Second-guessing myself
 

My mom is very ill in the hospital. She has several serious underlying medical conditions but was brought in the ER from the nursing home for non-responsiveness and fever of 103. In the ER they found that she has a urinary tract infection (her third in a five weeks) and an additional weight loss of nine pounds since June 30. She has a big red balloon-looking thing on her elbow which they told me is sepsis . The ER doctor said she is in terminal decline which I have never heard of. She now weighs 104, in March she weighed 123, June 30 she weighed 114 I think it was. She is like a feather in the bed, it is almost impossible that she is so thin and frail.

Hospice has been called in, we have a living will and DNR, and the doctor has put her on comfort care. I understand that this all means that her infections and other issues do not get treated. I have also been advised to withold IV fluids (my mom cannot swallow) because I have been told to give them will prolong the inevitable. My mom is on morphine because she is in pain. This is so horrible. We have been helping my mom repair her house to make it more senior-friendly and now I am being told she will not make it home. She may never see her nice clean house or new floor or paint colors she picked out. I can't believe this is happening.

I feel so helpless. I can't stand the thought of my mom being thirsty. I am thinking of telling the hospital this and that I do not want her fluids restricted after all, but then I don't want her to suffer, either. But I don't want to be selfish, and cause her pain or make things worse by giving her fluids that do nothing for her, but make me feel better. Does anyone have any suggestions?

She sometimes opens her beautiful eyes but doesn't see me. This is so very hard. I just wish I could make her all better.

I am so sorry you are going through this sad time. Your mom and you will be in my prayers today. I pray that He will give you the wisdom to make a choice and be at peace with it.

Anything I'd have to offer you would only be my personal opinion. Perhaps you could ask the doctors to be more specific as to what would happen if you withdraw fluids, and if you don't. Are the fluids considered "treatment/medication"? Or are they considered "nourishment"?

Your mom may not see her remodeled home, but she will have had the knowledge you were helping her with it, and the joy of anticipating it.

I'm so very sorry. I've been exactly where you are and know the pain and feelings of guilt it brings. We went through this with my Dad. Your Mom and you are in my prayers. :hug:

It's so hard when we can't take away the pain or suffering of our loved ones. I went through this with my Mom..she passed away this last May. I am praying that God will hug you and give you comfort.

If your mom has a living will and a DNR, you are honoring her wishes. Please do not second guess yourself. Know that you are being her voice now that she cannot speak. I know how hard it is. I went through the same thing with my Grandma in 2009.

Ask the hospice people about her state of consciousness. They are very knowledgeable and helpful and I am sure they can ease your mind about what she is aware of (i.e. thirst, etc).

Hugs and prayers to you.

Thanks to all
 

My dear mom passed in early August, within days of my post here. I really appreciate everyone's support.

Something that really helped me with this issue was learning that when the body is actively dying, as they told me my mom was in that stage, the organs are shutting down. This means, the nurses told me, that the organs are not functioning....putting food or fluids into the body at this point can actualy cause pain and discomfort. With regards to IV fluids, which I was grappling with, the IV fluids cannot be processed by the kidneys because they are shutting down, so the fluids end up in the lungs, causing discomfort. Once I realized that hydrating my mom with IV fluids was not giving her comfort but was, rather, causing pain and not hydrating her at all because the fluids were ending up in her lungs, I let go.

I didn't know any of this and it was a huge help in deciding what to do. Hospice of course will tell you what should be done because death is inevitable (I was told my mom had less than a day...) but I was not told why. For some reason, the "why" helped me make the decision I needed to make, hard though it was.

Perhaps this will help someone else. I wish everyone peace, and gratitute for your support.

I am sorry for your loss. Be sure to take care of yourself now. Hospice will usually offer bereavement services. Please take advantage of it because I wish I had. It has been 5 years since my mom passed and 2 years since my grandma passed and I finally realized that I was stupid to not get therapy as it has been so hard to work through on my own.

Hugs and peace to you.:grouphug: