what the hell is wrong with me
 

I LOOK around me a see war, disaster, poverty, and a multitude of thingss far greater than the problems that i have, yet i feel so desperate.............

my edlest son has vitual camped out at his girlfriends for the past 6 weeks, he came before on the night before his birthday to open his cards and remove the money then left......ii never even saw him on my birthday........


last friday in a mad rage i was going to go up there and thrash it out [but after it causing a row at home did not go] on Saturday i saw him at a bus stop.....and to try and avid a row i walked away.............i was then physically sick, followed by a bout of diareah...........i could not stop shaking..........

i then got drunk .....caused a commotion in a pub........with half the pub against me..........

and ended up in A+E WANTING TO DIE...........

the week before all this i went back to my doctor and went back on anti-depressants as i have been experiencing anxiety ...............My job is full of strangers.......all my ex colleagues have gone via redundancy.......and my team is made up now of agency workers.............

I just want to runnaway.......................i want these felings to stop.


I have lived in this present town for 23 years in the north of England...........my accent is different...........and even though i have lived here so long............i have never been truly accepted............


i feel so issolated................and yet feel ...i belong nowhere.........

i have taken this week off as sick leave in the hope i can get my act together.............but i feel so paraniod...........

please forive this vent.....i just needed to speak out my feelings

David

What the hell is wrong with you?! You care too much...you are a sensitive soul in an insensitive world...we all could use more of what you have dear man. You are hurting...your son continues to take advantage of the fact that you care so much....he'll grow up someday but that doesn't help you now.

You've come to the right place to vent...:grouphug:
I pray that you find some peace....too much stress in your life. :hug: :hug:

:hug:

:sigh: if it helps any to know this - you are not alone dear friend. There is no simple script to follow... we just do what we know... or think we know... and when our insides are in turmoil... we try to squash it ... wishing, with one swift blow, that "it" could be released...

Anti-depressants take a few weeks to kick in (as you well know)... and kick in, they will... they'll squash the pain...

but that doesn't take it away... just makes it easier to handle...

My oldest son is someone I really don't know... and I'm trying to know him and accept him for who he is... its difficult ... I lost him years ago... you know that.... he's back in my life ... and I hold on to what little I can.

taking a week off is a good decision... you might find you sleep a lot (or try) - its certainly a good escape...
.... or perhaps you'll work on a household project... but no matter what, try hard not to beat yourself up...

Addy

I'm not a mum myself but i'm my parent's daughter! I'm now 25 and i know how much i made them suffer! I understood finally that the only ones who truly loved me were my parents no matter what i did or say! It took me time to realise that now they are dead. All you can do is let it go! You just have to tell your son you love him..that's all. He'll come back one day or another!

Axelle.........thank you so much for your reply..............

So many people have said this ..........and i'm trying to adopt this approach

by replying to my post you prove one point............you do not disapoint everyone in your life..............because you have not disapointed ME.

In your own dilema you reached out to help me..........

that is what survivors do..........you my friend are a SUVIOVOR:hug:

David

(((David))) Take good advantage of your week off and relax. Try to let those negative thoughts float away in an imaginary cloud. :)

Our kids can be so hurtful at times. As Axelle said,let it go and just let him know you love him when you see him. ((hugs)) ♥

Your problem is that you are a sane man in an insane world. When you go to work I hope you will nod your head ever so slightly and tell yourself: at least you have a job (as bad as it may be) unlike me and thousands of others.

I am not a father, so I probably can't speak properly about your son. I do know, however, that people go through phases; as quickly and quietly as they enter them, they leave them and go on to something else. Let us all hope that "something else" for the two of you will be better than what you have now.

Tom