative that you find a place today maybe you could begin your search for housing so you won't be caught off guard when the time comes. Be proactive and take some control over your situation by doing what you can do now. I realize that there are some things out of your control but try concentrating on the things that you can do something about. That might help make you feel less anxious.

I hope things work out so that you can keep your dog. :hug:

Peg, you and Esperanza are in my thoughts and prayers :hug:
Happy birthday to you and your mom!
I couldn't say better what Kitty posted, so I'll just say "ditto" .
Thinking of you and your furry buddy
Linda

Was Espernanza used to her mat being on a carpet? Perhaps you can get a cheap area rug or pulled out rug from a renovation fofr free. My dog is aging anf often hesitates to enter the kitchen as sometimes he slips on linoleum ffloor so we lay down pool towels for him to walk to exit door on. Eventually we didn't ave to, but he may require it again tomorrow or the next.

Update
 

Someone from the MS Society has come in to help mom & I a few times as sort of a crisis intervention counselor. I contacted him & he is coming in the morning OH WAIT - IT IS MORNING. In the past when Gene has been here things settled down for a while so maybe that will work this time. Trying to have a few people for lunch on Sunday for mom's birthday but some of her friends have issues with me (things they don't fully understand because mom doesn't tell the whole story) so NO ONE is cooperating with this party - as of now ONLY 2 PEOPLE are coming. Whatever there issues are with me they need to grow up & honor my mom. Whatever! I'll repost after meeting with MS Society.

peg,

i really feel for you and what you're going thru.
i'm so glad that the counselor is coming to see you and your mom.
i agree with talking to your mom. see if you two and come up with a compromise.

i was going to suggest calling your MS society but you're way ahead of me.
try to think in problem solving mode.

don't give up peg. i think esperanza will come around as you can change her circumstances. keep us updated. we're here for you. :hug:

Peg,
 

I agree with what Kitty was saying about trying to take control of the things that you can.

I know when I become the most depressed it is because I am feeling completely out of control. So it makes sense what Kitty was saying.

Maybe if you can just pick one thing...no matter how small....and take control of it and see and feel the success in that, it will lift your spirits enough to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.....

You are in my thoughts and prayers and here are many caring :hug::hug::hug: