Feeling lost
 

I had a tumultuous childhood, raised by my aunt and uncle, he was an abusive alcoholic, she was an abusive rage-a-holic who used a broomstick as a weapon. Somehow I always gravitated toward mom (aunt) and though we have had our ups & downs SHE WAS MY ROCK - MY ANCHOR! Estranged from the rest of my family (my choice & necessity) mom is all I have. 18 months ago as the MS progressed I moved in with her. Sure we had our rough spots but when the chips were down I knew mom would be in my corner.

In January she started having back pain; she broke her back over 18 years ago & occassionally had problems but this time the pain did not go away. Tests revealed she has 3 fractured vertabrae - no one knows how. She spent 8 weeks in hospital & rehab and I saw this woman become a shell of her former self. At one time she weighed OVER 400 lbs but in recent years maintained a healthly wieght now she is frail and bone thin her face is actually hollow.

Mom was only home 2 weeks when pain sent her back to the hospital now they say she has a spinal infection. She was hospitalized for a week & now will receive 8 weeks of daily antibiotics at home. She is not anxious to venture outside even when I offer to take her places, she is depressed and quiet and it is almost as if I can see a part of her fading away daily.

Yes, mom is 80 years old but I am not ready for her to leave yet I need to face that this is where we are heading. The fight & perserverance she always had is not there anymore it is as though she is giving up.

Am I wrong at age 50 to still need my mommy? I don't want to lose her & it is HER I don't want to lose I am not even thinking of the prospect of losing my home & so many other things when she passes but I AM NOT READY TO LET GO OF MY MOM! It is so sad to watch this once vibrant woman who up until 7 months ago volunteered 5 days a week & ran around like the energizer bunny now giving up.

I feel as though I am losing a part of her every day & I AM NOT READY! I am scared on so many levels of losing her.

Thanks for listening.

We all want to be loved by our mommies. Its a special bond that once created its a tough thing to break. Please appreciate and love and cherish this woman who took you under her wing. Let her know how much you love her. Read to her, watch TV with her, rent movies that she would like, fix her fav meals, or have take out with her. find reasons to giggle. Story tell about the past. Find out about her child hood, her struggles, her story. Who was her favorite friend in high school and why kinda stuff.

I envy your bond.:hug:

I don't think there ever is a time to be ready to let go.
It's such an awful time for you :hug: but my motto is, acknowledge how you are feeling, and then try to turn it around and make the most of the time left.

This is a new way to relate to eachother - the next phase in her life. She may be just plain tired of fighting. If you're there to support the 'new' Mom, in her new phase, she'll make it through with peace and happiness, and not a 'fight', but with acceptance.

I envy your bond too.
Enjoy your time together. :hug:

When my Mom died an older woman friend said "you're never old enough to lose your mother". As my own mother died, in her pain and delirium she called for her own Mama. It's been 35 years, I still remember every moment. Aw Peg, this is a tough time but nobody gets out of it happening. So sorry for you, feel your pain.

peg,

i'm sorry. i also can relate. i saw my 86 y/o aunt wilter away. my own, i believe, made the choice to give up and withdraw from life at 80. it was then that she started having some real physical problems.

tell your mom every day that you love her and what she has meant to you.

i don't want to take away from your emotional pain but, does she have a will?
does she have any papers that state her financial and medical power of attorney? does she have a living will? if she doesn't things will be so difficult.
if you can get her to think about these documents whatever comes next weil be so much easier, on both of you.

God bless you and your "mom". please keep in touch with us.

(((((Peg))))) I understand.

I, too, understand. I watched my mom die of cancer at only age 60 (I was just 36) and we had never had an ideal relationship, but she was my mom and it was hard to lose her. Then three years later, I took care of my grandma when she died of cancer. Before I was even 40, I had buried both of them and found myself the matriarch.

I don't think being older would have made anything easier. You always want your mom's love.

I was 59 when Mom went home on May 6th..she was 83. I would not have been ready had she been 100. My mom was sick only 6 months, but we had so much quality time together. She stayed with me those months and I would often sleep with her and "snuggle" with like like I was a child again. Spend quality time and let her know how much you love her. Don't leave anything unsaid that you may regret you didn't say. God will give you strength for each day.

Thank You so much
 

I want to thank everyone for their love and support. Mom continues to hang in there. Yes, we have reached a new point in our relationship. I am becoming more tolerent of the things that use to bug me because I know that even these "bugs" I will miss when she is gone. I think the scariest part for me is knowing that when she is gone I will be totally alone. Except for her sister who is mentally retarded I have no contact with any other family. It was a tuff decision to let go of the rest of the family but a decision that was necessary to preserve my sanity. It is too lengthy to explain but as my t-shirt says "if you met my family you would understand". Mom has always been my anchor and I need to hold onto the memories as best that I can and whenever possible make new memories. Whereas mom has always held me up the time has come for us to hold each other up and when the time comes to detach with love - as someone said have no regrets. I am learning to appreciate each day more than I ever have in the past. The was an ad for a new TV show where the woman dies & comes back having a chance to have a do over with a past love. Well real life is not like that - there are no do overs. We need to take each day as it comes & make the most of it.

In response to a question that someone asked, YES mom does have a will and money that will go into trust for me (so it does not affect my benefits) but there are no other plans in place. We live in a very expensive condo and there will not be enough for me to remain here more than a few months after she passes. Her burial fund (I did ask about this) is CASH that she has in a safe deposit box she holds jointly with her best friend. :eek: