Need advice for my Niece, lost my mom to suicide 8 yrs ago
 

Hi all,
Some of you may remember me, but I haven't been here for a while.
I am usually over on the Peripheral Neuropathy board. I pop in here once in a while, as I am also the daughter of a Suicide Victim. My mom committed suicide 8 years ago. It was a really rough time for us all.

This post is more for my niece. She is 14. She came to me two nights ago (on instant messages through Facebook) asking for help. She didn't know that my mom committed suicide, because at the time she was only 6 years old. She said that she had already tried a few days before. She was cutting herself, and she was really deeply depressed.

I talked with her a while, messaging. (I don't have a car, as I am disabled). But the next day, I made arrangements for her to spend the day with myself and my granddaughter (who is 8) in San Francisco at the Pier, shopping and just hanging out. She said it was really helpful to get out of the house, but that as soon as we started to head back home again, she started to get really sad again, and she started to think about ways to kill herself again.

Her mom is very "old world" Viet-Namese. She hadn't told her mom about any of her feelings, or thoughts. She didn't want to worry her or make her angry. (Her mom is my brothers ex-wife, but I love her very much and I respect her a lot! She works very hard raising her kids even though my jerk of a brother cheated on her with a younger woman and moved across the country and left her to raise her two kids alone!)

So, after our day in the city sight seeing, I took her home and sat with her mom. I told her we really need to tell your mom what is going on in your head. It is very important that she knows what is happening. Of course her mom had some angry reactions at first, she wanted to send her to her dad, she blamed the devil, she said it was just some stupid teenage thing she was going through... and told her she needed to read the bible!

I did tell my niece about the VERY STRONG history of depression in our family. That my mom committed suicide, my aunt, grandmother and two great aunts had all been hospitalized for this condition. It is not something that should be taken lightly. However, my sister in law said to me, in private, "Don't tell her about her grandmother committing suicide". She is afraid my niece will think she has inherited this "condition"!

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

She isn't my child, I only see her every few months, and my brother is divorced from her mother, but I do love her! She is a beautiful soul! What can I do to help her? I know what she is feeling and what her little heart is going through!!!!!!!!!!!

Please give me any advice you can! Help me to help her!
You are all such wise people and have endured so much! Thank you all for being there for all of us when we need you!

Hi Teri....
wow... are you a fabulous auntie or what?!! It took a lot of courage for your niece to tell you her feelings... and she is to be commended for taking a huge first step... recognition!

shoot... I get so frustrated with people who stigmatize depression... and have ignorance (due to lack of education)... so I truly hope her Mama, after her first reaction (which is so normal when you don't understand), reaches out for the resources available to help both her and her daughter. I don't blame anyone or judge them for their reactions... it is what it is... and hopefully this will be the beginning of healing.

I don't have much to give you in terms of advice except to say that it seems cutting is very common for those who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. I do think she needs to get some help - a therapist for sure!

Baby steps... from here on in.. its uphill :hug:

Hi Teri [so nice to hear from you ...though in sad circumstances]

Firsty.....self harm via cutting does not always lead to suicide [gasp shock horror i hear many cry].......

well it doesn't [fact] self harming is a common adolescent release mechanism of deep rooted stress and anxiety.........IT CAN BE CONTROLLED AND CURED WITH CBT


self harm with sucidal ideology is tricky.......it is like a dresss-rehearsal.........medical intervention is strongly advised..

to help with a self harming...offer clear advice....[not what most would say but here goes]

use new blades, use antiseptic wipes after cutting, use medi-strips on cuts...never scratch cuts....use the back of arm/leg never under side [more deep veins/arteries]

most importantly ...prior to cutting..pause take a deep breath and say would running a mile...relieve the tension and anxiety i feel at this moment......
pain releases natural endorphines which flood the body with a sort of.........tend to this///////////action............steering the brain away from the real pain of emotional turmoil........

i know a lot of cutters.........they are all alive....and though scarred........they deeply feel...cutting helped them through their darkest days............so make the environment safe.....never prevent or intervene unless suicide is mentioned....but offer empathy , a big shoulder and two ears..........people only want to be heard


David:hug:

Terri, I'm so glad she has you to talk to....it's so important that someone will listen to her and not judge her...just listen with love and encourage her to talk. I'm going to do a search for the Listen post. I think you are a blessing in her young life. :hug: