Back in college. depression. etc.
 

Back in October I played on concussion symptoms for a week and my brain pretty much reached it's breaking point. Two running relapses: one after being released to run in January, and one after a month of running with UBuffalo's program in June.

I have returned to college. I am walking around 20 minutes a few days when I feel up to it. After my first day of classes, I had a severe crying spell with suicidal feelings, etc. This was mostly psychological and I think I was just overwhelmed at the thoughts of trying to get through this semester.

After one week of simply walking to and sitting through class, my head is killing me right now. I was so mentally exhausted and out of it (I call it my 'zombie mood') after class today that two strangers actually stopped on the sidewalk and asked me if I was okay. I have been laying in my bed for the past 5 hours trying to recover from this week. I cannot stop crying. I am experiencing the suicidal depression that is always accompanied by a pressure feeling in my head. It is not a sadness from realizing my limitations or getting overwhelmed. It is not psychological. It cannot be controlled.

I just need some reassurance. I don't know what to do at this point. It is the first week of class, I've had only one assignment, which is not even close to the amount of school work I will be expected to do this semester. I'm tired of people saying to have faith or people telling me to keep my head up and have a positive attitude. I would rather have a realistic approach and realize this could be permanent and my head might have limitations forever..

I'm too tired to think. I need advice.

I have been there a couple of times so far with relapses, and several times with depression and uncontrollable suicidal feelings, in my year and a bit of recovery. It was scary as hell each time. I don't know what reassurance I can give you except that I have seen steady improvement since my initial injury.

For the immediate issues, do you have the number of a suicide hotline? You might not think you need it, but it's reassuring to have it on hand anyway. I am guessing that you're in the US - here's one that I Googled: 1-800-273-TALK (the URL for the number is http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/).

But I think that the best thing that you can do in the middle term is to focus on creating the right conditions to recover. This means seeing someone to address your depression and suicidal ideation, maybe through student health services. It may also mean adjusting your course load.

Also, the hotline I mentioned may be able refer you to mental health professionals or other resources that could be helpful.

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time. This is SO hard to deal with....I am 10 months out and have had a few relapses. It sounds like you have taken on alot and are putting alot of pressure on yourself. Your health is the most important thing.

Accepting the "new" normal has been a very slow process for me, one that is ongoing. Do you have anyone that you can talk to? When I was at my lowest it was all I could do to communicate with those closest to me, but I now know how important that is. Now when I feel myself on a back slide I try to make it known to those few who try to understand what I am going through.

Thinking of you and hoping that each day gets a little better. :)